to mistrust dh?

[BuiltForComfortNotSpeed]

Dh is going on a stag night soon to a distant city. I expect that there will be lots of drinking and general male bonding which is all fine and dandy and quite the whole purpose of a stag I guess. However I am bothered about him going to a lap dancing club with others, which is how that group of men seem to roll. I am really uncomfortable with this, which he knows about, and which we had a massive argument about last year when it took place on another stag do. I can see that he would look a complete tool if all the others went in but he said "sorry chaps, not coming in, my wife won't let me, I'll see you back a the hotel" but at the same time I do not believe him when he says that he doesn't pay for the private dances, just has a bit of a giggle about how seedy it is with the other like minded blokes he may happen to be with and enjoys in a male way how embarrassed the stag gets.

I know it's not healthy to mistrust him like this, but he hides his porn use from me by using InPrivate browsing on laptop (his argument is that he knows i dont like him using porn, but its something that all men do and so hes actually being quite respectful by not flaunting it) and so I wonder what else he hides.
AIBU?

Thanks everyone for your input. To be clear, I would never "forbid" him to go anywhere- nor him me- and my OP was not about whether or not I should ask him not to go, but whether it was reasonable of me to feel mistrustful of him. I wondered whether I am being paranoid about this whole thing. Still not decided.

We do have a number of other issues, points to those posters who spotted that one. One of the most straightforward to explain is that there is no "family money" as he refuses point blank to pool our finances despite me repeatedly asking for this. He has a high but irregular income as he is self employed and manages to argue that it isn't sensible for us to pool our incomes (I work part time) So he won't be spending "our" money as there isn't any!

You work pt, presumably doing childcare on your days at home and facilitting him working ft, and he won't pool your money?

That's a much bigger problem than going to a lap dancing club.

*facilitating

have you ever been to a lap dancing club?

You might change your view point, it is a place where effectively woman take the piss out of men for money, men are not allowed to touch only watch, if they even go for a cheeky fumble they will be chucked out by the bouncers.

Unfortunately this is not always the case. In some clubs in Manchester the guys are encouraged to do so and it is overlooked by the bouncers. I suspect it's like this in many venues.
In places like Budapest, Bratislava etc you are allowed to touch the girls.

and ..

charbon We have got to do something - all of us - to stop this culture of men thinking that they are entitled to sexual titillation/services on a night out.

I totally agree with you.

He does begrudgingly pay for joint stuff if I ask him, but has waaay more disposable than i do. (for example he was thinking of buying £3500 worth of bits and pieces for his hobby soon without a bat of an eyelid (from him!) But he wants us to extend our house (i admit it would be a nice thing but for the following reason do not want to) to do so wants us to take out a joint loan- which I can't afford. I have told him this but he is unwilling to put any more towards it.

Paranoid?

You're not paranoid, but you ARE downtrodden and the more you post about this man, the more I intensely dislike him.

What you've told us so far is that he keeps you short of money, is mean, is rubbish in bed, lies to you, uses porn, thinks it's acceptable for him and his mates to pay for sexual titillation on a night out, wants to spend an extortionate amount of money on his hobby and wants you to pay half of a loan for something he wants to do to the house, even though he earns far more than you.

Does he pull his weight around the house? Have you got children with him? How much childcare does he do?

What on earth are you getting from a relationship with him?

He just sounds awful OP, but what's even sadder is that you thought this might be just you being unreasonable. Your radar about what's acceptable in a relationship is grossly distorted.

It doesn't have to be like this. Most men really aren't like this.

Oh OP it sounds like there's a few problems. I can't really offer any more advice but maybe move this to relationships and somebody better can help

Right, he's a twat, then, yes?

That is a bigger problem. Time to think about how and where you want your life to go. You only get one of them!

The stag weekend thing... as far as I can see, he's reaping what he's sowed, isn't he? Which is mistrust. Because he hides things from you if he thinks you won't like them. So you're pretty sensible really to assume that it's perfectly possible that he'll get a dance, etc.

