Am I BU about this money?

[Bellstar]

I have posted before over problems with dh-brief summary is I am sahm-he works long hours-pays all bills/food etc, We dont have a joint account and the only money I have is the cb. If it runs out before end of month I have to ask for money and I gt £20 MAX.

Dh let slip that he had put in a successful claim for ppi-didnt want me to know I dont think but anyway he got a cheque today for £3000.

I told him I knew and that I wasnt happy he had tried to keep it from me. He brushed me off and TOLD me he would be using cash to pay off credit card.

AIBU to think I should have some say in what we do with this money? or even to expect that I may get some of it?? it is coming up to the easter holidays and I will be expected to entertain 3 dcs on little or no cash.

AIBU??

God what a nightmare.

I second everyone who says this is abusive and also don't get separate money in a marriage, especially when one is SAHP.

I too would say get a job - not because you are not doing a valid job looking after the DC but because the balance is all wrong in your specific case.

But obviously the key issue here is your marriage and how your 'd'h treats you.

FGS it's totally irrelevant what CB she gets and what she has to spend it on!

This is about him controlling her and making her tear her hair out over this issue. He is her husband and should care about her and her feelings.

She isn't lucky. She is working as part of a partnership. Being a SAHM doesn't make you lucky that a man will support you. It means, as a couple, you have decided that one should stay home. They money is the family money not the DHs.

Miss pedadtic -Just because you friend is in a shit situation, doesn't make the OP lucky. You make it out as though the OP has an easy life and is lucky to have found a man who is happy to 'keep her'. Not that she is an equal partner

The OP needs to clarify the whole situation, such as how much disposable income the DH gets and what the credit card was spent on.

If she uses her DH's cards for clothes and on line shopping then she has around £50 a week for herself, whether this is enough, depends on their overall income.

The OP could have had debt/over spending problems, for all we know.

Everything should be discussed and open, though. The children should have a couple of days out over Easter, at least.

"I too would say get a job - not because you are not doing a valid job looking after the DC but because the balance is all wrong in your specific case.

But obviously the key issue here is your marriage and how your 'd'h treats you."

Spot on. Get a job and get rid of the guy. It is all wrong in your case.

I don't have enough information to comment in detail. If the couple are on a very very tight budget and have debts to repay it might not be unreasonable. The family pot might have no more in it than the dh is allowing.

From personal experience though, when I gave up work in 1995 when ds was a baby we had a large mortgage which was twice what dh earned that year. For the first couple of years DH paid all the bills, for all the food, and for every other outgoing. I used the child benefit to pay for the children's clothes and was lucky I had a good wardrobe to get me through a couple of years. For little expenses like a birthday card, stamps, a pound here or there, I used to get £5 cash back from the supermarket each week.

But, we were a team and if I told dh I had spent £74.77 +£5 at the supermarket he wrote me a cheque for that amount no questions, no receipt required. Fortunately in those years hair cuts and make-up could come out of my savings and if we had a "do" to go to DH would offer a contribution to a frock if necessary.

Our lives have moved on a long way but for a couple of years I really did stretch the cb and a fiver week a very long way. Party because we are both careful, partly because we trusted each other and partly because my income disappeared for the froth on top. We have never had a joint account, we both still have little pots of money that we keep quiet and but after more than 20 years we know each other pretty well and even the kids joke about which "pot" does what and how much we're keeping under wraps.

In our sort of relationship though, it's helpful to have a little financial independence. Neither of us would have survived with a family pot asking the other if it was alright to spend a tenner here or there.

quote "he is only paying his way which i wish my dds dad would" unquote.
Miss pedantic are you sure you are not projecting here.
It sounds like you are letting your own situation affect your feelings towards what the OP has posted.

no. he is paying his way and no one here is acknowledging that, I just thought I would.

'the dh is allowing' - that's the problem, right there. He should not be 'allowing' anything. He's not the OP's boss (at least she'd be getting paid for her labour if he was). He's the OP's husband. Her equal, not her master. He is treating their money as if it was his alone and that is plain wrong.

Misspedantic has a point.there are two sides to every story, and we only have one of them. For all we know, OP ran up the credit card bill her DH wants to pay off on shoes, and is so crap with money her dh has had to keep control of the finances to prevent them going bankrupt. I doubt that is the situation, but it could be. It's not like OP has been back to the thread to clarify.

I too, would get a paid job. So then the OP would be more independent.
From what I can read the relationship does not sound great though. I think you need to have a good old chat with him because it sounds like you could be both be building some resentment.

ps she is lucky, one of my friends her husband gives 200 a month and she has to pay bills and buy food out of that.

