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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mistrust dh?

81 replies

BuiltForComfortNotSpeed · 14/03/2012 14:17

Dh is going on a stag night soon to a distant city. I expect that there will be lots of drinking and general male bonding which is all fine and dandy and quite the whole purpose of a stag I guess. However I am bothered about him going to a lap dancing club with others, which is how that group of men seem to roll. I am really uncomfortable with this, which he knows about, and which we had a massive argument about last year when it took place on another stag do. I can see that he would look a complete tool if all the others went in but he said "sorry chaps, not coming in, my wife won't let me, I'll see you back a the hotel" but at the same time I do not believe him when he says that he doesn't pay for the private dances, just has a bit of a giggle about how seedy it is with the other like minded blokes he may happen to be with and enjoys in a male way how embarrassed the stag gets.

I know it's not healthy to mistrust him like this, but he hides his porn use from me by using InPrivate browsing on laptop (his argument is that he knows i dont like him using porn, but its something that all men do and so hes actually being quite respectful by not flaunting it) and so I wonder what else he hides.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
BuiltForComfortNotSpeed · 14/03/2012 16:13

I absolutely subscribe to the theory of not having to give or receive "permission" in a relationship. It's not really about the fact that he's going to go, I can get over the fact he might go to a lap dancing club as a social thing on a stag, but it's the fact that because he hides his porn use and thinks that's ok that I don't believe that he wouldn't pay for private entertainment and then lie about it, knowing I had a problem with it. That just seems to be a way of saying "I can do what I bloody well like. As long as she doesn't find out I don't have to consider her feelings"

Wrt porn, in he past we have watched it together and I have got some enjoyment out of it however I do not like the way that this is now the only type of sex we have. It's basically fucking and there is no love or intimacy, only him reenacting what he sees on youporn.com and expecting me to be the hole. Sorry if tmi but as you can tell I feel really hurt about this! So I guess that yes, my issue IS the objectification thing.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 14/03/2012 16:59

Ninilegs divorce?

Would have been a bit of a deal breaker for me that. What a way to start married life and celebrate your love for someone - getting your kicks with someone else. Classy!

valiumredhead · 14/03/2012 17:17

Not all men like porn, no. But most of them would become sexually aroused if receiving a lap dance Err would they? Confused

OP 'all men do not hide porn.' He is not being considerate hiding it from you.

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 14/03/2012 18:02

After your last post OP I honestly think you have more issues than the fact that he might have a lap dance.

I know this might not be the idea but have you thought of introducing a different kind of porn to him. Maybe to lure him away from porn hub etc.

I honestly think the stag will be the one that gets all the attention from the strippers as he'll be the man of the night.

I'm still uncomfortable with the whole asking him not to go thing. I never agree with partners trying to control what the other one does.

If you don't like how he's getting sexual graification elsewhere then that is the discussion you need to have with him.

Goawaybob · 14/03/2012 18:59

I think vintagewarrior was being ironic there pullup

Goawaybob · 14/03/2012 19:06

If it is affecting your sex life then he is watching it too much! I like porn but it doesn't affect the way i have sex with my DP. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a good hard fuck from time to time, but its the from time to time thing that is the key. swimming i know what you mean about porn.hub i think the problem is that as soon as you google porn, its there at the top and men are intrinsically lazy.

With regards to the lap-dancing club, i honestly think you should just let him go, and insist on all the gory details afterwards. That way, you know that he isnt hiding anything from you - i don't have a problem with lap-dancing clubs myself and i wouldn't want DP to miss out on what would be a good laugh.

AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2012 19:17

"It's only a night out, none of these women will see him again, take his number etc... I'd be more worried if he was going to local pick up joints where he is very likely to snog / shag someone.

Also the porn thing, aside from objectifying women, who cares if he has a jiggle over porn? Saves you a job once a week no?"

Ick, ick, ick

bobscratchit · 14/03/2012 19:28

have you ever been to a lap dancing club?

You might change your view point, it is a place where effectively woman take the piss out of men for money, men are not allowed to touch only watch, if they even go for a cheeky fumble they will be chucked out by the bouncers. He wont be comparing these girls to you, If he does so what, hes with you, and surely that's all the matters.

You can tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, but dont make a big thing about it
Tell him to go,and don't question him, when he gets back.

bobscratchit · 14/03/2012 19:32

thou i would have a serious chat with him about the re enactment business. once in a while fair enough, but not every time.

suburbophobe · 14/03/2012 19:35

there's a HUGE difference between porn on your laptop in the privacy of your own house and going to a lap dancing club IMO.

Why exactly?

Both feed the sex industry and denigrate women IMO...

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 19:36

Sometimes what other people say is ironic doesn't read like irony to me, maybe I have no irony detector? In this case could be because I have an old mate from school who says basically exactly that and she is not being ironic in the slightest. Pretty much word for word, makes me feel a bit sad any time this topic comes up with her.

Charbon · 14/03/2012 19:39

Well yes he would look like a complete tool (and be a complete tool) if he said:

"sorry chaps, not coming in, my wife won't let me, I'll see you back a the hotel"

So surely your expectation ought to be that he'll say:

"I don't want to go to one of these places because I don't agree with them, so I'll see you back at the hotel okay?"

and then wait for the other sheep men who didn't want to show out first, to follow him. As they often will.

But it doesn't sound as though you've got a very high opinion of his moral courage OP and think he's too much of a wuss and a sexist to do that?

