AIBU to write a definitive list of all dh's contibutions to our family life and all mine- and to ask you to do the same!!!

[yosammitysam]

Many of our arguments revolve around this theme or are thinly disguised versions of this argument. Dh feels he is the breadwinner and I dont appreciate that. I feel I do EVERYTHING else and he doesnt appreciate that. Yet another row last night (we are having a rough patch at the moment- he's been working 7days a week for a month) ended with him saying "write a f*ing list then". So I am. And I'd love to compare it with yours.

ME:
-Childcare- feeding/health/school/clothes/social lives/clubs etc etc
-Our social/family lives- do all the organising/planning (his and my family) cook, tidy up etc when we have people over, remember b.days etc
-Housework- cleaning, washing, ironing, mending, replacing etc
-Cooking- me except about 3 times a year when he might have ago
-Gardening- planning (relitavely new house)tidying weeding planting etc, lugging heavy things about
-DIY- I will fix most things, build flat packs etc
-Builders,plumbers etc- I always book them/deal with them (just had lots work done- not sure builders knew his name)
-Bills- dh pays them all by direct debit but if there are any probs I wil be on phone for hours
-Car- I take it to garage etc and know how to change bulbs etc
-Pets- one cat, I've done all vets, feeding, litter tray etc
-Holidays- I think about/plan book etc though won't book til he has at least glanced over my shoulder and looked at brochure/computer screen and agreed

HIM:
-Earns all money and has done since ds1 was born ten years ago. He likes his job and is very highly regarded at work. There are periods which are very busy (now) but everyone that knows him (and it came up in his work appraisal) says that he becomes all consumed by it and over commits
-Childcare: Will look after kids and do all thats needed if I go out for an evening/day that I have told him about in advance and made prepartions (eg food prepared, kids in jamas already eyc) He also takes them out and helps with schoolwork when he is here and enjoys it
-Demolition- knocked down a small wall in garden last year
-Goes to rubbish dump- to get rid of above rubble and other junk sometimes

Generally I feel there should be more balance. It's not just the doing its the thinking about it all and feeling solely responsible. I also help out at ds's school, run a playgroup etc so feel I'm really busy in addition to alll the above! Dh says he's happy to contribute more when he can but he ends up not knowing what to do with himself when he's here because he's so busy at work so much of the time. I just think he's got to more conscios of everything that goes on at home. After all aren't we supposed to be doing this whole family thing TOGETHER????

So, how does your life work???!!!

DH takes the rubbish out, does any heavy lifting (takes stuff up to the lofty or to the dump) and does minor DIY.

I always do the online food shop, do the bulk - bot not all - of the cooking.

We share housework and childcare down the line.

I'm a sahm of much younger dc and my view is that if I get as much housework done as I can during the day then dh And I get our evenings and weekends free which benefits us both.

Dh doesn't necessarily notice what I do or see what needs doing but it's fairly easy to split tasks over the weekend - e.g I might say to him so you want to empty the dishwAsher and sweep the floor or would you rather take the dog for a walk?

OP, the majority of your list are not daily tasks but things that may crop up once or twice a year (vet, car maintainance, builders/plumbers, planning holidays-is that even classed as a job!). Yet you simply list your DH's as financial but if you were to list his daily tasks at work I would imagine it wouldnt look as good in your argument.

Given you have had the luxury of not working for ten years safe in the knowledge that your DH provides for your lifestyle then its a bit petty to make a list of your housework.

How do you think mums that work full time go on? They have to do the house jobs etc on top of a working day and thousands manage to do it.

I took a couple of days annual leave the other week.

If I were to write a list of what I did on a days leave and a list of what I did at work yesterday, I expect the days leave list would look considerably bulkier. On that day, I scrubbed down the kitchen walls ready for redecorating, did a bit of planting, did more laundry than usual as I was home, so put on most of the bedsheets, did some shopping and also tried out a tricky new recipe for dinner.

Yesterday at work I attended one meeting in the morning and spent the afternoon preparing an upcoming presentation. Or, in the ops words 'earned money!'

