To not say that this is ok?

[BenedictsCumberbitch]

ok so perhaps IABU, a bit of background first of all.

My brother is my Dads son only, however my Mum and Dad have been together since my brother (now mid 30's) was 18months old, he has never lived with us but he's always just been my big brother, relatively close, he took me to pubs etc before I was old enough to get in and generally has just been a big brother to me. He is now engaged to be married to a nice woman and their wedding is later this year. They have one lovely little boy who I am proud to call my nephew.

Ok so the wedding has been booked for 6 months or so and things are starting to come together,i got married last year so have offered to help in any way I can. Some offers have been accepted, others not, fair enough.

Ok so here is the AIBU, my brothers fiancé has intimated but not actually said out loud that both her sister and brothers daughters (one each) are to be bridesmaids and that is all they can really afford. I have a daughter of 8 and I know she'd be heartbroken if she knew the other bridesmaids were the bride and grooms nieces and she wasn't asked. I get the impression that the bride wants me to say that it's ok to leave my daughter out but I feel strongly that it really isn't ok. If my brother or his fiancé said to me 'We'd really love to have all the girls but we just can't afford it then I'd offer to pay for her dress etc no questions and no strings but I don't feel as though I can offer to do that without it being explicitly confirmed that they'd like her to be a part of the wedding, the same as their other nieces.

So AIBU?

Awwww that sucks for your DD :( I would feel put out of joint too but you know what everyone's going to say, don't you?: Their wedding, they choose the bridesmaids.

It does seem mean, though. If I'd had to exclude a close relatives child but not others due to cost, I'd have had a word in the mum's shell-like and said "It's not that I don't want X to be part of the wedding, I really do, I am just flat out of cash" If the mum offered to pay for her DD's dress so she could take part I would agree then pay her back at a later date.

Hope something gets worked out for your DD :)

They ABU and really unfair imho. I'd be tempted to say to them that you'd heard there were cost issues and you'd pay for DD's dress etc? Otherwise I'd consider not going, tbh, rather than see my daughter specifically left out and "heartbroken" :(

This is a really difficult one.

YANBU to feel upset for your dd, but I can understand the line of thinking that says the bridesmaids should be of the brides choosing. If my dh had had a sister, I would have been pissed of if I was expected to have her as a BM, because I only wanted my friends. (I'm an only) And nor would I have expected that my brother should be Best Man or an usher. But this is children, so it is different. I understand the bride only wanting the ones close to her, but I can't understand anyone wanting to upset children over their wedding.

Are you sure the bride really wants her nieces to be bridesmaids and isn't just doing it to pacify her Mother? If that is the case, I can understand even more why she wouldn't want to have your dd as well.

I think ultimately, it is up to her to have who she wants for her wedding, otherwise it can become all about what everyone else wants, and that's not what weddings are for.

Yes. It's a shame your daughter will be disappointed but it is the bridal party, it's up to who the bride wants there. And maybe they don't want.to ask you to pay. Bring it up if you're bothered but don't assume you'll like the answer.

I don't think YABU as such, but neither do I think your future SIL is. I've always thought that the bride gets to pick her bridesmaids, who are significant and meaningful to her. It's a cold truth that her own nieces are more likely to fall into this category than her husband's. Ideally, though, if the groom asks his bride if she could have someone from his side as one of her bridesmaids, she would accept for his sake. But I don't think there's any compulsion on her to do so, if there are good reasons (eg financial) why she can't.

Maybe you could have a word with your brother, just scope out the thinking behind the decision. It would be obvious why you are having the conversation, so you won't need to spell it out, especially as it may put him and your future SIL in a tricky position if she really doesn't want to have your DD as her bridesmaid. If it is for financial reasons, you can reassure him that you would cover the costs, and DD would be delighted. If it's something else, at least you'll know.

But I don't think you can EXPECT your DD to be a bridesmaid, in these circumstances.

The brides mum died 15 years ago, so it's nothing to do with keeping her sweet. One niece lives at the opposite ends of the country and they only see her once or twice a year whereas admittedly they do see the other niece more regularly. I know it's their wedding and therefore entirely up to them but I guess I just don't want to validate their choice and 'give them permission' as it were to leave my daughter out.

YABU. Bridesmaids are meant to be whom a bride wants to be her attendants. I had my sister and my friends. Niece (on DH's side) and SILs weren't included even though I am very fond of them.

Why do you feel it's up to you to 'validate' their choice or 'give them permission'?

I also don't understand why your DD would be heartbroken. Surely she doesn't expect to be a bridesmaid at every family wedding she goes to?

I don't mean to sound to blunt or mean, but they don't need you to validate their choice, and I know you meant it with the inverted commas, but they don't need your permission either.

Does your dd see much of the other nieces, and do they see much of each other?

You obviously feel strongly, and if your dd is quite close to your brother I think it would be ok to point out to him that she is going to be dissapointed. Even if it means they give her a different special job instead, I managed to make up plenty of special jobs for my dc when we got married!

TBF, you don't need to validate their choice. It's their wedding. It is horrible for your daughter and I'd be lying if I said that it wouldn't make me feel a bit stabby but permission/validation from you is irrelevant. Sorry, I don't mean that unkindly.

