AIBU to write a definitive list of all dh's contibutions to our family life and all mine- and to ask you to do the same!!!

[yosammitysam]

Many of our arguments revolve around this theme or are thinly disguised versions of this argument. Dh feels he is the breadwinner and I dont appreciate that. I feel I do EVERYTHING else and he doesnt appreciate that. Yet another row last night (we are having a rough patch at the moment- he's been working 7days a week for a month) ended with him saying "write a f*ing list then". So I am. And I'd love to compare it with yours.

ME:
-Childcare- feeding/health/school/clothes/social lives/clubs etc etc
-Our social/family lives- do all the organising/planning (his and my family) cook, tidy up etc when we have people over, remember b.days etc
-Housework- cleaning, washing, ironing, mending, replacing etc
-Cooking- me except about 3 times a year when he might have ago
-Gardening- planning (relitavely new house)tidying weeding planting etc, lugging heavy things about
-DIY- I will fix most things, build flat packs etc
-Builders,plumbers etc- I always book them/deal with them (just had lots work done- not sure builders knew his name)
-Bills- dh pays them all by direct debit but if there are any probs I wil be on phone for hours
-Car- I take it to garage etc and know how to change bulbs etc
-Pets- one cat, I've done all vets, feeding, litter tray etc
-Holidays- I think about/plan book etc though won't book til he has at least glanced over my shoulder and looked at brochure/computer screen and agreed

HIM:
-Earns all money and has done since ds1 was born ten years ago. He likes his job and is very highly regarded at work. There are periods which are very busy (now) but everyone that knows him (and it came up in his work appraisal) says that he becomes all consumed by it and over commits
-Childcare: Will look after kids and do all thats needed if I go out for an evening/day that I have told him about in advance and made prepartions (eg food prepared, kids in jamas already eyc) He also takes them out and helps with schoolwork when he is here and enjoys it
-Demolition- knocked down a small wall in garden last year
-Goes to rubbish dump- to get rid of above rubble and other junk sometimes

Generally I feel there should be more balance. It's not just the doing its the thinking about it all and feeling solely responsible. I also help out at ds's school, run a playgroup etc so feel I'm really busy in addition to alll the above! Dh says he's happy to contribute more when he can but he ends up not knowing what to do with himself when he's here because he's so busy at work so much of the time. I just think he's got to more conscios of everything that goes on at home. After all aren't we supposed to be doing this whole family thing TOGETHER????

So, how does your life work???!!!

How old are your children, OP? Do you have enough money to offload tasks to someone else, eg a gardener?

We all need to drop out when concentrate on work. Just relax and talk to him if a problem he probably does not know how you feel and if you do not you will get more resentful.

Here's our list

Me:
90% of housework
Self employed so work around 20-30 hours a week at home
most bedtimes involving bathing DDs etc
Most or all of the docs and dentists appointments are aranged by me...social things for DDs and school duties such as cake baking and volunteering

DH
Works 3 night shifts and 2 day shifts
About 70% of the cooking
About 70% of school runs
Very often DH arranges llittle get togethers for the DDs at the local park with another Dad and varius kids...he's far more sociable than I am.
He does the DIY but I do sometimes paint walls!

Looking at it I probably do more housework than is fair but he does work night shifts which knacker him.

At the moment I am bringing in more money than DH but due to the nature of our work that changes and is not an issue. I do feel that I need to "drop out" of family life sometimes due to work....so does DH...it sounds to me like you need something other than family....something for you OP!

Sandwiches offers good advice.

I don't know. It does sort of rely on someone being a reasonable, rational person you can sit down and have a good conversation with.

Have you ever said "we are a team." ?

I wonder if you could put it like - this is our family. These are all the things that must be done in a family - earning money, cleaning, paperwork, cooking, childcare, etc etc etc, the sum total of this is our responsibility. All the things involved in running a family are of equal importance. You can earn all the money in the world, but if you come home and there's no food, the children haven't been taken care of and are hungry and scared - the family has failed. Equally, you can have the cleanest, best home in the world, with children straight out of mary poppins, but if there's no money at all, then the family has failed.

What you do doesn't matter more than what I do, what I do doesn't matter more than what you do, what matters is what WE do.

And look at it in terms of a fair working week. If he works outside the home for 40 hours - then you have an equivalent working week of 40 hours. Anything that is done outside of that is a straight 50/50 split.

But, of course, if you are talking to the sort of person who sees value only in paid work, then you may as well turn to the living room wall and talk to that

well i do all your list, except some of the cleanings done by a cleaner; the DIY by a man i organise and i work 4 days a week. so agree with some of the other comments - you seem to have a pretty dossy life from where i'm sitting, especially compared to your husband who's working 7 days a week you say.

Ge sounds like he's a workaholic and/or using work as an excuse to bow out of family life.

I don't think that is acceptable and I also don't think that you doing everything all the time is acceptable either.

When he is there then stuff should be shard. DH would never just sit there while I did everything. We both muck in and what needs doing gets done.

