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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at masseuse insulting my body?

120 replies

TheEpilator · 09/03/2012 09:47

Went for a 'lovely relaxing' massage yesterday. I was a bit self-conscious about being nearly naked in front of a stranger, but once I relaxed it was I was feeling really chilled out, until she said that I shouldn't put on any more weight as my ankles would be damaged from the strain of "carrying all that weight around."

I am size 16, so I know not exactly sylph-like, but now feel really pissed off that my relaxing hour of pampering made me feel paranoid about my body. I spent the rest of the session feeling really conscious of the fat wobbling as she pummeled it and left feeling really tearful (still am today). Should I complain to her?

OP posts:
PMTIsMe · 09/03/2012 11:37

I would have been very annoyed, definitely not the time and place for being called fat!!

pusheed may I add to the 'you sound cow-y' comments.

I once had an all over spray tan, had to put on those hideous tiny paper knickers. Beauty 'therapist' walked in, looked at me and sniggered Shock
I was a few months post birth and probably not so lithe and thought 'Just you wait 10 years you smug b*h!' Grin (Apols for hijack op!)

VonHerrBurton · 09/03/2012 11:38

I wish I'd thought to complain about the passive aggressive bitch beauty therapist that did a facial for me a few months ago. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

She asked (whilst twirling hair around fingers and chewing gum) 'what skin 'av ya got' hmm. I replied, 'oh, it's really quite dry, but I try to look after it as best I can, I try not to neglect it' After I lay down on the bed she uhhmmd and aaahhd and said 'well, no matter what you do, your skin needs you to drink water - god, its sooooo dry' err, yeah, I just said that. Then went on to pass little comments about my freckles and the sun, lack of use of eye cream etc to her colleague who was working on a stranger a few beds away.

What's laughable is I do drink water - about two litres a day. I also use eye cream but the last thing I wanted to do was get into an argument with the stupid cow. So I left, quietly embarrassed.

OhBuggerandArse · 09/03/2012 11:39

Am not going to get involved in the weight debate, but I do think Art's post is very interesting. If cultural differences can place these kinds of personal comments in a different context, shouldn't we think a bit about why we find them so insulting?

Rightly or wrongly, people are only stating a truth as they see it - surely the insult is created by our interpretation of their words, not by the (often factually correct) thing that is said?

A lot of this is internal, I think, and we don't do ourselves any favours by getting furious with the person who happened to say whatever it was.

PandaWatch · 09/03/2012 11:40

Sorry Art I find it hard to believe that someone can be size 16 and very thin - I'm 5' 10" and a size 8 - 10. I'm slim but not a stick and don't have particularly small bones.

I don't think the debate should be about whether size 16 is thin, fat or average. The OP has said she doesn't consider herself to be sylph-like but and to try to say someone can be a size 16 and very thin is a completely unrealistic diversion from the main point that, completely unprompted and uninvited, someone made a personal remark about the OP that was not only uncalled for even if the OP was a size 36 but wholly unneccessary given that, whilst size 16 is not stick-thin it is a completely normal size and, I'd imagine, within a healthy weight range.

PandaWatch · 09/03/2012 11:43

Oh and by the way OP my mum recently went for a freebie treatment and "beauty consultation". My mum is 70 this year but has beautiful dewy skin and hardly any lines and has always stayed out of the sun. The "therapist" said to her "ooo - you're obviously a sun worshipper. There's a lot of sun damage" then tried to sell her some overpriced skin repair treatment Hmm.

I reckon whoever said that she probably had some herbal weightloss treatment to sell you is probably spot on. Cheeky mare.

samstown · 09/03/2012 11:43

I agree that size 16 (especially today's 16), is too much fat for a female human being to be carrying. Western society has indeed lost sight of what is 'normal' and many people who are called 'too thin' or 'skeletal' are in fact the healthiest weight.

However, the OP went for a relaxing massage and it was absolutely NOT the place of the therapist to make any sort of comment whatsoever about her weight, factually correct or otherwise.

PMTIsMe · 09/03/2012 11:44

Where is the thread off to now!? Surely it is about the appropriateness (or not!) of a massage therapist lecturing on weigth issues? Not her place I dont think. Or can any random stranger we come into contact with have a say about any old issue they perceive us to have? (pols for any sp errors, dicky keyboard)

hubbabubbabubba · 09/03/2012 11:45

I think you are being over-sensitive to be upset over her saying you have dry skin!

And, if i was over the size ten mark (this is me speaking personally - does not reflect on anyone else!) then i wouldn't want to be naked with a stranger anyway!

bibbityisaporker · 09/03/2012 11:46

Oh PLEASE not the fucking size 16 debate AGAIN.

Op - let her know that you absolutely did not rate her as a massage therapist and explain exactly why you will not be re-booking.

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive · 09/03/2012 11:52

Wow Pusheed that was just plain bitchy.I bet you wouldn't dream of saying that to someones face would ya? I am embarrassed for you. Blush OP, send her an email outlining your complaint. Tell her how you won't be using her again and how you'll make sure your friends don't unless an apology is made. It might have been a bit of a balls up on her part and she deserves the chance to apologise and put things right.

