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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living in sin?

92 replies

RosieBooBoo · 13/03/2012 12:09

My DP was working with a new collegue the other day and they were having a chat, getting to know each other blah blah... when his collegue found out that we were unmarried and living together he said we were living in sin and should think about the consequences of what we were doing ie pre-marital sex
Now i laughed this off when my DP told me, couldnt care less what a stranger thinks of me, but it got me thinking how common 'living in sin' is and if it is widely acceptable in society now?
AIBU to think you are a bit bonkers brave to get married to before living together?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 14/03/2012 12:37

Rinkan, I think if your dp asks you to move in, you would be perfectly reasonable to say that you've been down that road before and don't want to give up all your security for something that isn't a real commitment. I don't think that puts pressure on him to propose, but it does let him know that you want from the future.

There is also nothing wrong with bringing up the subject of marriage yourself, or asking him to move in with you, so if it does all go pear shaped, he is the one who will be moving out. If he was the one faced with giving up the security of his own place, it might make him think about what he's asking of you.

There is nothing wrong with not being married, but if it's something you want, there is nothing wrong with letting him know that's the level of commitment you are looking for long term.

OP, the colleague was really rude to try and impose his views on you. That is just not a professional way for him to conduct himself in the work place.

trillsbells · 14/03/2012 13:21

I don't care for any religion but I refused to live with DH before we got married, because I already had a DD from a previous rl and didn't want to uproot her without knowing that DH was fully committed to both of us. Also, I wanted to be sure that DD and I wouldn't be left homeless if we moved into his house and DH and I subsequently split up, as happened to a friend of mine. At least if we divorce, I've got a chance of getting half the house .

I think the colleague's comments were unacceptable but tbh with any kind of religious judgement like that (over having a dc out of wedlock in my case), I tend to laugh it off rather than be offended.

Whobuilt · 14/03/2012 13:39

DH and me never lived together before we married or had pre-marital sex, our 3 years together have been a constant learning curve and bloody difficult but worth it! I'm 28 btw

HardCheese · 14/03/2012 13:48

My partner and I cohabited happily for 20 years before marrying a couple of weeks ago, purely for bureaucratic reasons, before the birth of our first baby - nothing to do with respectability, just legalities. If someone started making prissy little noises about 'living in sin', I would take intense pleasure in describing my definition of sin, which is more about bigotry, cruelty and lack of respect for difference, than about anythng you can get up to in the sack, with or without a ring on a finger.

MotherOfSuburbia · 14/03/2012 13:54

You're not the only one Hebiegebie - I also waited to 'sin' till after marriage. I was pretty young when I got married though - not sure how long we could have stuck it out otherwise!

I couldn't have really explained to anyone why it was important to me - I just kind of made up my mind in my teens that that was how I wanted it and managed to stick to it.

The judgement of people 'living in sin' thing I find ridiculous though. Surely it is for each couple to decide how they want to conduct their relationship and has no bearing on anyone else.

SunSoakedStone · 14/03/2012 16:07

I quite liked living in sin. So did my mum and dad. DHs parents didn't and got married at 16 and 17!

SunSoakedStone · 14/03/2012 16:10

And I wouldn't want to go through 'the first time' one my wedding night either. Ouch...

EchoBitch · 14/03/2012 16:54

I've been living in sin for 26 years and 2 months.

I suppose that rules out going to heaven when i kick the bucket

usualsuspect · 14/03/2012 16:58

I've been living in sin for over 30 years

EchoBitch · 14/03/2012 16:59

You all right there usual?

You know you are hell bound!!

usualsuspect · 14/03/2012 17:08

Oh well , I'm sure I've sinned in lots of other ways too

mumeeee · 14/03/2012 17:32

It isn't a recipe for disaster to get married before living together. DH and I didn't live together before we got married and we will have been married for 28years in September. We have our ups and downs but our marriage is still strong. Also DD1 has been married for almost 3 years and she didn't live with her DH before they got married. I actually know quite a few people who didn't live together before they got married and they are still married. I also know people who did live together before they got married and they are not together any more.

MichaelaS · 14/03/2012 17:43

hmmm, IMHO it is best to marry first before living together - precisely because of the implications for trying before you buy otherwise - i.e. that you are testing the waters, that its living together to see if it works and if not you'll split up etc etc. I think its being serious about each other and your committment that helps you make it work, rather than the other way around. That's why the split rate between cohabiting couples is higher than the split rate between married couples. Google it and there are lots of interesting statistics on it.

However, my views are heavily influenced by my faith, and I would not presume to tell someone of different beliefs how they should live their lives.

Plus which there are a lot more ways to "live in sin" than just a live-together sexual relationship outside marriage, and most of us are "living in sin" most of the time I think - the bible says that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the required standard - and greed, selfishness, anger and many other sins are just as prevalent if not more in our society than sexual sin.

Hebiegebies · 14/03/2012 17:52

Glad to hear that research has also shown that NOT living together before you get married has as good a sucsess rate, or even better than if you do cohabit before the big day.

Of my friends who were not living together before marriage, all but one couple are still married

Agree that just keeping my hands off DH before we said our vows does not mean I'm sinless :)

oiwheresthecoffee · 14/03/2012 19:19

I find this rude to be honest. I had the same issue and i responded that there way no such thing as sin so it hardly mattered.

MaryWiselyornotatall · 14/03/2012 19:28

Over 30 years ago, my DH and I were 'living in sin' in a tiny Derbyshire village, and were very much disapproved of. Still together,married, and happy. So - who gives a fuck? Not us.

guffaw · 14/03/2012 21:06

I've lived happily with my DP for over 30 years, no intention of marrying, no-one I know thinks anything of it, including regular church-going friends

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