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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect MIL to see her new grandson more than once every six weeks?

113 replies

Ashappyaslarry · 01/04/2012 19:01

Ds is 4 months old. We are visiting MIL next week for Easter. Last time MIL visited was 6 weeks ago. And before that it was another 6 weeks since she'd seen him and in fact it was us that visited her. Before that it was 4 weeks since they visited, which was for Christmas. AIBU to expect her to want to see her grandson more frequently? They live 1 hr away.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 01/04/2012 20:39

Erm, lots of people do an hour's commute to work every morning, thus = 2 hours' travel every day. So let's not talk about it as if it were akin to climbing Everest.

OP, as you've guessed, I'm inclined to the YANBU position - but there are contextual issues. Does she work? Does she have a car and if not how easy are you to reach by public transport? Does she have lots of other kids and grandkids? etc.

EdlessAllenPoe · 01/04/2012 20:43

YABU ..

it's up to them how much they visit, and for some people a 1-hour trip is a big deal..

and its a baby. not much to see!

WinkyWinkola · 01/04/2012 20:43

It's not selfish or mean to be interested in your own life after your dcs are grown up and left home!

When gcs come along, it's fine to show interest but you really don't have to be besotted and focus on them to be a great grandparent.

wigglesrock · 01/04/2012 20:44

YABU and I say this as someone who sees their pils once a week and my own mum a few times a week. As other posters have said - does she work?, can she drive?, is money an issue - I know that with the price of diesel I would find a 2 hour round trip tight on the finances? Did you see a lot of her before the baby was born? My sister would never have rung my Mum to see how she was doing, then she had a baby now my sister complains if my Mum doesn't call in to see her every other day Grin.

I take the children to see my pils as they would rather have them in their own house than pop over here - they don't do popping over - thank God.

everlong · 01/04/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bramshott · 01/04/2012 20:51

Sounds very normal to me. That's about as regularly as both my parents and my PILs see our DDs and they are doting grandparents with a great relationship with their GDs .

ButteryBiscuitBase · 01/04/2012 20:51

Hi I'm in a similar situation, my mil lives for her a 40 minute drive from us. From us to her its about 2 hours as its a bus, train and bus. We have been over on public transport about 4 times and stayed most of the day. She has been twice and stayed an hour. My mum lives a short walk and sees my dcs nearly everyday. It doesn't bother me too much but I know it hurts dp as he feels his mum doesn't bother with our ds.

However she buys his nappies and wipes every month as we don't have much money. I just think she is a practical grandmother rather than a hands on one.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/04/2012 20:54

If she has a car your right to be Sad but if not yabu.
Do you visit her? If u visited her once a month that would make a difference too maybe u could do that so that they get to c eachother more Smile

Juule · 01/04/2012 20:56

It's not just having a car, though. Finances might be an issue. Fuel isn't cheap.

Spuddybean · 01/04/2012 20:56

WOW! i come from such a different type of family. That seems loads to me! My parents live about an hour and 20 mins drive away and they have visited us once since June! When our baby comes (aug) i think i prob see them more but probably once every 2 months.

PIL's have never visited us, or DP before we met (everyone is expected to go there).

I know families where people see each other every week but to me that just seems odd - We all have our own lives. My parents have a very active social life and are busy most weekends. They work all week so their weekends are for their friends and socialising. They would be bored sitting around looking at a baby (as would i if it wasn't mine - i find my sisters kids mind numbing).

BabyDubsEverywhere · 01/04/2012 21:12

Im no where near being a grandparent yet, but i recon i will be like your MIL. I find other peoples children/babies so dull that i really avoid avoid avoid unless i have to. I am always lovelyness personified so no one knows Wink

I dont feel the need to be on top of each other, i see my mom twice. maybe three times a year, my dad once a month, big sis twice a year, lil sis once a week (max) and thats mainly because we are in the same friendship group.

With facebook, phones, text, email etc you dont need to be with someone to actually be a part of their lives anymore. Photos and emails will update each other like a coffee and a cake would have done years ago so you can still be close. Everyone has to make the effort though for it to work.

barbaraprim · 01/04/2012 21:29

I disagree; I don't think technology can ever replace physical contact.

everlong · 01/04/2012 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdlessAllenPoe · 01/04/2012 21:36

i find my own newborns boring enough, never mind anyone elses...

but op is this a case of you expecting a change in a relationship (ie that of your DP and his DM) that maybe just isn't that close?

exoticfruits · 01/04/2012 21:38

I expect that she has been reading MN and people 'policing' visits and wanting time 'to bond'-which seems very common. She is probably bending over backwards not to be the overpowering MIL!!

everlong · 01/04/2012 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 01/04/2012 21:39

My mom, sis and dad all live in different countries, so four countries for just my immediate family, technology is a fabulous replacement which allows us all to keep in contact with one another, be a part of each others lives, and live our own lives at the same time.

You dont have to see someone to care about them, to love them, to be interested in them!

SydSaid · 01/04/2012 21:43

Ooops wrong thread. Sorry!

everlong · 01/04/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ashappyaslarry · 01/04/2012 21:44

It's interesting to read your replies. I suppose I can see the point of view I should be disappointed rather than annoyed. But it saddens me to think so many of you think it's ok, and have considerably worse experiences.

I think what frustrates me is that she regularly criticises her DD's MIL for not seeing her granddaughters enough (which is more than once every 6 weeks) and made a big deal before our ds came along about not being that kind of grandparent that the grandchild doesn't see often.

Yes she works but part time and yes she drives and has a car. clean visits are usually a few hrs.

I suppose I do expect her to visit us more than us them, especially while ds is small....and hates car journeys. Perhaps that's unreasonable of me, but tbh I've spent years making regular visits to see the FIL and getting very few visits in return. edless I don't think I'm expecting a change in a relationship between dh and MIL as they are close, but perhaps I expected a change in the dynamic of who had to do all the running around. We've had 3 visits in 4 years from SIL who we see when we visit FIL every month or so....but that's another post!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashappyaslarry · 01/04/2012 21:45

everlong I think I'm on your wave length. My dm would be here everyday if I'd let her!!! Grin

OP posts:
startail · 01/04/2012 21:45

UABU
I'd have loved to see my Grandparents less than every six weeks because that meant every bloody school holiday.

Ok they were 3-4 hours away and we stayed fir several days.

My parents appear or are visited about every six weeks, 1 hr away and always day trips. It is quite enough because my Mum sadly can only walk a short distance on crutches and finds cars painful.

This means visits either way are just sitting chatting OK for grown ups, but DDs go stir crazy.

Spuddybean · 01/04/2012 21:46

everlong it is only different for some people. Not in my family. My parents see my sister and her children about 3 or 4 times a year. As does their other grandmother, their other grandfather see's them about once every other year. We just don't really want to see other peoples babies, even if they are related. I have been with my DP for 3 years and my sister hasn't ever met him.

I just can't imagine seeing my parents (or anyone other than DP for that matter) as often as once every 6 weeks.

StateofConfusion · 01/04/2012 21:50

my ils haven't seen my dcs for four months.