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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living in sin?

92 replies

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 12:09

My DP was working with a new collegue the other day and they were having a chat, getting to know each other blah blah... when his collegue found out that we were unmarried and living together he said we were living in sin and should think about the consequences of what we were doing ie pre-marital sex
Now i laughed this off when my DP told me, couldnt care less what a stranger thinks of me, but it got me thinking how common 'living in sin' is and if it is widely acceptable in society now?
AIBU to think you are a bit bonkers brave to get married to before living together?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/03/2012 12:11

I do not think I know anyone apart from my parents and others of their generation who waited until they were married before living together.

I think it does make sense to rent a place together before committing to buy a place though.. regardless of marriage.

MadameMessy · 13/03/2012 12:13

I "live in sin" with dp. we can't afford to get married, and I don't think dp is so inclined anyway.
no one has ever remarked on it tbh, and I don't know how Id react if someone did. probably very shocked, and do my nervous laugh as usual!
I agree, madness to marry someone before you have experienced their toilet habits for years!

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2012 12:13

Well you wouldn't buy a horse without riding it first....

GravityDefier · 13/03/2012 12:14

Even my 90 year old grandmother does not mention it anymore. She mentioned it to my mother when she wanted to move in with her boyfriend but not to me. Ever. And DP and I are not married

BenderBendingRodriguez · 13/03/2012 12:15

Same as squeakytoy. In fact, my parents did live in sin quite happily for a few years (late 60s), until pressure from mum's dad became too annoying and they got married.

Strangely, after so many years of living in sin, now being married gives me a bit of an illicit thrill

VickityBoo · 13/03/2012 12:16

Odd for someone to mention it these days. I couldn't imagine marrying without knowing how I'd get on living with someone.

ChaoticAngel · 13/03/2012 12:17

I use to live in sin with my ex. Saved us a small fortune on solicitor's fees when we split

ViviPru · 13/03/2012 12:27

its an opinion still widely held in some religions and cultures. BIL & SIL have a strong faith and it was important to them to marry before living together. it works for them.

DP and I on the other hand have been sinning it up since '04. If someone made such comments to me, I'd tell them to think about the consequences of voicing such judgemental opinions to someone about whom they know so little.

Thistledew · 13/03/2012 12:32

I know 3 couples who for various financial and practical reasons got married before they properly moved in together. Didn't stop them doing the 'sin' bit though!

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 13/03/2012 12:34

I expect it's only the older generations and those with strict faiths who care nowadays.

I've lived in sin for a few years now. It was either a wedding or a house so we did the sensible thing IMO and are getting married next summer instead.

I couldn't imagine marrying someone I had never lived with - I've found previous boyfriends un-liveable-with so I speak from experience.

ballroompink · 13/03/2012 12:36

I would say it is widely acceptable now, unless it's something you don't agree with due to religious beliefs.

The one I find people are still about iffy about is having DCs before you're married. I have had several friends/colleagues who lived together, and got married because they wanted to have children but felt DCs out of wedlock was something they would not do.

I didn't live with DH before we were married (combination of faith and long distance relationship. Making the transition to living together was challenging, but it was nothing we couldn't get through.

Birdsgottafly · 13/03/2012 12:37

I think that the sin bit is irrelevent, seeming as most people have sex before living together or getting married.

It's personal choice and shouldn't be commented on.

Thistledew · 13/03/2012 12:37

Although I have to say that of those three couples, one separated after about 6 months, one have been married for about 7 years, and the other, odd people that they are, have been married for 18 months now but only started living together permanently about 5 months ago! They had been a couple for about 3 years before they married though.

Pandemoniaa · 13/03/2012 12:38

It helps if you believe in sin, of course. The rest of us just assume we are living with someone.

The last time I heard this expression used with feeling was when, some years before we married, ex-dh and I moved out of a shared student house (where the respective parents who were bothered about this sort of thing could ignore the precise sleeping arrangements) into a one-bedroomed flat. His mother actually used the words "I didn't bring you up to live in sin". My mother, on the other hand, thought it was extremely dicey to marry anyone you hadn't lived with first!

