My husband wanting all my salary

[netty36]

I have a part-time teaching job. My husband is very tight and controlling with our finances, and although we have a small mortgage, he doen't give me a penny...which is why I got a part-time job. I use my money to buy weekly food shops, kids clothes, breaks away and any school costs. If I use my own money to buy myself clothes, for example, he literally goes crazy. I am actually thinking of leaving as he threatening to put the mortgage/ electricity bill in my name so I can pay it, but the bank said he can't do this. I am so fed up.

The big mistake in so many marriages is having a joint current account.

I would have a joint account and then one each. I couldn't operate without some money of my own to spend as I see fit. I wouldn't live with someone if I had to ask before I bought shoes and then be told I had to have cheaper ones.

Britannia a joint account is ace as long as you have your own money too and didn't marry an arsewipe

My question to you is why did you marry somone like that

I married somone who is very generous. With money in fact he himself hardly spends any money, but it's not luck finances is somthing amongst other things you sort out before you get married

I don't buy for one minute he was any diffrent before you were married and then changed on wedding night

And as for he wont let you keep the money unless he is physically making you hand it over just tell him NO what the fuck can he do

Yeah that's right Mrbojangles it's entirely her fault . I take it you've never been in an abusive relationship?

So he's entitled to a flash car and you aren't 'allowed' to buy yourself a coat?

Mathanxiety has it exactly right.
She's written exactly what happens here and has for the day we got married. Although back then there was more checking of each others spending because we were skint students and anything more than a sandwich was large expenditure.

Marriage is about partnership and trust and your DH is showing neither of those.
Moreover bringing up children should be a joint enterprise and it appears your being expected to make all the sacrifices there too.

This simply isn't going to get any better OP.

Before you decide to leave him, you need to assess whether this is an issue of inherent abusive control, or a lack of organisation/communication/compassion. Have you considered a joint account that you pay equal proportions of salary into for joint expenses (food, bills, house, anything for kids) and keeping the remainder to spend as you see fit (ie his cock extension car)? If he doesn't have enough left over, perhaps he can't afford the car? I'm sure you will manage to buy a few clothes etc with what you have left because you can adjust your spending to fit the remainder...

DH and I went through an awful period over finances simply because there wasn't enough to go around and we blamed each other. But it wasn't anyone's sole fault, there just wasn't enough. We had financial counselling and have come through it as a team who now trust each other that we have the same goals. The problem was, our goals were not the same, so we both felt sabotaged and controlled by the other. Throw some kids in the mix and it was scary times! I'm so glad we had a third party sit down with us and help us find some common goals for our money - we were pulling in opposite directions even though we loved each other very much.

Bojangles - that's a very unhelpful post. You aren't the h in the case are you?

OP - there's lots of 'normal' for finances in a relationship. Dh and I have our own accounts and our own money. He earns a lot more than me and pays a much bigger share in to the joint account which mortgage and most bills come out of. I pay some in to that too. Food is fairly evenly split and I buy most gifts, clothes for the kids. We each pay for our own clothes and manage our own credit card etc. A new car etc would be discussed. If I spent all my months money on one pair of shoes dh would be upset. As I would be if the mortgage didn't get paid because he bought a new laptop. Other than that extreme example which obviously has never happened, we paddle our own canoes in the same direction

I hope you can get through this but I think he is unlikely to change because he sees nothing wrong in his attitude to you. Find out how you can get out and then do so. Good Luck.

Hi netty36, I agree you need to get advice asap so you know what your options are before you make any big decisions.

The community law centres here in NZ are great for free or low cost advice and the family courts offer (at the moment anyway - Nats are threatening to cut it) free counselling for any parents who are separating. Re child support payments - check out the ird.govt.nz calculator to work out what you might be entitled to.

If you do want to go back to the UK with the children then you will either need your H's consent or a court order - if you go without these then your children could be extradited back to NZ. It isn't straightforward to get a court order - shared care is the presumed norm here - but if there is unreasonable behaviour (financial in your case), family back in the UK willing to support you, and the fact that you are from the UK etc then you may find it easier to persuade a court to let you go. Get some legal advice asap so you at least know where you stand.