IMO the greatest pressure in most jobs is not the work itself, it's the fact that you're having to perform to someone else's standards

That is a very good insight, and that those standards are capricious.

Fwiw I have done the SAHM with school going kids, there is no way it is equal intensity or time to holding down a full time job.

But SAHM with 2+ kids under 4 - way more stressful than a full time job.

SAHM - the key is in home - Far too many women think they are just child carers and that is exclusively their role.

Your DH's work puts the roof over your head and the food on your table and allows you to stay at home. Weekends are very different from weekdays - but as I imagine most of your children are at school (if you have been home for 10 years) then the large proportion of running the home will fall to you.

If you can't get balance right and stop listing what each other does, then your relationship is very rocky.

I work FT but my hours are generally 4 hours shorter because I don't have the commute DH does. Therefore the running of the house and meals are done before he comes in. He had a serious operation 3 weeks ago and is back on the mend and more mobile now - it is bliss to come in to the dishwasher humming quietly, the washing on the line and the hoovering done. I wish he would work from home more often! Infact he's cooked as well this week because I've keeled over as soon as I get in at 4.30 (heavy week).

Partnership is the key. If you havent got that you havent got anything, just two people living under the same roof.

YANBU to aks for a list - I love making lists

Me: work 28 hours a week
Cooking - whenever DH is on a working day and most joint days off
Social lives- birthdays/holidays, etc
Finances- inc bills/hoildays/budget/booking MOT's, etc
Ordering online shop
DIY
General day to day tidying
Childcare when I'm not working and shared on joint days off

DH: work 33 to 52 hours a week
Cooking- on my working days and occassionally on joint day off
Once a month date night out planning
Taking delivery of online shop
Heavy lifting
Once a week big clean
Childcare alone one day a week and shared on joint days off

We are both shift workers and DH's rota means he works 3 then 4 then 5 days a week on a rolling pattern. This is all about to change to a much more knackering rota come April so maybe some other things will change.

I don;t see how that will help you though. You don;t work so will automatically do more at home. Your DH works more than mine and thus has less time to do home stuff. Like everyone has said it is up to you to find a balance. I think you need to find a way to feel like you get equal time off. Your DH is choosing to work and perhaps taking on more then is fair to the family as a whole. Equally maybe you should choose to do less and may feel less resentful. TBH it sounds like you have a never ending day but some of it is your own choice.

Yes you are being unreasonable and mean spirited. You must be a joy to live with.

if you are fed up doing so much around the house, could you not try and get a paid job. you could then pay someone to do some of the things on your list.

OP - have done and do all that you do over the years and have been very happy to support a workaholic husband. Although I don't do the gardening, or the heavy things. I went back to work when our youngest started school so do a full time job as well and that has been of enormous benefit to me personally, professionally and socially. Our dc are now 13 and 17 and admittedly a lot of stuff is now outsourced and for as long as we are both working full time there won't be any big building or relocation projects.

I well remember the bitching at primary level from other mothers. "I wouldn't let my husband work those hours", "you should share things", "he shouldn't miss a parents' evening". It worked for us and was none of their business. Their comments now are more along the lines of: "you are so lucky", "it's alright for you", "it must be lovely not to have to work".

It's sad that you are feeling so hard done by. I have always felt that DH and I have invested about 50-60 hours each a week into the family but that DH's contribution was intellectual, career based and economic and mine was more home based although later I did return to work very successfully. Overall we have achieved what we have achieved as a team.

Why unreasonable and why mean spirited? I hardly think a list request deserves a personal attack on OP!?

OP's DH is making a choice, without family consultation, to take on so much work he is not involved in family life. While I agree OP's perception may be a bit skewed I think it is totally understandable as resentment builds quickly when you don;t feel valued.

married - that is a lovely way to look at it

In our family, we both start work at about 7am, we both finish at about 6pm, anything that needs doing after that time gets done by whoever can be bothered to do it.

Most nights I have extra bits of work to do in the evening, and many days he has to be up at 4am as he has early starts in various parts of the country..

I work for the family business and can do a lot of my job on the move with a blackberry and a diary, which means I can also fit in taking my elderly MIL to medical appointments, do my shopping, and do the housework as the rest of my job is working from home.

If I were to write a list, it would "look" very heavily weighted in my favour, but realistically he goes out and has deadlines to finish work, an employer who expects standards and a certain number of hours work out of him, and I can shove a load of washing in the machine at home between customer phone calls very easily, as well as cook dinner too..

Yes squeaky- you give a very good example of why lists don't work.

The laundry thing in particular makes me giggle. Laundry is NOT hard labour these days. I do about 90% of the laundry in our house, even though we both work full time, and it would honestly never occur to me to put it on a list because it's such an easy thing. Bung in the machine, flick a switch. Hang out or stick in the dryer later. Most items don't need ironing. Dh does his work shirts, though if I were home all day id probably do them. Underwear, bedsheets etc don't need ironing.