ArtVandelay · 09/03/2012 12:10

I don't know Panda, Granny bought and wore size 16 clothes and she had sticklike arms and legs and didn't have a big tummy or anything. Never checked her out completely naked and she wasn't wearing body-con clothes but it just is as I said it.

Bugger can I call you that? I love that word! I was briefed by my friend that if I wanted a cheap, good haircut then I might have to tolerate some choice comments. I think she went easy on me really!

Sometimes people go too far, like the woman who helpfully told my friend (in front of loads of people) that she did not 'match' her husband because she was fat and he was very sporty and that she should lose weight or maybe he would get another woman that did match. Often its like people just think something and say it with no attempt to consider the consequences which is not nice.

roguepixie · 09/03/2012 12:13

Wow, am shocked and saddened for you.

The point is not whether a size 16 person is thin, fat or somewhere in-between. That argument will run and run forever.

TheE, you need to let her know that her comments were neither appropriate or requested. You went for what should have been a nice treatment. You should have come out floating, instead you came out tearful and upset.

Send her an email explaining how she has made you feel. However, I would not hold your breathe awaiting a reply - if she is the type of person who could make such an inappropriate statement to a paying client then she is unlikely to even approach an understanding of how she has upset you. If nothing else, though, it will allow you to make your feelings known to her.

Don't let it put you off. There are lovely therapists out there who would give you relaxing treatments and no commentary on anything personal.

I hope you feel better today.

ArtVandelay · 09/03/2012 12:19

Sorry if I raised the size 16 debate a bit. I didn't want to, I was just meaning I didn't think it was a size worth remarking on. I didn't like the comment that said the OP had abandoned all hope by allowing herself to be that size. I'm really sorry if I have deviated from the point.

PrettyPollytheParrot · 09/03/2012 12:27

Well obviously you're not a stick insect but a size 16 is hardly the end of the world and it was absolutely not her place to say anything! I would complain and point out to her that making customers feel uncomfortable and embarrassed is hardly going to encourage them to return!

JamRagRolyPoly · 09/03/2012 12:32

That's really nasty Sad sorry she made you feel so awful. I would definitely complain.

wildfig · 09/03/2012 12:36

If you have no intention of going there again, I would write her a passive agressively friendly note saying that as she's so open to giving and receiving advice, you thought she'd want some feedback on your experience. That feedback being that making unsolicited comments on her clients' bodies puts an unnatural strain on the client/therapist relationship, and might lead to future damage to her repeat bookings.

coraltoes · 09/03/2012 12:40

Op, I hady nails done today. When I booked I said they were a disaster, plus dry skin after a year of maternity leave a general neglect. When she started working on them she was telling me off for not looking after my cuticles with oil. I pointed out you don't get much time when you have a baby, that I was aware they looked bad, but that's why I was paying to fix it...with a manicure...not a lecture. I said it in a friendly way. She laughed acknowledging she had been a bit hard and we had a lovely manicure session. If you had turned at the time and said "Jesus Christ, now you want me to let you loose on my body after that insult?!" she may well have expanded a bit or apologised.

Original poster
TheEpilator · 09/03/2012 12:57

Thanks to all those who have agreed that it wasn't her place to advise me on my general fitness. I may go down the 'friendly PA note' route, or I may just mention when my friends want to book her that they'd better not be feeling sensitive!

Art that's exactly how I took Pusheed's comment too - "you're too late to care about your body if you've let it get into that state". Thanks for your perspective.

To clarify, for those who have missed the point, my question was NOT "AIBU to be a size 16", as we all clearly realise that anyone over a size 10 should be kept hidden in the loft Grin.

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 09/03/2012 12:59

coraltoes I have that every time I go to the hair dressers makes me quite stabby; "god your hair is dry, ooh it's really damaged and there's loads of split ends" yeah, cheers for that, KIND OF WHY IM HERE FOR FUCKS SAKE

And breathe.

Original poster
TheEpilator · 09/03/2012 13:00

roguepixie thanks, have been a bit teary this morning too and explained why to DH, who did his best to say the right things, which doesn't come easily to him at all, bless him.

Now feeling much better, especially after reading all your comments. Was expecting more bitchiness from AIBU so I'm pleasantly surprised.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 09/03/2012 13:01

YANBU op, your weight is none of her jeffing business. Not the way to make a client feel happy and relaxed! Completely unprofessional behaviour.

Original poster
TheEpilator · 09/03/2012 13:01

jamrag that's why I cut my own hair. Not the ideal time to get 'stabby' when surrounded by scissors!

OP posts:
PrettyPollytheParrot · 09/03/2012 13:03

Grin at hidden in the loft.

JamRagRolyPoly · 09/03/2012 13:05

Haha true epilator

Also had it at the dry cleaners: "god look how dirty this coat is!"

I know it's not the same as someone calling you overweight at all though x

cathkidstonbag · 09/03/2012 13:05

As a massage therapist I can see why maybe she let you know your skin was quite dry. Sometimes people don't realise that areas of their skin are dry and it's the kind of thing a therapist would talk with them about in a non-patronising manner. But the ankles thing? Definite no to pass a comment like that. Even if you had an ankle problem that you asked for advice on, then she should have been trained not to make any personal comments at all. A client having a massage should not at any time be made to feel uncomfortable, kind of defeats the purpose of it. Write and complain, their staff should be trained properly and she obviously was not.