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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mistrust dh?

81 replies

BuiltForComfortNotSpeed · 14/03/2012 14:17

Dh is going on a stag night soon to a distant city. I expect that there will be lots of drinking and general male bonding which is all fine and dandy and quite the whole purpose of a stag I guess. However I am bothered about him going to a lap dancing club with others, which is how that group of men seem to roll. I am really uncomfortable with this, which he knows about, and which we had a massive argument about last year when it took place on another stag do. I can see that he would look a complete tool if all the others went in but he said "sorry chaps, not coming in, my wife won't let me, I'll see you back a the hotel" but at the same time I do not believe him when he says that he doesn't pay for the private dances, just has a bit of a giggle about how seedy it is with the other like minded blokes he may happen to be with and enjoys in a male way how embarrassed the stag gets.

I know it's not healthy to mistrust him like this, but he hides his porn use from me by using InPrivate browsing on laptop (his argument is that he knows i dont like him using porn, but its something that all men do and so hes actually being quite respectful by not flaunting it) and so I wonder what else he hides.
AIBU?

OP posts:
fabwoman · 14/03/2012 14:18

Not all men look at porn.

If you don't want him to go I don't think it is out of order to say you don't want him too.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/03/2012 14:20

I would feel the same as you OP although I am gay so it would be my DP going to a lap dancing club too IYSWIM! I also understand that your DH might feel a certain amount of peer pressure and I suppose if you DO trust that he is going along with it to be sociable but not to actively participate then it might be ok but I still think it is grim.

Original poster
BuiltForComfortNotSpeed · 14/03/2012 14:28

Cherries I think that's it- I don't trust that its only the being sociable bit. Because he so blithely hid his porn use for ages, and still does it even though he knows it upsets me, I think he could probably do all manner of things and justify it to himself as long as I didn't find out.

OP posts:
PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 14:32

Not all men look at porn. Your husband is not being considerate by not flaunting it.

Everyone is different and has different views on these things, but you should not be forced to alter your feelings about these issues because your husband refuses to consider altering his behaviour.

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 14/03/2012 14:42

I agree not all men like porn at all.

I don't think you can tell him to change his feelings on these if you're not willing to change your feelings about them iyswim.

Maybe they'll all just pay for the stag to have a lap dance. Its quite common to do that.

IMHO You have more underlying problems here if there is no trust.

Maybe it is something that you'll have to agree to disagree on.

I don't think its fair to ask him not to go as all the party members will be going. If he was the instigator of going then you could well be right to tell him not to go but if he's just going because everybody is then it would be unfair.

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 14:49

Not all men like porn, no. But most of them would become sexually aroused if receiving a lap dance.

My DH doesn't like porn and disagrees with the sexual entertainment industry. He once broke of a good friendship with someone who invited him to a 'gentlemen's club' and was completely shocked by it. He said he couldn't get past the thought that it was someone's wife, daughter, mum, sister... and wondering what else was going on in their life to make that really their best shot at a career.

But I still wouldn't want him to go to one.

Impatientwino · 14/03/2012 14:50

there's a HUGE difference between porn on your laptop in the privacy of your own house and going to a lap dancing club IMO.

I hate the idea of my DH going to a lap dancing club but regularly watch porn with him, and sometimes when he's not there too I watch it myself!

Your issue is not porn, not a lap dance but trust really which is a whole other can of worms...

My way of looking at stag dos is that, as a woman you have no control over it, it is over and done with in a weekend - he knows how you feel about it so you can do no more.

Make plans with a girl friend to drink too much wine or whatever while he is away and do your best to forget about it, it will only eat you up otherwise...

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 14:56

Fucking hell, I just would never do the 'don't think about it' routine, that is door mat behaviour.

Either you are happy for him to do it, with all in entails or you are not happy, with all that that means.

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 14:57

The thing is, my DH and I don't seek to control each other and for that reason if one of us has the opportunity to do something that the other one really objected to for some reason, we'd respect that.