However, this completely masks the fact that the meeting was with a demanding client, where I needed to be totally on the ball with facts and figures. The presentation I prepared is also quite demanding and needs to be carefully tailored to the audience- which will include the MD as well as other colleagues.

In other words, a list tells you only part of the story. At the end of the day, anyone could have put the laundry on, cut the grass and scrubbed the kitchen. It's not difficult work and doesn't come with any great pressure or need for skills. And if my tricky new recipe hadnt turned our successfully, the only critics would have been myself, dh and the kids. Whereas at work there is far more pressure for my meeting and presentation to be up to scratch

I'm afraid, reading the op, it sounds a little like she's been out of touch with the workplace so long that she's fallen into the trap of thinking her dh just swans off and earns, as if it just falls into his lap with no pressure

I get you. I work PT while DH works FT (shifts), so I do most of the childcare, housework, all the financial stuff, plus coordinate everything in my diary (no mean feat!).

DH is good, cooks a bit, cleans occasionally, plays with the DC, but he does none of the organisational stuff and has never grasped the concept of picking up where I've left off eg with laundry.

At the risk of inciting feminist ire, and while it does really piss me off, I don't entirely blame him. Our lives are so busy and complex just now that it's not easy to stay on top of things. It's not impossible, which is why I get pissed off, but when he's out of the house and working bizarre hours I can see how difficult it is to slot in and get on with stuff. He quite often has to ask me what day it is!

And also if you are going to list his as "earns the money." but then break down your contributions which could have gone in simply as house-work to
1-Housework- cleaning, washing, ironing, mending, replacing etc
2-Cooking- me except about 3 times a year when he might have ago
3-Gardening
4-DIY
5-Builders,plumbers etc
6-Bills
7-Car
8-Pets
9-Holidays

I mean ffs you've included booking others to do work (builders) and you've included bills which he pays by direct debit. How come you didn't include that on his list of contributions? then things which as happymumofone says will crop up oncde or twice a year at most manage to get listed.

I could do a list as well and it would look like he did nowt. We both work part time self employed which suits and will be changing for us come the summer as work will pick up. I know I bitch about the sod but he does do things and I have to say not hint as mine doesnt do that at all.

Sit down and chat is my motto to sort it out it would be better really cos I'll bet he doesnt see it like you do most OH's dont.

Both - work 30 hours
Me - nursery and school pick up
Him - nursery and school drop off
Both - cooking - in a big Sunday night cooking orgy. Usually one has to multitask at removing stray children from under feet/prevent scavenging for food.
Both - cleaning - mad 30 minute dashes round each day
Both - general planning worrying discussing children's health, wicked behaviour, lack of any academic aptitude whenever we happen to come across each other around the house and none of the blighters are around.

House a total mess, freezer sometimes empty, children equally attached to both of us, very very very lucky that finances, careers, employers and temperaments led to this arrangement.

Hours worked would be a better measure than what you both do. Although if he's using his job to get out of taking part in family life that's not good.

Breadwinner doens't make him king of the house, and you his lackey. That seems to be how it's worked out for you.

I don't think a list would work for us as it varies week by week. I'm a SAHM to a 3.5 yo and nearly 2 yo, DH works longs hours and frequently travels.

I do majority of housework/washing/pets/doctors/pre-school/cooking as I'm there so it's easy, it means we can both relax in the evening so a win win situation. I'm not going to be sitting around when the kids are happily playing and think 'well I won't empty the bin as that's DHs job' - to me that's just petty!

We have weeks where DH has a hard time, stupid hours, pressure where I do everything, he gets weekend lie ins etc. Other weeks he can have an easy week, I'm ill, kids are ill so he'll get home, cook, sort out washing, tidy, do bedtime - it's give and take. If I'm feeling stressed out or tired I just tell him and vice versa and we work out what needs to be done to make us feel better.

You need to talk openly about it and be honest with how his behaviour makes you feel - if it's not discussed he won't know and your resentment will build. Hardly a good way for a marriage to be.

It's all very well writing a list (albeit something I'd never consider) but you can't just dismiss your DH's daytime activities as "earning money". When I was the sole breadwinner my job took up very many hours plus evening meetings. I'd have been fairly pissed off to have this set against housework, gardening. DIY and then just told all I did was "go to work".

