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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living in sin?

92 replies

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 12:09

My DP was working with a new collegue the other day and they were having a chat, getting to know each other blah blah... when his collegue found out that we were unmarried and living together he said we were living in sin and should think about the consequences of what we were doing ie pre-marital sex Shock
Now i laughed this off when my DP told me, couldnt care less what a stranger thinks of me, but it got me thinking how common 'living in sin' is and if it is widely acceptable in society now?
AIBU to think you are a bit bonkers brave to get married to before living together?

OP posts:
ballroompink · 13/03/2012 12:57

Yeah I would agree with that about going straight from not living together to married to living together to having a child. That definitely would have been too much for me and DH, although each to their own, I suppose.

Abra1d · 13/03/2012 13:05

I didn't live with my husband before we were married--it wasn't possible geographically. He relocated when we married.

We have been married for 16 years and our marriage has so far survived two redundancies and other stressful things. Hopefully it will continue like this.

We didn't have our first child for about 18 months, though.

LizzieMo · 13/03/2012 13:07

Gravity- did I misunderstand, or did your 90 year old Grandmother move in with her boyfriend?Wink Respect to her if she did. Hope I am still frisky alive at that age!!!

diddl · 13/03/2012 13:09

We didn´t live together before we got married.

We did go on holidays & I did stay at his, though.

So in the 2yrs that we were together before being married, we probably spent every weekend & maybe 8wks of holiday "living together" iyswim.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/03/2012 13:14

my parents didn't live together before marriage and have been married 35 years. however, my mum (one of the devout catholics) is very strong in her belief that people (read me and my dsis) should live with someone before they get married because if she had done that she would never have married my dad. she loves him and wont ever divorce him (catholic) but she says he is so hard to live with still after 35 years and if she had known before the wedding, it wouldn't have gone ahead.

lottielou39 · 13/03/2012 13:15

i can't understand people who say they can't afford to get married. We get a very very cheap (in financial terms) wedding. Cost less than a grand all in. You do NOT have to have a bridezilla big flashy for the benefit of others wedding.
We lived in sin, but got married before having children. I wanted us all to have the same name and I wanted our children to have the security of knowing Mummy and Daddy were married. Children (especially older ones) appreciate this and is makes them feel safer.

mousymouseafraidofdogs · 13/03/2012 13:17

we can't afford to get married
nonsense, it costs 100 quid at the registry office.

Hebiegebies · 13/03/2012 13:17

I would never judge anyone for living together, but I chose not to sleep with or live with DH before our wedding day.

I don't agree with the 'you need to ride a horse before you buy'. There is no connection in my mind

I knew I loved DH and that we were compatible and would both make the effort to make things work

We have been married 18 years, I don't think the statics would show living together increases the sucsess of marriage. Putting the other person first does and attending marriage courses or counselling prior to the big day has been proved to increase the length of marriages.

My main concern about people to being married is a legal one. Once married you are automatically next of kin. If you live together your next of kin would be your parents or child unless you have seen a solicitor to draw up a will etc.

This is why I am so glad we now have Civil Partnerships in this country, so that we have equal rights and same sex partners can be next of kin in the same way.

Sarcalogos · 13/03/2012 13:20

We did the living together but not the 'sin' bit. Does that make us unique?

CMOTDibbler · 13/03/2012 13:21

I do know a couple who lived togegether before they were married, but sans sin. They had no end of grief from their church about it though.

Hebiegebies · 13/03/2012 13:22

Sarcalogos, that makes you very strong willed! Impressed

minimisschief · 13/03/2012 13:23

It is a dumb belief anyway. What do these religions think happened to people before we invented marriage.

annalovesmrbates · 13/03/2012 13:23

I have 2 brothers. I was married before dc, as was brother 1. Brother 2 "lives in sin" and has 1 dc. She was at my mum's the other day and looking at wedding pictures of mine and DB1s weddings. She looked so sad and kept asking where the pictures of her mummy dressed as a princess at her wedding were. I had never really thought before about the "out of wedlock" issue before and I was quite sad for her at the time. But she forgot about it quickly enough and hasn't mentioned it again - so I guess if it doesn't matter to her then it shouldn't to anyone else.

