to think some women need to give their DH/DP a kick up the arse

[chairmanofthebored]

This may not end well but here goes.....

I have met so many fed up mums who are doing the lion's share of the childcare, housework and general running of the household, while their DH/DP get let off the hook.

I understand that some men have busy and stressful jobs but so do many women. It seems to me that these men use their jobs as an excuse for general fuckwittery.
I hate to state the bleedin' obvious here but why can't these women just tell their men to pull their fingers out and help? Surely its got to beat continuously moaning about having to do everything?

Of course i know not all men are like this, but what i don't understand is why some women let them get away with it.

I see BG's point. I would find it odd if somebody in a nursery started doing her DH's ironing or cooking his dinner during her working day.

And I don't think that young children (under two years) should be learning to entertain themselves. They need lots of adult interaction.

DD was in nursery. They had a cleaner and a cook. So the staff were not doing the equivalent of cleaning and cooking for a household while at work. They also got two days off a week.

I think it depends how many children you have and how old they are.

It is dismissive. And it's something that filters through to children as well. If they see it as normal for the mother to do everything they are more likely to carry that through into their adult relationships.

It's pretty standard now that both adults will work outside the home by the time the children start at school. It's illogical for one person to be responsible for the majority of domestic work when both WOH.

It's kind of cobblers, yes because obviously kids don't need undivided attention. But it's useful to think about in the context of the 'do I have a job?' debate.

Rather than instantly dismiss it, think about how much it would cost to employ someone to do all the work you do. Then tot up your hours, then decide whether division is equal. You seem pretty sure it is and comfortable with it so that's great.

For mrs H, obvs.

My DH will do anything I ask, but I have made the choice (and it is a choice for me) to be a WAH mum (work when DS naps) and therefore I do the lions share of the cleaning and tidying.

BUT I stop when DH comes in, and we share the bath/bed routine - whoever isn't doing the bedtime book sorts our dinner out. After that, we either both get stuck in, or we both stop working.

Weekends, we both do stuff or, more often, neither of us do anything bar cook, stack dishwasher, empty dishwasher and so on.

It works well for us - especially as he doesn't moan if I decide to do bugger all and take time for me when DS naps.

I just don't get why it's such a big deal to some people.

My household was based on me working full time and DP being a SAHD. He did the majority of the chores and I helped when I could (I worked shifts, so sometimes was free all day, others I would have to work, sleep and go straight back to work again).

I am now at home due to a newly acquired disability which means that I physically can't do any of the chores I could before. I can't bend down to load the washing machine. I can't stand to do the dishes. DP has taken over these jobs with no fuss because he knows I help when I can.

He didn't know how to use the washing machine so I showed him. It wasn't an issue. If there's something he doesn't know how to do (eg washing fragile clothes) he'll ask. We are a partnership. I don't think we've ever sat down and said, you need to do this, I'll do that. We just do/did what we can when we can and the rest is good until tomorrow.

Errr children do need to learn how to amuse themselves,it's an important skill and you can spot the ones who can't do it a mile off once they start school.

All 3 of mine learnt before 2,it's how they further their imagination and explore the world around them. Spoon feeding children from a young age and constantly entertaining them does them no favours.

Some women are happy to leave toddlers to "entertain themselves" so they can cater to their husband's needs all day.

That's up them, but it's certainly not what I would consider a good use of my time, even if I didn't work.

If I were at home, I would be there to look after my children, not to clean up after a grown man.

But then there is a woman on this thread who thinks a SAHM taking her child out to a coffee shop rather than staying at home to clean the toilet is taking the piss.

A lot of women really buy into the idea that it just makes more sense for women to do everything, and it's just a weird coincidence that there are vanishingly few male skivvies debasing themselves to make sure their earning partner knows how important and powerful they are for having a job.

I suppose if you get your sense of self-worth from being the subservient one who makes the important man's life easier with your efficient attentions to housework, it must be annoying to know that other women think you are an idiot looking after a lazy dick.

So what are the symptoms of a child who hasn't been left to amuse themselves as a baby? How do you know which school age children were 'spoon fed' as babies?

Oh, and people always remark on how good my children are at playing independently, but I haven't had to ignore them in favour of housework to achieve that.

I do the majority of our housework. It really pisses me off. DHs entitled attitude to sit on his arse doing nothing while I cook, clean etc drives me mad. However... I don't want to argue endlessly. I've tried everything I can think of to try and resolve the issue. Nothing does resolve it.

So, my choices are:

1. Put up with it grudgingly and make regular moanings and rumblings about it (which is what I do)
2. Try to challenge it which ends up in massive fight as DH is as stubborn as a mule.
3. Leave. Which I have no intention of doing.

