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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I BU about this money?

90 replies

Bellstar · 23/03/2012 22:29

I have posted before over problems with dh-brief summary is I am sahm-he works long hours-pays all bills/food etc, We dont have a joint account and the only money I have is the cb. If it runs out before end of month I have to ask for money and I gt £20 MAX.

Dh let slip that he had put in a successful claim for ppi-didnt want me to know I dont think but anyway he got a cheque today for £3000.

I told him I knew and that I wasnt happy he had tried to keep it from me. He brushed me off and TOLD me he would be using cash to pay off credit card.

AIBU to think I should have some say in what we do with this money? or even to expect that I may get some of it?? it is coming up to the easter holidays and I will be expected to entertain 3 dcs on little or no cash.

AIBU??

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 23/03/2012 22:31

I think your financial problems run deeper than a secret PPI claim or him telling you that the money will pay off a debt.

skybluepearl · 23/03/2012 22:32

what you are describing is a form of financial abuse. He is controling you through money.

eurochick · 23/03/2012 22:32

That entire money situation sounds entirely fucked up to me.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 22:32

What skybluepearl said

WipsGlitter · 23/03/2012 22:33

Well if you have £3k on a card and are just chipping away atvtgat debt then it is better to get it paid off.

But it sounds as if you have some bigger issues.

undercoverPrincess · 23/03/2012 22:34

Huh? How do you do that does he pay for the food???

Hassled · 23/03/2012 22:35

Work out the cost of childcare for your DCs during the hours he works and present it to him in invoice form.

He sounds like a prick. Any redeeming features?

JustHecate · 23/03/2012 22:36

I agree with Fliss.

It really isn't on that you have to go cap in hand. I assume the two of you agreed that you would be a SAHM taking care of that side of things while he took paid employment? Both are equally valuable and the fact you don't earn the money doesn't mean you shouldn't have access to it! What if you said that this is unacceptable to you, and you will be looking for paid employment in order to have access to money?

Someone who is so stingy with their own wife is a real catch. Whatever happened to 'what's mine is yours'?

AwkwardMary · 23/03/2012 22:36

It is VERY wrong that he is keeping you short of cash....you need some money for yourself and to get to activities etc within reason. When I was in this position we had not a large income from DH alone but he would never have left me with no cash.

You badly need to sort this out...it''s just not on! Have you asked him for more? You need to tell him you want a detailed breakdown of income and expenditure...then you will know what is left over...is he saving up without telling you? Do you know where his accounts are?

JustHecate · 23/03/2012 22:37

Xpost with everyone. I agree with them all!

Bohica · 23/03/2012 22:38

I have 3 children so I know the CB is around £188 a month.

Does you DH pay for everything apart from treats, does he pay for after school activities (if the DC do any extra activities) food, clothes and all other bills?

undercoverPrincess · 23/03/2012 22:39

What happens if you need money to buy girly things or to do something like get a new tyre ? Do you do the shopping? I refuse to even have a joint bank account as I can't stand having to account for every penny (although I am careful and could if I needed to).

Primafacie · 23/03/2012 22:44

Payin off credit card debt should be your absolute priority, well above entertainment over Easter.

That said, you clearly have issues as a couple. The whole money subservience thing is fucked up.

PorridgeBrain · 24/03/2012 06:39

Totally agree with Primafacie

Credit card debt needs to be the absolute priority. Are you aware of that credit card debt, do you know how much it is? If you don't already know, I would be wanting to know every last detail of your finances and agree together how you spend YOUR money.

You need a plan you are both happy with, not him dictating to you.

troisgarcons · 24/03/2012 06:44

I had a friend like this.

He paid for everything - and she got CHB (2 Children) - out of that she had to pay for: all childrens clothes, including uniform and shoes, all christmas and birthday presents for everyone (including large extended family). He kept a running tab over the years over how much he'd 'lent' her - mentioned she owed him £600 one day and that was enough to tip her over the edge into a full on break down. She topped it up with a bit of illegal childminding for friends in the holidays.

He, would have been under my patio long before it ever reached that stage.

Still together, but she is a shadow of the vivarious young thing he married - he sucked the life out of her.

