Am I BU about this money?

[Bellstar]

I have posted before over problems with dh-brief summary is I am sahm-he works long hours-pays all bills/food etc, We dont have a joint account and the only money I have is the cb. If it runs out before end of month I have to ask for money and I gt £20 MAX.

Dh let slip that he had put in a successful claim for ppi-didnt want me to know I dont think but anyway he got a cheque today for £3000.

I told him I knew and that I wasnt happy he had tried to keep it from me. He brushed me off and TOLD me he would be using cash to pay off credit card.

AIBU to think I should have some say in what we do with this money? or even to expect that I may get some of it?? it is coming up to the easter holidays and I will be expected to entertain 3 dcs on little or no cash.

AIBU??

What's not helpful is everyone telling the OP that she's a victim. I know lost of mothers that work for their money. She would be one of the lucky ones that wouldn't have to pay half the mortgage (which some of my friends do).

Does she even know that he has money to give her, she didn't even know about the credit card bill. Does she know how much he earns, how much bills are... does she know anything? wow I would love to not worry about where the next meal is coming from.

The fact that he wants to pay of a credit card isn't a problem, that's probably the most sensible thing to do. The fact that he wasn't going to tell you is the problem.

I think all this talk of abuse is a bit extreme based on the very short OP.

I agree with what undercoverprincess said.
OP - are you not a partnership, do you not both sit down and discuss money, budgets etc?.
The current situation to my mind is not right, I think you need to gain a little self respect and start standing up to him.
I personally would not be impressed if DH come into £3k without telling me anything beforehand and trying to not let me know afterwards.

You are a partnership. A team.

The only fair thing to do is this:

One joint account, into which goes enough money to pay for all rent/bills/food/child-related costs/any other joint costs (you agree how much needs to go in here and both have access).

Two separate accounts into which the remainder is split evenly (you only have access to your own and can't criticise how the other person spends theirs, be it in haircuts or on x-box games).

You are both doing valuable work to make the household run. You both deserve the same amount of spending money.

My dad was like this- it was all 'his' money, my mum had to pay for everything out of CB. Never allowed to buy herself new clothes. He was a controlling bastard- when she finally kicked him out he took all the furniture and the tv with him to his new one-bed flat. Because 'he paid for them'. Left his kids to sit on the floor!

Don't let yourself be treated like this, demand a joint account or get rid.

When people get divorced, the starting point for division of assets is 50:50. What's his is yours and what's yours is his - tell him where to get off, OP.

Get a job? Much better to be in work if you decide to split up too. If you want financial ownership it seems this is the only way but if he pays everything what do you actually need cash for?

day to day living expenses, redhelen. All the stuff you have to pay for that isn't household bills.

Do you really think it's OK that her dh obviously has a decent amount of money but leaves his wife and children to survive on child benefit alone? Do you think they should spend the Easter holidays sitting indoors because he's too tight and controlling to share the household income so his children can have a day out?

I doubt Mr Controlling Bastard would cough up for the fares/petrol to get to job interviews, or work clothes to attend interviews.

Why do people put up with this shit

He is a dick

Firstly edam she doesn't know if he's got money to spare because she doesn't even know what bills need to be paid.

Secondly lots of people have to spend Easter doing free stuff... why doesn't she pack some of the free food in the fridge and take the children on a picnic.

Lastly they don't do an equal job. He works long hours, pays the mortgage pays the bills, buys food and no doubt paid the PPI on the loan that she knew nothing about for which he got that cheque. Essentially what she is asking for is more pocket money... have women not come further in the last 50yrs than to have to ask their husbands for money to buy tampons?

Seriously GET A JOB and start making your own money and after he's paid the mortgage, bills, bought all the food tell him where he can stick his money.

Do you think it's necessarily going to be all that easy to get a job, misspedantic? And what if her husband then decrees that as it's her choice, she will have to pay for childcare from her earnings?

This is controlling behaviour, and I bet the money issue is not the only controlling behaviour the OP partner uses.