Not family money? I think that if you split, and you have children, he'll soon find out that quite a fucking lot of it is family money.

Perhaps your next discussion could remind him of that. Does he want a family? He does, but doesn't want it to compromise his 'single man' fun money income?

Start putting the foot down. Joint money. Or no more meeting him halfway, or going more than halfway - on ANYTHING.

He does sound like a shit, though.

He does have good points! He way you say it charbon makes him sound horrible. He's not - he can be very sweet.
We have 2 dc, 7 and 4, and he's quite good with them. Although I do worry that his materialistic "money is kIng"'approach will wear off on them. Eg our current home (of 2 yrs) is lovely and I never thought we would be ablest achieve living somewhere as pretty. BUT- The only reason he wants to extend is so its even bigger and his friends and family will be impressed. I do not want to live here any more- it's too big for me to keep clean and tidy whilst working too, he won't allow a cleaner, plus it's in the middle of nowhere and I miss being close to people in the town we used to live in. Cash talks to him whereas I would rather have less bling and more time with the kids! But. This is his dream home, thought I could make it mine too but it just isn't.

I'm no saint either- I do hide things from him too. Eg a loan I had to take out when on mat leave, he doesn't know about this as he would hit the roof.

You had to take a loan out because he's tight. You're right you shouldn't have hidden it from him, but it's not for him to hit the roof if he wasn't going to be paying it back. And what's this about he 'won't allow' a cleaner? He's not your master.

The best things you've got to say about him is that he's 'quite good' with his own children and that he 'can be very sweet'. But in the same post you add even more faults and to add to the others, we now learn that he's a poser who likes to boast about having visible wealth.

It needs asking again. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Do you feel loved, cherished and does he nurture you and all your aspirations?
Does he look for ways to make your life easier and surprise you with small kindnesses that mean a lot? Does he ask you questions and really listen to your thoughts and views? Does he regard you as equal partners? Does he respect you and show this to you and others? Is he proud of you for the person you really are, rather than as a reflection of his success? Does he really know you and get you? Would he be able to recall all the things you loved and hated? Your childhood dreams and memories?

At the moment charbon I am not getting very much at all. I agree. But I am aware of how mean spirited his dad was when h's parents divorced 10 years ago (he had additional assets he didn't let h's mum know about in divorce settlement) and I hate knowing how pleased he would be to squirrel away all his assets in the same way. Which sounds like I am staying just to spite him! It's not that. Thankfully, although I have a part time job it is well paid and I am very fortunate to know that I can earn nearly an average full time wage by doing pt time hours. So I can support dc and i alone, without him (I would expect that he would try and minimise the amount of money he declared as income to avoid maintenance payments). But I keep hoping he might surprise me and change, and our relationship might have even one of the things in your last paragraph. But I don't thnk it is, really. I might have been blinded by love for my family and wanting to stay together as a unit but I am not stupid. Well, not entirely.

Builtfor
My heart has dropped into my stomach over your last few posts. Please try and get this moved into relationships and if you don't do anything else off the back of this, start photocopying anything you can get your hands on in regards to his finances, without him noticing. His weekend away would be a perfect oppurtunity.

I actually would be OK with my boyfriend going to a lap dancing club as a one-off, and I'm a feminist. It took me a long time to realise this, and I know that it sounds like a contradiction, but I really understand peer pressure, and as a one off event that would be OK. I am also OK - not exactly happy, but OK - about him watching porn sometimes - but openly using InPrivate browsing is a bit gross. If he was truly being respectful of you he either wouldn't use porn or make damn sure you didn't KNOW he was using it, IMO. I personally hate that sort of thing but I make the compromise with him. However we don't have children so you could say I'm at a different (less mature) stage of life.

But I feel that, as much as strip clubs are a big issue for some women, this isn't the problem. From your other posts it seems that your issues go much deeper and this weekend with the boys is exacerbating your other problems - which maybe need dealing with before anything else.

