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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to look after my friends child?

88 replies

DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:17

while she goes back to work? I do sometimes watch him if she's going to the dentist/doc etc and I have no problem with this and will continue to do so. BUT she is going back to work next month and wants me to look after her almost 3 year old DS for 5 hours, 3 days a week. I don't want to do it. One reason is that he is a very tricky child (sweet but tricky) and my DD is not keen on him. My friend is of an opinion that children this age should not be told off, or told 'no' and should be allowed to express themselves any way they chose. I am absolutely NOT of this opinion and cannot see how any arrangement like this would work. He also does not like to be outdoors, hates parks, playgroups etc and DD loves them and I don't want to spoil our own normal activities.

I'm also pretty sure this arrangement would be illegal? I cannot find any links that I can show her to this effect but I think it is, I'm not a childminder. How do I tell my quite lovely friend that I just don't want to do this. I don't want to be an unhelpful cow but I feel she's putting me in a position and should have had this all arranged months ago.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 01/04/2012 09:04

I would want £5 per hour, if I was doing this, so that's £75 for the 3 days. There is no way on earth I'd CM for just over £13 per day.

I like the idea of telling her that you don't want to mix work and friendship.

BoffinMum · 01/04/2012 09:05

I realise he may not be very compatible with your DD and this may be a reason for saying no, btw, but if he could be retrained ...

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 09:06

Just think of having to come back and tell us all you agreed to do it - that should keep you in line Grin Stay strong!!

BoffinMum · 01/04/2012 09:06
Grin
Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 09:07

Chipping that scares me more than telling my friend no! Grin Off to sort myself out now, I will report back how the convo goes.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/04/2012 09:15

Gre a pair and just say no it won't work for us, it's illegal simple!

seeker · 01/04/2012 09:16

Oh well, if she only asked you last night then say no.

Use the broken record technique

"I'm sorry, but no" "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but no" "I'm sorry it'll be difficult for you to find someone else but no"

pigletmania · 01/04/2012 09:17

The more entitled and rude they are the more assertive I become, say no sorry. If she does not want to be your friend anymore she is obviously not a good friend

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 09:18

I suspect that she asked you in front of other people because she knew that would make it harder for you to say ne.

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 09:19

that should say no not ne

jasminerice · 01/04/2012 09:20

Is this an April Fools?

pigletmania · 01/04/2012 09:22

Even more to say no to her. Even if it had been in front of others the answer would still be no. She knows you like to please and is taking advantage ofvyourvgood nature

marathonrunner · 01/04/2012 09:24

Surely she will get some money towards child care through her tax credits plus when he gets to three he will get 15 hours per week free at a nursery. She will be paying nothing/very little in childcare if that is what she's worried about. I am Shock on your behalf at her cheek, I would never ask that of a friend.

BananasInBloomers · 01/04/2012 09:33

She sounds very cheeky. Say no,stick to saying no.

Don't offer to help whilst she looks for someone else cause you will still be minding him in a years time (trust me on that one,I've been there). Nurseries aside I'm sure there are lots of CM's in your area.
If she stops being your friend then she wasn't really a friend to begin with.

RobinSparkles · 01/04/2012 10:35

She offered you £30? Some CMs I know charge that per day! Of course it depends on area etc.

LisasCat · 01/04/2012 12:28

I recently had to ask a friend a similar thing in anticipation of my return to work. If DD has to go to after school club I'm going to have a bugger of a time getting back before it closes. But when I asked my friend I didn't tell her that bit, as it would have felt like I was pressuring her. I simply asked if it was something she might consider doing for the same as after school club fees, but kept repeating that we had other options, and I would completely understand if she didn't want to, and did she want to have a think about it and come back to me with her answer. And we've reached a solution whereby she'll do it some afternoons, but not all, and be free to cancel if there's a day she can't do it.

In my opinion that's the way a decent friend would make the suggestion.

DinahMoHum · 01/04/2012 12:37

just say no, you dont want that sort of commitment.

If youre still feeling a bit wussy about it say that you could maybe do one day a week, but certainly not 3, and not for £13

bobbledunk · 01/04/2012 12:52

yanbu, she has raised her child to be difficult (that will be intolerable when you're watching him five days a week) and it will ruin your daughters time because she will lose out on playgroups and all the fun stuff she enjoys.

If she is offended by your refusal then she's not much of a friend anyway. Don't back down or allow yourself to be guilt tripped, if she tries this explain why you don't want to mind him and firmly state that your daughter is your first priority and it would be unfair to her.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 13:09

Well I spoke to her this morning and explained that I wouldn't be interested in taking this on. I said that I didn't want to change our activities during the week as I would have to do if I was looking after her DS and that I didn't think it would be a good idea for the sake of our friendship. She was OK about it I suppose, said that she had been 'counting on me' but I think that was just to make me feel guilty! Grin

So all good, feel so relieved now.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 01/04/2012 13:12

Well done Smile.
She has no right to 'count on you' to do something that was never agreed, or requested before.

Who waits until a month before they return to work to look for childcare?

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 13:16

I do need to stop being such a people pleaser though, it's a bit pathetic in a woman of my age. I need to toughen up and just say no when I mean it I'd save myself a lot of worry!

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 01/04/2012 13:20

Well done! How does that backbone feel?

She was taking the proverbial and you stood up for yourself, absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 13:22

DH just shouted 'any chance of a cuppa?' downstairs and I said 'NO!'. I feel liberated and freeeeeeeee. (I'm starting small you understand).

OP posts:
RobinSparkles · 01/04/2012 13:25

She was "counting on you", WTF? Hmm That's really horrible of her to try and make you feel guilty! He is her child, therefore her responsibility! It's not your problem so don't you dare let her make you feel guilty!

I'm glad you've had the guts to say no, Dolly! She sounds as if she would be a nightmare and would have ended up taking the piss even more than she already has!

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