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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think some women need to give their DH/DP a kick up the arse

100 replies

chairmanofthebored · 16/03/2012 16:22

This may not end well but here goes.....

I have met so many fed up mums who are doing the lion's share of the childcare, housework and general running of the household, while their DH/DP get let off the hook.

I understand that some men have busy and stressful jobs but so do many women. It seems to me that these men use their jobs as an excuse for general fuckwittery.
I hate to state the bleedin' obvious here but why can't these women just tell their men to pull their fingers out and help? Surely its got to beat continuously moaning about having to do everything?

Of course i know not all men are like this, but what i don't understand is why some women let them get away with it.

OP posts:

IAmBooyhoo · 16/03/2012 16:23

i agree.

thezoobmeister · 16/03/2012 16:25

Given the stuff about F4J going down on MN at present, this thread will not end well

alessthandomesticgoddess · 16/03/2012 16:26

YADNBU.

pictish · 16/03/2012 16:27

Oh but OP - men just don't see mess.
And they need to be told to do things or they won't know.

And other types of excuses that people pedal out to excuse men from pulling their weight.

Yanbu. Gets on my tits as well.

TBE · 16/03/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakirasma · 16/03/2012 16:29

YABU Their relationships are their own business. As long as you are happy with the balance in yours that's all you need to worry about.

Ambrosius · 16/03/2012 16:32

F4J going down on MN arf .

lesley33 · 16/03/2012 16:33

I agree with you OP. Obviously not all men or women are like this. But it does seem to be far too common.

KateSpade · 16/03/2012 16:34

If it was me that had a busy job (I do but live with parents ATM) & a dp that was a house-husband I'd not want to come in after a 12 hour long day & start cleaning, if I'm honest.

If course I'd do my share of weekend cleaning, ect.

Just being honest!

& I've lived in a house where my mum & dad always worked & my dad does all the housework, 100%, just so, no prejudice or anything.

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 16/03/2012 16:34

Even I agree and I think I might even be one of those women...

If DP does something house or child-related without being asked it's usually as a "favour" to me.

Fair enough I'm on mat leave at the moment but when I went back to work full-time after dc1 I continued to do everything because his job is physically demanding and he works more days and more hours than me (all true) but what I actually felt he was saying without saying iykwim was "I earn all the money here so you should be making my home life as comfortable as possible."
He does earn a lot more than me and is very generous with it but this still doesn't sit right with me sometimes.

He is actually better at cleaning than me but his standards are a lot lower as to what needs doing and how often. He genuinely would not care if the house was
a complete tip so I'm fighting a losing battle. Sigh.

noinspiration · 16/03/2012 16:40

Speaking as one of the wives in just such a relationship, do you honestly think we don't try? My DH won't help. Period. To be fair he works horrible hours, and earns a small fortune doing it, so I can see that from his perspective he has done his bit. And no, I don't moan about it to my friends, as how would that help?

I pick my battles. This particular one isn't worth it. He pays for everything, I do everything else... there is a kind of balance there.

pictish · 16/03/2012 16:41

Katie agreed. I don't expect my dh to come in and start cleaning...not at all. He works full time and is tired when he comes in. I expect him to chill for half an hour while I sort out tea.
After tea, I expect him to equally participate in the household regarding childcare and chores - which he does.

gemma4d · 16/03/2012 16:41

You aren't wrong in theory. But do you think it really is just THAT simple, all I have to say is "pull your finger out" and voila! a whole new man?

Actually I have said "pull your finger out or move out" TWICE, and have said much less drastic things many many MANY times. It has varying levels of success but no "whole new man". We have adult conversations about it, but again no whole new man. What do you suggest then since you apparently know how to cure this problem???? Kick him out? Aside from the housework he is a good husband, a good father, and I love him. I'm not going to kick him out. So come on then, solve it for me.....

pictish · 16/03/2012 16:43

And by that, I mean participating equally in getting kids to bed, tidying up after dinner and doing any laundry that needs doing for the morning. Nothing major for two but a lot for one.