CrystalQueen · 13/03/2012 12:39

I must be the only person on MN who got married before living together (had definitely sinned though!). It just worked out that way as we waited until I finished uni.

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 13/03/2012 12:41

I always thought I'd like to be married before I had children Ballroom but I didn't much fancy the registry-office-in-a-maternity-dress-dash so we're doing it shortly after dc2 instead. Turns out you can't always plan these things

If anyone commented I suspect I would ask them if they wanted to pay for a (rather expensive) wedding for me and if not, to keep their opinions to themselves.

Seona1973 · 13/03/2012 12:43

me and dh lived together for about 7 years before we got married. My sister lives with but is not married to her partner and they have 3 children between them (only 1 of them is his) - they have been together for about 8 years.

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 12:43

It seems a recipe for disaster to marry without living together first. Divorce rates peaked in the early 90s and I have a theory that the falling divorce rate is due to people marrying later and after a period cohabitting first.

Ephiny · 13/03/2012 12:43

Yes it's personal choice, though people should make sure they know their legal rights and obligations (or lack of) when cohabiting as compared to marriage - it's surprised how many don't!

The morality/sin issue is absolutely a matter of personal values and beliefs, it's quite rude to comment on someone else's situation like that!

Personally wouldn't want to get married without sharing a house first to see how we got on, but I imagine it can work (or not work) either way. I do have a preference for getting married before trying for a baby though, maybe that's old-fashioned but it feels right to me. I wouldn't criticise someone for making a different choice though, certainly not a new work colleague, what an odd thing to do!

IAmBooyhoo · 13/03/2012 12:44

no-one ever said anything to me or Exp about us living together without being married and i come from a line of very devout catholics. but no. no-one ever said anything. i do have a friend though who although she was sleeping with her DP for 18months before they got married they didn't get their house until just before the wedding and didn't move in until after it. they said they couldn't live in sin. i sniggered when they said that if i'm being honest.

birdofthenorth · 13/03/2012 12:45

I was when DH and I were engaged and the victim of a public attack for living in sin! I'm a Christian but even I was aghast that it would even be considered anything other than sensible these days!

marshmallowpies · 13/03/2012 12:46

I know only 1 person of my own age who is deeply religious and has stuck to the 'no sex before marriage' rule. That's just her personal choice, though, and as far as I know she doesn't criticise other people who do otherwise.

My parents didn't approve of me moving in with my boyfriend at university - and it was clearly a silly thing to do aged 19 when we should have been in shared student houses having the time of our lives rather than domestic non-bliss in a horrid basement flat - but no harm done in the long run, we broke up fairly amicably after a year of living together and I didn't live with another boyfriend until I was in my mid-20's after that.

Do know one couple who only set up home together properly after they got married 2 years ago, but that was partly due to them both being homeowners near their respective workplaces and they hadn't worked out which of the two houses to settle in permanently. They were staying overnight often at each others places before that, though.

peeriebear · 13/03/2012 12:50

I'm pretty sure that even William and Kate had a bit of action before they got married! I lived in terrible, terrible sin with DH for five years before we got married.

Amateurish · 13/03/2012 12:50

I've been living in sin with DP for 15 years now, 2 kids, mortgage etc. As far as I can recall, no-one has ever made a negative comment about it. We are definitely not getting married, so I look forward to continued sinning for many more decades.

ShitThatsALotOfMoney · 13/03/2012 12:54

The only people I know who didn't choose to live together before marriage are evangelical Christians, I doubt anyone who isn't religious gives it any thought.

We lived together for about 3 years before we married, glad we did too.

The problems I have seen in develop in the marriages of the evangelical christian couples I know is that almost all of them have become pregnant straight away after the wedding.

That means that within a 12 months they go from dating and living separately to married, living together and a baby. Its a big change. Of course, it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is quite a test of a relationship and some I know have struggled.

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