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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living in sin?

92 replies

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 12:09

My DP was working with a new collegue the other day and they were having a chat, getting to know each other blah blah... when his collegue found out that we were unmarried and living together he said we were living in sin and should think about the consequences of what we were doing ie pre-marital sex
Now i laughed this off when my DP told me, couldnt care less what a stranger thinks of me, but it got me thinking how common 'living in sin' is and if it is widely acceptable in society now?
AIBU to think you are a bit bonkers brave to get married to before living together?

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 13/03/2012 13:49

It is odd that people still make comments like that.

I am secretly amused though, by people who do want to get married but don't feel ready yet, when they're living with the person and have children with them.

If you don't believe in marriage, fine, but if you do, what exactly are you waiting for???? How can marriage be too much committment when you've created a child with someone!

InsomniaQueen · 13/03/2012 13:55

My parents are very religious - they gave us the looks but never actually said anything about living in sin......they didn't allow us to sleep in the same bed 'under their roof' until after we got married.

It was a bit of a shock the night we stayed over and my mum said "I've made a bed up for you both". We actually giggled like kids when we were lying in bed and worked out that we had been together for 6 years and this was the first time we'd slept together at my parents.........still not brave enough to do anything really naughty though!!

Rinkan · 13/03/2012 14:23

I have a slightly different perspective. Been with DP (boyfriend really) for about a year, all going fantastically well. We live about 10 minutes apart and without fail spend Friday to Sunday together in one of our flats, plus the odd weeknight and going on holiday together. All sin-tastic I hasten to add. We are mid thirties, neither of us has children.

I have a sneaky suspicion that any day now he's going to suggest that we move in together and I really don't want to. Not because I'm not sure about him, quite the opposite - I AM sure about him and I want him to ask me to marry him instead! I had a 5 year relationship in my late 20s, we lived together for 2, didn't end massively traumatically but moving out was a real hassle and I just feel that I have been there, done that.

I feel that current boyfriend should be able to work out perfectly easily from the way we live now to be able to decide whether or not he wants to marry me (though I accept that he may need another year or so to decide to take the plunge) and if he decides that he doesn't, well, at least my living arrangements won't change as a result of the break up.

I am pro marriage, not for moral or religious reasons, just because I would want that level of commitment to feel secure. And I like the idea of life feeling different on a practical level post-wedding. Thing is, if he does suggest moving in I have 2 options (i) say no but don't say why, and he'll think I don't love him enough or (ii) say I am waiting for a proposal, which sounds like I am being impatient and possibly forces the issue when I'd really love for him to make the decision in his own time and have the fun of surprising me.

Bit of a bugger really. For all I know he could be thinking that I would never consider marrying him without living together first....

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 14:25

....still not brave enough to do anything really naughty though!!

My parents were a bit funny about this, I'm not sure what kind of high jinx would have occured if we'd... shock horror...shared a bed.

Believe it or not we aren't constantly romping around 365 nights a year and a rusty zed bed in my parents' front room after having spent an evening listen to my mum witter on about my Nan's cataracts doesn't get either me or my partner in the mood for any amourous action.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 14:29

YANBU. The colleague is either very old or a religious nut-job. Tell DP to avoid.

MeltedChocolate · 13/03/2012 14:41

I hold this personal view. I would not sleep with dp or live with dp before marriage. I am now a Christian so. I would never think to say anything to anyone else though. That is their business not mine.

Original poster

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 14:42

Glad to see i'm not the only sinner! His comments were quite odd, but when i think about i'm getting it from all sides about us getting married, the amount of times i've been asked 'when hes going to put a ring on it?' A lot of my friends are getting engaged at the moment and the pitying looks and the 'i'm sure it'll be your turn soon' comments are getting on my wick too, we just want to sin in peace

OP posts:

trustissues75 · 13/03/2012 14:43

None of their bloody business and nightly rude to shove their religious views Dow. Others' throats.

alarkaspree · 13/03/2012 14:49

It's extraordinarily odd to make that kind of comment to a new colleague I think. Is he surprised that this sort of thing goes on? What does he think the consequences of your 'living in sin' might be in 2012?

I suspect he must be a time traveller from a bygone era.

MeltedChocolate · 13/03/2012 14:53

Friends and family know my views because they know what I do and don't do. What's the need to go out of your way to tell someone you have just met?!

Mini - I think there has always been some form of marriage, whether it be a ritual or whatever. The bible tells us to marry first and to follow the law of the land, so we are to marry as the law states. If I had been born a few thousand years ago I suppose I would be required to 'marry' in whatever way it wad done then. A ceremony in the villiage perhaps?

