To expect STBX to have DC overnight in school holidays???

[kerbear]

Been separated 1 year but only lived apart from STBX since Septembr 2011 due to selling house. He has the 3 DC every other weekend and collects the 2 youngest from shool every day and cares for them until I finish work.

However, I asked STBX if he would consider having the 3 DC for 1 whole week (including overnights) of the Easter half term. He has refused stating that when they are not there that he does the majority of his work (he is self employed and works from home). But......he has said that he will look after them every day during the holidays as was originally agreed at the start of the separation.

The 3 DC are old enough to keep themselves entertained whilst they are at his during the day and there is a park at the end of his road which they go to on a regular basis, so I know he will do his work during the day. He does have an OW and I know he spends most of his evenings at hers with her n her 2 children.

He has told me that the DC are the most important people in his life....yet he won't have them anymore than the agreed every other weekend. He has them overnight for 4 nights a month.

Am I really being unreasonable to ask him to have them for 1 whole week??

Sorry veritythebrave not quite us what ure post is really meant to mean -mayb I'm having a blonde moment in not understanding it-could u pls explain in blonde terms?

I think she is agreeing that your Ex is not really pulling his weight kerbear!

Oh right-thx nowthenwreck :)

While I don't think YABU to ask him to have them more, it's not as if he's doing fuck all.

I think your situation will greatly benefit from the CC arrangements being absolutely set in stone when the custody agreement is reached.

I think his overnight care could be increased and that the level you are asking for is totally within the boundaries of being acceptable, but the most important thing here is that you are able to work during the holidays.

I am aware that he is doing more than most nrp, and he has told me that he does this for his own selfish needs but it seems that it is ALWAYS his needd that come before anyone else's-whereas I put my kids needs before anything .

Does he allow any flexibility at all? Do you think he would agree to maybe one or two nights?

No-there's no flexibility at all-it's as it was originally agreed and nothing more-even more so now since new gf n kids came on the scene :(

And thinking about it-he won't have them for the whole 2 weeks as we have good Friday, sat, sun n Easter Monday when they will be with me day and night and then the 2 days off that I will have them the second week of the half term-so he will only be having them 6 days in total!!!! :(

He is definitely doing more than most NRP that I know. Most have weekend daytime or every other weekend staying contact, with little if any mid week contact because of work/kids after school activity commitments

When I split with my ex, father of my DTS's 13 years' ago, I hoped we would still operate as "co-parents"-we had lived together for 12 years, and he was a good "hands on" parent to the DTS's then aged 10.

I couldn't have been more wrong! Ok, at first he was back living with his mother, but every Sunday from 1-7 was all he wanted. He initially helped with child care after school as I was in the last year of my BA, and didn't get back from Uni til 5-6pm some days, but he clearly resented the tie on his time and "juggling" his work for my benefit (as he saw it). In the end, my dad stepped in.

Things got worse. He soon met someone and ended up having 2 boys with her, got his own place 30 mins away, but never offered to have them in the holidays, take them away etc.

I expended a lot of energy trying to involve him in being part of the the secondary school selection process, being more hands on etc-for the DTS's sake. To no avail. He wanted regular contact but on his terms. Every Sunday was his "window". He was happy to forego attending Parents' Evenings, appointments etc.

He got the "fun, low key, access".....and I got all of the responsibility.

Back to you OP-sorry, that was a bit of an outpouring...it still rankles! YANBU to hope for more, but you may need to be content with what he is willing to do. He does see them quite a lot-and no, you don't have to be grateful for that, but rightly or wrongly the PWC will always bear more of the brunt. I have long learned that you can't change someone's feelings with the strength of your own. And, tbh, I wouldn't want my kids spending extended time with a parent that was doing so under duress.

Make the most of the free time you do have-those 4 days per month. Book a babysitter/call on friends or family for times when you need to be child free which fall inbetween the DC's staying contact. Don't give him the satisfaction of trying to appeal to his better nature/sense of fairness-cos it's likely not there!

I'm not surprised it still rankles you!! I do make the most of the 4 days that I don't have them but I don't like to call on babysitter/grandparents too unless it is totally necessary. I had the children for the whole week in the February half term and he did not ask to see them or spend time with them once-but I think that it is because I have asked for help that he is not willing to help. He has no contact with our 14 yr old from one fortnight to the next-and I had to point that out to him and tell him he has a mobile and email and he could just drop him al one-but alas that was a while ago and he still hasn't done anything about it. It's so frustrating :(

Drop him a line...lol!!

of course it still rankles you. you had children with somebody based on the idea that they'd be an equal parent and you'd be sharing the load. not that they'd have a nice afternoon with them once a week and the rest would be down to you.

my ds's father has never seen him so i could say oh yours do more than mine did and you should think yourself lucky ra ra ra but that would be BS! a parent should take their share - they're not doing anyone a favour - it's their responsibility.

we need to get away from the whole 'rights' agenda and focus on responsibility and it's fair division.

I get where you are coming from, and I am glad you make the most of the time you do have. However-take it from one who knows (insert bitter laugh emoticon!)you can easily become consumed by the "principle"/unfairness of the situation. I did. It's negative energy. Trite, but true!

