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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to look after my friends child?

88 replies

DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:17

while she goes back to work? I do sometimes watch him if she's going to the dentist/doc etc and I have no problem with this and will continue to do so. BUT she is going back to work next month and wants me to look after her almost 3 year old DS for 5 hours, 3 days a week. I don't want to do it. One reason is that he is a very tricky child (sweet but tricky) and my DD is not keen on him. My friend is of an opinion that children this age should not be told off, or told 'no' and should be allowed to express themselves any way they chose. I am absolutely NOT of this opinion and cannot see how any arrangement like this would work. He also does not like to be outdoors, hates parks, playgroups etc and DD loves them and I don't want to spoil our own normal activities.

I'm also pretty sure this arrangement would be illegal? I cannot find any links that I can show her to this effect but I think it is, I'm not a childminder. How do I tell my quite lovely friend that I just don't want to do this. I don't want to be an unhelpful cow but I feel she's putting me in a position and should have had this all arranged months ago.

OP posts:
lotney · 01/04/2012 08:49

Egg that case was found eventually to be a nonsense and they clarified that a situation whereby friends were exchanging childcare was absolutely fine. It is only when money changes hands that there's a problem.

iscream · 01/04/2012 08:51

PS If you really feel you need to say more (if pressed) you could say that you don't think you could give her dc the care he needs, as your routines and have a different rules are different. You have your outings and activites that you and your dd enjoy, and have no urge to drag along an unwilling child.
Also, you don't believe in mixing friendship and work, as it can ruin a friendship.
And you value her friendship to much to risk it.

But the only statement that she cannot argue/compromise with is the plain truth, and that is you do not want to be a child care provider.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:51

She offered to pay me £40 for the 3 days. I'm manning up as we speak. If she doesn't understand then there's not really much I can do about it is there? DH just thinks she's taking the piss.

OP posts:
seeker · 01/04/2012 08:52

Eeek- what a hideous situation. the problem is, that, while you must obviously say no, if you were vague enough for her to think you've agreed, then she might be a proverbial creek without a paddle, and if this all happened some time ago, in my opinion, you have to take a bit of responsibility for the situation she now finds herself in.

Has she got time to organise something else? If not, then I do think you need to say something like "I'll do it til x date- to give you time to make other arrangements, but no longer"

ToothbrushThief · 01/04/2012 08:53

I'd probably say something like 'I'd never considered becoming a childminder until you suggested it. I've thought about it and decided it's not for me. When I looked into it I found a list of registered childminders -shall I show you where? ' Don't wait for her to ask..... Speak first.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:53

iscream I really don't think it would be good for our friendship in any caseas we have very different parenting styles so that's just a recipe for disaster really. Plus I don't want to *stamps foot! Smile

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 01/04/2012 08:55

It doesn't matter if it is allowed or not, on an ongoing basis it is not possible to follow different rules for two children spending that much time together couple with tge fact that he will not enjoy the activities that you will be doing during those times and it is not a responsibility you feel tgat you can take on.

Cheeky cow £40 it will cost her tgat a day for nursery at least

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 08:55

seeker she only asked me last night and I will speak to her about it today. I was bit shocked to be honest, she asked me in front of other people and it felt really awkward!

OP posts:
HSMM · 01/04/2012 08:55

Don't even start doing it for a week or two or you'll be doing it forever. You should just say no, so it is quite clear. If she respects your friendship she will accept your answer.

saintlyjimjams · 01/04/2012 08:56

Your friend has a cheek! Just say you can't because it's illegal (it is) and anyway you don't want to have to go to the hassle of registering for self employed tax etc which you would have to do if you did this.

lotney · 01/04/2012 08:56

Well she can't claim tax credits if she's paying you either, so it's illegal and may not be best financially. My understanding is that tax credits will cover up to 70% of childcare costs.

Eggrules · 01/04/2012 08:56

My Local Authority keeps a list of childcare service providers. Thsi may be a good place for your friend to start?

grobagsforever · 01/04/2012 08:58

40 pounds per day or for three days? Not that it makes a difference.....

clam · 01/04/2012 09:00

£40 for three days???!!! Is she having a laugh?
Not that I would do it if it were £400. (well, maybe!)
Do not get sucked into this. If you even begin to do it, by just covering until she finds something else, you'll find it being extended bit by bit as she "just can't find anything."

LydiaWickham · 01/04/2012 09:00

(assuming this isn't an April fools)

Tell her, you don't want the responsibility for other people's children, so she will have to find someone else, but perhaps she could check the local authority's website as they should list the registered childminders in the area, or would she like you to ask around for recommendations?

BoffinMum · 01/04/2012 09:00

It's not illegal to do this, providing she doesn't pay you. But if you took your child around to her house and looked after both children there, it wouldn't be illegal.

One way out of this would be to say that you are thinking of looking for work yourself and you don't want to be tied down. Just a thought?

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 09:00

£40 for the three days (5 hours a day). It's not really the money but just that I don't want to do it and hate being put in a position. Mind made up anyway I will tell her this morning that I won't be doing it. I can't believe she's left it so late to organise childcare anyway, she's going back next month.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 01/04/2012 09:01

Practise Toothbrush's line in the mirror.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 01/04/2012 09:02

And don't say you will help if she gets stuck this will be a green light to not actually find anything else

LydiaWickham · 01/04/2012 09:02

A month is enough time to sort childcare.

clam · 01/04/2012 09:02

And be careful of offering "reasons" why you can't do it. Because then she can counter each one with "solutions" and you're then backed into a corner with nowhere to go.

BoffinMum · 01/04/2012 09:03

You could of course decide to charge her £7 an hour, go around hers, and actually nanny for her ... thereby making yourself £105 tax and NI free, saving her some money on nursery and also the costs of payroll, and both being better off ... but you would have to have a hard conversation about discipline and so on. It's a real option for you ...

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/04/2012 09:03

I paid £30 for one day's care 14 years ago! OP just "no!"

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 09:04

Not round here it isn't Lydia, I guess it depends which area you're in really. There are 3 nurseries nearby and they all have waiting lists.

OP posts:
wishiwasonholiday · 01/04/2012 09:04

I'm a childminder and for those hours would charge £45 for the week so depends where you are as to if it's a fair amount.

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