MrsHeffley · 16/03/2012 16:46

It depends.

If the dp works long hours in a demanding job and has a commute whilst the other stays at home sorry the one at home should be doing more.

NarkedPuffin · 16/03/2012 16:47

I think that most couples need to look at the division of labour.

MrsHeffley · 16/03/2012 16:48

If both are working out of the home with equal hours then it should be divided equally.

Mrsjay · 16/03/2012 16:49

Mummy martyrs really get on my nerves , I hate all the aww he doesnt do it right blah de blah , what have you married or living with a child > no i didnt think so hes a grown up he can manage

noinspiration · 16/03/2012 16:50

Exactly MrsHeffley

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 16:56

Usually we share things but Im off on matenity leaveand have been for the last 2 weeks. I have probably done about 3 hours of housework this week and that wasnt even all at same time. There isnt really much to really so I have just been mning, playing with dd and going out.

barbigirl · 16/03/2012 16:57

OHHH MYYYY GOODDDDDDD. Okay: Looking after kids all day IS a full time job. You can tell because you can pay people to do for you. It is nigh on impossible to find one person who will look after kids all day and do all the housework.
Therefore kids= a job and housework= another job.

Therefore: If your spouse has another separate job that pays money, that means there are three jobs between two people.

Therefore: Housework is the responsibility of BOTH partners because they are BOTH doing full time jobs.

Personally I think SAHM should refuse to do ANY housework between 9-5 because that is when they are doing the other job of raising a child. If my nursery workers suddenly started hoovering the skirting I would not be happy.

Generally think men in this country take the piss about this including every single liberal left-leaning artsy type I've ever met.

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 17:00

As nursery staff I think the kind of work I do at work and at home is the same. Nursery staff have to tidy up wash up, prepare food, mop up wee/mess etc However I do way more cleaning at work than I do at home. I have never in my life hoovered the skirting though am I meant to?

handbagCrab · 16/03/2012 17:01

I agree op. All these apparently high earning, hard working men that seem incapable of operating a washing machine. I'm of the opinion housework is relentless and thankless and is not complicated so any nt adult should be able to contribute. All this 'he doesn't do it to my standards, bless' is a load of old tosh IMHO.

I'm actually quite surprised how many threads I see where sahms have made the choice to give up work as they earn so much less than their male partners. I feel sad that inequality of earnings seems to be a common thread in the choice women make to give up work. And then they end up doing all the housework etc. as that seems to be the bargain made in the choice not to work. But it seems it wasn't really a choice if the family couldn't afford to live on mum's wage whilst dad stays at home. I don't think I've articulated that well.

NarkedPuffin · 16/03/2012 17:02

There was a thread fairly recently where the OP was a SAHM who said she was happy doing all the domestic stuff and that her husband couldn't cook or work the dishwasher. I said then that if that division works for them, fine, but that I found it hard to understand how someone not being able to do something basic was ok. Everyone should be able to wash clothes and cook, regardless of how often they do it.

All men and women should be able to eg clean a bathroom. It's not difficult. And all men and women should clean up after themselves - if you're an adult and you change your clothes, you hang them up or put them in the washing basket.

Some of this stuff is really infantalising men - suggesting that they can't do it or at least not as well because they're male. That's rubbish. Most things get easier with practice, so if you never chop veg it will take you longer than someone who does it regularly. It's not because of a Y chromosone. My DH is perfectly capable of cleaning the house, cooking, looking after the DCs, washing and ironing. Because he's an adult.

Mrsjay · 16/03/2012 17:05

I dont't think its about a days cleaning after work some men and women dont put the effort in with familiy life , they expect the other person to do it all ,
My dh works weird shifts and long days I wouldnt expect himt o come in and do the tea while hoovering , but making an effort to help out is what most women/men complain and whinge about and it just escalaltes because they are resentful of partners doing nothing,

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