To be pissed off that DH is obviously staying for drinks after work without telling me.

[Rollergirl1]

DH has been home late every night this week. The kids haven't seen him since Tuesday morning. A couple of nights I think he was genuinely working late. Last night I texted him about 7.30 to ask him what time he would be home as DD was hoping to see him (as she hadn't seen him since Tuesday) and he texted back saying he was at the train station and sorry but he'd been in meetings all afternoon. He didn't get in till about 9.30. It should only take 45 mins to get home once you're on the train. When he got in it was clear he'd been for drinks as he was a bit pissed. I let it go as I couldn't be arsed with an argument.

Today for one reason or another we haven't spoken all day (usually we do). Tonight I text him again at 7.00 saying where are you, what time you think you'll be home as kids asking about him again. I got the reply "With the Fords". I have no idea what that means and he hasn't even answered my question. But I assume that he is having drinks again tonight. Now I can't get hold of him, he isn't answering his phone and not responding to texts.

AIBU to be really pissed off with him? I don't mind him going out but I do expect him to give me a bit of notice. If he'd told me at some point during the day that he wasn't going to be home to spend the night with me I would have been prepared. But he didn't and I was expecting him home. And now he isn't. Again.

He does this every once in a while and it always annoys me. As I say I wouldn't mind if he told me today that he had drinks that he'd forgotten about. Even if he told me at 6pm. But it to be nearly 9pm and for me to have no idea where he is and for him to be totally incommunicado is just infuriating. I really wish I had the opportunity to do this kind of thing to him but i can't, as I am always the one with the kids waiting for HIM to come home!

Arrrghhhh. Please tell me, am I being a bit precious or is this kind of thing really annoying? It's not as if we had anything planned. But I do expect to know when he's home so I know whether to eat on my own. It's not even about that, I just want to know!

But your DH has to do overtime, my DP sometimes has to work late or a long distance away and doesn't get home for bedtime, but fortunately this hasn't happened for a while. The OP and mess's DHs are not working they are out pissing it up, probably leering and flirting with other women (If not worse, i wouldnt knw) instead of being home to read their children a story.

This is not about working late, it's about going out on the piss without discussing it. I work late, a lot. I work much longer hours than my DH. But if I'm working outside of normal hours, I at least let him know. If I want to go out other than work, I check he's OK to have the kids. I expect the same from him.
Outside of work hours, we are both responsible for looking after the children, doing housework etc. That's what I mean by equal parenting.

I just posted a long thread and it got sucked in to the ether.....(much like my DH..:)....

Anyway, my point was that i think it's more about equality than respect. I know that DH respects me. If i didn't think he respected me i wouldn't be with him. But he earns 3 times what i earn. And so obviously the crux of the childcare arrangements fall to me. I am fine with that and know that i am the one that picks up the slack in that respect. But I resent the fact that he sees me as his "free childcare". Obviously i'm not that as I am their mother, but even so.

I just wish i could have the freedom that him having his job allows him, but to have that I would have to be earning what he earns, and I don't. So I just do what i do....

is he working or is he out drinking ?

think about what you are saying

if he is genuinely working late, you may have a point, but...

just simply the fact he earns more than you doesn't automatically confer more rights upon him...which seems to be what you are saying

why don't you insist he is home early enough, eg. 3 times a week, to enable you (with the lighter evenings coming) to go out for a drink with work colleagues, for a run, to the gym, join a class etc

if he isn't actually working why does his superior earning power even enter the equation ?

no, LeQ, I am talking to the OP

My DH earns 20 times what I earn. He works in a business which means he has to travel a lot, work away for days at a time, often gets home late and sometimes has to stay late unexpectedly. But he always tells me his travel arrangements in advance, if he's held up he always lets me know, and he calls when he's on his way home. We put work events and social events on the calendar, so that we run arrangements by one another.

In short, he doesn't take the piss, and he is on board with the fact that he can only be a high earner because we have agreed that I will run the household and child care whilst working part-time and locally. Being a high earner doesn't make you lord and master over all you survey, and it doesn't mean that your spouse is any less worthy of being treated with respect.

