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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not say that this is ok?

76 replies

BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 16:24

ok so perhaps IABU, a bit of background first of all.

My brother is my Dads son only, however my Mum and Dad have been together since my brother (now mid 30's) was 18months old, he has never lived with us but he's always just been my big brother, relatively close, he took me to pubs etc before I was old enough to get in and generally has just been a big brother to me. He is now engaged to be married to a nice woman and their wedding is later this year. They have one lovely little boy who I am proud to call my nephew.

Ok so the wedding has been booked for 6 months or so and things are starting to come together,i got married last year so have offered to help in any way I can. Some offers have been accepted, others not, fair enough.

Ok so here is the AIBU, my brothers fiancé has intimated but not actually said out loud that both her sister and brothers daughters (one each) are to be bridesmaids and that is all they can really afford. I have a daughter of 8 and I know she'd be heartbroken if she knew the other bridesmaids were the bride and grooms nieces and she wasn't asked. I get the impression that the bride wants me to say that it's ok to leave my daughter out but I feel strongly that it really isn't ok. If my brother or his fiancé said to me 'We'd really love to have all the girls but we just can't afford it then I'd offer to pay for her dress etc no questions and no strings but I don't feel as though I can offer to do that without it being explicitly confirmed that they'd like her to be a part of the wedding, the same as their other nieces.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 16/03/2012 17:21

I wouldn't ask personally if they've discussed the other bridesmaids with you and haven't mentioned your DD - well its pretty clear.

I'd just buy your DD a lovely outfit and rise above it - tis hurtful though.

goonies · 16/03/2012 17:29

I guess yes it is harsh, but having been in a similar position I think it is a bit spineless of your brother to of not thought of his niece when these plans were being made. Any case, it is Thier wedding and though unfair on your daughter I don't think it is anyone's decision to make but Thier own.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/03/2012 17:31

I think the bride has a right to ask the people she feels an emotional connection to, which are her own nieces, but she clearly knows that it would be polite and kind to ask your dd too, hence the desire for you to 'validate' her decision. Unfortunately, she can't have her cake and eat it too - yes, she can choose only her nieces, but she doesn't get to be let off the guilt hook as well.

Deep down, she knows the right thing to do would be to include her fiance's niece too, so if she wants to go ahead with her plans, she will have to live with the feeling that she isn't really doing the right thing.

OriginalJamie · 16/03/2012 17:33

I agree totally with Outraged

I think that you have to be the bigger person here. Your DD will take her cue from you.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 16/03/2012 17:41

My sister had my DD and DS as attendants at her wedding which was lovely. Her DH doesn't have nieces and nephews yet but he has a Godson and Goddaughter who he wanted to include. So they were ring bearers and wore the same clothes as my DCs. Obviously choosing the bridesmaids is up to the Bride but I would expect your brother could suggest that your DC could be a ring bearer as his "side". Would that be something you could suggest to your bro?

avoidinglibelaction · 16/03/2012 17:49

If it was your sister i could understand but there is no reason why the bride should have anyone from the grooms family for her birdesmadis in the same way you wouldn't expect the bride to be involved in the choice of best man or ushers I can understand that you want to be involved and your DD too but it's the brides call and her choice I'm afraid. i wouldn't expect DD to be a bridesmaid at my DBs wedding either.

Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 17:55

Yeah I'll absolutely gloss over the fact to my DD that she isn't included or that these other children are also nieces. She's astute bugger though and I could see her mentioning in that oh so innocent way 'How come they're bridesmaids and I'm not'. I'll be sure to explain that it's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

I could mention it to my brother but I suspect one of two things would happen. He'd either say 'oh yeah of course DD can be a bridesmaid' and then forget to tell his fiancée. Or say 'yes of course she can be bridesmaid' And his fiancée would be unhappy, I'd just really wanted it to come from them which it doesn't appear to be.

Thanks for the perspective.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/03/2012 18:03

You're pretty certain the bride would be unhappy about having your dd then?