I think that these people that criticise other women for putting up with it have husbands that are tidy/willing themselves and have never had to live with someone who is messy and stubborn in their resistance to doing housework

I'm trying to work out which of my children's faults are caused by talking to them and reading to them rather than scrubbing the floor.

I bet the reason that DS is useless at rugby is because I didn't ignore him enough when he was little.

I'm a sahm. DP works long hours and it involves travelling. When I did work he was earning 15x my salary and I do appreciate that his job means we can afford for me to stay at home.

I only mention how much more he earns to illustrate that it means fuck all in terms of division of labour when we're both home.

When I'm home I do everything. When we're both home it's 50/50.

He will come home after 13 hours+ out of the house and walk straight in and bath the baby.

I'll sort out the dishes while he's doing that. He gets the baby out and then rallies the other kids into tidying up, into pjs etc while I finish the kitchen.

He does the weekly food shop.

I do the laundry as I'm here all the time.

I iron the youngest 3 clothes, he does his work stuff, oldest dc irons his own uniform.

We both get stuff done so that we both have the same amount of time off after they've gone to bed.

We chose to have dc. We both live in the house. We are both responsible for the dc.

I could not be in a relationship with, or have any respect for someone who thought that their responsibility to their family ended with earning the money.

I wouldn't have married someone who expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning.

I would simply never have married, letalone had children with, a man who didn't take equal responsibilty around the house and with child care.

My dh works FT, I work 15 hours per week. He has always done the lion's share of everything.

I agree that only on Mumsnet do people seem to do so much housework, your standards must be so high . Floors do not need to be hoovered every day (and then someone will say, yes but we have a dog - well, that's a decision you made then), clothes do not have to be washed every time they are worn etc etc. I genuinely can't understand why so many of you get so flustered about housework yet continue to do so much, I rarely do more than 5 15 minutes a day on average (and I don't go out to work - far better things to do with my time) ..... just how long does it take to clean a toilet ?

Clothes I talked and read to my dc(who are all amazing readers as a result) I most certainly didn't do it 24/7 though.

I managed to read massive amounts of books to my 3 and I talked continuously to them.I also managed to do the odd bit of housework tookids love to help.

In fact due to the odd jobs they always helped me with round the house I think my boys will make fab SAHP if needs be.

clothesofsand - loads of nurseries dont have cleaners or cooks the staff do it

Thing is, few men suddenly become useless fuckwits who cant/won't pull their weight overnight, these woman dated, lived with, married and had DC with men who seem to have an attitude that being in a relationship let's them off doing any chores (as if they lived alone they'd have to come home, cook and clean it up if they wanted to eat/live in a clean home/have ironed shirts for the following day), then suddenly after years these woman are surprised that men who saw housework as 'woman's work' and have been allowed to live that way, suddenly don't want to do anything to help round the house.

My advice is far to late, it's don't marry a fuckwit in the first place, you might be able to live with it pre-DCs, but after having DCs it will grind you down and it'll be hard to leave.

Rag I agree both dp and I do buggar all to be frank.

I don't like dirty loos and we plough the carpet daily but errr aside from emptying the w/m and washing up after tea what else do people do that takes all these hours of drudgery?

My DH hates cleaning and said at the outset of our marriage that this was the way things were going to be. However, the upside is that because he earns well we have a cleaner. The times she has not been able to come our marriage has descended into a bitching fest of who did what and why he felt hard done by (in fact he quite likes telling me how hard done by he is because he does the food shopping). I find it really hard to deal with him these times, so I (try to) just let him have his rant.

At the end of the day - I knew what he was like when I married him, I had been living with him for two years but there are actually some things that are more powerful than someone who is a bit of pita around the house.

Well obviously a baby can't help empty a washing machine. DD didn't walk until she was 2, and even if she could, I very much doubt the nursery workers would have had her helping them empty a washing machine.

Are you going to tell us what these supposed problems are of children who are not left to entertain themselves enough before the age of 2?

And we're not talking about the odd bit of housework; we're talking about a woman doing almost all the housework because she is a SAHM.

I agree with others who have said it how much housework actually is there? I think everyone here must either live in mansions or be cleaning obsessed

It's not the woman's fault if her dh/dp isn't doing his fair share. It is the dh/dp's fault (and he may well regret it one day, like my stbxh).

Could all lazy dh/dps please give themselves a kick up the arse? And stop giving the non-lazy men a bad name.

Thanks.

I reckon there is 20 hours a week in our house, Molly. Our house is not very clean by most people's standards, but that is down to dogs and solid fuel heating, both of which create dirt.

In our house, DH cooks and shops (which I reckon takes 5 hours) and me and the two kids do 5 hours a week each.