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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DH is obviously staying for drinks after work without telling me.

82 replies

Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 20:57

DH has been home late every night this week. The kids haven't seen him since Tuesday morning. A couple of nights I think he was genuinely working late. Last night I texted him about 7.30 to ask him what time he would be home as DD was hoping to see him (as she hadn't seen him since Tuesday) and he texted back saying he was at the train station and sorry but he'd been in meetings all afternoon. He didn't get in till about 9.30. It should only take 45 mins to get home once you're on the train. When he got in it was clear he'd been for drinks as he was a bit pissed. I let it go as I couldn't be arsed with an argument.

Today for one reason or another we haven't spoken all day (usually we do). Tonight I text him again at 7.00 saying where are you, what time you think you'll be home as kids asking about him again. I got the reply "With the Fords". I have no idea what that means and he hasn't even answered my question. But I assume that he is having drinks again tonight. Now I can't get hold of him, he isn't answering his phone and not responding to texts.

AIBU to be really pissed off with him? I don't mind him going out but I do expect him to give me a bit of notice. If he'd told me at some point during the day that he wasn't going to be home to spend the night with me I would have been prepared. But he didn't and I was expecting him home. And now he isn't. Again.

He does this every once in a while and it always annoys me. As I say I wouldn't mind if he told me today that he had drinks that he'd forgotten about. Even if he told me at 6pm. But it to be nearly 9pm and for me to have no idea where he is and for him to be totally incommunicado is just infuriating. I really wish I had the opportunity to do this kind of thing to him but i can't, as I am always the one with the kids waiting for HIM to come home!

Arrrghhhh. Please tell me, am I being a bit precious or is this kind of thing really annoying? It's not as if we had anything planned. But I do expect to know when he's home so I know whether to eat on my own. It's not even about that, I just want to know!

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 16/03/2012 21:02

The second he walks in, go out. No discussion. Don't come back for several hours.

I'd be livid at this. How dare he assume you're available to look after his children this evening?
It's just common courtesy to let your partner know where you are- he could be dead in a ditch somewhere- how would you know? (Hope he's not, obviously)

squeakytoy · 16/03/2012 21:04

Just eat. It is his tough luck if he gets home late. He has a pair of hand, he can sort his own dinner out, even if that is just microwaving what you cooked earlier.

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 16/03/2012 21:06

Oooh, my DH does this. You are right it is v v annoying. Drives me up the wall, we have nearly split up over it in the past.

Eglu · 16/03/2012 21:06

YANBU, he is being completely inconsiderate. Not only is he lacking respect for you, but also ignoring the fact that his children would like to see him.

Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 21:09

Im really sorry but you are absolutely not being precious, i think this is a serious issue, and that the "staying for drinks" is the tip of the iceberg, he clearly has no respect for you, and the fact that he not seeing his children is unforivable. This would be a deal breaker for me, really.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 21:10

Oh i've eaten now. But it's not really about that.

I know for a fact that when he gets home he will knock on the door for me to let him in despite having his keys (he can go fucking swing it). And he will then be all "what? what's your problem?" He does this as a means for testing exactly how pissed off I am.

He doesn't actually have his keys tonight so I think I might make the tosser wait 10 mins before letting him in, say I didn't know what time he was due back so was taking a shower. Wink

OP posts:
undercoverPrincess · 16/03/2012 21:18

YANBU

I'm coming back a man!!!

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 21:20

Eglu/Goawaybob: This isn't a really really regular occurrence. But it does happen every few months or so. And when it does happen it's like he goes all out to really fuck me off. I generally know that if we haven't spoken before during the day about his ETA and I text him and don't hear anything within an hour that he "is out". It is the industry that he works in. And when we were living in London pre marriage and kids it did seriously fuck me off. But it calmed down a lot, he calmed down alot.

These days he's practically antisocial and a lot of the time I'm kicking him out the door to go to things. But every now and again I have these instances, which vex me a lot.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 21:20

I woldnt let the cunt in at all! And im not joking. How can he think that this sort of behaviour is acceptable?

chairmanofthebored · 16/03/2012 21:22

So he doesn't have his keys then ?, i would make him wait a tad longer than 10m minutes. Just happen to fall asleep, really, really deeply so you can't hear him at the door. Childish i know but what delicious revenge!
In all seriousness thought it does sound like he needs a taste of his own medicine...

