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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband wanting all my salary

103 replies

netty36 · 24/03/2012 23:15

I have a part-time teaching job. My husband is very tight and controlling with our finances, and although we have a small mortgage, he doen't give me a penny...which is why I got a part-time job. I use my money to buy weekly food shops, kids clothes, breaks away and any school costs. If I use my own money to buy myself clothes, for example, he literally goes crazy. I am actually thinking of leaving as he threatening to put the mortgage/ electricity bill in my name so I can pay it, but the bank said he can't do this. I am so fed up.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 24/03/2012 23:46

If you have a job in NZ, then I would recommend that you stay there, at least for now, rather than rush back here and have no means of supporting yourself.

Agree that you should leave him - he isn't contributing anything positive to your life. You are in a good position, in that you are working already. You can always come back to the UK later, when you've found a job. I wouldn't come back without one tbh.

CatitaInaHatita · 24/03/2012 23:48

It is not usual nor normal for anyone to administer their finances in such as a way as to force their partner into a part-time job just so they can eat. It is not normal nor usual for any partner to flip out just because one of them has spent some money on something else other than the bills (unless, perhaps they have both agreed not to).

Your DH is being abusive: he is trying to control you via his control of money. He is unlikely to change, rather get worse as time goes on. If you can, I do feel it would be better for you to leave now while you still have the energy and not wait until he has exhaustedyou with his controlling behaviour. He's already making you doubt yourself, else you wouldn't need to ask MN if he was being unreasonable.

He is being very unreasonable. Don't doubt your instinct on this.

nobutyeahbut · 24/03/2012 23:49

Am sure your dc's would just want a happy mummy - no matter where in the world that is.

Can you stay with the family you have here, would they be able to help you until you have a job here.

Can you talk to him about this, how does he react when you do?

EnjoyResponsibly · 24/03/2012 23:53

Well, my husband and I have a joint account into which his salary (v good) and mine (shocking) both go.

The difference is we dont play dibs with the money. If one of us wants something we get it if it's a sum within reason or we make a joint decision.

It's all about the trust, fairness, openness, give and takiness that a marriage is supposed to have.

Your DH isn't getting that at all is he? Can he change and if not how much do you want that to continue are the remaining questions.

EnjoyResponsibly · 24/03/2012 23:55

A further question would be where has the punctuation gone in your post Enjoy?

topshelfrita · 25/03/2012 00:38

Your husband has a very serious problem and it's only going to get worse, you know that. I've had friends married to pathologically mean men -- soul destroying. It's all about control, over you and the whole family.

CreepyWeeBrackets · 25/03/2012 00:52

Your husband is a twat.

I've been posting on MN for five years and have lurked for longer and it is really depressing me that I am seeing more and more of these sort of threads as the years go by. Lots of them during this week alone.

Is it that women are becoming more aware of financial abuse and are more able to talk about it and receive validation; or are these terrible attitudes on the increase given the pressures of living on this day and age, with a government which is actively imposing cuts which affect women much more than they affect men?

Hope you get the advice and support you need, OP.

carernotasaint · 25/03/2012 02:16

Creepy wee Brackets i think its both to be honest. Ive seen loads of threads like these as well both on here and on mse.
I will never forget one i saw on mse 2 years ago. The woman posted about the fact that she only had one pair of shoes which was full of holes. And was still wearing her maternity bra even though her youngest was nearly three.
I basically told her that if her dh felt no shame about what he was doing then he wouldnt mind her paying a surprise visit to his workplace in said holey shoes.
Some idiot on the same thread told her to get a job. Because of course the interviewer for said job would be really impressed with her turning up in holey shoes natch!

Tortington · 25/03/2012 02:18

we both work

the bills get paid

there is disposible income

this is distributed evenly

if dh runs out of money - i know its bevcuase hes been getting food or petrol - rather than socialising or buying himself stuff - he doesn't do that.

zeropinterest · 25/03/2012 02:41

What's reasonable in a relationship that's produced three children is this: all the money is OUR money, we don't question each other's routine expenditures (clothes, food, school fees, bills, mortgage payments), we discuss and mutally agree larger spends (a new computer, a flash car), we have a budget that we've worked out together.

Some people keep separate accounts, some joint, but basically you should respect each other's financial independence and decision-making.

Obviously you should leave the bastard. And don't give him a penny of your damn money. But see a lawyer in NZ first. You can't necessarily fly out of the country with the children without his knowledge and permission.

mockingjay · 25/03/2012 03:12

YANBU. How old are your DC?

mathanxiety · 25/03/2012 04:01

What most people do is they have a joint account and put their salaries into that. They invest in a savings account of some sort too. They each get to keep an agreed amount of personal spending money in a personal account each, because grown ups need walking around money and to buy their own clothes, shoes, makeup, pay for hobbies, etc. They pay for groceries and all family related bills from the joint account. Large expenditures (over £500 for instance) are discussed together, and credit cards are not opened without discussion and mutual consent.

'Your husband has a very serious problem and it's only going to get worse, you know that. I've had friends married to pathologically mean men -- soul destroying. It's all about control, over you and the whole family.'