I'm no fan of keeping lazy-arsed men in the comfort they've become accustomed to but in this instance, I don't think you are being entirely fair. Why shouldn't your DH be able to "concentrate on work". If he didn't put in the required efforts, your option to be a SAHM and moan about his lack of effort would be somewhat compromised!

OP, I have made a list comparing me with your list

ME:

• work 3 days a week outside the home (have worked part-timefor 11 years now) and leave/get home early enough for DC

-Childcare- feeding/health/school/clothes/social lives/clubs etc etc -Our social/family lives- do all the organising/planning (his and my family) cook, tidy up etc when we have people over, remember b.days etc -Housework- cleaning, washing, ironing, mending, replacing etc -Cooking- me -DIY- I will fix most things, build flat packs etc, but he would help if I need him -Builders,plumbers etc- I always book them/deal with them (just had lots work done- not sure builders knew his name) -Bills- We pay them all by direct debit but if there are any probs I wil be on phone for hours -Car- I take it to garage etc -Holidays - we both think about/plan book etc though he thinks for longer than I do!

HIM:
-Works 5 days a week, longer hours than me and earns about 3 times what I earn.

• sorts out our savings

-Childcare - takes DS to footytraining/matches for about 3 hours on most Sat and Suns.

• Housework - puts stuff in dishwasher and turns it on most nights. Empties it some days. About half the time takes washing out of machine and ocasionally puts it away. Empties kitchen bin. Does occasional cleaning if visitors coming.

-Goes to rubbish dump- to get rid of above rubble and other junk sometimes

BOTH:

• Take turns taking/picking DC up from their clubs/socials,etc. Helps with homework if necessary.

-Gardening- as little as poss

I do sometimes get frustrated about how little he seems to do, but generally it works for us

You don't seem to value what he does.

you could do it as hours worked - when your dh gets home so finishing his shift you finish yours ' anything after that is split 5050 - unless you have downtime in the day in which you can then make up for after your shift.

We seem to just talk to each other and muddle along trying to get stuff done between us on the weekend and give each other a bit of downtime.

I think that as I am still up a lot at night my df cuts me a little slack but overall I think at the mo we have a nice balance - df does more of the household stuff that he actually enjoys - he prefers to cook dinner - I do breakie and lunch and a lot of cleaning down after df finishes cooking, I clean the bathroom, df enjoys bathing ds - as I bf he has always felt this to be his special task, df prefers to do the big shop we both pick up bits in the week depending in what fits in,df works - I do childcare for ds (13mths old) inc cosleeping at mo and all nigjtwakings (made redundant at christmas - might go back to work but redundancy package means don't have to for a year or so), df gives me lie in on sunday (as he goes to the supermarket early saturday morning, df does bins and recycling I do laundry, we both do bills but have our own particular ones to look after just as is easier. On the weekend df gets nice playtime with ds and I will get some stuff done, as ds naps with me df will get a nap then or watch tv or play his xbox as his downtime, I do hoovering and dusting and windows. Bigger tasks we split between us or work together. We have a man called Roy doing the garden as life's too short.

The problem to me seems to be not the splitting of chores but the fact that the DH isn't involved in family life. That's what's making the OP sad. If he's working seven days a week, he clearly doesn't have time to join in with either the drudgy bits of family life (GP appts, laundry, cleaning up sick, parents' evenings) or the nice bits (trips out to the zoo, parties, bedtime stories etc). I can imagine I'd feel fairly dispirited if I was the OP too.

hackmum - if that is OP's issue then she needs to discuss with HB what they can do to resolve it. It could be her going out to work so there's not so much pressure on him as the sole breadwinner.

I have this same argument with OH but in fairness I have been thinking a lot about this lately and I think I just need to organise my time better spend less time websurfing so that I can get my bits done whilst he is out working. I also work part time 16 plus hours a week and I do all the house stuff. He does breakfast and bedtime and 'helps' with other things as and when I ask nag.

