...to think this teacher should have checked both sides first?

[EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog]

Relations with school are strained at the moment. We think DD (7) has a mild learning disability - the assessment she went through last year highlighted a number of areas she struggles in, but the overall result was "she's very very bright academically, struggles with the social side; has a little bit of this and a little bit of that but not enough for a firm diagnosis of anything."

The school do not seem to understand the test results and expect her to behave exactly the same as any other kid. This leads to problems. We have a communications book that gets written in every day.

Today the teacher called me over and said DD had 'hugged' another child and wouldn't stop when the other child asked her to. Fair enough, that's not on. Then DD piped up and said: "That's not what happened! I was checking XX's muscles!" Well, this may or may not be true - that's not the point.

My question is - AIBU to think the teacher should have at least ATTEMPTED to get DD's side of the story before telling me what had happened? It feels like she's being picked on TBH.

I'm not coping very well with the situation at the moment (there's a whole back story) so it may well be that I'm being overly negative about the whole thing. Please enlighten me & cheer me up somebody!

Does it matter if she was hugging or checking their muscle's?

The simple fact is she didn't stop when asked.

Does it make any difference? She was still hugging the child (to check their muscles?) and wouldn't stop when the child told her to.

It doesn't matter though whether she's checking his muscles though does it - she was still hugging him after he told her not to, right?

Are you concerned they're not listening to her in other ways?

Sadly, she is still touching another child when asked not to. LDs or no LDs she is stepping into another persons personal space and paid no heed to the request to let go.

Perhaps it didn't occur to the school that there was another side? Presumably it appeared to them that she was hugging this child and wouldn't stop - it certainly wouldn't occur to me that there might be an alternative explanation, particularly if they already know she has problems socially. Also, my children have been known to 'spin' a situation to get themselves off the hook eg, I didn't push him over, he was in my way - that kind of thing. Do you think that could be a possibility?

Then again, I'm not a teacher so can only say how I would see it. Like you say, there's obviously some context to this, hope you can get things back on an even keel with school and get some support for your dd

yanbu
sounds like the school need to learn a bit about sn.

Unwanted contact is unwanted contact.

Yes, I am concerned they're being very one-sided about her ishoos.

I do think DD was wrong to not stop when asked to - and quite rightly there should be a consequence for that. (And there was.) But what bothers me is that the teacher hadn't even spoken to her & listened to what she had to say about the matter.

So if a kid goes up to the teacher and says "Miss, miss! MiniEONTOF did X and Y" - will the teacher just discipline DD without questioning what happened first?

maybe, but the school still need to accept the op's child has sn.

2shoes how did you conclude that from the OP?

The child hasn't been diagnosed with anything. Fair enough that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't have a 'mild' learning disability, but that also doesn't mean the school were wrong in how they handled it.

Well not from the tiny bit the OP has posted anyway.

It's like there is an assumption that whatever happens, DD will be the one that was wrong. DD has said in the past that the other kids tell on her all the time, and that she gets into trouble for things others don't.

So if a kid goes up to the teacher and says "Miss, miss! MiniEONTOF did X and Y"-will the teacher just discipline DD without questioning what happened first?

Be honest though OP, if your DD was questioned about it, you'd be up in arms about that surely?

I can only go on your other postings but you don't seem keen on anyone telling your child off.

I think that if you feel like your dd is being picked on by her class teacher then you need to discuss this with the school and get it sorted out.

In the situation you describe, regardless of what your dd was doing, there was a child who felt uncomfortable at prolonged contact and your dd didn't stop when requested. So the teacher was correct to tell you so you can talk it over with dd and let her know that she has to stop when asked.

Worra - just because the line for diagnosis wasn't crossed, doesn't mean to say she is neurotypical.

The POINT is that they didn't speak to the OP's DD. For dome children with SN the fact that they aren't heard or listened to is massively frustrating.

If they didn't bother to speak to her and ask for an explanation on this occasion how many other occasions have they jumped to an assumption of the facts.

Worra I read it that the op's child has sn,
just didn'yt tick the boxes.
which is often the case with sn

You're right

But on the other hand, just because a parent thinks their child may have a slight learning disability, that doesn't make it so either does it?

Either way, my advice (FWIW) is to get behind the school and its discipline.

You may be grateful for it one day and I'm sure your DD will cope better if you can show some support.

Depends, did the teacher SEE what happened?

Did the teacher question her but just concluded she wasn't telling the truth (or that checking muscles wasn't a valid excuse anyway).

Did another Adult witness the incident?

Or did the teacher just bindly take the word of another child.

Frankly if you tested EVERY child there would be mild ishoos in various different areas, most of which don't constitute a diagnosis.

Normal doesn't exist, but if your dd does not have a specific diagnosable problem, she needs to learn how to cope in a normal social environment. Discipline is an important part of this...

She didn't need to be listened to, for whatever reason she was touching another child who didn't want to be touched and didn't stop when asked.

Mild sn or not she still needs to learn to respect others personal space.

Are you having regular meetings with her teacher/the school?

I think it would be appropriate for you to say that you are concerned that dd is going to be constantly tattle taled on (girls of this age are prime for this!) and that dd is not always going to given a fair hearing.

If flag this up then the teacher may at least ensure that she does listen to your dd rather than just assuming she was wrong.

Worra - it is very possible that I am being too negative about this school (which is why I'm doing a sanity check here). Their track record in co-operating with home is not brilliant. However, one of the things I disagree with them about is the consistency of the discipline, and I keep asking them to help DD learn the boundaries - instead of just punishing her. It's like wading through treacle.

I'm amazed the teacher would remember such a minor incident unless it wasn't minor or you have asked her in the past to report on any misdemeanours.

Cross post with several there. Yes, we have regular meetings with school. Not only with the teacher and the SENCO, but with the head. And occasionally the EP too. So there's lots of involvement all round. And lots of suggestions for intervention too.

But the last time she was sent to the Head to talk about boundaries and how she crossed them, you were annoyed about that too.

In fact you described it as being 'hauled' into the Heads office and said it was OTT.

Really, I think you need to let them get on with their job and support both the school and your DD.

Yes, we have a communications book that gets filled in for every lesson and every break separately.