To expect STBX to have DC overnight in school holidays???

[kerbear]

Been separated 1 year but only lived apart from STBX since Septembr 2011 due to selling house. He has the 3 DC every other weekend and collects the 2 youngest from shool every day and cares for them until I finish work.

However, I asked STBX if he would consider having the 3 DC for 1 whole week (including overnights) of the Easter half term. He has refused stating that when they are not there that he does the majority of his work (he is self employed and works from home). But......he has said that he will look after them every day during the holidays as was originally agreed at the start of the separation.

The 3 DC are old enough to keep themselves entertained whilst they are at his during the day and there is a park at the end of his road which they go to on a regular basis, so I know he will do his work during the day. He does have an OW and I know he spends most of his evenings at hers with her n her 2 children.

He has told me that the DC are the most important people in his life....yet he won't have them anymore than the agreed every other weekend. He has them overnight for 4 nights a month.

Am I really being unreasonable to ask him to have them for 1 whole week??

Ok I see your points but the fact that I have them every day and every night doesn't come into it? He's their father and yes mayb I am being demanding because if I didn't have to work I would be having them every day and every night.....and that would b fine in all of your eyes it would seem :(

As he is self employed he agreed to have them in the school holidays as he works from home and the fact that they will be there each day will not stop him going to appointments if need be nor from working all day. He does not take them anywhere when he has them so they are at his house keeping themselves amused whist he works!

Unfortunately I would have to go into a lot more detail as to why she is the OW and that part is not relevant.

Well, I would consider it me asking my xDP a lot if he was to have my DS all through the holidays, overnights and daytimes because we share the care between us, rather than one or the other of us doing it all.

Only time DS stays fulltime at his dads or mine is if neither of us are capable of caring, so when I've been hospitalised or when his dad was in an abusive relationship.

It does just seem a bit much to me to say you have them all day and all night for the holidays, personally I'd want my own time with them too. And I would want my xDP to have some of his own time as well. If he was saving me having to arrange any childcare, I'd be grateful rather than want more from him.

I agree not doing any overnights at all is not on, and neither is the quick introduction of a girlfriend (although I guess as a parent it's his choice when to introduce her), but I guess with one child who has nothing at all from her dad, no contact or anything, that I don't think he's doing too bad a job and sometimes you have to be grateful for what you've got and not what you don't have.

she's not asking him to have them ALL the holidays but for half - a week each. which seems totally fair to me.

another oh i love my children, i'd love to have them more, ra ra ra singer who actually refuses to step up and have them more.

i do think you were a bit silly to ask him for the children - they should have asked him and let him tell them no. he's their dad - say ooh ask your dad, i'd be happy with that but you'll have to see what he says.

and i totally disagree with the 'you should be grateful' messages on this thread - he's their father not some random doing you a favour ffs!

but presumably he wouldn't be having them for half, he would be having them for a while week (day and night) AND daytime in the other week.

I agree that in an ideal world he would have more overnights, but he isn't doing nothing either.

And I know grateful is the wrong term, I just can't express it properly.

He needs time too obviously, if you both work then I'd be mindful that if he is watching the children in the day, that perhaps having the evenings and nights to recover mean that he can keep up.

I think perhaps you need to maybe sit down again and talk about your aims as co-parents and go into a greater depth about what your issues are with each other and what you expect and need?

And he did say had I given him more than 4 days notice that he could of arrant something - but he's had 2 weeks notice and still doesn't want them overnight

Arranged!!!

swallowedAfly
"they should have asked him and let him tell them no. he's their dad - say ooh ask your dad, i'd be happy with that but you'll have to see what he says."

any more good guilt trip ideas?
maybe a post of "101 ways to control your ex."

He has been self employed all the 11 years we were married and it has never been a problem b4 so I cannot see how it is a problem now. HE is their father after all! Maybe I am being unreasonable to want to go out to work so that I am not completely living on benefits-and it was his 3 affairs that broke our marriage up!!! Sorry-slightly angry now :(

I am confused. Presumably during you have the children full time for some of the school holidays OP?

And yeah I get the "he's their dad, not doing you a favour" thing, I could have the same expectation of my xDP and tell him you sort out your own childcare, we agreed that you have DS this time and this date, and if you can't look after him, then tough.