If so, I think you have your answer. Even if it is crap for you and dd.

tootiredtothink · 16/03/2012 18:13

The next time she mentions the expense of bridesmaids dresses why don't you suggest she speaks to the parents to ask them to pay for dresses as money is so tight? Obviously saying if it was you then you'd happily pay and wouldn't be offended. Maybe that's what the bride is hinting at?

OriginalJamie · 16/03/2012 18:17

I didn't mean gloss over the facts, but adjust your emotional reaction, just as you would if she were disappointed about something else - like not being invited to a party

PosiePumblechook · 16/03/2012 18:17

I think YANBU, at all.

OriginalJamie · 16/03/2012 18:18

Sorry - I realise what I just posted was redundant. You've already said that.

BTW, I love BC

Threeprinces · 16/03/2012 18:19

YABU - you said the other bridesmaids were picked because thy were related to the bride and groom, but in fact they were picked because they were related to the bride. It is the bride that picks and it should be people close to her.

I had my sister and a good friend, I didn't even have my now stepdaughters. It should be about the bride and her close companions, I never get this thing about the groom's family having any influence over the bridesmaids. The same way I wouldn't expect the bride's brother to be best man unless he really was the groom's closest friend.

I'm sorry but I understand your DD is upset but I think YABU because you're looking at it the wrong way.

PosiePumblechook · 16/03/2012 18:20

I would now go shopping with your DD and buy her the best outfit EVER...

(I'd go for better than the bride!!Wink)

BelleEnd · 16/03/2012 18:22

I think YAB completely unreasonable. Sorry. It's their wedding, and their choice. Bride has made her choice, and she should be allowed to feel that on her wedding day, she can make the choices she wants without causing offence.
HOWEVER I do think that it's a natural reaction for you to be protective of your daughter's feelings, and that very facts make you a nice mum :o

OriginalJamie · 16/03/2012 18:26

Posie

Possibly a long strapless white dress? Grin

along these lines?

OriginalJamie · 16/03/2012 18:29

Bugger link did not work

this?

Floggingmolly · 16/03/2012 18:32

If she keeps hinting that bridesmaids dresses are expensive, etc, sounds like she's giving you an opening to offer to provide a dress for your daughter yourself? I could be wrong, but it would certainly be worth a shot, and she can hardly blame you for asking when she's raised the subject herself several times. Good luck!

nightmusk · 16/03/2012 18:33

YANBU.

Get your DD something beautiful and treat her like a princess.

NeshBugger · 16/03/2012 18:37

YANBU and bite your tongue. It is the bride's right to do as she pleases, but you shouldn't ease her guilt about being a bit mean to a little girl who hb's family and is soon to be hers.

Buy dd something fab to wear for the wedding.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 16/03/2012 18:41

Is your DD close to the bride-to-be?

Im was not close to my exH's nieces so didn't even think about having them really, my own niece I am ridiculously close to and wouldnt consider not having her as bridesmaid. By the same token I wouldnt have expected my exH to have my male family members as his grooms men, he had his own close family for that.

Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 18:45

Ok I guess I think weddings should be about (other than the bride and groom) two families coming together and therefore none of this his side and her side stuff but I appreciate not everybody feels the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 16/03/2012 18:47

Baby I'd say she was pretty close to her, helps me out with babysitting on occasion and I reciprocate, they do spend time together without me there and generally seemed to get on well.

OP posts:
nightmusk · 16/03/2012 19:00

I would have the hump and wouldn't be inclined to let them of the hook easily by saying its OK.
I would have to say that I accept that DD hasn't been chosen but I'm upset for her and concerned over how she'll take it.
I'd tell the truth.I'm done with all this pussyfooting around people lark.

UserNameNotAvailable · 16/03/2012 19:14

YANBU, I agree about the two sides of the family coming together.
I think your soon to be sil is being a bit of a cow by specifically mentioning the other two kids to you. IMO if she wanted your dd to be a bridesmaids and money was an issue surely she would say " we would love {insert your dd name} and my other nieces as bm's but moneys tight blah blah blah" then that gives you the opportunity to offer to buy/not buy the dress but your dd isn';t even mentioned.
I would be seething quietly and would not even ask db about it as I think thats when you get the pity invite or bridezilla throwing a hissy fit that "her day" will be ruined!