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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband wanting all my salary

103 replies

netty36 · 24/03/2012 23:15

I have a part-time teaching job. My husband is very tight and controlling with our finances, and although we have a small mortgage, he doen't give me a penny...which is why I got a part-time job. I use my money to buy weekly food shops, kids clothes, breaks away and any school costs. If I use my own money to buy myself clothes, for example, he literally goes crazy. I am actually thinking of leaving as he threatening to put the mortgage/ electricity bill in my name so I can pay it, but the bank said he can't do this. I am so fed up.

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 25/03/2012 15:09

claudedebussy the concept of my money and yours CAN work in a marriage! In fact, it the only thing that does work in our marriage.
No solution works if either party is a nobber or you just don't talk about it.

sarahtigh · 25/03/2012 15:31

please dont assume you can divorce and come back to UK with kids in many places not sure about NZ but in many states of USA you are not allowed to move too far from non resident parent so moving back to UK may not be an option as deprives kids of meaningful relationship with father ( I am not saying he is a good or even ok father ) just raising a legal point

separate accoutns can work fine in a marriage we are both self employed and have separate finances but there is trust

Anniegetyourgun · 25/03/2012 15:36

"If this was domestic violence, rather than financial abuse, would those posters be asking the same question, or making the same unhelpful observation?"

Yes, they would, and some do, unfortunately.

claudedebussy · 25/03/2012 16:21

i guess i should be clearer - 'my money and your money' where the division is not fair. i forget that not everyone can read my mind...

Southwest · 25/03/2012 16:36

Who owns your house? Is it in both names?
I'm shocked to think that she can't just leave NZ with the kids although recognise that I probably shouldn't be

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/03/2012 16:40

yy re CAB.

I'm a little concerned that if you come back here with your children, that he'll screw you for the house. With decent advice this needn't happen.

Your huaband's behaviour is appalling.

mathanxiety · 25/03/2012 21:28

The house for the children and half the globe between him and the OP sounds like a decent deal to me.

Mia4 · 25/03/2012 22:39

He's controlling you, attempting to keep/get more control when he feels threatened by your independence. You can try RELATE or something like that but ultimately people who are controlling like this don't change, they only get worse and/or more manipulative.

This isn't healthy for you or your kids and it certainly won't help your stress levels. I'd suggest going to the CAB for advice or googling to find out any support that you may have in your area-or by phone- for this.

SoSadSarah · 26/03/2012 04:59

Have you tried splitting the bills proportionately, I see many have posted this, but you have not replied?
If you have tried this and it doesn't work, well you might be screwed!
Does he have money left after he has paid everything, if not, it might be you being unreasonable? Just food for thought, not trying to defend anyone but I guess a one sided story doesn't tell the whole picture?
Ask to try the equal splitting of the essentials, then whats left belongs to the earner!

I speak with experience, my shopping got to take over everything else. I got a 3rd person to look at everything and we sorted it out!

Hope it works out for you x

FlangelinaBallerina · 26/03/2012 07:51

The thing is Sarah that DH doesn't pay for everything, and what he does pay for includes a flash car. That's not a necessity. If money is very tight after paying for it, which it might be, they need to consider him getting something cheaper so there's more slack in the budget. It isn't appropriate for one partner to commandeer all spare money for a luxury. If there's no money for OP to buy new clothes, which there may not be, there's no money for flash cars either.

Heswall · 26/03/2012 08:06

As for leaving with the children, possession is 9/10 of the law.
I was told I couldn't leave Oz with my DD so I got on a plane and went, if i'd stuck around he would have got a court order and that would have been that but with 12,000 miles between us it was hard to argue about anything at all.

Heswall · 26/03/2012 08:09

Sorry I was advised not told I couldn't leave, you go before it gets to that stage. A moonlight flit if need be, which in this case I would imagine it would be necessary.

PiedWagtail · 26/03/2012 10:01

WTF??? If he is this countrolling about money, what on earhth is he like about everything else? he sounds horrible. Life is too short to stay with someone who has such a weird and skewed view of things, and everyone deserves to be treated well and respectfully.

SoSadSarah · 26/03/2012 10:30

So sorry FlangelinaBallerina I didn't read the part about his flash car leaving nothing left for clothes? I suspect when a band wagon goes past, you want to be on it.
Hey Netty do you drive his flash car, have one of your own or do you get taxi's/buses? Maybe you could help us stop this guess work and help a few stop leaping to conclusions?
Interesting thread, plenty of support for you leaving!

BsshBossh · 26/03/2012 10:51

Go and see a solicitor regarding practical (financial & legal) steps to leave him and leave NZ. Go back to your own family, take time to settle and re-group, then look for work.

If I earn money it's mine to share with my family. This generally works out as part-paying mortgage and bills and DD's childcare and clothes (DH obviously pays the rest). I save a fair bit (account in my name plus DD's savings account) and spend the rest on me me me.