KateSpade · 24/03/2012 07:02

I'm so sorry that's happening to you, I have no sensible advice,
Ahem......leave the bastard?
No, seriously now, I agree with the others it's financial abuse, he's some kind of control freak & he dosnt respect you or your needs!

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 07:23

I'm going to jump in and be devils advocate here.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the bills, he buys the food. He sounds like he's taking care of his family and you. It sounds to me that he is keeping you in a pretty comfortable lifestyle.

I know how soul destroying not having any money to live on is but tbh not having any money to live on and then having to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills is worse. If think it's bad now try leaving him and doing it on your own, I think not.

Find a flexible childminder and get a part-time job. Start making your own money and seriously get some of your self respect back.

DPrince · 24/03/2012 07:27

Is he actually going to pay off the card? If he is yabu (in regards to that). Clearing debt should be the priority, in regards to him hiding it - he is controlling you and should have mentioned it and his plans for it. Being a sahm is a job. Your both working for your family. You shouldn't have to beg for money.

Jinsei · 24/03/2012 07:44

Actually, I agree that in your situation, if you plan to stay with your DH (and I think you should seriously consider if you would be happier with or without him), then you need to start looking for a job. I don't think your DH is going to change, and you should not have to live like this.

FWIW, I think paying off credit card debt should be the absolute priority, but yanbu to at least want a discussion about the money and how it is used.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 24/03/2012 08:24

Paying off a credit card debt is ok, deciding to pay off cerit card without any consultation or consideration of the opinions of the other adult in the relationship is not really ok.
Paying all bills food etc out of his wage is ok, treating it as his money and making you ask for money is not ok.
Claiming back ppi is a good thing, keeping it secret so you have no say I how it is spent is not ok.
It doesnt matter that you don't earn a wage, by caring for his children you are facilitating him earning a wage and providing a valuable contribution to your household income.
Is he controlling/secretive in other areas or just with money?

notmyproblem · 24/03/2012 09:05

Misspedantic are you the OP's husband? Trying to justify keeping her in financial straits? Scaremongering her into staying with you by exaggerating how hard life would be without you? Sounds to me like life is pretty unlivable WITH the guy and might be a good deal less stressful without him. Freedom and not being dependent on some financial control freak is priceless.

OP, you're in a relationship as equals, you should not feel like you're doing your DH a favour by looking after his children while he has an iron fist control over all the money because he earns a wage.

Agree with everything roger said.

DPrince · 24/03/2012 09:10

Misspedantic - that's exactly how abuse works. 'You think life is bad with me, it will be worse without' is an abuser mentality.

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 09:23

It would be. If he gives her no money now, do you think he will when they are living under a different roof. If she loves this guy then she has to accept that he is tight with his money. Get a job, demand a bank card but don't moan about it as if she is living in complete poverty... She picked him, not me.

duckdodgers · 24/03/2012 09:25

Whilst it is right that physical and emotional abuse are highly recognised it can be forgotten that financial abuse exists to, and is a form of domestic abuse. Like physical and emotional its all about control, and controlling their partner. Nothing justifies it, and OP you have to recognise this is what is going on here. I have known (through my work) of people like yourself who at the end of the day put up with all sorts by saying "well at least he doesn't hit me".

misspedantic your post is so shortsighted and unhelpful to victims of domestic abuse. I remember 1 woman who on paper looked relatively well off - nice house, clothes, nice car etc. What people didn't know was that her DH controlled her using money. He sent her to the shops with exact lists and exact money and could make her life hell if she came back with the wrong things or for example something had went up in price and she couldn't afford it. He also took note of the miles on her car and monitored her every journey in this fancy car that neighbours envied - he knew the exact mileage to the supermarket and again if she deviated from this would use it as an opportunity to abuse her.

You might think this is an extreme example but its not. I know of a woman forced to use toilet paper when she is having her period some months because her DH wont give her money for tampons. And women who dont work for whatever reason, such as being a SAHM are particularly vulnerable to this. Its not right.

It might not be as bad as this for you OP but its worrying when I read that you are are already worrying about entertaining 3 children in the holidays because of lack of money - these children are your DHs to. Im hoping you will be able to sit down and have a proper discussion regarding your finances now.

birthdaygurl · 24/03/2012 09:36

I have never got the seperate money thing in a realtionship. To me it is wrong, wrong, wrong. We have joint bank account and I take whatever I want need.

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