AIBU to write a definitive list of all dh's contibutions to our family life and all mine- and to ask you to do the same!!!

[yosammitysam]

Many of our arguments revolve around this theme or are thinly disguised versions of this argument. Dh feels he is the breadwinner and I dont appreciate that. I feel I do EVERYTHING else and he doesnt appreciate that. Yet another row last night (we are having a rough patch at the moment- he's been working 7days a week for a month) ended with him saying "write a f*ing list then". So I am. And I'd love to compare it with yours.

ME:
-Childcare- feeding/health/school/clothes/social lives/clubs etc etc
-Our social/family lives- do all the organising/planning (his and my family) cook, tidy up etc when we have people over, remember b.days etc
-Housework- cleaning, washing, ironing, mending, replacing etc
-Cooking- me except about 3 times a year when he might have ago
-Gardening- planning (relitavely new house)tidying weeding planting etc, lugging heavy things about
-DIY- I will fix most things, build flat packs etc
-Builders,plumbers etc- I always book them/deal with them (just had lots work done- not sure builders knew his name)
-Bills- dh pays them all by direct debit but if there are any probs I wil be on phone for hours
-Car- I take it to garage etc and know how to change bulbs etc
-Pets- one cat, I've done all vets, feeding, litter tray etc
-Holidays- I think about/plan book etc though won't book til he has at least glanced over my shoulder and looked at brochure/computer screen and agreed

HIM:
-Earns all money and has done since ds1 was born ten years ago. He likes his job and is very highly regarded at work. There are periods which are very busy (now) but everyone that knows him (and it came up in his work appraisal) says that he becomes all consumed by it and over commits
-Childcare: Will look after kids and do all thats needed if I go out for an evening/day that I have told him about in advance and made prepartions (eg food prepared, kids in jamas already eyc) He also takes them out and helps with schoolwork when he is here and enjoys it
-Demolition- knocked down a small wall in garden last year
-Goes to rubbish dump- to get rid of above rubble and other junk sometimes

Generally I feel there should be more balance. It's not just the doing its the thinking about it all and feeling solely responsible. I also help out at ds's school, run a playgroup etc so feel I'm really busy in addition to alll the above! Dh says he's happy to contribute more when he can but he ends up not knowing what to do with himself when he's here because he's so busy at work so much of the time. I just think he's got to more conscios of everything that goes on at home. After all aren't we supposed to be doing this whole family thing TOGETHER????

So, how does your life work???!!!

I could never write a list. We tag team and share - it is called a partnership, which is what I think marriage should be.

I am not sure reading other peoples lists will help you. Someone else could produce a 'list' identical to yours, but be perfectly happy.

It is the essence of the marriage you need to address, the moment where you stopped wanted to help each other and started making lists, not the amount each other is doing.

I do think you do a lot op. More than me (I refuse point blank to get involved with DIY, car, garden,pets but I do work pt.

However, your list is slightly unfair as you list all the little things you do, and then on your dhs list it more or less just says 'earns money'.

Sorry posted too soon! I also don't iron. However I do almost everything else that you do. Saying that, we have a lot of dIY to do, and dh spends most weekend days doing it.

You need to look at spare time to work out if your situation is fair imo.

Completely agree with ithaka

I would also add that there's an awful lot which a list CAN'T tell you - eg 'hidden' stresses and pressures

To be totally frank, on the face of it, if your children are school or play group age (which I'm assuming they are because you mention helping out at school and playgroups) then I think you've got quite a nice lifestyle. Many of the things you mention- planning the garden, planting, selecting holidays, buying birthday presents, can all be done at a time that suits you. You aren't having to dance to anyone else's tune. IMO the greatest pressure in most jobs is not the work itself, it's the fact that you're having to perform to someone else's standards. There are externally controlled targets which you have to meet. Whereas if you have a bit of a 'down day' and slob around a bit, no one will give you a bollocking for it. And that's exactly the type of thing that a list doesn't show.

Obviously things like daily cooking and tidying take up time, and need to be done to fit other people's times not just to suit you, but in all honesty I can't see those as 'huge' issues- Because if you were working you'd still be doing them too.

But as ithaka says- the main issue is that neither of you seem happy. If you want a better balance, I suggest you split earning and domestic responsibilities more equally. That's what we've always done. I wouldnt want sole responsibility for all the cooking , cleaning, childcare etc so have always made sure I've taken my share of earning too

Childcare, housework, earning money, pets, car, garden, DIY, cooking, and everything else..... all me. Lone parent that would love to dump some responsibility on another person 'balance things up' but hey, you make your bed and you lie in it. Don't see your problem.

I agree writing a list is ridiculous. I always thought we would help each other out all the time and it would be a two way street. I have always cooked and cleared up in the evenings as I feel he has been at work all day and it's lovely to come home to something nice to eat and to have a rest. I didnt start doing it cos I felt I had to- I wanted to do it. When I lived with friends, we kind of all took turns doing this. But he just doesnt do the same sort of thing back. Now we have 3 dc's I just thought he would become a bit more involved and just kind of "see" what I was doing a bit more. I'm just feeling exceptionally tired and unhappy.