Please misspedantic get off this thread, you are completely idiotic and useless and not helping the OP at all. In fact, your silly views are helping reinforce why the OP might be feeling vulnerable and unsure of herself -- because people like you have made her think she might actually deserve this treatment from her H.

Lucky? Why, because at least her husband isn't hitting her too?

OP, I hope you come back and read the good advice here. What you're experiencing is NOT normal, your H sounds like he is controlling you financially and you deserve better than this as his wife and the mother of his children. Think long and hard about your situation and start making a plan to free yourself from his oppressive thumb.

oh please. Why is everything about leaving your h. I'm just trying to look at both sides. Everyone that has suggested for her to leave her h has not even consider anything other than he is controlling her. What if they are broke... she has no clue what's going on.

op leave your h... and you can tell her to leave her home, go onto the dole and wait years to get any money out of him through the CSA. And before you say I'm not helping again, this is what happens in the real world.

op why not just get a job, have some money that he has no say on what you use it for. It can't be nice for the children to listen to it and I'm sure they don't want mum and dad to divorce... just keeping it real and giving you another POV.

Of course we only know one side. We only know one side an all threads, because. They is only one per posting. Going on the info given ie 'having to ask for money' the H hiding money. Its not right. Has it even occurred to you that its not just as easy as 'get a job'. Do you realise that some relationships are that bad its actually BETTER to be a single parent, that some people are happier single that in a bad relationship. Sounds to me like your just annoyed at your own situation, so feel (despite the clear unhappiness of the OP) she should think she is lucky because you don't get any help.

I would say the sentences 'dh let slip' and 'didn't want me to know' suggests he was hiding it. Maybe its me, I would expect dh to at least mention it. Even if immediately followed by 'I am going to pay off a credit card'.

Ok, I get £160 a month out of dps wages. Everything else goes on bills and food. I get nothing extra. But that's what's left after the bills are paid and I can blow it on anything I like! Just because I get £160 doesn't mean I'm being controlled, in fact I'm far from controlled as I get dla, ca, ctc and cb paid into my account and pay loads of bills myself. The op hasn't been back to say what the cb is for, could be like my £160, and it's for whatever!

Op where are you?! Shopping?

Warren - bad form to cut and paste OP's posts from another thread. We could all go hunting around looking for evidence of hypocrisy or counter argument but that would mean we all have too much time on our hands would be unfair.

Saying that, you do have a point that we don't really know the other side to this. If OP has been irresponsible with money, he might well be taking hold of the financial reigns.

But overall, for me, alarm bells ring when a man considers that the money he earns is his money. It is not. It is theirs.

I've said this so many times but here goes: I am the main earner in my family by a long shot - dh is SAHD but has PT business from home. The money I make is ours. I never consider it mine, I would never withhold earnings. The money goes into a joint account. I just don't get having separate money especially when you have children.

edamSat 24-Mar-12 21:04:20
"'the dh is allowing' - that's the problem, right there. He should not be 'allowing' anything. He's not the OP's boss (at least she'd be getting paid for her labour if he was). He's the OP's husband. Her equal, not her master. He is treating their money as if it was his alone and that is plain wrong."

Agree. If op is an actual grown-up woman then she should be aware of the whole financial picture. Pocket money is for children. (particular bugbear of mine!)

Op please come back and give us more info. Do you have any history of overspending or running up debt? If so, then I can see why you would need to have limited access to funds but then you would know this about yourself and make whatever arrangements with your husband that suited your situation. If not, then finances should be joint and an open book to both of you.

I was a sahm for about 10 yrs but I had access to my husbands wages and a credit card. My own pride would stop me from acting irresponsibly.
I now work about 20hrs a week but I transfer my wage into the joint a/c or loan. If I expect to share my DH wage (and I most certainly do!) then my own wage should also go into the "pot".

I used to be a bank teller many yrs ago and it was so sad to see recent widows come in who had no idea of their situation, no idea of how to write a cheque or make a withdrawal. I always make sure That we do our taxes at the accountant together so that I am fully aware of all our finances - even though it is sooo boring that I would rather iron a year worth of shirts instead.

The money he earns is theirs... he pays for everything. She has money and she hasn't said what she spends it on.
Hisnameisnotwarren tried to get a better view of what's going on because everyone was jumping on the h and calling him a b.

And yes I am using my situation to tell her that leaving her h would leave her worse off than staying with her, but I'm also giving her constructive advice on how she could remedy the situation before it came to the point where she would be a single parent.

I'm not surprised he "hid" the money from her because he wanted to pay off a credit card, it was never going to be their money. Maybe he knew he would get grief and constant nagging if he had told her about it. Anyone with 3,000 owing on a cc can't be living within their means. Are there more cc... you just don't know. I would of had more sympathy if she had said he was buying something for himself out of it, but no he paid their debt off... what a horrible man hey!