My DH family was like this, mum never even allowed in a shop on her own, and she had to pay her wage into dads bank account. He was very controlling in all aspects of their lives, the children's too. His mum was constantly obsessing about how to hide money (so she could do things like buy a magazine on the way to work). She was not "allowed" to use make-up or have friends outside work and was only allowed to buy clothes (frumpy), with his approval, and beg for the money (her own money!). DH mum was in a very well paid professional job, and I suppose to the casual acquaintance, were a happy and successful family. DH greatly upset to see decades of this treatment going on.

When we decided that I should be a SAHP (many reasons, best choice for us), he was determined I would not be in the position his mum had been in, so wage into joint account (pays all bills, household expenses, kids clothes, going out etc.), but also a payment into my own bank account each month - in recognition of the fact I am making a valid contribution to the family by doing what I do for the children and DH. I have a very small wage from a few hours a month work also and CB.

OP, you don't HAVE a partnership with your DH if he is lying about money, concealing what he earns, and he's controlling you with money (lack of).
If you don't start working on this issue, you will end up still being treated this way in 30 years time!
A small part time job, wages into your own bank account, or full disclosure of the family finances and proper discussion about it is needed! You are a FAMILY but he is treating you more like a lodger!

Misspedantic, don't be so ridiculous. They are a family. The money that comes into that family is joint money - legally and morally. They both contribute to the family - the OP is providing childcare that enables the controlling bastard dh to go out and earn a living for all of them.

Your strange attitudes are contrary to the laws of this country, as the OP's h will discover when she wises up and gets rid of the selfish git.

ok short of telling her to leave him or call the dh a bastard I'm the only person offering some advice on what she could do. I can understand why people would call him a b if he kept all of the money, but he pays for everything.

He clearly doesn't want to share their finance with her, maybe there is a reason for this. She has no clue if they are in trouble. If they are I can sort of understand why he hid the 3,000 payout from her, but when she found out she just want to spend it on days out... that would annoy me. you can't burier your head in the sand, disown yourself from what has to paid out and then moan, even when you don't know if there is any money left over...

I'm going by what she has written, which is not much apart from saying that she has no idea what's going on. wow how bad would you lot feel if they were going under and he was trying not to worry her.

miss, why are you determined to paint the OP as a sinner and her h as a saint? The OP didn't say she wanted to spend £3k on days out - you've invented that to justify your rather curious take on this.

I'm not trying to paint the op as a sinner but you're painting her as a saint. All I'm saying is that no one here knows the full story and before we all tell her to leave her husband or tell her that is abusing her, maybe we should get all the facts. I'm Just giving a balanced view because after all he is paying his way, which I only wished my dd dad would.

BTW She did mention that she wanted to spend some of that money on doing stuff with her children over the holiday.

Whats not helpful is telling someone they are 'lucky' their dh pays the bills. Being a SAHM is a joint decision. Being a SAHM is working as hard as the parent that works. I say that as someone who has done both and currently work fulltime with 2 kids. That is 50/50. The realationship should be equal. They should have discussed what to do with the money. The OPs DH is hiding money, not being tight. He wasn't going to tell her. He is leaving his wife and kids without money for extras so he has some. He will have extra money when the credit card is paid off. The monthly payment will be about £140pm. So he will now have that spare.
A SAHM shouldn't have to grovel for money or feel lucky that while her dh has spare cash, she does not (even to spend on the kids) because at least he is paying the bills.

wow and you know he has spare cash left over at the end of the month. What if he doesn't? What if all that is left is the CB? Any suggestions as to what she should do then?

ps she is lucky, one of my friends her husband gives 200 a month and she has to pay bills and buy food out of that. I have another friend whose dh doesn't give her any money so she started working from home and now makes more money than him and she pays half the mortgage.

Someone said the child benefit would be £288 per month, so I ask the OP what do you have to buy out of that money.

If your oh pays all the bills etc £288 per month is a nice sum in your pocket.

CB is around £20 a week, depending on how many children you have. CTC is about £288 a month... again depending on how many children you have. she's talking about CB