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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to look after my friends child?

88 replies

DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:17

while she goes back to work? I do sometimes watch him if she's going to the dentist/doc etc and I have no problem with this and will continue to do so. BUT she is going back to work next month and wants me to look after her almost 3 year old DS for 5 hours, 3 days a week. I don't want to do it. One reason is that he is a very tricky child (sweet but tricky) and my DD is not keen on him. My friend is of an opinion that children this age should not be told off, or told 'no' and should be allowed to express themselves any way they chose. I am absolutely NOT of this opinion and cannot see how any arrangement like this would work. He also does not like to be outdoors, hates parks, playgroups etc and DD loves them and I don't want to spoil our own normal activities.

I'm also pretty sure this arrangement would be illegal? I cannot find any links that I can show her to this effect but I think it is, I'm not a childminder. How do I tell my quite lovely friend that I just don't want to do this. I don't want to be an unhelpful cow but I feel she's putting me in a position and should have had this all arranged months ago.

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/04/2012 08:20

"that won't work for me, sorry" on repeat as many times as necessary - you're gonna have to be strong OP

grobagsforever · 01/04/2012 08:21

YANBU. That is a huge ask. Is she offering anything in return? And yes, if you accept money it's illegal. Not if you do it free though. Is she normally this cheeky?

lotney · 01/04/2012 08:22

It's only illegal if she pays you.

I would just tell her that you don't want the commitment. Be a bit vague about your own plans, say you wouldn't want to leave her in the lurch so you think it would be best if she made arrangements with a childminder. Then of course you can still help out on odd occasions if required.

Sirzy · 01/04/2012 08:25

I would say you were happy to carry on helping on an ad hoc basis if needed but you dont want to commit to anything regular

RobinSparkles · 01/04/2012 08:26

If you are not a CM why would she assume that you will look after him? Confused

It is illegal if you look after him and you are paid for doing so, if you are not a registered CM. If you look after him at her house and are paid to look after him that is legal and it is legal if you look after him in your own home for free, but if you don't want to just say "no".

Jinsei · 01/04/2012 08:27

Shock That's a vey big ask. Remember the MN mantra:

"No" is a complete sentence.

Your friend is taking the piss.

AKMD · 01/04/2012 08:28

YANBU, she sounds rather entitled. Just say no and say it loudly.

Shutupanddrive · 01/04/2012 08:29

Just tell her and ASAP so she can sort something else out

AKMD · 01/04/2012 08:30

She will probably try to guilt you into it: "I thought we were sorted. I can't find childcare in a month. I can't afford to pay a childminder. Can you just look after him until I find someone?" Don't fall for it. It is not your problem, if you do it for 'a short while' you will do it forever and your 'friend' is massively rude for putting you in this situation.

gettingalifenow · 01/04/2012 08:30

You can just say 'no' without damaging you friendship - she probably asked you first because she likes and trusts you.

In a similar position with my youngest, I too asked a friend first, who said 'no', a decision I respected and didn't question. I didn't even ask her for a reason - entirely her decision, not mine to question. I then Asked a friend from playgroup if she would collect my DD and take her, and her Dd, home to my house 3 days a week and be our 'nanny' and that suited her.

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 08:31

Why would you even consider doing this? It sounds like you wouldn't stay friends with her very long if you do start unregistered childminding for her, or looking after her DS for free.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/04/2012 08:36

Has she offered to pay you?

Leaving the legalities aside for a minute, if she wants you to do this for free, then she is expecting you to work for nothing, to enable her to make money. If you wanted to look after other people's kids, you could become a CM and actually make some money from it. And trust me, looking after someone else's child, (however sweet), is work.

I know you are probably worried about the impact on the friendship if you say no, but if you go ahead an do this, you will end up feeling very resentful and it will ruin the friendship anyway.

I think you have a duty to put your own child first - if they don't get on and don't like the activities, you would be doing wrong by your child to not put them first.

Your choice is whether to be honest with your friend or dress it up a bit, but either way you have you say no, really.

BerryCheesecake · 01/04/2012 08:37

YANBU, I see how difficult it is to say no but stay strong and stick to your guns!

DuelingFanjo · 01/04/2012 08:39

say no. She's taking the piss. I find it so strange when I hear about people like this and people like you who find it so hard to say no!

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:41

Yes she did offer to pay me. I'm just going to have to say no outright aren't I? Can anyone find a link about it being illegal? I don't think she understands this at all and will just think I'm being an unhelpful cow. Sad

OP posts:
Eggrules · 01/04/2012 08:41

I would not. I have said 'I am sorry no, that is too big of a commitment'. I would be happy to help in an emergency but not during a normal week or in school holidays. Your friend needs to make better childcare arrangements.

A mum of one of my son's friends asked me to asked me to have her DC once a week - baby all day and DS before and after school. My son's friend came to play and they turned up at 8:45pm to pick him up - arrangement was 6ish. I have a very different parenting style and in my house, my rules apply. This family get loads of help from GPs - DC stay there 2 nights per week. No offer of help for us was extended.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:42

Dueling I'm crap at saying no. I'm a terrible people pleaser and it's not a good way to be at all.

OP posts:
Annpan88 · 01/04/2012 08:42

How did you leave the conversation? Was it with a "I'll think about it" or does she think your doing it? Horrible position, what an ask. I couldn't bear being with anyone elses child that much, no matter how lovely they were.

iscream · 01/04/2012 08:44

"Df, I thought about your request, and I'm sorry, but I shall have to decline. Thank-you for asking, but I don't want to take on any childcare."

And if you know of any in the area, you could add

"I have heard x is a wonderful provider, maybe give her a call?"

You don't need to prove it is illegal or anything, your reason is that you just don't want to be a child care provider, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure if you did want to, you would already be doing it.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 08:44

No, no a thousand times NO.

She has made him very hard work for others to look after and he doesn't enjoy the same things as your DD - why would you??

Just say 'No, I can't I'm sorry - I just want to spend one on one time with DD until she goes to school' No one can argue with that!

Eggrules · 01/04/2012 08:44

You are not being an 'unhelpful cow'. Regardless of the offer to pay, this is a massive request and one you are entitled to say no to.

Link to women babysitting without pay case

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:45

I left it like 'I don't think it would be a good idea' kind of thing but I didn't say No outright. I'm such a sap. She'll be round today and I'll just have to be tough!

OP posts:
catsareevil · 01/04/2012 08:47

This sort of person will take 'I dont think it would be a good idea' as you agreeing to do it (because you didnt say no did you...)

Longdistance · 01/04/2012 08:48

You should just say, you don't mind looking after him nw and then, but not permanently, as you're not a registered child minder. How much is she paying you btw? Just being nosey.
But, I'd say no 2, as he sounds like hard work 2 me, and she may be inadvertantly taking the piss.
When my bf offers 2 have my dd's, I sm over the moon, but I never ask, she offers, and I'd never assume such x

MissMogwi · 01/04/2012 08:48

You'll just have to tell her straight. The sooner the better, as she then has more time to find childcare-and you don't end up doing it 'while she looks'.

It is a big ask. Looking after him for the odd appointment is one thing, but every week day is too much.

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