Builtfor, forgive me if my post was a little irrelevant, or just ignore it! I spent ages replying and didn't post for a while so didn't realise the discussion had moved on.

redwine- not irrelevant! Thank you for taking time to respond.

The "run for the hills" advice sounds so appealling But i thought relationships weren't all plain sailing- everyone says how much hard work marriages are. Is feel like I was giving up :(

half past

Im shocked that goes on in Manchester, all the clubs in edinburgh/glasgow nothing like that would be allowed to go on, as i know a lot of the dancers and bouncers.

Healthy and loving relationships are never this hard OP. You've learnt a very damaging lesson if you believe that people should stay in a relationship at all costs. They shouldn't. The cost is often too great and too much. The damage is long-lasting, to adults and children. It's not irreversible though if you get out of the relationship, but the first step is recognising the damage and realising the only things you can change are your behaviour and actions. That none of us has the power to change someone else. That's a battle we can never win and so it's not about admitting defeat because winning is impossible. It's about recognising that staying means 'giving up' on you and the children, whereas leaving is 'giving up' on a pointless quest. It really is that stark a choice.

One day, when you are in a different relationship with a different person, you will see that the things I listed are the norm in a loving relationship with someone who truly values and cares for you. You will be astonished that you once thought those things were unattainable for you.

Oh, OP, this sounds so much more than just a debate over a lap dance now!

I really think it sounds horribly hard work.

Maybe it is time to look at the bigger picture? To me hidden porn use, financial control/conflict issues, lying about lap dancing etc all add up to not much fun.

Do you know what, if you genuinely believe he is the type of man who would try to minimise his maintenance payments to his children, you would be better off without him anyway, because that is just not a good sign about someone's character.

Agreed, not all men look at porn... but most men do, and I would probably say if they don't, they aren't telling you the truth.

I do love it though, that how some people here think that their DH don't look at porn or even interested, mind you given some of the reactions on here, there is probably a good reason why they don't say they do.

YANBU, porn isn't something that all men somehow 'must' use. They make a choice whether to use it or not and saying otherwise is a cowardly non-argument. I would go ballistic if I found that my DH was using porn and would consider it as infedelity. He knows that and agrees with me.

If he goes on the stag night there's no reason why he 'has' to go to a lap dancing club. If he didn't, I'm sure he would find that it wasn't just him not going. It's the same as any peer-pressure induced behaviour; once one person says they aren't comfortable with it, it turns out that a lot of their peer group aren't either but just didn't have the courage to say anything before.

It does sound like you have a lot of trust issues in your relationship though. I think you need to come clean about the loan asap for a start.

I don't think marriage should be hard work. Yes, there may be tough times, you may argue and struggle to find acceptable compromises, but it should not be a consistent state of hard work, if that makes sense.

What would happen if you told your DH you wanted to have some relationship counseling?

It sounds like you two are on very different pages on a number of issues sex, money, lifestyle which are actually quite fundamental to a marriage.

I can see why you don't want to just give up, but in that case I'd really suggest counseling.

If he won't agree to it which I suspect he wouldn't then I think you have to seriously question staying with him.

I would send DH off on a stag do with 100% trust, and I think every woman deserves to have that. I don't think you should minimise this at all or let yourself be convinced by 'boys will be boys' arguments.

FFS, is it really so hard to believe that not all men like porn?

And that the women who object to porn, marry men who don't like porn? And thus can actually trust them when they say they don't use it?

I was friends and flatmates with my DH for a long time before we started dating. I know for a fact he does not like or use porn.

My DP can take it or leave it, porn - he would probably be too shy to go to a lap club anyay. We watch porn together and i do know that he watches it alone too, because one night i came home to find him watching it on the lap top - i was quite drunk, sat down next to him thinking wayhay - all the movement on the screen made me throw up!

Exactly dreaming I've known my DH since I was 15. We didn't start going out until we were 25 and married at 33 (I think!). I also know for a fact that he does not like or use porn.