This is absolutely true. You need to start planning to leave and take your children back to the UK. Get legal advice and give your family a heads up. What you are experiencing is abuse.

Do you have any money at all? Does your family have enough to help you? You will need some way to get out of there.

You need to get advice about getting back to the UK. Your H will have to support you and the DCs if you divorce.

thecook · 25/03/2012 04:30

Hi there love. I cannot give any good advice cos I have never been in your situation. However your DP sounds like an absolute cunt. He complains if you buy clothes? Sorry I would tell him to go fuck himself. You buy the food and the kids clothes. You work part time so I assume the rest of the time you maintain the house/clean/cook/childcare so he can go out to work. And he begrudges you spending money on an outfit. Fuck that love. Tight fucking cunt

Original poster
netty36 · 25/03/2012 04:45

This is my first time on this web page...I joined as I was feeling very low. I am actually seeing the light after reading all your posts. It is amazing how quickly you can start losing perspective on a situation and doubting your own instincts. I will look for a job in the UK as don't want to go back to nothing, but in the meantime will see a solicitor here. I think his mean, stingy attitude, coupled with his greed will only get worse. Thanks!

OP posts:
thecook · 25/03/2012 04:57

netty36 I am here for you love. I am in the UK. Just come off the nightshift. Personal message me if you want.

blowcushion · 25/03/2012 05:13

netty36 But you must have once loved him and treasured him? You went to NZ! Do you think that there is an OW?

It is so sad when people break up, especially when they have children.

Best wishes

Kayano · 25/03/2012 05:18

Blow

It can be much worse when people stay in shit relationships ESP where children are involved.

This is financial abuse

Why do women put up with this utter shit?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2012 05:24

I second, third and fourth the pleas to see a lawyer. Is is a Kiwi? Are the children Kiwi, British or joint? These things can get very complicated. Essentially, if you are looking to take the DCs back to the UK, and he wishes to stay in NZ it will be difficult. I don't know about NZ but I live in Canada with DH and DD and I have seen it happen here where a mother went 'home' and was extradited back to Canada with the kids. I have also seen where the 'D'H forced the family to stay in Canada for the duration because you have to prove that moving would be better for the children. Really hard to prove that to the Courts in the country you are in.

AmberNectarine · 25/03/2012 08:03

blowcushion are you for real? You think it's better for her children to grow up with the example of a controlling father and an isolated and unhappy mother?

Hoebag · 25/03/2012 08:31

This sounds like an abusive relationship,

when he leaves you without money for the kids he is neglecting the children too.

I would seriously consider leaving this is no way too live.

Hoebag · 25/03/2012 08:32

Blowcushion, do you want her children to grow up seeing thier mother abused? do you have any idea how much that warps kids.

FlangelinaBallerina · 25/03/2012 09:29

Netty in response to your question about what's normal and reasonable, your situation is neither.

There are some couples where money is so tight that there's literally no spare money after essentials. If so, it wouldn't be reasonable for either partner to have anything for themself, because money for personal spending would be money out of eg the food bill, DCs school uniform fund etc. But that doesn't sound like your situation. And even when finances are so tight, that isn't an excuse to treat one's partner like shit over it.

Your situation before you got your job was also odd. Again there are some couples where one partner totally manages the finances, and this isn't necessarily abusive. My PILs do this, just because MIL is better at it and they prefer it that way. If there's no spare money over for personal expenditure, then I can see how the partner who doesn't do the finances doesn't get anything- as long as the finance manager doesn't either. But again this isn't your situation, not when a flash car is being paid for. There are lots of red flags here. I'm so glad you have a job now.

Mummy2FE · 25/03/2012 09:33

He is not tight- that would be to minimise his behaviour which is quite clearly a form of abuse by using money to deprive and control you. Living away from your support network in the Uk is another means by which he is achieving this- you have already said in your Op that you feel a bit concerned about having no family in NZ and of course you won't be aware of the legal processes/ your rights over there.

Are there any other behaviours he demonstrates which make you feel unhappy?

I would certainly seek some advice legally. Even if you choose not to take action right now, it is important to have the information because it gives you options.

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 25/03/2012 09:34

Sweetheart, this is financial abuse. :( It is also child neglect.

You will be so much happier without him and your children will be happier. Please visit CAB and get help finding a lawyer. From a purely financial perspective, you are better off getting a court order in NZ for child maintenance before returning to the UK. The UK is useless at going after non-paying parents unless there is already a court order in place.

There are lots of MNers on here who are from NZ and will be able to give you better practical advice on how things work there but you will not be able to remove the kids from NZ without the father's permission so you need to start looking into the specific legal situation now.

Even if the rest of us can't offer practical advice, we will always be here to listen and offer moral support.

DonInKillerHeels · 25/03/2012 09:38

"but is ir unreasonable to keep some of my salary for myself?"

No, not remotely unreasonable. We have separate bank accounts and share all bills (as we earn virtually the same amount), but what's left over after food, children's clothes, etc. is our own to spend.

That's normal.

FWIW we don't have a joint bank account.