To increase days at work to get away from grumpy toddler

[auburnlizzy78]

I feel AWFUL about this, first off.

Situation - I went back to work three days a week in Sept 2011 after a year mat leave. Mine is a high profile, important job which I love and need for my self esteem more than I realised . I had PTSD and PND for much of DS's first year. DH gave up work in the summer to help me. DS has been grumbly and miserable (up to six hours crying per day for example) and a poor sleeper since he was born. DH earned about a third of my wage, and we didn't need his income really. We then decided he would do a masters degree part time with a view to getting a better job at the end of it (August 2013). The rest of the time he would be a SAHD. The two days he has lectures are my non working days. So DS has a parent at home all the time and we are fortunate enough for that to be the case until he's almost three. Many people would LOVE to be in our situation - I realise this.

We sent DS off to a wonderful local nursery for two half days when he was eight months old before DH gave up work and I was very ill and needed respite. He LOVES it. Never cries, eats well, very very happy. Two months ago, because of how awful my DS continues to be when at home, we upped it to a third half day because DH was having trouble coping with him for four days straight (Friday to Monday). My big strong tough DH actually broke down in tears one night - we do so much for our DS, fun, stimulation, interaction, cuddles, good food, nice home and all he does is cry and have terrible terrible tantrums ALL DAY unless we are with other people and not at home - and you can't be out for twelve hours a day every day. He has very disturbed sleep for no obvious reason. It is breaking us. Maybe one good day out of seven. Weekends are generally miserable although we do go out and do stuff and try to have fun with him.

DH put the idea to me today to do a fourth day at work each week, and put DS in nursery for three full days. Work would bite my arm off to accept. We don't really need the extra money though. DH would spend the time studying or working ad hoc for his friend's company at a not-to-be-sneezed-at day rate. So he would have a full day on his own with DS. I would have a full day on my own, and weekends would be family time.

Sorry if this has been complicated. I just feel so bad that there are all these people out there working more than they want to, and WOHPs and SAHPs cherishing their days spent with their kids and here we are looking for ways out of it. What am I looking for here? Permission I guess, or a stern talking to. Please be gentle. Again I have had 3.5 hours sleep because of my DS - from 3-6.30am.

You poor thing

Small dcs can be horrible. I don't know how I would have survived if I hadn't worked when mine were small (second especially). I promise you he will improve hugely. In the meantime. if nursery makes him happy then send him there, full-time if necessary. Don't worry about living up to some sahp ideal. You can always downscale your career again when he is older and ime ill need his parents around more, not less.

Looking at what OP DH has written- other than the night waking- it doesn't sound that unusual to me - he does seem to spend some time doing other stuff and not full on paying full attention to DS- In the OP it sounded like you weren't able to leave him at all on his own. DH's description sounds similar to my own DS - some days he is more clingy/demanding than others- it is hard to predict- combinations of tiredness/ mood/how much time he has spent with me- and he behaves differently at nursery (they say he is a good sleeper/eats anything etc). I did find that importing some things from nursery helps- he had earlier meals there and more and ate more as a result.

I think small children are hard work and demanding - as a wohm i can convince myself that I would enjoy it and could cope better than DP but thats not necessarily the case- Also my DP feels no guilt at finding it hard and using childcare (both nursery and creches at sports centre) to get a break whereas I think a SAHM would feel guilty.

Oh and I sympathise totally with the sleeping- every time we think we have solved it with DS something happens- the last two nights he has totally refused to go to sleep in his cot and has sobbed and sobbed - no idea why

Hello! I always feel a bit like I'm spying on you when I find your threads, so hope you don't mind me commenting (I know OP in RL).

Obviously I'm biased because I know you, but I don't think you are in danger of over or understimulating DS on the basis of what I've seen. He may just be one of those toddlers who can be lovely in front of other people and a pain at home. Or it could be that something is bothering him.

I just saw mention of cranial osteopath and thought a-ha, might be worth a try - I could be wrong but did he require forceps in the end?

Giving up the night milk feed is worth a go I think, if painful initially, although he is a big boy so I can see why he might need the calories.

I don't think you should feel guilty about doing four days at work. You have had one hell of a year (year and a half), and you need the time to recover. He will still be getting decent time with both parents and the nursery seems to be very good for him.

I mostly want you to not feel shit, and to feel good about yourself and mentally rested. And for all of you to get some decent sleep.