annalovesmrbates · 13/03/2012 13:23

I have 2 brothers. I was married before dc, as was brother 1. Brother 2 "lives in sin" and has 1 dc. She was at my mum's the other day and looking at wedding pictures of mine and DB1s weddings. She looked so sad and kept asking where the pictures of her mummy dressed as a princess at her wedding were. I had never really thought before about the "out of wedlock" issue before and I was quite sad for her at the time. But she forgot about it quickly enough and hasn't mentioned it again - so I guess if it doesn't matter to her then it shouldn't to anyone else.

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 13/03/2012 13:24

We will be married before our eldest is three. I really don't think he minds.

And we want (not need) a big, no-expense spared party of a wedding which we've booked and can afford, we just couldn't afford to do it the same year as buying a house and I didn't fancy doing it while pregnant.

thefurryone · 13/03/2012 13:26

That was quite a rude comment from your DP's colleague. Even if that is your belief you should probably keep it to yourself.

I lived with DH before we got married but it was important to him that we were married before we had children, I wasn't that bothered would have loved to do it just to see the look on MIL's face but now we actually have children I'm glad we waited until marriage, it just feels right for us.

I do know a few couples who for various reasons didn't live together pre-wedding, and even one didn't even indulge in a bit of sin. But they had all been together for a long time and spent a lot of time in each others houses so I don't think anything was too surprising.

In regards to stats I thought if you lived together pre-marriage then you were more likely to divorce, but then if you think of living together as living in sin, then you're probably also quite likely to view divorce unfavourably which would have an influence

LordGiveMeStrength · 13/03/2012 13:26

I lived with DH for a year before we got married. Just before our wedding i showed MIL a swatch of fabric from my dress, she proceeded to announce to the whole family "see I told you it wouldn't be white. So few of you can wear white these days, what with living together before marriage".

I nearly thumped her. This was a woman who was a teen mum in the 60's (gave it up for adoption) and who had a daughter who was pregnant on her wedding day.

Sarcalogos · 13/03/2012 13:28

Thanks hebie Grin

Although honestly, didn't find it that difficult. And had no grief from our respective churches either.

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 13:29

The problems I have seen in develop in the marriages of the evangelical christian couples I know is that almost all of them have become pregnant straight away after the wedding

How novel, in every wedding I've been to, there's been lots of hanging around waiting for photos to be taken and wanging confetti about.

Randy buggers, of they've been waiting for months/years for a bit of slap and tickle, you'd think they'd be able to hang on until the cake has been cut.

MrsAlexanderSkarsgard · 13/03/2012 13:29

DP and I have been living together for 12 years this year and I can't see us ever getting married - we have discussed it and aren't violently opposed to it, but just don't see the point. It won't change anything between us and we are quite happy as we are.

PanicMode · 13/03/2012 13:32

I didn't live with my DH before we were married (tho we had sinned!). We have been together 20 years next year, married for coming up to 11. It was partly religious belief (on my part), and partly geographical - he relocated to London once we were married.

I think, as others have said, it was v rude of your DP's colleague to say anything. Surely statistically nowadays more people 'live in sin' than are married?

ShitThatsALotOfMoney · 13/03/2012 13:33

Compos Grin

Hebiegebies · 13/03/2012 13:36

Compos, we managed to wait till the cake had been cut, but the taxi ride to the hotel was intresting!
Note to all couples waiting til after they get married - do not have your first night hotel a long drive from the reception..... Blush

ToxicToria · 13/03/2012 13:39

I too am living in sin Wink with a 6 year old I once had a taxi driver comment that it was disgusting bringing my child up like that Angry and recently a colleague has made a few comments about me getting married etc

CupOfBrownJoy · 13/03/2012 13:43

I'm not planning to move in with DP until after we get married next summer.

Its nothing to do with religion, purely the logistics of his job and my job.

I can assure you there is plenty of sex before marriage around nevertheless Wink