But life's topsy and turvy and things change, we keep it flexible and help each other out, and yeah do each other favours... he wants to get blind drunk at his engagement party, so I'll take DS home so he doesn't have to look after him with a hangover. He's having DS so I can get to hospital appointments. I've started having DS Saturday nights so he can work. He doesn't pay me maintenance, but he makes sure DS gets swimming lessons. When I get too sick to care for the kids, DS goes and lives with dad for a few weeks, when DS's dad had an operation/broke his arm I kept DS for a while to let him recover.

We have our responsibilities as parents, yes, but we also can respect that each other has a separate life too, and try to help each other out.

Does he do any overnights at all? Why doesn't he do them? I'd want to know why he won't have them overnight. Push at that. Not for the holidays, but in general. Talk and try to open up channels, resentment and anger close down communication. I've learned I have to leave it at the door and try to just get on. I could be annoyed I have to be solely financially responsible for DS, or I look at the fact that DS spends plenty of time with dad, who is flexible and also making sure DS gets to do things I can't afford. His dad isn't the best, but I have a child who doesn't have a dad at all and I guess when I compare it to that, I am grateful.

I know this is tough, but affairs and you not living on benefits, they are a separate issue to this, sort of. I'm angry at xDP for things too, but being angry doesn't ever sort it out.

I'm getting a bit confused what you want now, probably my own fault.

He has them for regular access, but not overnight? He's having them over the holidays in the daytime. That's the issue here right, not having them overnight? And how the kids feel about that?

What part of not having them overnight has to do with the affairs or you not being on benefits?

Do you see what I mean?

And I feel like I am not being very compassionate now, I am sorry. I know it's tough, honestly, I am just trying to change the way you look at it so it hurts you less. Because sometimes that's all you can do in a situation that isn't ideal.

I thought it said in the OP that Ex would have them one week of the easter hols, and OP the other?
If so, then he should have them full time for that week. I don't see any reason (other than his reluctance to curtail his freedom) why he shouldn't do this.

i don't see how that is a guilt trip or manipulation thanks. the children want to know why they can't stay at their dad's house more often - he's the person to ask isn't he? not their mum. he's their parent and they should be able to communicate directly with him and ask him any questions they have about situations with him.

if mum was answering questions about dad's motives surely that would be the manipulative thing whereas as telling them to ask him allows him to answer for himself.

Hmmm. OK, so he would have them one full time week, and then one week only the days?
Seems fine to me.
Presumably OP will generally have them full time a lot as well.
He is their dad.

ok given he's having them every day that does make a difference of course. if you want him to have them for half the holidays then during your half you are going to need to arrange your childcare.

i guess OP doesn't have them full time as they are all of school age - but then she's at work whilst they are at school so it's not like she's gaining anything from that as she has them every morning and night whilst he has his whole week to himself generally and just every other weekend.

how about going for 50/50 residency OP? would you want that? if he's likely to refuse at least he'll have to negotiate down from there rather than assume the pitiful contribution of two weekends a month.

can you go for 50/50 if the other parent isn't willing? How would you negotiate - if the other parent says "one weekend a fortnight and no more". Would a court order more? How could that be enforced if the other parent wouldn't physically have them?

i suspect squirrel that no a woman can't say no i only want them 50% and the other half is your responsibility. it's all about father's rights to see their child but never any obligation to step up and be an equal parent.

a woman has no way of protesting against a father refusing to do his share sadly. he can get an order saying he has the RIGHT to see his children but there is nothing to enforce a responsibility to do so in law.

but i think if you go into court saying you want 50/50 you're more likely to get a decent amount of contact ordered and maybe once a court states it the father is more likely to do it.

I work mon-fri, 9-5. They live with me and I have them every evening and every morning. He has the 2 youngest from 3.20-5.30 mon-fri until I collect them from his. It was agreed that as he works from home and that they do not interfere with his ability to work whilst they are there, and to enable me to carry on working, that he would have them each day during the holidays. He will still work when they are there but he isn't willing to have them overnight at all during that 2 week period.

He does have them over night on his allocated weekends from fri night to sun afternoon-and has been known to bring them back early as they have clashed with his plans.

It is not that he needs to "rest and recuperate" when they go home that he can't have them, because as soon as I have collected the children he is off to his girlfriends house with her and her children......yet can't have his own :-(

Obviously I am being selfish to want a little "me" time other than the 4 nights a month I am allocated :-(