MissKeithLemon · 26/03/2012 10:57

Hi netty,

whereabouts in NZ are you? I may be able to get details for help if you are around auckland...? How old are your dc's? NZ is not so different to the Uk in terms of legal issues etc, hang in there, and sending hugs x

mathanxiety · 26/03/2012 16:55

Next time a credit card offer lands in your postbox, fill in the application using the family income where it asks for income and get a card for yourself. Use the card to get you and the children tickets home to the UK if needs be.

nickelhasababy · 26/03/2012 17:04

Normal is this:
having a joint account for all money to go into.
or
having a joint account for bills and having personal accounts for all the rest of your earned money
or
earning your own money, and each contributing a fair amount to the household expenditure.
or
one person not earning and all money from the other person being used for the family.

not normal is what you've got -
you earn money because he won't support the whole family and you have to pay all the food bills and all childcare. and he resents paying bills because you're earning. and he won't allow you to spend your own earned money on yourself (even though you are already using your money to finance the family)

Don't leave NZ yet.
leave him and get your own place
and a solicitor
and make sure you get back whatever you've paid into the house.

SoSadSarah · 27/03/2012 09:47

nickelhasababy, the most logic seen yet! I totally agree with the Normal is this options.
Well done for pointing it out, a very astute person who the rest of the thread should pay attention too.
I could not agree with you more.

Can someone show me the part where the dickhead doesn't pay for the family and where the prick makes netty 36 pay for all the food and all childcare?

I am missing this, but what I am seeing is resentment for one person having to contribute to the cost of having a family. Netty 36, do you share the costs or does he pay them?

Get a solicitor if he is taking your money, get out straight after and start again.
If its not shared, its a burden for one and a ride for the other.
If you quit work, would his money stretch for the family and if so, what would be left and how would you share it.

Oh yeh, evening primrose for all those with hormone issues, works great.

mummytime · 27/03/2012 10:25

Sosadsarah : the bit you don't seem to read is this:" he doen't give me a penny...which is why I got a part-time job. I use my money to buy weekly food shops, kids clothes, breaks away and any school costs. If I use my own money to buy myself clothes, for example, he literally goes crazy."

Op get some legal advice on what you can do to get yourself and your DCs back to the UK. I am very worried that he might be trapping you in NZ.
Good luck.

Aggiewithme · 27/03/2012 10:48

Netty 36 looks like you caught a real one.
Stop spending your money, save it and show him how much you would have spent in a month had he had his way.
Nothing hits harder than a purse full of Pounds/Euro's/Dollars wafted gently under his nose.

mummytime it doesn't say all, that's an assumption you all appear to be making. Then again, we read what we want to see, hear only what suits us and say what we want (when not everyone can hear).
Hmm

nickelhasababy you say it as it is and keep it up, the rest take note.

We want equality, we accept it for its highs and lows. Financial equality is a low we have to bear, liberating at times.
I too like shoe's, bags n rags but cant always get what I want as food, bills and rent take some of mine and some of his (albeit a proportionally equal split)!

Now if you choose one word from every line, you can quote something that suits your cause, stokes your fire and enrages the masses.
ENJOY!

PooPooInMyToes · 27/03/2012 11:24

What a twat! Id stop buying him food, soap, using washing powder for his clothes etc. Then once bored with that would divorce him.

Pollykitten · 27/03/2012 11:32

In an ideal world both your incomes are treated as the family 'pot' to be used as needed and equally if you both want your own stuff (e.g. a flash car for him or you) you should be able to do that. He is not behaving like a family man. He is clearly anxious about something, so you need to decide whether you can discuss it and agree a new way forward, or whether it's gone beyond that.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2012 15:36

'I have a part-time teaching job. My husband is very tight and controlling with our finances, and although we have a small mortgage, he doesn't give me a penny...which is why I got a part-time job. I use my money to buy weekly food shops, kids clothes, breaks away and any school costs. If I use my own money to buy myself clothes, for example, he literally goes crazy. I am actually thinking of leaving as he threatening to put the mortgage/ electricity bill in my name so I can pay it, but the bank said he can't do this.'

Just to refresh everyone's memory.

Not only will he not buy food, he wants her to pay for electricity and the mortgage while he pays off a flashy car for himself.
Either he has actually tried to do this or OP has found out that he can't. She has to use her own income for food, and he goes nuts if she buys clothes for herself.
He doesn't give her a penny out of his income but she pays for his food on a part time paycheque.

I think he may actually be insane and quite dangerous.

FanjolinaJolie · 27/03/2012 16:58

The court order can come even after you have left the country.

We knew a couple where the Oz born wife up and left the Uk with the children.

Her husband went to the police as soon as he knew she'd gone.

She was visited by the police in Australia and ended up having to bring the children back to the UK and went before of a judge. The end result was that the judge allowed her to leave the UK with the children and there was a formal contact agreement drawn up as well.