to think some women need to give their DH/DP a kick up the arse

[chairmanofthebored]

This may not end well but here goes.....

I have met so many fed up mums who are doing the lion's share of the childcare, housework and general running of the household, while their DH/DP get let off the hook.

I understand that some men have busy and stressful jobs but so do many women. It seems to me that these men use their jobs as an excuse for general fuckwittery.
I hate to state the bleedin' obvious here but why can't these women just tell their men to pull their fingers out and help? Surely its got to beat continuously moaning about having to do everything?

Of course i know not all men are like this, but what i don't understand is why some women let them get away with it.

I pay our housekeeper for 20 hours a week.

That seems to cover a hell of a lot fo jobs to be honest. The rest we either do on an as and when basis...or we don't do it at all!

My god thats loads I would say ours was about 4/5 hours if you added it together.

It takes me 4 hours just to wash, hang out, bring in, iron and put away the clothes.

She does all the cleaning (including inside cupboards etc), tidying, laundry, ironing and putting away. She feeds and cleans out the chickens. She also collects stuff - prescriptions and dry cleaners etc.

I do 3 loads a day.5mins to put in each time,5 mins to pull out,5 mins to hang it out.I don't iron.

It's hardly drudgery.

How the hell do you make emptying and loading a w/m take 4 hours a day?

We were talking weekly, not daily.

I do 8 loads a week - 2 bedding, 1 towels, 2 darks, 1 delicates, 1 coloured, 1 white. That is 15 mins per load, 2 mins to put in, 8 to hang out, 5 mins to put away. The other 2 hours is ironing, about half of which is school uniform - 10 school shirts plus pleated skirts, trousers, jumpers and blazers.

Sorry for hijacking this thread. I should probably start my own in another section!

Lower your standards until they break. They always do, in the end.

No sex! I am sure some men would pull their finger out!

Yes, pictish that was my point, if you were referring to me. Of course children are a joint responsibility, but would i come home and do the housework after a really long day at work? No, would i hell.

I wouldn't expect my partner to do everything either, tbh, i just leave things till the weekend, when i felt like it. Washing up, shoving washing in the machine not included, but what do people do that takes so long cleaning up everyday. Once a week big clean, yes i understand, but everyday?

I have an auntie like that, her house is pristine, (my house isn't filthy by any stretch of the imagination) but its like Bree of Desperate Housewives. My mum says even when her children were little, everything was the same, in its exact place, pristine, shiny. How she did that i don't know.
Even has its own lovely smell, so much that when she's looked after my daughter for the day, she comes home smelling like her house too.

I wouldn't marry a man that expected a woman to be concentrating on Him & home, tbh. Like Jasper said.

I don't think it's a matter of men expecting women to clean up after them, it''s more of a matter of men just not regarding a spotlessly clean house as being that important. The homes of single men generally aren't as clean as those of single women. Obviously child care is a different matter and men should be pulling their weight there. But I don't expect my husband to do anything he wouldn't do himself were I not there.

And if they refuse? Is that grounds to leave the bastard?

People never seem to be able to offer such women practical advice to change that though.

Yeah, because sex is some kind of commodity to be earned or witheld

Heaven forbid that it might actually be a mutual way to express love and enjoyment!

(I know that was a joke hence the exclamation marks, but it annoyed me.)

OP. I did exactly what you suggest in your OP. I would never put up with being treated like that. However - there IS a drawback to not being a doormat that will just roll over and accept being treated like a skivvy. My Ex-P left me, rather than pull his weight and take on his fair share of the work.

I am now a Lone Parent struggling to financially cope with the loss of £938 a month, or £700 a month once my Ex-P pays the maintenance.

So I may not have anyone treating me like a doormat any more, but I also don't have that extra £700 a month coming into my household any more.

It's a shit world, when you either have to cope with it being deemed acceptable to recieve just £238 maintenance, which in no way covers a financial loss of £938 a month, or to put up with being treated like a skivvy whose sole purpose in life is to do the shit-work for a man.