MissCoffeeNWine · 13/03/2012 14:59

My grandmother lost her husband when she was 58, met a man 10 years her junior when she was 65, moved in with him and lived in sin for 22 happy years until his death. She is now 88 and still going. So it's not all a generational thing.

I've lived in sin since 2002, and yes I've had comments, I've been told my children are going to hell by strangers. But I don't believe that's so, and it's no-one's business but mine, so I'll carry on with what makes me happy.

Original poster

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 15:03

He was also going on about the illuminati controlling most of what happens in the world so religious nut job mabye? I asked DP why he didn't pull him up on the weird comments but apparently he has a voice you could listen to for hours

OP posts:

anychocswilldo · 13/03/2012 15:04

My mother told me that my boyfriend would never ask me to marry him when I told her we were moving in together I was quite surprised coz my mum is lovely. That was the only comment I ever got. We are married now but living together first was the right choice, u don't really know someone till u live with them. Who wants to get married then discover u can't stand living with the other person.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 13/03/2012 15:07

My DSis lived in sin about 10 years ago, (now married) and was told in no uncertain terms by v strict Catholic DGM that she was Going To Hell. The rest of us and some of our cousins have subsequently sinned and DGM has kept her feelings to herself. It's not too much to ask work colleagues to do the same.

sweetkitty · 13/03/2012 15:09

We've lived in sin for 17 years now, we have 4 children.

Most people are shocked when we tell them we are not married as they assume we are, even our parish priest who baptised our last 2 children laughed when we told him.

DP goes to mass regularly and takes communion and put children are bring raised RC, but that's his choice. (well not the last bit as I also chose the school thru went to).

whackamole · 13/03/2012 15:18

No one has ever said anything to me about it (Living in Sin 8 years) but I expect my mum and dad, who never married, had some comments made!

As it happens, we have 3 children and are marrying in June. He has been married before, he was forced into it to make it right with having a child. His wife left him for another man less than 6 months after the wedding

The one I find a little strange is Christenings for unmarried, non-religious people. My kids aren't and won't be Christened, regardless of what people expect me to do as we aren't religious at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 15:19

"religious nut job mabye?"

No question. And when DP is found in 10 pieces at the bottom of the canal for being a sinner (sorry) and the police raid the colleague's flat they will find endless internet searches on conspiracy theories plus a collection of hunting rifles and Britney Spears posters.

CupOfBrownJoy · 14/03/2012 07:10

I think its worth women thinking about what they want before they move in with their partner.

I've got several friends who would really like to be married, but after moving in with their DPs the guys seem to have got a bit too comfortable with the living in sin aspect, and they then have no motivation to actually pop the question.

This happened to me with ExP, so when I met DP I made sure that he knew I wouldn't be moving in without a proposal....

ColourMeWithChaos · 14/03/2012 07:22

Me and DH hadn't lived together and hadn't had any of the "sin" before we were married either. But we were 19, living with our parents, in a tiny village, with a grandfather as the parish vicar and this was a very different time.

It has worked really well for us, but we had been together for four years and had known each other practically from birth. We also want from of living together to being married and living together to living together with a baby in less than 9/10 months (Ds1 was a honeymoon baby :) )

I wouldn't want any of my DCs to follow this path, ask I think we were both very lucky that we lived together so successfully.

molly3478 · 14/03/2012 08:27

I only lived with dh once we were engaged but that was 10 weeks after we met and we got married the next year. With my own children I wont mind them living together but would want them to be married before children.

Rinkan · 14/03/2012 09:49

Cupofbrownjoy- exactly my fear! (see my post up thread) Did you wait till he suggested moving in before you made your views clear, or tell him sooner? Need tips- obviously it worked for you...

DartsAgain · 14/03/2012 10:17

DP and I have been "living in sin" for 25 years now, and still we're not bothered by actually getting married. 2 DCs, all legal stuff sorted out. But then, we're atheist so marriage was never really on the cards.

CupOfBrownJoy · 14/03/2012 11:04

Rinkan He said he really liked the idea of me moving in quite early on in the relationship. I also knew that he was the "marriage with kids type" quite early on.

I said that I had moved in with my ex and ended up getting messed about (I got left in a foreign country with a dog and about 3 boxes of possessions to my name) and I wasn't going to risk that again, so I needed more commitment from him before I agreed to move in. After that, every time he mentioned moving in I just said "you know what you need to do!"

He proposed after 4.5 months....

We still don't live together but its a logistics thing. Its quite strange thinking that we'll be married by the time I move in, but nice though

diddl · 14/03/2012 11:54

Well I knew that I didn´t want to live with anyone long term & I would have put a limit on it.

Husband felt the same though so we married first.

"we're atheist so marriage was never really on the cards.?

Adversecamber · 14/03/2012 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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