To expect STBX to have DC overnight in school holidays???

[kerbear]

Been separated 1 year but only lived apart from STBX since Septembr 2011 due to selling house. He has the 3 DC every other weekend and collects the 2 youngest from shool every day and cares for them until I finish work.

However, I asked STBX if he would consider having the 3 DC for 1 whole week (including overnights) of the Easter half term. He has refused stating that when they are not there that he does the majority of his work (he is self employed and works from home). But......he has said that he will look after them every day during the holidays as was originally agreed at the start of the separation.

The 3 DC are old enough to keep themselves entertained whilst they are at his during the day and there is a park at the end of his road which they go to on a regular basis, so I know he will do his work during the day. He does have an OW and I know he spends most of his evenings at hers with her n her 2 children.

He has told me that the DC are the most important people in his life....yet he won't have them anymore than the agreed every other weekend. He has them overnight for 4 nights a month.

Am I really being unreasonable to ask him to have them for 1 whole week??

yeah - I just wondered about the practicalities etc.

I think he is doing quite a lot already. He picks them up from school every day and has them every second weekend and every day during the holidays. It must be hard for him to fit in his own work.

I know you do all the overnights so it would be fair for him to do some too, but I think if you want that then you need to try and share the during the week childcare a bit more, he does have to earn a living too.

trixymalixy he does earn a living - he has them for 2 hours a day-and that's only 2 of them and when they are there he is in his room working-so please don't make seem that he doesn't work whilst he has the children because he doesn't! He even takes them to appointments with him and they stay in the car-they tell me all of this.

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable - BUT - I don't see what you can do either, though maybe swallowed's idea is worth following up.
And if he won't have them for overnights, then you need to sort out free evenings for yourself, be that babysitters, sleepovers, grandparents or whatever.
At those ages and with a 14y would you be happy leaving your eldest in charge for a few hours in the evening?

Well, I don't think that's too bad to be honest, book a babysitter if you need a night out mate.

i would tell him you are not happy with how things are and would like 50/50 share of care. it may shake him up into offering more time. at the very least he should be having them for an overnight in the week every week in addition to the weekends - that's the general contact set by court and the sort of standard arrangement.

he's getting every night to himself bar 4 a month. that is not a fair share. i'd go for saying you want 50/50 and see how he responds.

Well in that case why not get some "proper" childcare in place and try for a more even 50/50 split including overnights?

Maybe send them to a childminder 2-3 days/week after school and then aim for him to do 2-3 full after school and evenings in addition to the weekends that you have arranged already?

Whilst he's having them in place of a childminder/school club/holiday club (which he is really judging by the hours) you're less likely to get movement from him as he is seeing them at least five days/week at present.

Maybe your children are less of a handful than mine, but I find working from home with dc here is nowhere near as productive as time alone so it might suit you both better overall?

Hmmm difficult one. If you were saying 1 full week each, then I would agree. However, he is doing more than his fair share, imo. It would be nice for him to have them a few nights though, even just for convenience and to give OP some time to herself that isn't at work. Childcare is a shared responsibility, so he is doing the days and OP the nights. Seems shared to me. It might be different if the OP could have taken some time off in the holidays so he won't have them every day. Is there a reason you couldn't take annual leave for a few days?

x-posted (I'm really slow!)

I am taking 2 days off during the half term as the rest of my annual leave entitlement has been booked to cover mine and the children's 2 week summer holiday, and the rest is taken with the times that he is away doing things he wants to do without the children - so i am limited to how much I can actually take off during each school holidays.

I will consider emailing him - as this is the only form of communication that HE has dictated we can use regarding the children- and suggesting 50/50 shared responsibility-but knowin my ex as I do this would not be an option for him as it will interfere with his social life too much. I don't begrudge having my children at all - but recently I have been depressed and just needed a break from them-and them me- and thought I would ask their father. Babysitters and extra child care just add to the monthly outgoings that I have at present....which seems a waste of money when their father lives not a 10 minute drive away.

But if he's having them everyday during the school holidays then that's 14 weeks (or similar depending where you live) of the year when he's not getting a proper day's work done. That's a huge proportion of the year. And it isn't possible to get a decent day's work done with kids I have tried and they are very distracting.

If you are not happy then as others have said, ask for 50/50 or do your fair share of the midweek care.

I don't think what you are asking is U at all.
When you take the children on holiday for 2 weeks in the summer will you be the only adult?
And you say you will have the children (presumably nights too) while Ex does his own thing at other times?

If he has them for the days in the holiday, you will just be at work. It's not like you are really getting a break, whereas he does get lots of breaks.

It is NOT asking too much, and you should be able to get some time alone sometimes.
You sound pretty cut up about the whole break up and could probably use the time to lick your wounds.

I just dont get the poster saying "but he is having them every day!
Er. So what?

I am taking 2 days off during the half term as the rest of my annual leave entitlement has been booked to cover mine and the children's 2 week summer holiday, and the rest is taken with the times that he is away doing things he wants to do without the children

trixy^

Just to clarify, I don't think YABU to want more nights off it is hard not being able to go out in the evenings, you can feel quite trapped.

nowthenwreck - yes I will be the only adult there and I will b paying for the holiday and I will have them on the weeks that he is swanning off round the world to do the things he wants to do when I will have them night and day as I cannot afford to pay childminders to have them whilst I am working-I don't begrudge him that time even tho he gets from 5.30pm-3.30ish each day to do what he wants. He also takes time out of his day, EVERY day to meet his girlfriend for lunch. And he does get a good days work when he has them as they are out playing or watching dvd's/computers and they get their own lunch there too. Yet I'm being unreasonable to ask him to have them for 5 whole days/nights so that I can have a break-when in reality that means I would only get from 5.30pm each day to myself and then go to work each day-so there would be no going out getting drunk else I'd never make it to work the next day! I just wanted some "me" time to relax and not have to worry about things for a while.....obviously too much to ask. :(

it's not unreasonable or too much to ask. sadly though it is too much to ask of your ex. sadly this is part of the problem with post break up arrangements - all rights and no responsibilities on the part of the nrp

It's not too much to ask to get a break, no one is saying that. But he does do a lot and if you want a more equitable split then you have to consider taking on some of the responsibility for the midweek childcare, which will I guess mean you paying for after school clubs.

Are they good or a pain at bedtime?

Bedtimes are never a problem - and when he has them he sends them to bed to watch the tv at a certain time and then they fall asleep with the tv on.

If they as parents decide to use after school clubs then it will be their responsibility as parents to pay for this.

Nowthenwreck

I'm not sure that this case would work that way.

also

wouldn't going 50/50 affect the maintenance payments from the NRP?

Which he wouldn't agree to do as he will say that he can collect them every day so it would be left to ME to pay for.

boneybackjefferson I would be more than willing for him to drop his maintenance payments by half if he agreed to have them 50/50-and I will suggest it to him-but I know the answer would be no because it would mean he couldn't do what he wants to do of an evening.

kerbear

Its not just a reduction in payments, i think that if he has them 50/50 he can claim for some of the child benefits as well.

You will need to research your situation and the effect that going 50/50 could have.

It could leave you and the DC much worse off.

But boneybackjefferson he would be entitled to those benefits if he had 50-50 care and that would be fine-but I will look into it further before contacting him on the situation