Tethers - they DON'T always break, in fact, my Ex-P did a wonderful number on me, like leaving his dirty washing piled at the top of the stairs, when we have two dc with physical problems, that would be unable to step around it safely without falling down the stairs, meaning that he KNEW I would HAVE to crack in some way (yes, by putting them on HIS side of the bed!).

He would get in from work and start SHOUTING about how dirty the house was (Actually, his standards were higher than mine, yet I was expected to keep the house clean to HIS spec, without him DOING any of the work)

And I probably do between 3-4 loads of washing a DAY. And we got through 18 plates a day alone when Ex-P lived here. And 2 frying pans and 2 saucepans when cooking dinner. And at LEAST 5 15 cups. Washing up was probably our biggest flashpoint - because we BOTH hated it, and my house has nowhere to plumb a dishwasher in. He wanted me to get rid of the wahsing machine and personally handwash EVERYTHING so that I never expected him to wash up again. He only had to do 1/3 of the washing up anyway - it had to be done 3 times a day, I did it twice, I expected him to do it once.

The poster who said there are 3 options, I kind of agree with you.

1. Do nothing, and seethe with resentment.
2. Stop doing the housework too, and see how long it is before your dc are removed for neglect by Social Services.
3. Set an ultimatum of start doing your fair share of housework or leave. And stick to it.

To clarify - I don't do the washing up 3 times a day because I'm houseproud far from it, but because we run out of plates otherwise!

Agree completely with the OP.

I'll probably get flamed for this but my DH works FT and I'm a SAHM (although in part time study) but we split all housework and childcare 50/50. That's because it's our house and they are our children and him having a penis doesn't make him incapable of domestic stuff. Luckily he's a fantastic husband who agrees with all that.

neither of us do very much at all

we live a slovenly existance and thats fine most of the time

I think men have the right idea about housework.

Far too much unnecessary housework is done.

I lived with someone who had far higher standards of housework than me, I was expected to rise to their standards. I shudder to think how much time was wasted.

After 5 years on my own, housework is now reduced to a bare minimum.

I'm much happier.

Boys having a penis has nothing what so ever to do with this.

My sister is the main breadwinner in her house.Many men are stay at home parents(we know several).

Only the most selfish and I'm afraid lazy partner would expect somebody to do a full time job and commute along with all the stress it involves then expect them to come home and do 50% of the housework when the other member of the partnership is at home 24/7.

Kids(boys and girls) need to grow up knowing what basic life skills are not that life entails 24 hour full on entertainment.There is far more benefit in a pre-schooler being involved with general household chores than continual soft play sessions.

Doing the basics re housework is more than possible to do with young children at home,I managed it and had 3 the same age.My boys now know how to sort washing,cook,hoover and to tidy their rooms.They don't think the house fairy does it all for them or the main breadwinner after he/she has staggered home after work and they are in bed.

In life thinking of others and basic life skills are extremely important.Teaching kids that I'm just not going to do something to spite the other partner even though I have more than enough time doesn't teach them good relationship skills either.

Also half an hour to an hour a day is all it takes to run most households.If you can't fit that in with your kids or your kids are incapable of fending for themselves for that length of time on a daily basis one would question what the hell you do all day.

To refuse to do such a small amount daily at the expense of precious family time in the evenings and at the weekends is very shortsighted imvho.

I have a friend whose house is spotless. Absolutely immaculate, even the DC's rooms. They also always look like they just stepped out of a fashion catalogue - no juice down fronts or wild hair from hanging upside down from a tree or something. It's scary and I ask myself how do they do it? Our place is a dump "lived in" you might say. And the boys need a bath clothes and all at the end of the day. I feel embarassed by it compared to people with such high standards.

No, it would be very selfish of my DH to come home from work at 5pm and then do nothing while I continue to cook, bath and put children to bed, sort lunches etc for the next day, clean the kitchen and then do my four hours of studying. All while he sits in glfront of the TV.

FWIW, until having my youngest, I studied FT, worked two jobs and raised two DCs. DH had his job. We still did a 50/50 split then too. So I'm not lazy, I'm just lucky enough to have an equal partnership.