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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect MIL to see her new grandson more than once every six weeks?

113 replies

Ashappyaslarry · 01/04/2012 19:01

Ds is 4 months old. We are visiting MIL next week for Easter. Last time MIL visited was 6 weeks ago. And before that it was another 6 weeks since she'd seen him and in fact it was us that visited her. Before that it was 4 weeks since they visited, which was for Christmas. AIBU to expect her to want to see her grandson more frequently? They live 1 hr away.

OP posts:

Juule · 02/04/2012 11:01

Yes I have. Have you never met a parent who has said they would be glad when the baby stage was over?

everlong · 02/04/2012 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskyatnight · 02/04/2012 11:17

My parents were about the same distance away as OP's MiL when DS was born. They came to visit every 6 weeks. Which personally with a demanding baby I found plenty (my parents being of the "needed to be waited on" variety rather than the "helpful" variety. when DD was born, they were still visiting every 6 weeks but they pretty much entirely ignored her until she was almost 2. I presume they found her boring with a toddler about?

They are much keener to see both children now they are older and more interactive.

albertswearengen · 02/04/2012 11:19

My Mil has been like this with my DS- her first grandchild. She really isn't interested in him and I think she only comes to visit when she's bored. I too felt hurt but eventually accepted that she wasn't interested in other people's children and that was fine.
However my SIL had a baby last year and my MIL has spent more time with him in less than a year than she ever has with my DS even though SIL lives at the other end of the country. I have had to accept that she feels less for my DS than she does for her other grandchild which is hard but not as hard as it has been for my DH who is incredibly hurt that the favouritism from his generation is now being carried on into the next.
You can't make your MIL interested and so it's best not to even think about it. It's her loss.

Gubbins · 02/04/2012 11:37

My parents see my daughters about every six weeks and have done since they were born. It's a two hour journey each way, they are elderly and adore the kids but do find them slightly exhausting and all of us have busy lives. We think it's perfect.

When we do see them it's to stay for the whole weekend. When my lovely, more local mother in law was alive, we saw her weekly, but only for a couple of hours at a time. That seemed just right, too.

Be grateful you have an engaged mother in law. I miss mine terribly.

Kewcumber · 02/04/2012 12:38

I found the baby stage very hard work right up until DS was about 2.5yrs. Can't say I ever thought he was boring or annoying though.

Bogeyface · 02/04/2012 12:47

Other peoples babies are boring, its a fact! Mine on the other hand were fascinating every second of every day and anyone who couldnt see that was an idiot :o

CPtart · 02/04/2012 12:52

My retired mum lives 5 miles away and it often gets to 5 or 6 weeks before she sees her GC.

knackeredmother · 02/04/2012 12:56

My dad lives 5 hours away from us and sees his grandchildren about twice a year. I realise that is a long way but OP I understand your feeling of 'why do they not want to see more of them?' or at least skype or call about them?
YANBU

Gumby · 02/04/2012 12:56

3 times a year We see my family
They live 3 hours away

Hoebag · 02/04/2012 12:58

Is she ill or busy or any other reason why frequent visits may be a struggle??

I know the feeling and is very maddening/sad , my DS got doted on as the only grandchild.

Now finally a girl has been born into the family my son is never visited and she hasn't said 'Congratulations' on my new pg , its horrible :'( and at the same time.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 13:27

I am a mother and think little babies are boring, annoying and all they do is eat, sleep and poo. I could happily spend a lot of time with my baby, although that was because I had to but I would not drive an hour to see a newborn baby unless I wanted to see the mother/father and give them some support.

No, I do not want to hold your baby. I do not want to watch it sleep, or lie down, or slightly move one hand (boring). I do not want to have to change my clothes after your baby has been sick on them, or change my plans at the drop of a hat because baby falls asleep/poos up its back (annoying). I have always held this opinion and so do many of my friends, maybe it is a generational thing? (Ours being, obviously, the less nurturing, more callous generation )

everlong · 02/04/2012 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teaandcakeplease · 02/04/2012 13:53

That's how often my own mum see's my kids, every 6 weeks, can be longer and she rarely calls me.

However she now has 12 grandchildren, so perhaps the novelty has worn off somewhat?

everlong · 02/04/2012 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 13:59

Their DILs can't get enough time alone to get near the computer at the moment...

WinkyWinkola · 02/04/2012 14:03

Everlong, your post is misleading. I'm certain many, if not the majority of gps like to spend time with their gcs. Just not necessarily to the extent that you need to.

That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. They probably just enjoy a variety of activities, have forged their own lives after their dcs have left the nest and like to strike a happy balance between their own lives and their dcs and gcs.

I reckon I will feel the same when I'm a gp - kicking up my heels and relishing freedom from responsibility from small dcs. And if my future dils/son in laws don't approve, well I guess that's tough.

Obviously there are upsetting extremism like the downright needy and the absolutely disinterested gp but they are few thank goodness.

WinkyWinkola · 02/04/2012 14:04

Responsibility for small dcs I meant.

everlong · 02/04/2012 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 14:15

everlong I think babies are boring, as I have said, and I have DC. My own DC were not quite as boring but definately got more interesting with age. Other people's babies are boring to me.

I know loads of people who say that they didn't enjoy potty training, or the teenage years, or GCSEs etc, but this seems to be more acceptable than saying you did not enjoy the baby year, you are much happier parenting older children.

I would rather have a conversation with a teenager than sit in a room with a newborn. I am aware that is a bit weird.

TroublesomeEx · 02/04/2012 14:18

My mum and ILs live 5 minutes away.

We've seen my ILs once since Christmas.

We've seen my mum twice.

everlong · 02/04/2012 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 02/04/2012 14:26

I agree everlong. My brother and SIL are expecting their first this year and I can't wait! I'm not the slightest bit interested in cooing over babies, but I can't wait to see what she looks like, who she takes after, how she develops.

Not only that, but contact is how relationships are formed. It's all well and good for grandparents to want to have a "life of my own" and not want to spend time with their grandchildren, but then they can't complain either when their grandchildren get to 12 and aren't interested in spending any time with them. Regardless of how much they try to rewrite history or expect them to now.

Yes mum, I'm talking to you!!!

Mrsjay · 02/04/2012 14:31

I always have a little twinge of sadness when i read these threads. people have expectations of what they think grandparents will be like , and for some its a shock and hurtful when they dont meet up to the expectations iyswim

, I love my parents but it took me a long while to accept they were just not going to be hands on grandparents ,
when dds were younger i used to get quite upset when i saw grannies/grandads pushing prams my mum was busy and just didnt have the time/ wasn't interested , I guess we just need to accept it and move on , it is hard though ,

now me on the other hand will be handson as much as i can when mine have babies , I dont think babies are boring even other peoples

Rubirosa · 02/04/2012 14:34

6 weeks sounds ok to me - presumably you could visit more often if you wanted to?

My mum lives about 45 minutes away and we see her every couple of weeks, MIL about 3 hours away and we see her every 3 months.

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