Agree with precaiouslybalanced, I asked my sister and my husbands sister (but only because I knew she'd be upset if I didn't!) and I can remember being slightly hurt that my sister was bridesmaid for both my brothers but I wasn't asked ( she's the younger, pretty one btw!!). I would speak to your brother about it. As you are close I doubt he woud be offended and he probably hasn't even thought about it. If the answer is no, and I think she does have the right to ask whoever she wants to, why not just take your daughter to buy the prettiest dress she can find. If you don't point out that she is the same relation to the couple as th ebridesmanids then she'll probably never even give it a thought

No of course she doesn't expect to be a bridesmaid at every family wedding but when the other bridesmaids are asked on the basis that they are related to the bride and groom as neices then I don't think it's too out there to hope that she'd be treated the same. I feel as though I'm being asked by the bride to validate their choice because she keeps dropping into conversation that they want to ask these two other little girls and bridesmaid dresses etc are expensive etc etc as if she wants me to say "oh it's ok DD wouldn't want to be your bridesmaid just go ahead".

I will accept that IABU if that is the general consensus though.

I don't understand why your DD would be heartbroken. At that age I expected to be bridesmaid to my cousin but she explained that she was just having 2 adult bridesmaids and couldn't afford more. I was disappointed but not heartbroken. As a parent just help her get over the disappointment.

If you are close to your brother you could have a quiet word and find out if it is merely expense and offer to pay-but be prepared that she might not be wanted.

Just gently say something to your db including the offer to pay for the dress.If you dont then this could fester. better stiil have a chat with his fiancee.They probably dont realise how strongly you and your dd feel.

That does seem mean, and I'm generally some one who's of the opinion 'it's their wedding they get to choose'. For your daughter's sake I'd think fuck coming off as a pushy and mean spirited cow, I'd just come out and offer to pay expenses for my daughter to be a bridesmaid, whilst also intimating how hurt my daughter would be to be left out whilst the other nieces were all being included.

I've actually planned 3 weddings now (all to the same fiance - 2 of them were cancelled due to my father's illness and death, the 3rd coming up in 7 weeks and hopefully going off without a hitch). So I do fully understand what it is like being a bride and walking the tightrope trying your best to be as fair as possible and avoid hurting people's feelings, and I know how frustrating and unfair it seems when people have digs at you anyway regardless of your careful planning. But this still seems unfair to me what she's done (and my partner's sisters were both going to be my bridesmaids - more for how happy I knew this would make them then my being bothered too much about who was/was not a bridesmaid). Protect your daughter and see if you can compromise with them, but in a very tactful and delicate way for the sake of social harmony!

Sorry maybe validate their choice and give permission is the wrong thing to say but I just get the impression that they want me to say it's ok. Which I don't really want to do because personally I don't think it is ok. I'd never make a scene about this BTW and I do think it is the bride and grooms right to have the wedding they choose but I just wouldn't feel right about saying it's ok for them to do it. If they go ahead and do it then fine, their choice I wouldn't try and change their mind or anything.

Maybe the bride does feel guilty then and wants you to say something that will let her off the hook then?

Is your brother having much to do with the organising? It woudo be much easier for you to bring it up with him if he's involved. Not so easy if like my dh he was happy to go along with anything I wanted apart from suits and cars.

Ask a third person (your mum, your bro, a friend).

MIL told me that DH niece would love to be a bridesmaid, it hadn't occurred to me, and I was fine with it. I was glad she asked, as I never meant to leave someone out or anything.

I mentioned it to my mum and she agreed that I shouldnt say anything but there was nothing wrong with me privately being miffed. It just feels like my daughter isn't good enough for them and I'm being pushed into saying that it's ok for them to act like that.

Don't say it is ok then if you get pushed into a corner. If you get the chance then say you'd really like your DD to be involved too and at that point offer to pay if that is a sticking point (whilst also smiling sweetly through gritted teeth and concede it's their choice anyway)
I hope your DD gets to be a bridesmaid - every little girl who wants to should get the chance.

can you have a chat with your brother and see how the land lies without interfering and forcing his niece upon the bride and groom?

Can you talk to your brother?
I don't think you're being unreasonable. If the 'rule' is neices, but only from one side then it is going to hurt.

I think I understand what you meant by 'validate' and 'give permission' - basically, they want your blessing to not ask your DD to be a bridesmaid, and you don't want to give it to them.

In this specific respect, I think you are within your rights to have an opinion that differs from theirs (although personally, I'm not sure I agree with it). You shouldn't feel obliged to sanction something you don't believe in, and they can't expect you to do so, either (some brides/grooms can take the whole "it's our day" thing a little too far, sometimes). A polite, mature, agreement to disagree sounds like where this is heading. The key would be to not let it fester afterwards: if you manage it right with your DD, she will get over it in no time, and the worst thing after that would be for you to feel umbrage on her behalf, when she is blithely oblivious!

My DD was the only living relative not invited to my BILs wedding.
We had to suck it up.
It has permanently damaged the relationship - I'm not sure if they fully realise this though. We did try and discuss it - but received a load of abuse from the bride - some tosh about it being unfair to even raise the subject.

I did manage to sneak DS in though - nobody knew I was expecting. That showed them. Mwhahaha.

I would just ask your brother. There's no point being miffed and not doing anything about it. He can only say no. But he'll probably say yes, then your daughter will be over the moon.

I'd be miffed too but I wouldn't want her to be a 'pity' bridesmaid. But then I'm of the cut off my nose school of thought.