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:23

Your husband sounds like a tool

He is doing it to wind you up

why would he do that ?

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:26

This post was MADE for me! I am so excited about reading it. My DH drives me to distraction at least twice a week by going for drinks and not telling me. I have to ring him up at 9pm or later (usually goes through to voicemail the first 5 times) to find out whether he's coming home. Ruddy journalists!

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:27

OP, is my husband a bigamist?!?

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:28

I am almost seething on your behalf. He sounds just as annoying as my DH.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:29

mess, why do you bother ringing again and again ?

he is taking the piss out of you

stop ringing him and simply don't be there when he gets home

let him write an article about that

abbierhodes · 16/03/2012 21:29

Regardless of how often he does it, it isn't acceptable. He has children, he is responsible for them as much as you are. If he is going out he needs to check you are available to look after them. It really isn't about him having a social life or not, it's about respect. My DH has never done this, not ever, and I've never done it to him. I don't understand people who would.

You need to have a serious chat with him. I'd also consider pointing out that if you split up, he'll be responsible for the kids 50% of the time, including finding childcare when he is at work. If he did this to a paid nanny he wouldn't see her for dust. So he wouldn't do it. He has less respect for you than he would for a paid employee. And you're supposed to be the love of his life?
He needs to sort out his priorities.

MadameChinLegs · 16/03/2012 21:29

I think a really loooooooong shower with some music playing too might well be in order around the time you think he might knock.

Or, have a soak in the bath, take an age getting to the door and when he asks why it took so long say "didn't know who it was, so wasnt going to answer it, and didn't think it would be you as you have a set of keys to get in".

I really think, emergencies aside, it's only good manners to have an "i'll text or ring if I'm going to be home late" policy. Not the other way around. You really shouldn't have to chase him to find out what his plans are.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 21:29

He's just called me 3 times now within a minute and i've ignored him, oh and now he's trying the land-line.

Hah, the cock.

OP posts:
karatekimmi · 16/03/2012 21:30

I wouldn't let him in. Put your ear plugs in, and go to sleep. Give him the same courtesy as he's given you and don't respond to the phone and or texts (turn it off and unplug it).

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 21:30

Oh, he's at the door! Am gonna leave it for a bit...................

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:31

well love, this cock is taking the piss on a regular basis

Gumby · 16/03/2012 21:31

I think it's crap he doesn't want to see his kids

Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 21:31

Im not buying the whole "its the industry" no, he is behaving like a teenager and treating you like you were his nagging mother. It is totally unacceptable and I would absolutely NOT stand for it. I usually try and put the mans side on threads like this, but there simply isn't another side to this. If people want to go out after work, fine - let your partner know, its just simple politeness.

To go totally awol, switching off or ignoring phone - its disgusting. He clearly thinks more of his "industry" and wanky friends than he does his wife and children. Theres no way to sugar coat it, you are second best.

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:33

Oh god, yours only does it once in a while. Mine is never home before 9pm (more like 9.30pm these days) and when he goes for a drink (once a week it will be planned and once a week unplanned, sometimes on Fridays nights when I have worked all week too and am looking forward to seeing him), he isn't home before midnight at the earliest. To be honest it only really annoys me when I haven't seen him in ages or when I am looking forward to a glass of wine with him and he ruins it by saying he's 'just going for a couple of drinks'. Then I absolutely flip and usually threaten divorce. Then I feel utterly unreasonable as the reason he can do this and I never can is because he is the one that has to commute for an hour (or more) each way every day whereas I live very near work. So then I feel very guilty. But it is still unbearably annoying to have the rug pulled from under my feet on a regular basis. He doesn't really 'get' it.

AThingInYourLife · 16/03/2012 21:36

Good for you. Leave him out there for as long as you've been waiting to know where he is.

That would make it around 11.30 when you open the door.