Am I BU about this money?

[Bellstar]

I have posted before over problems with dh-brief summary is I am sahm-he works long hours-pays all bills/food etc, We dont have a joint account and the only money I have is the cb. If it runs out before end of month I have to ask for money and I gt £20 MAX.

Dh let slip that he had put in a successful claim for ppi-didnt want me to know I dont think but anyway he got a cheque today for £3000.

I told him I knew and that I wasnt happy he had tried to keep it from me. He brushed me off and TOLD me he would be using cash to pay off credit card.

AIBU to think I should have some say in what we do with this money? or even to expect that I may get some of it?? it is coming up to the easter holidays and I will be expected to entertain 3 dcs on little or no cash.

AIBU??

*Staying with him

Why do you assume the credit card is her debt, not his? He's the one in control of all the money. Since he's so controlling about finances and regards everything as 'his' money, it's far more likely that they are his debts.

so he's paying off his debt with his money... problem solved

OP YABU as edam put it his debt... his money!

I don't get these threads at all. My dh and I are equal partners in this marriage. He works full time and I look after our kids and work part time. All the money goes in one pot and we both decide how money is spent. We both help ourselves to what we need to buy food, clothes etc. I don't understand how it can be fair or reasonable when one partner is controlling all the finances and dictating what's what to the other. I cannot see why anyone would put up being treated that way.

devils advocate here snow.

But what if your dh started dipping in more than you and leaving you with a smaller amount.

If you are both equal in your spending it is fine but if one is more of a spendthift than the other that it when the problems happen.

eg [sil and bro in law]

She at one end of town buying clothes homeware etc and he at the other end putting the car through the garage for four new tyes..... result overdrawn.

Some couples find it easier to have separate money I know we do its not a crime.

Bit of a ramble there sorry

We don't know the whole story here. OP, I'm talking hypothetically here, not casting aspersions on you, ok?

What if someone posted something similar to the OP and we all felt like it was an abusive relationship etc. Then we found out that she was a compulsive shopper or compulsive gambler and that the DH was just trying to make sure that they didn't go into the poor house. Would we all be "leave the bastard!!" then?

What does he pay for, if he pays for all necessities and she has 188 quid a month for 'fun' I really don't think it is necessarily a problem, I'd like 188 pounds a month purely for frivolous stuff. If he pays for little except the bills and a bunch of basics come out of that then yes, that could be a big problem.

I think that even before getting a job, leaving the DH or anything else we should ask if she is otherwise happy in her marriage. If the answer is a resounding "YES" or even a "yes" then I would think the best thing would be for her to have a good sit down and chat with DH or even with a counsellor to try and fix the problem. The problem might be solved by her getting a job, or it might not but then she will have a job if she decides that things are not working out.

iamme, yep I take your point. But, again, as long as you agree on what you're both spending, and on how much is put into each account then it doesn't matter if the money is separate. My point was, its the whole idea of one controlling the finances and the other doing at they're told that I find unacceptable and I don't understand why anyone would put up with that.

snow............... agree with you

I think you need to chat to your DH and go through all your finances so you're totally in the picture. Obviously if he's happy to do that then you'll get your answers, if he's not, then I'd ask why?

I do the budgeting in our house but we have a joint account and DH has his own cash card, as do I. DH isn't interested in the finer details, I just say if we need to rein it in a bit. But we both know our financial position and we both know what our financial goal is. I think that's the key.

I have rarely read a bigger pile of utter balls than misspedantic's posts on this thread.

I see you are married Bellstar - don't most marriage ceremonies include a vow about sharing all worldly goods?

I agree that there is too much OP has not mentioned. If she doesn't know about her family's finances is this because DH is deliberately keeping info from her, or because she's never bothered to find out (there is lots DH doesn't know about our family's budget because he's happy to leave it to me to sort out, but I'd be very happy to tell him details if he asked). One is a problem; the other is not.

The other important points are what the CB is meant to cover - if it's just odds and end for the DC and herself it would probably normally be plenty. Also how much disposable income do they as a family have after bills? If they only have £200 (inclusive of the CB) then there isn't any more money for her to have ... it's not about her DH being stingy or controlling, just that there is no money to have.

The devil (or not :) ) is in the details ...

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to want to take her DCs out over the easter holidays. It's not like she wants to spend money on herself, it's for the DC's benefit.

Devil's advocate. It is something to bear in mind when you are flinging the career towel in to become a SAHP. Financial independence, once given up, is hard to get back.

bibbityisaporker what is utter rubbish is someone not getting the full story and dictating that she should leave her husband.

I am the only one on this post that is going through all possibilities. Everyone else is seeing red and TELLING her to leave her husband.

I'm sorry bibbityisaporker do you know something we all don't know or are you just a man hater?

"I am the only one on this post that is going through all possibilities. Everyone else is seeing red and TELLING her to leave her husband."

Can you read?