Ok, so we've been to the doctor again and they didn't find anything in ear or throat. His tummy feels nice and soft so no obvious digestive issues. We won't do cereal tonight - but thanks for the alternative suggestions. I may give my osteopath a call - one session couldn't hurt? Yes, Hamster, he was forceps-delivered and a godawful birth. I have always wondered whether that has permanently affected his personality.

To answer a couple of points above. I wish he WOULD go in a sling - he utterly refuses and screams with rage. This is the same baby who refused to be swaddled and fought his way out of his blanket from the minute he was born! I try and cuddle him or kiss him - he just isn't interested. He gets PLENTY of (attempts at) physical affection from both of us. It's really odd - he cries and clings on to my leg, and I always used to pick him up or come down to him for a cuddle but consistently he would then try and get away from me. . So I have started to ignore him a bit more as it doesn't help!

Yeah, I suppose I do see him in a detached way because there has been no more than a day or two in a row since he was born where it has been a good day, he has been lovely and slept well with no problems - my professional side kicks in and I start "troubleshooting". Also, trying to be succinct here which might look as if I am a bit cold. If DS is unhappy, I truly believe there is very little more in our power to do!

The last time we gave DS sand (indoors) was at messy play group. They have never brought the sandpit back because he went NUTS with it. Sat in it, threw it EVERYWHERE, wouldn't get out of it! The same thing with water and other similar things suggested above. Everything is high octane with him!

I had a high-attention-requiring toddler who also cried a lot. I think anyone who says you are being unreasonable really hasn't been there. It's very draining and I totally understand the idea of being a better mummy the rest of the time when you're able to get away a bit.

Mine got a lot better when she learned to talk in sentences (around 2) although she is still highly strung at 2.7 but a lot better!

I also think teething can cause massively awful behaviour in a sensitive child. Both of mine have suffered a lot with teething and it can just seem to be constant at this age. The hourly waking thing definitely could be teething if he's not like that all the time.

It will get better whatever you decide to do about work.

I'm going to be very honest here, and I really hope you take it in the spirit it's meant (which is kindness ).

I think it may be possible that your PND has affected your bond. There is something a bit strange about the way you describe your relationship with your son. As another poster said, it's a bit detached. There is very little mention of love or affection. It all sounds like far too much effort. You seem to be taking his 'bad' behaviour very personally, and talk a lot about how he physically hurts you. Also your reaction to being phobic about his crying etc. I really don't think this is a typical reaction to a 17 month old child. I think your child is aware that something isn't right and is acting accordingly. I am not blaming you at all, I had PND myself and I know how awful it is, and how lucky I am that it didn't affect my bond with my DD. I remember seeing a fascinating documentary about a centre that helped mothers bond with their children, often after a period of PND in early babyhood. It was very successful. And it really rings bells with your posts. I really think you should go to your GP and ask if there is a similar service in your area.

A lot of the behaviour that you describe is perfectly normal btw.

I genuinely hope that you seek the help that you all need, as you are clearly a caring mother who wants her child to be happy.

Thank you. There is a grain of truth in what you say blemp. But I'm working with the confines of an internet forum, writing about a problem and trying to describe it factually and without waffling so people will read it. I could write a ream on how wonderful he is and how much I love him but that's not for AIBU, is it?

I do love him, and I have said above how much physical affection he gets from both of us. More than he wants! I am just utterly broken, tired out and beaten down by the situation which has been going on for so long and where I've run out of things to try. Wouldn't any one in their right mind struggle to bond with a child who is as I've described EVERY SINGLE DAY? But, nonetheless, I've managed it with the help of counselling and ADs, which I've been off for six months now. The way I now deal with it is to separate the two and say, about the horrible screaming toddler "this is NOT my DS, this is the baby "shell" that's hiding him, that's what I don't like. It's not HIM".

I totally understand how hard it must be, especially with the ongoing sleep deprivation. I also understand how hard depression is (even when the 'crisis' is over), I was suicidal for a long time and very much understand that feeling of being 'broken'.

But I think that when you do feel like that, you should ask yourself, 'is it reasonable or fair that I should feel 'utterly broken, tired out and beaten down'. I think that once things feel that bleak that there is no shame whatsoever in seeking help. After all if you had a broken leg you would immediately seek medical attention with no 'shame' attached.