ME:

• Earn all the money
• Doing all the housework (buying groceries, cooking, cleaning, tidying) except the laundry

HIM:

• laundry
• occasional cooking

He has depression. I sometimes get frustrated, but he cannot help having a serious medical condition. :)

Maybe your DH would prefer to be the one at home with your list, and for you to earn the money?
He's probably working hard to provide for the family which is pressure -if you don't appreciate him for that, why should he appreciate you for what you do?
If you're talking about holidays then at least he has some time off work...

When I was on mat leave I did pretty all the house chores till he came home and then we ate dinner and I washed up while he bathed and put DD to bed. Then neither of us did anything house wise and just spent the evening together. As I was at home all day doing the chores took very little time and the house has always been in a pretty clean and I never minded doing the dishes whilst DH bathes DD as I have had her to myself all day and he loves bath time with her.

I have just gone back to work, now we both get her up as dressed (she always runs off so much easier if we both do it), one of us picks her up from nursery and the other cooks dinner. He baths her and I wash the dishes/tidy the house and I put her to bed and he gives the house a quick tidy, bungs a wash on etc. once DD is in bed we do no household stuff and just enjoy the evening.

At weekend we both do a bit of everything.

I like it the way it is, neither of us care if the house is immaculate but if I'm honest I find being at work way harder then being at home so never minded doing pretty much everything.

If your kids are at school it can't honestly take that long to do the chores? I can't believe you couldn't do all that while he is at work and. It have enough time to chill out occasionally?

This is another thread about, and motivated by, resentment.

How resentful do you want to be? This is a part of: do you really want to be that kind of person?

I do:

95% of the childcare
100% of the cleaning
85% of the cooking
85% of the general clearing up / dishwasher unstacking etc etc...
Almost all of the sorting out stuff: so calling if there's a problem with bill, finding us somewhere to live when we move, any sorting out of old clothes, getting rid of stuff, all the "behind the scenes" stuff.
100% of the food shopping and planning, budgeting etc.

DH does: Works.
Will cook occasionally if he's home in time, quite often helps clear up after too.
Occasionally do DD's bath time if he's not too tired.
DIY (rare that there is any)
Flat pack putting together (again: rare that there is any)
Takes bin out
I honestly cannot think of anything else. Usually he will hang up towels after he's used them, take mugs through to dishwasher etc etc as well.

I am mediocrely happy with this situation: at the moment is particularly difficult as DH is working 7 days a week pretty much constantly and has no choice in the matter and is under a tremendous amount of pressure. This makes him not the most pleasant person to be around at the end of the day on top of all of this. I get very cross when he tells me that I'm "not being supportive enough" and when it feels like he's taking the piss. But we're muddling through. I think that at the moment neither of us really have much choice - he can't do more right now. Things should get a bit better on June 9th when he's off for quite a while! :)

Further to previous post where I said I largely did all the home stuff would just like to point out that today has been:

I got up at 8ish had tea and toast and surfed on Mnet for an hour or two. DH had a lie in and came down at 10 to make himself some tea. I went back to bed with a cuppa for a chat at about 10.10 and we nattered until about 11ish.

Today DH has done the dishwasher twice, mowed the lawn, cleaned his car and when the next door but one neighbours lit a barbecu he brought in all the washing. He has also had a bit of a chat to DS about boundaries, coming in when he's supposed to and remembering his keys. He has also stocked up on lightbulbs and replaced all the spent ones throughout the house.

I have pottered, done a bit of washing, been to the supermarket, unloaded, (dh and ds carried the bags in), unpacked and cooked supper.

Tomorrow DH has said he will work early am and later so he can take me to Wisley in the afternoon.

Some of the resentment I think is bred from having young children who are very demanding and from whom it is difficult to have a break. It really does get easier later on.

SAHM to school age DCs (one with SN) - work a 12 hour night shift once a month - the day after which I do nothing but sleep, the rest of the time I do

• cooking
• online grocery shop
• cleaning
• laundry
• childcare
• school runs
• household admin
• all child related stuff - medical appointments; friends for tea; taxi-ing to friends and clubs
• all pet (2 cats) related stuff
• organise social life and sort out babysitters etc

DH does

• 40 hour week in physically and mentally draining job that he detests
• all DIY
• all car - washing / repairing
• all gardening
• empties dishwasher every morning and brings me up a wake up cup of tea