...to think this teacher should have checked both sides first?

[EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog]

Relations with school are strained at the moment. We think DD (7) has a mild learning disability - the assessment she went through last year highlighted a number of areas she struggles in, but the overall result was "she's very very bright academically, struggles with the social side; has a little bit of this and a little bit of that but not enough for a firm diagnosis of anything."

The school do not seem to understand the test results and expect her to behave exactly the same as any other kid. This leads to problems. We have a communications book that gets written in every day.

Today the teacher called me over and said DD had 'hugged' another child and wouldn't stop when the other child asked her to. Fair enough, that's not on. Then DD piped up and said: "That's not what happened! I was checking XX's muscles!" Well, this may or may not be true - that's not the point.

My question is - AIBU to think the teacher should have at least ATTEMPTED to get DD's side of the story before telling me what had happened? It feels like she's being picked on TBH.

I'm not coping very well with the situation at the moment (there's a whole back story) so it may well be that I'm being overly negative about the whole thing. Please enlighten me & cheer me up somebody!

Unwanted contact can have a result that is not minor though. My nephew has SN and if a child kept touching/hugging him after he asked it to stop, he would lash out physically.
So what seems a minor incident can turn into major, depending who is involved and their tolerance levels/ friendliness etc.

Yes, Worra, I was annoyed that she got sent to the head for what she had intended as a joke.

That's kind of the point of my posts: they treat every incident as naughtiness, when I think DD simply does not have the judgement to behave appropriately in many situations! And despite the punishments, she is simply not learning.

Worra - what would you do in this situation?

I'm not sure what you wanted to happen differently really. Regardless of whether your DD was hugging another child or checking their muscles, the fact that she didn't stop when asked is what the school has to respond to. If your DD had been accused of doing something by another child which the teacher hadn't seen, and the teacher had told your DD off without asking her first for her side of the story, that would be a different matter. But I think here you are overreacting.

Yes, I agree that DD shouldn't get away with something like that. I would like to see school TEACH her what she needs to learn - not just punish her.

Sounds like she needs support at playtimes rather than being left to her own devices as she is clearly not coping/learning

I'd tell you what I'd do in that situation OP...

I'd stop making excuses and putting it down to a 'joke' when you know your child deliberately disobeyed you, disobeyed the school and was rude to a member of staff.

Then I'd realise, the reason she has a communications book is so the school can communicate with you about her behavior.

That doesn't mean they are picking on her...it means they are taking her behaviour and the dealing with it as seriously as they should.

All that's missing here (it would seem) is your support and that's likely to make life difficult all round I'm afraid.

I am honestly sympathetic to your worries, my child is also not quite NT but not got more than the vaguest diagnosis, but I do think there weren't actually 2 sides to this incident, the muscle checking really isn't particularly relevant. Do you think the teacher accepts that your DD is emotionally young for her age, so needs more support? Are there any positive reward schemes? What sort of discipline do school use?

[shrug]

DS2 got into trouble at school because he pushed a girl away who kept "hugging" him. She wouldn't stop so he pushed her. She told the teacher who then wouldn't listen to him.

So, whilst YANBU to expect a teacher to hear both sides, your DD shouldn't be hugging people if they don't want to be and have asked her to stop.

Sounds rather unhelpful of the school to accost you about it when they hadn't yet attempted to deal with the issue themselves. No wander your DD is piping up what she thinks has happened - sounds like they had yet to sit down with her and explain why she shouldn't hug people (or check their muscels) when they don't want her to. What are you as a parent supposed to do about it? You could back the school up in helping her to learn appropriate boundaries, but it's not helpful for a school to throw the child's behaviour back at the parent as if it's not fundamentally the school's problem to deal with behaviour on their premisis.

Hieye, i dont normallt post on here but just wanted to say you might get some helpful advice if you post in the special needs childres section. Its the one underneath this one.

There are loads of people on there with helpful advice and support.

Was your daughter punished? I get the impression that all the teacher did was tell her off, and speak to you.

That seems reasonable, in fact I would expect my child, SN or not, to be punished in some way for behaving like that towards another child.

Worra - the impression from the OP's posts is that the school are punishing rather than working with the DD to help her understand age appropriate behaviour. Which may be why the OP is worried about her DD being blamed for incidents?

The school 'accosted' the OP?

I must have missed that post cos I can only see the one where she says Today the teacher called me over

Light I can see what you're saying but the OP hasn't mentioned a punishment by the school, this time or the last time.

Today the teacher called me over and said DD had 'hugged' another child and wouldn't stop when the other child asked her to. Fair enough, that's not on.

DD: That's not what happened! I was checking XX's muscles!

You: Did you keep touching XX when they asked you to stop?"

DD: Yes

You: XX didn't like that. Don't touch people if they don't want you too.

Would this approach work?

TBH, hugging or checking muscles is irrelevant - she wouldn't stop when the other child asked her to. You need to teach her that she has to stop doing something when someone else asks her to.

I agree with Ineedalife. There is a value to the postings on here and I am not writing off their take, but in addition I suspect we with SN experience might have more .... well experience. Of borderline diagnoses (60% of the kids in my PCT never get a dx because they don't tick the right boxes; doesn't make then NT though) and of unsupportive / downright unhelpful schools.

XPosts :)

Nalu as you appear to be a teacher or TA, you do recognise surely that for some children SN IS an excuse- a child who has a processing delay or can't understand verbal communication in some or all situations can;t always be taught to just do as they are told.

I recognise this is not the case for the OP but as an SN professional and mum of autistic kids, that level of absolutism always concerns me. DS1 has a diagnosed 2 minute processing delay but stayed in mainstream at LEA's request until he was 11, ds3 doesn't always respond to verbal comms though we took him out of MS at 6

yes, I agree with sancti in response to nalu's post, that a child with receptive language delay or semantic pragmatic difficulties may genuinely not understand an instruction, rather than be disobedient. But agree to the point that very clear, simple expectations can be beneficial to a child with SN.

Mrs TP- wise words,

Re. The SN issue, the teacher is communicating both formally (book) and informally (chats) with the parent. How is that unsupportive exactly? Despite the SN the teacher has to find a way of getting the DC to behave in class. Which it sounds like she is trying to do.

Worra- thanks for reminding me this is the same OP from the farting putty thread...

I really think the school are trying and being held back by the OPs attitude in this case.

my dd who is autistic and non verbal has been known to pinch and bite. She does it when she is frustrated or stressed or angry. She does it when she wants to get out of doing something demanding. However she does know it is not desirable and that she shouldn't do it. If she does this, she is told off very firmly and has to have a few minutes time out. I support this whole heartedly. My dd's school are doing their best to teach her what is and isn't acceptable. Whilst I sympathise with you I think you have got to show them you are behind them. That way they are more likely to listen and take on board what you say when you have got serious grounds to complain about your dd's treatment. One thing that stands out in your post is that the teacher told you in front of your daughter presumably in the playground. I think it might be better if you had a weekly or fortnightly ten minute catch up to talk over any incidents so you don't feel 'got at' at the end of the day. I would really dislike being told in front of others if dd had been difficult because I think I would also feel very defensive about it. It also seems that you are cross about other issues and this might be colouring your view of this one incident. I have also had loads of problems with schools but I would strongly recommend that you pick your battles!

Ok, thanks everyone. I can see I'm in the wrong.