We have got to do something - all of us - to stop this culture of men thinking that they are entitled to sexual titillation/services on a night out.

That means not indulging this sexism in a partner.

Charbon · 14/03/2012 19:40

"Don't you feel as attractive as these women, because trust me a lot of them are actually dog rough close up!"

What a disgusting way to describe other women Hmm

Charbon · 14/03/2012 19:45

OP what is stopping you from telling him that you know he uses porn and you don't like it and want it to stop. And telling him that the sex you're having because of it is doing nothing for you? Porn users are crap lovers IMO.

Snakeonaplane · 14/03/2012 19:46

OP I know exactly where you are coming from I have the exact same feelings and the issue does crop up from time to time. I understands DHs POV sort of too, everyone else is going blah blah blah. I have given him an article about trafficked girls working in lap dancing clubs in eastern Europe that was very interesting. After that all I can do is say I trust him not to do anything, he knows in no uncertain circumstances is he to spend our money on dances. I don't think he has been since he usually says that he heads off for food when the other guys go but he also never says never depending on the circumstances. I reckon he thinks it's not worth the headache,I'll have a look for the article.

Snakeonaplane · 14/03/2012 19:47

here might help with your argument.

Snakeonaplane · 14/03/2012 19:50

It's more about prostitutes but many are working as dancers.

attheendoftheday · 14/03/2012 20:24

I hate lap dancing clubs, they objectify women and help to purport the myth that all sex workers are happy and empowered (ignoring the plight of the many who aren't).

However, I do not get to tell my dp what to do, as I do not own him.

In a similar situation I would have a calm discussion about my feelings and beliefs then leave him to make his mind up. I would hope that he would choose to not financially support something I see as immoral (but I'd hope he would choose that because he agreed with me, more than because he didn't want to upset me).

I think lying about his porn use is a bigger deal tbh.

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 14/03/2012 20:37

I don't think this thread needs to go into the whole debate about strip clubs again it hasn't been that long since the last few.

some people don't mind them some do. Its as simple as that.

I think there are insecurities in your relationship OP and you need to discuss with your DH how to get back on track.

Find some good porn that you'll both like that will bring the "love making" back to the intimacy.

The lap dancing isnt really anything to worry about I don't think. It doesnt sound like he's a regular attender and it is just going to be a one off. If he does have a lap dance you need to find out why?

Is it something he would like you to do for him? If so then maybe he can pay you back by being more romantic in the bedroom etc

Charbon · 14/03/2012 20:57

Jesus. I've seen it all now.

Advice to a woman whose husband uses porn, is shit in bed, lies to her and thinks it's okay to use women for his evening's entertainment...

Find some good porn, ask no questions, give him a lap dance of your own and trade it for sexual favours

What the hell happened to women who think like this?

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 14/03/2012 21:49

So what should she do Charbon?

Divorce him? Control him by telling him she's forbidding he goes?? Deny they ever sleep together again if he even looks at a photo of a girl in a bikini??

Come on if you think you know better give us some insight??

And what is so wrong with trading on sexual favours?? In my experience it adds chemistry and new love to a relationship. But hey that's just me. I offered my opinion and ideas that is all!!!

DinahMoHum · 14/03/2012 22:01

i dont think its unreasonable to not want him to go. Im not sure what you can actually do about it.

I dont think id be that bothered.

suburbophobe · 14/03/2012 22:07

Well, let me say this....

I don´t live in UK...

About 3 weeks ago 2 teenage girls - 14-15 - went missing (was in the news). They were found within about 5 days.

They had been in touch with someone on the internet- FB? god knows - and went to meet him. All very innocent (from their point of view)... said they were meeting each other in town to their parents...

They were held against their will and were prostituted in those 5 days.

Is this what you want for your daughters? or sons to think is o.k.?!

No, thought not!!

But that is the reality.

Porn and Lap dancing clubs just help to "make it o.k."... (with excuses..."and don´t be so uptight biatch!" if you protest).

Never mind the women trafficking!!

Misogyny is rife and thriving!

OP, how are you going it to explain to your (eventual) children? "Ah, it´s just a laugh?!"

By the way, is he spending family money on this crap?

suburbophobe · 14/03/2012 22:13

Oh, and by the way, they found them after 5 days, but two more kids are missing again, 13 -14....

And yes, they all live(d)at home. Not in Child Protection Hostels or anything like that in case any of you were wondering....

Charbon · 14/03/2012 22:19

Sex isn't something that should be traded at all. It merely reinforces sexist notions of women 'giving' sex as a reward for favours or services rendered, rather than the truth which is that women like and want sex just as much as men and have equal rights to the type of sex that happens in the relationship.

I can't even get my head around being in a relationship with a porn user who lied to me and thought it was acceptable for him and his mates to use the sex industry on a night out, or putting up with pornified sex that did nothing for my pleasure, so any advice to the OP feels like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

However, in the OP's position I would at this late stage try to educate him about the truth of porn and the sex industry and get him to see the damage it causes to people in the industry, the relationships of users and the lives of people whose cities have been ruined by hordes of drunken men landing in their communities to buy women. I would also tell him that I couldn't live with a liar. I wouldn't 'forbid' anything. I would assume I was married to an intelligent adult who could make his own decisions based on all the information I'd shown him. If he still wanted to do those things, he wouldn't have me by his side any longer.

I'd ask him to be honest with me about his future actions, but if he lied to me again and promised all that had stopped and it hadn't, then yes, I would leave him.