I also get that you can't explain things adequately on a forum, and am honestly not judging / blaming or anything. I just think that some form of family therapy or at the very least being referred to a sleep specialist may help you. Best of luck with everything x

For what it's worth I'd say increase his hours at nursery and just get some rest/spend time with DH. Doesn't have to be forever. Maybe just a couple of months so that you can recharge your batteries a bit which will make all of this easier to deal with. Also I genuinely believe a lot of the things you have mentioned are just down to him being a toddler - albeit perhaps quite a challenging one. Honestly think that sometimes we spend so long trying to find 'the thing that needs fixing' as it makes us feel like we're in control/doing something useful. Often I'm not sure there's anything that can be done.

Hang in there. IME everything passes........

There's some overthinking going on here, imo.

I hated the baby stage and I detest some aspects of toddlerhood too. My DS isn't high attention or problematic, he's just a bog standard highly demanding kid.

I thank my lucky stars for my job and for the fab nursery DS goes to. He's happy, we're happy, what's not to love.

In a matter of mere months he'll be fully verbal, toilet trained and even more fun to be with. In the meantime, I let somebody else cope with much of the daily grind of childcare, allowing me to stay rested and happy enough to really enjoy the time we do spend together.

There's no need to justify it - it is what it is.

I like your style MorrisZapp! There is far too much guilt surrounding people who (whisper it) do not love spending every moment of the day with their babies/toddlers.

Personally I loved the baby stage - every moment really - but found the toddler stage really tough. Now DS is really talking, and I love it again. We all have points that we find difficult - and the most important thing is that we -and our children - enjoy the time we do spend together.

As I've said OP, if your DS is happy at nursery, then go for it! I would second the suggestion to take the extra day as time for you if possible - sounds like you need to recover after the hard time you've had.

If it helps, OP, my horrible dc2 turned in to the most delightful baby and is now the most gorgeous child on the planet. He just wasn't any good at being a baby

High energy/high-need children are hard work. It's the personality they are born with. They are impatient, active, don't need a lot of sleep and desperate to be grown up. All I can say on that front is that it does get easier with time as they grow older.

On a positive note, if your DS is 'acting out' at home but not at nursery, then that suggests a strong bond between your DS and you/your DH. Children tend to act up in the situations where they feel most comfortable. So it's very normal for a child to be a nightmare at home but good as gold at nursery/school. I'd be more worried if the behaviours were reversed.

If your DS is happy at nursery up his hours and take some time out to recharge your batteries. You'll be better parents when you are rested.

Thanks folks. Scroobious, that does make me feel a bit better.

An update - in case anyone was wondering, or in case it helps anyone else in the same situation.

Just as I spoke to my boss and agreed to go four days a week from June, DS began to walk, properly. Oh. My. God. Overnight change. Tantrums dropped off by about 90% and his personality has totally changed. Sleep has got a LOT better and he stopped waking for an overnight feed!!! He still wakes up and cries but goes back to sleep by himself. At the moment he has chicken pox so we've had a rough night but I can see that we have turned a corner.

Am visiting a cranial osteopath - he's a difficult age to treat but the lady reckons he does have a bit of tightness on one side which she is now correcting.

I am still going to work four days. I looked at the finances and realised that it wasn't as good as we thought it was as DH had been paying for things not out of accumulated savings but on a credit card..... DH will do now two days at home, I will do one day, weekends family time and DS will do two full days at nursery. This will allow DH to get out of the house and recharge his batteries (and the family coffers I guess!) by working. I don't feel guilty, DS is so happy in nursery as I've said, and overall instead of doing 15 hours over 3 days he'll be doing up to 18 over 2, so it's not like we're massively ramping it up.

I even got a cuddle from DS the other day; which was really cool.

Feel so much better that there WAS genuinely something wrong with him - utter frustration at not walking - and not that I was failing to do something or failing to cope with an ordinary toddler.

So there we go. I'm still so grateful for all the advice given in response to my OP - you're all stars (if that's not un-Mumsnet to say!)

I am a CM and a parent asked for extra days for similar reasons. Result - happy child and happy parents.

I have just read through this thread, (when I should be getting up ) as I can empathise even though at a distance. My DGS2 was exactly as you describe, I looked after him and he could reduce me to tears.
Long story short, he's 8 now and is the kindest most sensitive boy you could ever meet. He is still intense, crazy, loud and full-on but we have learned to cope with him. He is very, very sensitive to emotions and moods around him that he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with.
I'm so glad you updated and that things have improved.
Good luck to you all.

Really interesting thread, thank you for updating.

Also, I think people gave really great advice, suportive and practical, and came across as very caring.

I'm this will help many, many parents!