It's never come up in 13 years though.

But a lap dancing club or similar would be in there.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 15:03

Folkgirl - am I understanding right, do you mean the one who was invited would respect the views of their partner and this would affect their choice whether to accept/decline?

Impatientwino · 14/03/2012 15:03

I'm not a doormat - far from it in fact!

I just wonder what the point is in arguing over and over again with someone when you fundamentally disagree with each other and neither of you is going to change your viewpoint!?

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 15:07

PullUpAPew yes.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 15:07

I guess if you don't agree and it doesn't matter to you then no need to argue - surely in that case just like choosing tea over coffee?

But I'm thinking the OP does care what he does, so why should she just put up with it?

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 15:08

Although it's never come up because I think we're both pretty sensitive to/and aware of each other's position on things.

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 15:09

I don't think she should!

I think he should respect her feelings and if she feels that strongly about it then it's one of those things he should pass up on.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 15:12

Folkgirl ok, that is basically what I am also saying, this is not about whether porn/lap dancing is right/wrong but that there probably needs to be respect about the partner's dislike, if it is something that upsets one partner - which it clearly does in this case.

Did that even make sense??

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 15:13

I didn't express myself very well!

Ordinarily, I don't subscribe to partners telling each other what they can and can't do.

But if someone says "I'm really not comfortable about X happening" then their partner has an obligation to respect their feelings about that.

There are certain things you give up when you get married, and if your partner wants you to "forsake all others" then you should!

TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 15:14

It did! Seems we think the same. I'm not having a very coherent afternoon!

Impatientwino · 14/03/2012 15:14

fair point pullupapew, I just think it's a trust issue at the end of the day and if you don't have trust then you have a lot to discuss which is the root issue here.

Like folkgirl, my dh and I have a very honest relationship and if he knew something made me uncomfortable I just don't think he would do it - however I wouldn't command it, I trust him to make his own judgement.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 15:14

folkgirl I think I am answering you and impatientwino at the same time and crossing over, not helped by my mum pestering phoning!

I agree with nick folkgirl.

vintagewarrior · 14/03/2012 15:17

I honestly cannot understand why any of you care about it?
It's only a night out, none of these women will see him again, take his number etc... I'd be more worried if he was going to local pick up joints where he is very likely to snog / shag someone.

Also the porn thing, aside from objectifying women, who cares if he has a jiggle over porn? Saves you a job once a week no?

Is it low confidence? Don't you feel as attractive as these women, because trust me a lot of them are actually dog rough close up!

I really do t think you should ever "not allow" hubbies, best way to make them lie / run for the hills in my experience!

NiniLegsInTheAir · 14/03/2012 15:19

I'm a bit torn with this one - I made it very clear when DH went on his stag do that he was not to go to a lap dancing club AT ALL, I hate them. It wasn't until after our wedding that I discovered that not only had he gone to one, one of the working girls there pulled his pants down and chased him round in front of his friends who all saw his wang! Hmm. I'm still not happy about it now but what are you supposed to do after the wedding?!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some men will do what they want on their stag do because it is THEIR stag do, OP is your DH one of those guys? If he is, you have 2 choices really, ignore it or turn it into a deal-breaker.

HalfPastWine · 14/03/2012 15:19

It shouldn't come down to 'allowing' them. If they know the action they are doing is likely to distress you then surely they should think twice before going ahead.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 15:24

vintagewarrior -sorry you see sex as a job Sad

Pontouf · 14/03/2012 15:36

I think all you can do is explain coherently and calmly why you really don't want him to go.
Explain how it makes you feel and why in a calm, sensible way. I'd also explain the importance of honesty and how trust and respect are the foundations of a relationship. Have a think about ways he could avoid going without having to say his wife "won't let him". I think a lot of these issues are about men worrying about losing face.
Then leave it. If he chooses to go ahead and do it anyway then that's his decision. You can't make him do what you want any more than he can make you do what he wants.

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