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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not say that this is ok?

76 replies

BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 16:24

ok so perhaps IABU, a bit of background first of all.

My brother is my Dads son only, however my Mum and Dad have been together since my brother (now mid 30's) was 18months old, he has never lived with us but he's always just been my big brother, relatively close, he took me to pubs etc before I was old enough to get in and generally has just been a big brother to me. He is now engaged to be married to a nice woman and their wedding is later this year. They have one lovely little boy who I am proud to call my nephew.

Ok so the wedding has been booked for 6 months or so and things are starting to come together,i got married last year so have offered to help in any way I can. Some offers have been accepted, others not, fair enough.

Ok so here is the AIBU, my brothers fiancé has intimated but not actually said out loud that both her sister and brothers daughters (one each) are to be bridesmaids and that is all they can really afford. I have a daughter of 8 and I know she'd be heartbroken if she knew the other bridesmaids were the bride and grooms nieces and she wasn't asked. I get the impression that the bride wants me to say that it's ok to leave my daughter out but I feel strongly that it really isn't ok. If my brother or his fiancé said to me 'We'd really love to have all the girls but we just can't afford it then I'd offer to pay for her dress etc no questions and no strings but I don't feel as though I can offer to do that without it being explicitly confirmed that they'd like her to be a part of the wedding, the same as their other nieces.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

AKMD · 16/03/2012 19:24

YABU. Your DD might be disappointed but I don't think an 8yo should be 'heartbroken' about it. If she was asked and then plans changed, that would be different. Your DD will take her cue from you so it's up to you to manage expectations and act like it's no big deal.

I would be more than irritated if someone offered to pay for their DC's wedding outfit so that they could be part of the wedding party. That's effectively leaving them with no choice but to say yes, whether they want the extra person or not.

This kind of petty silliness is why if I could re-run my wedding DH and I would elope :o

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 16/03/2012 19:24

I wouldn't say that it's ok to her , it does sound like that is what she is hoping for, but I don't think you should try to make it easier on her at the expense of your daughter

I do think she's well within her right to choose her bridesmaids and have the day as she wants it. But with that comes responsibility for her choices and she shouldn't be expecting you to make her feel better about them

DeWe · 16/03/2012 19:49

I can see that your dd would be upset in some ways but I don't think it's the same if the bride is asking her neices. The bridesmaids are there to support the bride. I think unless your dd is close to the other bms then she probably won't really realise that she might have been one.

I had my cousins as bm, and wouldn't have dreamt of asking dh's cousins, and nor would they have expected to be.

Could your dd support the groom? Ring bearer or something?

5Foot5 · 16/03/2012 20:01

YANBU and I think the bride is being a bit mean not to ask her future DHs niece as wellas her own. In fact it sounds like she knows she is really and that is why she keeps trying to jusify it in a roundabout way.

I think most 8yo girls would love to be a bridesmaid and it might be her only ever chance so if I were in your shoes I would feel a bit miffed to

BukimiNoTaniGensho · 16/03/2012 20:07

They are the brides neices, not the grooms. It is quite normal for the bride to have her family members in her wedding party, rather than the grooms.
I don't really see the problem.

nightmusk · 16/03/2012 20:08

I think may has hit the nail on the head.
Bride can make her choices but she needs to 'own' them and I think that saying its OK would let her off the responsibility of causing possible hurt to your DD.

RuleBritannia · 16/03/2012 20:15

I asked my XSTBH's sister if she'd like to be a bridesmaid and she agreed. I also asked my own sister if she would like to be one. I chose a lovely dress for them but my sister refused to wear my choice of dress. She wanted to wear a new one of her choice. I had only one bridesmaid. Guess which one.

Beamur · 16/03/2012 20:15

Yep, spot on may

Original poster

BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 21:26

I agree May, I just hoped I wasn't being completely unreasonable in not wanting to make her feel better about what she wants to do, I'll leave that to her conscience.

OP posts:

cogitosum · 17/03/2012 00:08

I think yanbu at all! A wedding is about families coming together. I wouldn't even have considered not having my dh dns and he had my db and dbil as ushers.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/03/2012 13:06

I don't view weddings as about two families coming together, if I'm honest. I think they are just about two people committing to each other, not necessarily joining each other's extended families. It changes a bit when you have dc, because your Il's are relatives to your children, but for myself, I think of my Il's as dh's family, but not mine.

Am I odd?

OTheHugeManatee · 17/03/2012 13:19

TBH I think it's the bride's prerogative to choose her relatives as bridesmaids, and it's up to her if she wants to leave out the groom's relatives.

I umm'd and ah'd about this when planning my wedding and decided in the end that I wasn't going to have any girl bridesmaids - it's my adult friends only - more from a logistical point of view than anything. But both me and DP were of the opinion that the bridal party is under no obligation to include little girls from the groom's side.

ChaoticAngel · 17/03/2012 13:21

karma that's a loaded question

Wrt two sides of the family coming together...when my DM got married although I considered my SF to be...well my SF I didn't particularly see his family as my family. I've seen them at events my DM and SF have held and I'll speak to them if I bump into them but we don't arrange to see each other iyswim.

OP YANBU the bride has every right to make her own choices but she has to take responsibility for her own choices. It's not your job to take away any guilt she feels, that's her problem. If she does feel guilty maybe she should be asking herself why.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/03/2012 13:23

It might be about families coming together, but from the traditional point of view the joining doesn't happen until the ceremony. Bridesmaids are attendants in the runup to the ceremony, and make an entrance with the bride in her unmarried state; as such there's no obligation to include girls from the groom's side.

babybythesea · 17/03/2012 13:33

I don't think you are BU.
I don't really get the 'bride gets to choose this and if it leaves the groom's family out tough luck' attitude. For me, my wedding was about two of us, me and DH. We chose all the people taking part together - he chose his best man but ushers etc came from both sides (family and friends, his and mine) and I had his two nieces as well as my sister for bridesmaids. I guess I don't understand the idea that some bits are just for the bride to choose, and others just for the groom. It was our big day (not my big day) and we chose everything (apart from my dress!) together.
If no children have been chosen, fine. But to choose kids from one side of the family and not the other is a bit off, I think. And yes, sometimes you get disappointed in life and mostly I think it does kids no harm to learn this. But not in this instance.