And you have got it in one re that it's the asking for help. My ex was the same.....he wasn't going to lose contact with his boys, but by God, he was not going to do anything to make my/our lives easier!

In a fit of pique, after he refused to agree to have the boys one Saturday evening (with notice) so I could have a rare evening out-I once referred to him as adopting the role of "A fucking Macdonald's dad". He was non plussed-pointed out that I had been the one to end the relationship....HE had had to uproot (house was in my name) and he was not going to roll over for me.

He'd see the boys weekly and pay maintenance-but that was it. No flexibility. No operating as "co parents". Nada. And he was true to his word.

However, I was able to get around him and irritate him by occasionally sending the boys to his mother's for the occasonial weekend/few days in hols. She was happy to see them and as she was on a low income, I always gave her some money towards their food and treated her.

So fuck him, OP. Call on your friendship/familial networjk where necessary. Don't be controlled. And don't try to control (I mean this kindly btw) re the power struggles. Accept what he offers, and make your own plans accordingly. And don't give him "prompts" to be more involved with the 14 yr old-if he wanted to he would. It's a rite of passage to become disillusioned with ones parents-and yours will, sooner rather than later. And these kind of Ex's have only themselves to blame.

But he agreed that we would co-parent and that he would be involved in their lives as much as he could but now the gf and her kids have come on the scene he's not interested in his anymore. I am contemplating telling him that I don't feel it is enough input that he is having and that after much deliberation I have decided to go to a solicitor and seek a childcare order so that he does his fair share. I will point out that I have tried to talk to him on the matter but that he is not willing to co-operate. See if that has any movement on his part. (whether i'd actually go through with it im not sure at the me). He knows that the divorce papers are completed and I am waiting for his share of the cost of it before I send them off-and I have asked him for that several times a day over the past week but he has still not given me the money.

Ok-I do understand the strength of your feelings on this issue. Especially as he gave you an undertaking. However, it is not possible for you to obtain a Court Order compelling him to do more. Family Courts ime, are more used to disputes in contact/parental alienation issues because one parent wants more but the other is disagreeing /trying to thwart that.

Therefore, if a NRP was saying "Look, I am willing to offer every other weekend, and daily child care after school so my ex partner can work, but not overnight midweek and no structured holidays" they would not be seen as feckless or shirking their responsibilities

You have not said that he is seeking shared residence of the DC-this might compel him to do more in terms of holidays etc, but it would have to be HIS application for shared residence.....you cannot seek one on his behalf-or on behalf of your DC.

Do discuss with your solicitor. Best of luck. It sucks to feel like the one always carrying the can. x

Shared Residence has never been discussed but I am 100% sure that he wouldn't go for that as it would mean that he cannot do what he likes-which is what he does now. I would just like a little more help where OUR children are concerned on his part-and yes I know he does more than most nrp-but surely its not too much to ask to have his children more than 4 nights every month?? Maybe I should seek the advice of a solicitor before I send the divorce papers off on this matter.

see this is why I keep CHILDCARE and ACCESS seperate - I pay nursery and a childminder - and holiday club - that way I am in charge and wont be let down

My ex has mine 2 nights a week and 24hrs every weekend - plus he is a great dad and loves them dearly

I still wouldn;t rely on him to provide much needed childcare - he does and always has put his work before mine

I agree with Gordy. Giving your ex control over your childcare arrangements is very very foolish ime.

YANBU to expect him to share the responsibility of the children, but you can't change the fact that he isn't so your energy is far better spent on making arrangements that don't involve him to give you a break. You say you can't afford childcare - have you looked into tax credits or childcare vouchers?

yes - TC pays up to 80% of childcare for loan parents

When we first separated all was amicable and I assumed it would stay that way so didn't see an issue in the childcare arrangements and him collecting them from school. But recently he is just going back on all that he said he would do-he has told me that I deserve to be happy-yet in the next breath he declines having his children as he know that would enable me to be on my own for a while. I have looked into childcare for the 2 younger ones but the local minders in my area that collect from their school have no vacancies at the moment and the local holiday club doesnt have a good reputation. I am also looking into tax credits. Maybe I should just accept that this is the way it's going to be and deal with it-as crusading as that is!!

Meant frustrating and not crusading!!

No, of course it's not too much to ask-or shouldn't be....but he sees it as such. He doesn't want to do more than he is , and therefore, he isn't going to be flexible.

As I, and Optimistic have said, make arrangements that don't involve him for child care outwith of what he does, and take back some control.

I learned not to rely on anyone but myself. It might sound pessimistic, but my xDP went on to have more children, was in and out of relationships, and then left work and went to college and University. Maintenance stopped and things changed when DS was no longer the only child.

Then I had DD, she's never had a dad, he's declined to be involved since day one. Sometimes I'll get some maintenance, sometimes not.

So long as you count on only yourself and have no real expectation from them, you won't be frustrated or let down. Then everything that you do get is a bonus.

Frustration is a wasted emotion. If you want time off to deal with depression, arrange it without him, then you won't have to deal with being let down. If he sees you never bowing down to any sort of power play/control (should that be what this is about) and is only welcome to suit himself as it suits you, then perhaps he might become more amicable about being flexible.