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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that DH is obviously staying for drinks after work without telling me.

82 replies

Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 20:57

DH has been home late every night this week. The kids haven't seen him since Tuesday morning. A couple of nights I think he was genuinely working late. Last night I texted him about 7.30 to ask him what time he would be home as DD was hoping to see him (as she hadn't seen him since Tuesday) and he texted back saying he was at the train station and sorry but he'd been in meetings all afternoon. He didn't get in till about 9.30. It should only take 45 mins to get home once you're on the train. When he got in it was clear he'd been for drinks as he was a bit pissed. I let it go as I couldn't be arsed with an argument.

Today for one reason or another we haven't spoken all day (usually we do). Tonight I text him again at 7.00 saying where are you, what time you think you'll be home as kids asking about him again. I got the reply "With the Fords". I have no idea what that means and he hasn't even answered my question. But I assume that he is having drinks again tonight. Now I can't get hold of him, he isn't answering his phone and not responding to texts.

AIBU to be really pissed off with him? I don't mind him going out but I do expect him to give me a bit of notice. If he'd told me at some point during the day that he wasn't going to be home to spend the night with me I would have been prepared. But he didn't and I was expecting him home. And now he isn't. Again.

He does this every once in a while and it always annoys me. As I say I wouldn't mind if he told me today that he had drinks that he'd forgotten about. Even if he told me at 6pm. But it to be nearly 9pm and for me to have no idea where he is and for him to be totally incommunicado is just infuriating. I really wish I had the opportunity to do this kind of thing to him but i can't, as I am always the one with the kids waiting for HIM to come home!

Arrrghhhh. Please tell me, am I being a bit precious or is this kind of thing really annoying? It's not as if we had anything planned. But I do expect to know when he's home so I know whether to eat on my own. It's not even about that, I just want to know!

OP posts:

Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 21:36

Why do you think so little of yourself that you accept this messalina? You feel guilty because he has to commute to work? so that entitles him to behave like a cock lodger? Don't your children want to see their father?

abbierhodes · 16/03/2012 21:38

Messalina, I'm not convinced you 'get' it tbh. He's never back before 9.30, and it's later than midnight twice a week? Without consulting you, despite the fact that you work too. How on god's green earth is that a relationship? You're flat mates, surely? Find a new one, love.

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:38

Basically, I think it boils down to this. I am wildly jealous. I would absolutely love to be able to go out for drinks with colleagues on a complete whim but because I am the main childcarer (and NB the main breadwinner too) I always have to book a babysitter. I'm sure if it were me in his position, I would be twice as bad. It's very very annoying at times, but he does have to go out for drinks with colleagues or contacts and that's life. I just wish he could jolly well INFORM me before I finally get hold of him.

Gumby · 16/03/2012 21:38

Messalina - he sounds like an alcoholic to me

gordongekko · 16/03/2012 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:41

Oh my goodness, I am quite surprised at the reactions of people. Erm, we live in the South-East of England. I know lots of husbands who don't get back till quite late at night. My husband is a complete rock (just a bit annoying in this particular respect). He is a very successful journalist and if he left the office at 6pm, he would not be! I was just tickled that somebody else's DH did the same thing as mine. I have a perfectly robust self-esteem, my marriage is very solid (and has been for over 10 years). We have a beautiful daughter and lovely life. We just both too bloody hard, that's all. We have a perfectly decent relationship. Please do not worry!

gordongekko · 16/03/2012 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:42

He will laugh and laugh when I tell him someone thought he was an alcoholic. I think you have completely misread my comments!!!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 16/03/2012 21:42

Listen ladies who have husbands or partners who are inconsiderate fucks - they are not all like that. My DH has many functions that he has to attend and sometimes he does, sometimes he comes home to his family, but he ALWAYS lets me know what he is doing, whether he will eat out and a rough idea of when he will come home.

It is common courtesy.
If he did the not calling, couldnt get hold of him more than once he would get torn a new one. I have things to do too, childcare is not my sole responsibility.

Get him told.

AThingInYourLife · 16/03/2012 21:43

Would he not be a successful journalist if he called his wife to let her know he was going out?