And yes- redhotpokers - I entirely agree, just saying 'earns money, set against a list detailing every single domestic chore she does, gives a skewed picture. If we saw a list detailing everything he probably has to do in his job, it would be more accurate. But as I say, a list of tasks still doesn't convey the underlying level of difficulty and pressures of those tasks

wow !! We do not need to do this we are a family and all dig in and get stuff done. I think you have a more underlying problem to get so worked up and are finding excuses. That said my DH never , never, never makes the bloody bed drives me bonkers !!!!!!!!

Could you get a job?

We both work. I earn more. The other stuff is split, fairly equally, although it depends on how busy I am. In term-time he does more, in holiday time I do (I'm a teacher).

if youre going to write a list detailing exactly what you do in the day, but then put your dps contribution as "earns all money" Im assuming he just doesnt sit there while the money appears.

Would it help if you asked your DH to do specific things? And for you to prioritise with your side of the work. Do you enjoy running the playgroup?

He must do something more than just work, though.

He must give the kids brekkie sometimes, or tidy up a bit, or put a wash on, or unload the dishwasher, surely? Make a cuppa and then put the cups away afterwards, general stuff?

If he literally works and that's it then at home you are waiting on him then that sounds ridiculous.

I have 5 and 3 yr old boys and a 6 month old baby. I do almost everything on your list, my DH does take the eldest to school about half the time as I don't drive and he is only working downstairs. I'm perfectly happy with the division but if you aren't I'm not really convinced that it's about the division of labour, I think it's more that you are feeling unappreciated and that you are expected to do everything.
What about having a talk with DH to put this across and it might go better than a 'you don't do enough' chat.

I'm not writing a list about what we do in our day. I'm writing a list of our contributions to family life. His is mainly financial. I am going back to work at the end of the year but I don't know how I am going to manage this with everything at home. His job, or at least the way he does it, won't change. He will still feel he contributes all he can.

Obviuosly I know his job is demanding (did a similar one myself in the past) but if he wants our family life to be succesful, surely a financial contribution is not enough?

Wouldn't it make more sense to class everything you both do as work, take that chunk aside and look at leisure time instead?

If you get into this sort of a row you're on a hiding to nothing. I know, we have done this loads of times - his arguing that his job is stressful and pressured whereas I'm "just" at home with the kids. And I'd think "I carried and delivered your three enormous children! I will always win!" Round and round, round and round.

I think you just have to agree you work equally hard EVEN if privately you know that's not the case.

You both fill a number of hours a day doing something. While you are on the phone (for hours????) sorting out bills, he is presumably doing his job, and so on..

He could fill a long list no doubt of what his job entails..

He does the morning school run and I do the afternoon one
We are both self employed
He does the dishes - always - and I do the ironing - always (I hate doing the pots and he hates ironing )

Apart from that -
me - everything that needs doing, if I'm the one that thinks of it first/feels like it first/gets to it first
him - everything that needs doing, if he's the one that thinks of it first/feels like it first/gets to it first

I think that you have to sit down with him and try to get him to see that you're a team. There really isn't my job and your job, there's a family, which is 'our' job - iyswim. You both contribute equally.

Sardine he does do the occasional other stuff (eg unstack dishwasher, make kids toast) but if he sees it as helping me out and if he's got work stuff to do he just doesnt do it. He has a creative job and has projects you could just keep working on ad infinitum. He doesnt seem able to make boundaries and say 'no, now my family has to come first'. He would never, ever, equate the level of importance of a job at home that needed doing with one at work. He is late home all the time, misses family events etc. This is unavoidable sometimes but not always

Agree that he could just as easily bulk out his list. Also agree that if all children are at school that takes a whopping junk of your work away. Also agree that writing a list is daft. It is hard to say if it is unfair without seeing HIS list version too.

We both work and share all household chores and childcare responsibilities pretty evenly. Think of it as a partnership.

If your dh wrote a list of everything he does at work it would be just as long as yours and comes with much more worry and stress I bet.

How easy do you think it is to earn enough money to allow you to spend your days running playgroups, supervising building work and researching holidays?

I'm confused now

You said you havent worked for ten years. So what job have you got which starts at the end of this year? Or are you thinking you might get a job?

Of course, once you're earning again, it's perfectly reasonable to adjust the balance and expect him to do more at home. However, unless you are returning to full time work at the same sort of pressure that he's under, it's entirely reasonable for you to continue to do more at home. I worked 3 days a week when our children were babies, so I did more at home because I was physically there more. When I returned full time when youngest was coming up to 4, we split it all equally

justhecate how do I get him to realise we're supposed to be a team???? He feels he has to be able to 'drop-out' when he needs to concentrate on work. I dont think this is acceptable.

That should have been *chunk

youre bound to have a much bigger contribution to family life if youre a SAHM though surely? Thats what being a SAHP is. Its not just supervising the kids, its taking care of the household stuff. Thats your daytime job.

Maybe you both just need to be respectful of each others contribution, rather than point scoring.