But then, although I don't see a wedding as joining his family and mine, I did see it as me joining his family, and him joining mine. Having his nieces as bridesmaids gave some recognition to the fact that they would become my nieces too. And they have. I (now) love them as much as I do my sisters kids. When we married, they were less special to me than my sister - of course they were, I didn't know them as well. But they were incredibly special to DH and so needed to be part of our day. Just because they happened to be girls (so couldn't take part in 'his' party), and born to his side of the family not mine, I don't think was enough reason to exclude them. And six years later, they still talk about it and remember how special it was to them, and how it started a bond between us.

I'm rambling. I'll stop. But hope I've explained it well enough!

agedknees · 17/03/2012 13:35

If the bride is dropping hints that bridesmaids dresses are expensive, maybe she is wanting you to bring the subject of your dd and paying for her dress up?

Mutt · 17/03/2012 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybythesea · 17/03/2012 13:41

Oh, and I think that an 8 yo is more than capable of looking at two other little girls and thinking 'Oh, I would have loved to dress up like them, and be made the same fuss of'. Yes, they can learn to put a brave face on it and your attitude can help but I think it's natural for children to look at what other children are doing and be envious. Especially if they suddenly twig that the other children are nieces as well.

RevoltingPeasant · 17/03/2012 14:55

Hmmm I don't ever want to have a wedding loathe them so I may not be the most impartial, but...... I think YABU, massively.

How do you know the bride is hinting so that you will offer to pay for a bridesmaid's dress? Might she not equally be heading you off at the pass so that you understand that she doesn't want your DD?

Also, I don't see how this is 'being mean to a little girl'. Chances are your DD will have her own wedding - if she wants. This is the bride's wedding. I am not one for fussing over bridezillas but I don't see why one of the most special days of her life should be about humouring an 8yo. Frankly!

Sorry, I don't mean to be nasty, and I don't give a stuff about weddings myself, but if I did and had saved up to have a really special one, I'd be well hacked off about being emotionally blackmailed into putting some child at the centre of my plans, rather than just doing what was special and meaningful to me.

Yes, your DD might be envious and that is a shame, but I doubt she'll be scarred for life - and the idea that 'every little girl should get a chance to be a bridesmaid' as another PP said !! No words.

babybythesea · 17/03/2012 14:59

"Sorry, I don't mean to be nasty, and I don't give a stuff about weddings myself, but if I did and had saved up to have a really special one, I'd be well hacked off about being emotionally blackmailed into putting some child at the centre of my plans, rather than just doing what was special and meaningful to me."

Peasant - what about your DP though? It is supposed to be a special day for him too. Little girls can't join in his 'side' of it but if the children are special to him, isn't that worth something? Would it really ruin a big day to have one extra child walk down the aisle with you?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 17/03/2012 20:33

"my brothers fiancé has intimated but not actually said out loud that both her sister and brothers daughters (one each) are to be bridesmaids and that is all they can really afford."

Without her/your brother saying out loud what their bridesmaids plans are, YABU to get upset. Save your stress for when they've actually said "X and Y are our only bridesmaids". I'd actually see if your mum could ask your brother "what are the bridesmaids plans" since you're already too upset to ask that neutrally.

Original poster

BenedictsCumberbitch · 18/03/2012 04:31

Well I would hardly say it was 'putting some child at the centre of their plans' it would just be about including their niece. I suppose I see things differently about his vs her nieces, to me, nephews on my DH's side were mine also once we were in a serious relationship or if we were together when they were born, not only once we were married, clearly others feel different and that is entirely their right.

It's unfortunately not just a simple case of asking mum to intervene as she is not my brother mum, much as he lives her he has his own mum to interfere in the wedding plans! Might get my Dad on the case though. As you say, no point moaning unless I know for sure.

OP posts:

googietheegg · 18/03/2012 05:30

You can say 'it's just about including their niece' but what you're forgetting is your daughter is just one person connected to their plans.

Maybe there's 'just one aunt' who's miffed she's not sitting in a certain place, or 'just one best friend' who feels let down there's not vegetarian option when the bride knows how important it is to her, or 'just one' ...

You get the point.

This isn't about you or your daughter. I can see that your DD being a bm would be lively, but please don't get all pa about 'not giving your blessing'

By all means if the subject of bms comes up again with the bride/groom say 'if DD was being asked we'd be happy to pay, so maybe your sister won't mind' to make your point, but don't try to push it any more than that.

And letting your daughter grow up to feel entitled won't do her any favours.

googietheegg · 18/03/2012 05:31

Lively = lovely

nooka · 18/03/2012 06:32

I'm the youngest in my family and my friends in general have either been married when we met them or not yet got married, so I've not been to any weddings for a long time but I can't think of any where the bridesmaids were from both families. I expect bridesmaids to be close friends of the bride (equivalent to the best man) plus one or two little girls if there are any in the bride's close family (it certainly didn't cross my mind to ask any of dh's relatives).

It sounds like it would be better if the OP's brother and soon to be SIL decide who is going to be the bridesmaids and let everyone know without the pussyfooting. It might just be that the bride to be hasn't even considered that the OP thinks her dd should be included and is just generally concerned about costs.

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