I know quite a few successful journalists who manage that.

Gumby · 16/03/2012 21:43

Oops

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:43

messaline, I think your husband is messing around with other women

I am sorry, but you need to consider this seriously

no family man stays out "socialising" so late, so regularly, unless there is something in it for him

gordongekko · 16/03/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:45

I am really touched that people are taking my side, and this will be excellent ammunition for the next time he annoys me by staying out late, but things are fine. REALLY. My husband is neither an alcoholic, nor a childcare shirker, nor a layabout (quite the opposite), nor a cheater, nor a liar, nor a wifebeater. He just goes out for drinks a couple of times a week. And I find it annoying that he often doesn't tell me in advance but I am just worried you have all got the wrong impression. No doubt my fault for sounding off about him (VERY cathartic and heart warming that I am not being unreasonable for getting really cross when it happens).

bumbleymummy · 16/03/2012 21:47

Messalina, once they have it in their head that you're in an abusive relationship and/or he's having an affair you have no hope. You'll just have to agree to leave the bastard and be done with it :)

messalina · 16/03/2012 21:47

Oh, I always threaten divorce. I wrote him a note the other night saying I wanted a divorce and he stuck it on the fridge because he thought it was funny. I just have a pretty hot temper, that's all. We both bicker a lot but we make up 2 minutes later. That is just how our relationship works. For some of you that would no doubt spell divorce, but I would rather a feisty relationship than lots of cold, silent brooding. Does that make sense? Better stop slagging him off. He has just put in a 10 hour day on his day 'off' and I can hear his footsteps approaching. Thanks for taking my side! Bye. Hope OP's husband starts behaving better.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:47

back tracking

it's not your fault your H is an inconsiderate arsehole, mess

I simply feel sorry that you have to virtually beg him to come home to his family on a very regular basis

CupOfBrownJoy · 16/03/2012 21:49

AnyFucker at it again ;)

CupOfBrownJoy · 16/03/2012 21:49

obvs

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 16/03/2012 21:51

Well that kind of backfired as he just stood out there and banged on the door and DD came down and asked me to please let daddy in as he woke her up. .

messalina: our situations sound very similar. Although DH doesn't do it as regular. But it is totally what you say about not having the opportunity yourself. I still work in London. I would love nothing more than to go out for a few after work and to rock home when i feel like it, but i can't as I am the one that has to pick the children up. And for exactly the same reason, he's the main bread-winner so it can't be any other way.

abbie: you hit the nail on the head when you said that he just assumes that i will be there and be his nanny. And he just doesn't get it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 21:53

if you say so, CupOfBrownJoy

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 16/03/2012 21:55

a quick text or phonecall saying "Ive got held up" or "Im having drinks" or networking or whatever is not too much to ask.

My DH is very successful in his industry and always lets me know if he is going to be late/not back.

Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 21:56

Well, if you want to accept being second best to your partners career - fine, its a shame your children are having to make the same sacrifice really. If my DP had a job that involved him regularly not being home for bedtime, he would have to get another job. I wonder how your daughter feels about the feistyness? My parents had this sort of relationship, i was deeply unhappy

abbierhodes · 16/03/2012 22:04

Rollergirl, make him get it. I assume you're now feeling guilty for waking your dd up? Despite the fact that he did it?

Messalina- if you say so I think you're protesting a little too much. It is easier to accept the situation if you convince yourself you're OK with it, I know that. (I also know that right now, you'll be annoyed with me/others for saying things like this, but one day you will be glad we did)

Bumbleymummy, I don't think anyone on this thread is being abused, just taken for mugs. I wouldn't consider a relationship where I wasn't treated as an equal. I wouldn't consider having children with someone who wasn't prepared to be n equal parent. If your standards are lower then that's your choice- we'll have to agree to differ. You give the OP your advice and I'll give her mine.

bumbleymummy · 16/03/2012 22:12

It depends on what you mean by an 'equal parent' really doesn't it. I probably do more for our boys during the day because I'm a SAHM and DH works FT and occasionally has to do a lot of OT too. On the evenings that he works late I do bedtimes. I don't think that makes me a mug/less equal/ or means that I have low standards.

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