In the meantime, try and find out what assets and income your H has and, if you possibly can, start to save up a nest egg for yourself.

Leave him ,why would you be with a tosser like him?

Have you actually told him you are unhappy with this arrangement and that you would prefer a different arrangement?

What many couples happy with their financial arrangements seem to do is:

1. Have an Excel spreadsheet or similar with different (agreed) budget categories for all main expenditure, and also socialising, gifts and so on.
2. Pay bills by direct debit centrally from a joint account.
3. From sole accounts, which receive each person's salary, pay into the joint account a proportion of their take home pay, agreed in advance.
4. Use remaining money to cover the things on the rest of the spreadsheet depending who is best placed to buy them (eg mums often tend to buy the kids' clothes, for example). This could come from joint or sole account, but it should all correspond to the spreadsheet.
5. Reconcile family accounts monthly.
6. Anything left over in sole accounts in private money unless there's an emergency or someone feels inclined to be generous.

Also your name is on the deeds to the house, I presume? And you are legally married?

Boffinmum - dh has a spreadsheet for his expenditure and the household stuff that comes out of his money. I just keep a tally in my head and check my balance regularly. If I made him do that he would disintegrate, if he made me excel everything I would leave him. Compromise is everything

Srry Op that in my last post is a bit lighthearted for this thread. My point is though that there are LOTS of ways to do this issue 'fairly'. The way your h is managing it is NOT one of them.

I absolutely could NOT live with a man like this. Not in a million years. I don't understand how people even end up married to men like this in the first place quite honestly.

Something in your opening post makes me wonder what has happened or what is going on? It sounds like his need to control is verging on the panic.

Do you have debts (beyond the mortgage) or could he have run up debts without you knowing?

What he is doing is completely not normal, and OP must protect herself, but i think there are efforts at conversations/uncovering the truth to be done first, before she rushes into something that will turn the world upside down again.

This makes me so angry.
How is it ok for him to be paying off a sports car which I'm assuming is not a family car and then having the gall to make you hand over your money to him and begrudging you spending on normal every day stuff?
How much money does he have left over to spend on himself?
This is not normal behaviour and he sounds like a nasty,immature, selfish man.

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence. Contact NZ women's aid.

Indeed, NL!

We are a bit managerial in our personal approach - cashbooks and everything. Even worse than just Excel!

netty, what are you teaching in NZ?

Netty, see that lawyer. Ask what will happen if you divorce in NZ and he wants to stay there. Are any of you dual citizens or were any of the kids born there? Are you out there for a fixed term contract?

What is it with people saying things like 'You shouldn't have married him; he must have been like this before...'?

People can and do change. Abusers quite frequently 'build up' to abusive behaviour. If this was domestic violence, rather than financial abuse, would those posters be asking the same question, or making the same unhelpful observation? Couples can be together for years before the abuser starts his or her behaviour. I was married for eight years when my previously kind and placid husband decided one day to knock seven shades of shit out of me. The financial abuse had started about a year earlier, when my situation changed from main breadwinner to SAHM. Over the next year he got progressively more controlling until I found myself with no money to call my own and having to account for every penny of the inadequate money he so generously handed over to me to buy food with.

Netty, your situation is not 'normal' or 'acceptable'. I don't know if your husband is a New Zealander or not - obviously this may affect your options - but arm yourself with as much information as possible and start preparing to leave the bastard.

in our house we share everything. joint account. we both have hobbies that bring in a little and sometimes i'll pay for a holiday out of my hobby and dh will contribute to the next holiday. we talk about all our expenses and work out budgets together. it works.

this concept of my money and yours doesn't work in a marriage.

good luck. sounds like he doesn't contribute very much and you'd be better off on your own anyway, with your family around for support. what does he actually bring to the table? love and respect?