Running a home just isn't the huge domestic drudgery that it was 60 or 70 years ago. Shopping doesn't involve trudging round numerous small shops- you either do a supermarket run or shop online and get it delivered. Even cleaning is a lot easier with the products and equipment available now. I remember my mum sweating away with a carpet sweeper (remember those?!) oh and also cutting the lawn with a push along mower. Tbh I'm always a bit sceptical when people try to make

Oops - make out that normal daily chores are hard labour. They just aren't these days. If you have a job you will do all these things too!

I love lists too.

Me:
Work 35 hours per week (officially).
Ds nursery/pick up.
Cook most meals/packed lunches.
Share weekend housework.

Dh:
Work 35 hours per week.
Dd school drop off/pick up (club).
Arranges breakfast.
Gets both dc ready for nursery/school.
Dishwasher after dinner and in morning.
Kids bath and bed routine(except 2 nights when I do bed but not bathtime).
Bins
DIY
Share weekend housework.

Both do:
Dd's clubs, weekly shop, homework supervision. When not at work, school, nursery we are always all together. Through choice. Dc are still young, I know it won't always be this way.

Looking at tout list, it seems that you have it quite cushy. The only regular tasks you have to perform are cooking, cleaning and childcare (which seems to be augmented by nursery/playgroup provision)

The other stuff booking a car service, supervising builders etc. Are one off jobs that happen once in a blue moon. They aren't exactly ardous either and to my mind are just part and parcel of the SAHP role. All of the above working couples manage to fit in around their paid employment, yet you manage to make them fill your entire day.

Whilst you detail individual tasks, you do, lump your husband's contribution as 'earns money' rather than breaking down everything. It is also a 5 day a week, 8 hours plus commitment.

I wont do a list but I am about to have a conversation with DH. I went back to full time work recently after working part time and he hasn't even considered the implications of that on the household chores so we will be sitting down and discussing it soon.

however I do find DH has an automatic default when it involves the kids (including chores such as washing their clothes, anything related to the school). I get the impression when he baths them, does h/w he feels he is helping me out rather than it being part of his role as a parent. Its obviously more apparent now we are both in FT work. To be honest, he's pretty good once its been pointed out (like he now drops the kids off in the morning and makes their lunches) but it irritates that I have to point it out (makes me sound like a nag) rather than him just taking equal responsibility.

My list is strangely similar to OPs, except I earn 1/3 of the household income as opposed to DH's 2/3, and DH will make calls if the utilities people are causing problems. My work plus commute works out at 52 hours a week and his works out at 60 hours a week. One day a fortnight he works from home, and might or might not do the school/nursery run if he is not having a lie in, plus he might pick up the dry cleaning on that day. We have a cleaner who comes in for two hours a week to break the back of the housework, but it needs supplementing, and I tend to do this apart from twice a year DH might step in. Nearly every day he is here is arranges breakfast (i.e primes the teasmaid and puts some cereal on a tray for me the night before). He cooks once or twice a week, but I have to help.

At the weekend he usually does the Saturday morning kid taxi service to their various places, and might do a top up shop while he is out. If the kids need something, invariably he calls for help and I have to help or advise him on making food, changing nappies (he claims he doesn't know what clothes to change them into, what cream to use, etc), giving them baths (he claims he likes my company but then tends to wander off and do something else). He is happy to do the bedtime stories and also nag our teenager to get his act together generally. He is also happy to do the laundry but less good at finishing it, so we tend to end up with slightly damp clothes all over the house for days on end, and stuff going slightly whiffy in the washing machine and needing doing again then next day, unless I insist he gets through a reasonable amount the same day. I usually do the ironing, but once a month, he will do his shirts and occasionally other things, if the ironing basket is completely exploding with clothes, the stuff has all got mega creased because of the sheer weight of it all, and we have more or less all run out of clothes (which is why I tend to step in regularly!)

I think he's pretty OK in the house, more than OK even, but very bad at prioritising and completing tasks, in a way that would be completely unacceptable in his day job, which can be somewhat baffling and frustrating in equal measure. However in his defence I am a bit of a housekeeping Boffin as well, with my own housekeeping blog as well, so standards can be rather high over here.

You need to have a conversation with your DH about his work/life balance and the way he opts out of family life.

I work full time, so does DH. I earn about 4/5 his salary, but my job is more secure. We are out of the house for work about the same time. I start early and do the pick up in the evening, he starts late and does the drop off in the morning. I work a lot in the evening, he does the PTA, scouts helper, and some work at home too.

I do washing at weekends. He does it before work in the week. I put all the washing away at the weekends.

I organise an internet shop weekly, we both pick up extras on the way home. I do list cooking. He cooks dinner maybe once a week under direction. But he does bring me breakfast in bed on Saturdays and Sundays!

He does most gardening, all DIY, and he does a lot of it, and keeps 2 old cars in the road. He likes this, and I like weekend cooking, but they still go in the mix I reckon.

We share taxi duties according to who is available.

We have a cleaner who does the ironing. We don't clean in between (slatterns). We tidy together in a panic the night before (children too).

I think we have it sorted most of the time.

I'm going out on a limb here and am going to say that the op's list might have some bias involved