I hope your DH put DD back to bed, BTW.

Why on earth should your DH have more freedom just because he earns more?

I find it really hard to get my head around why a guy wouldn't let his wife know he's going to be home late, or make sure that's not a problem for some reason. It's such an obvious thing to do that not doing it seems like a deliberate passive-aggressive kind of statement, putting you in your place or something.

Well, this thread has been very educational for me.

We are defined by what we earn? and as a consequence of this if our male partner earns more than us, then we are, by default the principal child care provider and housekeeper.

Further to this - if the blessed bread winner is in a revered "industry" that requires high levels of networking getting pissed, flirting with other women and generally acting like a wanker We, as the lowly housekeepers must not question this.

Heaven forbid that we would actually be so demanding as to insist that the common politeness afforded to those with less glamourous partners, such as a phone call if home late, actually checking to see if WE might have plans before an impromptu piss up networking sessions. They are important men with important jobs and if they are inspired to get together to discuss some really amazing ideas slag off pete in accounts over a pint or cocktail or whatever these fuckwits drink and leer over the barmaid you cannot realistically expect them to remember that they have a family who might be worried if they don't contact to tell them they will be home, well, when they are home.

We must not stiffle their creativity by encumbering them with the benalities of family life. They do not DO childcare, it is beneath them. Ok, well maybe they might, but only if they haven't something more important to do havent decided to go on the piss

We must be thankful for the "lifestyle" afforded us by thse very important men and console ourselves with exchanging the tokens that the very important men earn for "nice things"

FUCK THAT

My DP is a builder, so he isn't quite so important as some of the "industry leaders" being discussed on this thread. So I have often dragged him across the coals for genuinely working late. I don't think that in 20 years he has ever just decided to go to the pub on the way home from work, let alone do that without telling me. I actually feel quite guilty for bollocking him in the past, when i see how other men treat their partners like the hired help!

My diatribe was not directed at lequeen and inertia thogh, whose husband clearly work like slaves, just as mine does :)

Golf is something that spoils a bloody good walk if you ask me lequeen

I think your husband is messing around with other women

I am sorry, but you need to consider this seriously

no family man stays out "socialising" so late, so regularly, unless there is something in it for him

they do where I come from.. and it certainly doesnt mean they are having an affair or seeing other women!

I have to admit, I don't have a lot of sympathy either for this idea of, oh, my DH's industry means he HAS to go out socialising all the time and it's too much to expect him to tell me about it or plan in advance.

I used to work in a field (granted, in the US) where there was a lot of social activity outside working hours. The men I worked with who had families did a pretty good job of managing this in a way that did not impinge too much on family life, mostly by limiting themselves to scheduled events where there were drinks afterward, rather than spontaneous 'let's all go out and get pissed' nights.

They all became rather successful in their field despite this. I think they went for quality of interactions rather than quantity.

I understand a lot of women put up with this but I would not in a million years. I don't see how you can have a real partnership with someone if one person gets to do whatever they want and the other person is expected to just suck it up all the time.

well, I dunno, DB, I suppose they can console themselves with some pretty trinkets

Goawaybob- apologies if I have misrepresented my DH , I didn't intend to suggest that his job makes him too important to pitch in with family life - he does join in , in fact he's taken the children out so I can get on with some work I need to do around the house - and when he's here he does his fair share. I was just trying to make the point that being the higher earner doesn't give anyone the right to totally ignore their partner's wishes and needs, and that most men who are the higher earner don't act in the disrespectful manner displayed by the OP's husband.

AF

Yes, where would the handbag industry be without inconsiderate partners??

LeQ, if both partners get to be spontaneous, if it's possible to set up your lives that way, then that's different. I'm talking about a situation where only one person has that freedom and expects the other person to put up with it. Because they earn less.

I think it's really hard when one person is a planner and the other is not. I do think spontaneous people have to adapt a bit when there are partners and children to think of, it's just respectful.