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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have had a complete hissy fit try to get DS1 up and out to uni?

123 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 09:40

I'm shouting at him.

He knows were he is ment to be and he is not there!

I even used the word's 'I don't care , get your ass out of bed , get dressed and go to uni'

AIBU doing that though? Should I just leave him to it?

OP posts:

bettybat · 09/03/2012 13:46

I think we've all said that a hundred times, in a hundred different ways MrsJay

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 13:49

Yeah we have betty I dont know what she wants us to say nobody has really agreed that she should be shouting on her son to get up or say yeah hes only 18 let him take the piss .

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 13:51

errr no you 'all haven't' bettybat

most of the advice is kick them out ,,,,i can't understand why you are still letting them stay with you ....kick them out

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 13:55

Most of the advice hasn't been that, Creamola.

Some people have said that on the back of yet more examples of your DS and his girlfriend taking the piss and we are all trying to show you that no one else would stand for that.

Lots of people have given lots of advice, examples and reassurances that the world will not end if your DS grows up a bit.

What exactly do you expect people to say?

maybenow · 09/03/2012 13:57

I am genuinely curious about how families in countries like italy and spain work - where young adults live at home and yet still become adults.

I left home for uni and it was very important to me that my parents and I had that break then came back together with me as an adult and even still Uni holidays were hard (I only spent one summer at home but lots of easters and christmases).. but I don't know if that's our crap disfunction... I could NOT have lived at home through Uni, my parents and i would have all blown up.

This is important for us as a country because home-uni is going to be MUCH more realistic for most 18-21yr olds from now on...

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 13:57

And tbh, given the circumstances, I can't understand why you are letting the girlfriend stay with you.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 14:01

Maybe I think a lot of it depends on how the parents handle it.

I couldn't have gone back home once I'd left, but I'm 37 and my mum still treats me like a child! DH on the other hand has been completely independent (whilst living at home) since he was 18 (actually I would say younger). And it was ok for him.

I think that you need to be able to step back and acknowledge that whilst that person is still your child, they are no longer a child.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 14:02

And let them make, and learn from, their own mistakes.

It's how we all did it! You can't baby your children into a fully functioning adult. It's a 'journey' they need to take themselves, whilst knowing you are there for support.

bettybat · 09/03/2012 14:04

OP you're being ridiculous - myself and Folkgirl - who's said it MULTIPLE times, has said you don't have to kick him out, but he needs to start behaving like an adult that pays his way.

You're only reading what you want to.

maybenow · 09/03/2012 14:05

I think folkgirl that my parents (although wonderful and lovely) would not have been able to adjust to having an 'adult flatmate' or 'lodger' in the house and so could not allow me to live independently... but i was stifled at 19 by living 'as a family', they quite understandably wanted to always give me the benefit of their experience (e.g. don't do it like that, you'll ruin the oven) and i wanted needed to make my own mistakes.

You see these big families in italy, spain etc. where they live 'as a family' with multiple generations but also all as adults... i just don't know if i can do it as the parent when my times comes.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 14:05

bettybat I'm going to take that as my cue that I need to find something else to do with my Friday!

exoticfruits · 09/03/2012 14:12

I can't see why you would even get involved in his arrangements-let him sort it out himself.

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 14:15

No No, this is a good way to spend a Friday, folkgirl.

hattifattner · 09/03/2012 14:20

I think your son can stay - but you have to get the girlfriend out, because what would you rather be doing.....shagging someone, or making your way over to uni for a boring lecture? All the time she is at home and unemployed, she's going to be very .... persuasive ...in getting him to stay home and keep her company all day.

I think you will find that once she is gone, he will become more self driven. You and he may even find some equilibrium again, and he might just take some responsibility for his life.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 14:20

i do apologise if I have read your posts the wrong way bettybat folkgirl

I really do

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 09/03/2012 14:36

So what is your response to the (many) suggestions that you make him pay his own way if he's to stay in your house for the next few months?

bronze · 09/03/2012 15:44

The problem isnt with a young adult being at home
The problem isnt even with a uni student being at home and not paying rent

but the problem comes when you have a young person who lives at home who doesn't pull their weight and doesn't either go to uni or pay their way and then expects their gf to live for free too.
If they want to be treated as grown ups, as in have gf living there, then they need to act like grown ups

Most parents go with the rule if you're not in education then you pay your rent and do your share as if you were a lodger. Paying huge fees and having a place does not count as going to uni

ENormaSnob · 09/03/2012 16:13

Do you really believe the skanky, trampy gf is on the pill and has an implant?

ilovesooty · 09/03/2012 20:00

Develop a bit of self respect and stop babying him and behaving like a bloody doormat. I can't believe you're enabling his helplessness and acting like a human alarm clock. Are you going to do his coursework and sit his exams for him as well? If he stays, put some proper boundaries in place.

And chuck the girlfriend out.

tryingtoleave · 09/03/2012 20:52

First, I want to agree with everyone that these problems are of the op's own making and are not helping her son at all.

Secondly, to reply to those who ask how people become adults when they stay at home for uni - I stayed at home for uni because I was in Australia where the vast majority of city kids stay at home while doing their degree. There were no student loans, accommodation was expensive and it was not so much part of the culture to leave. But everyone who was studying also held down a part time job - partly for spending money/saving for travel and partly because you couldn't get a job after uni if you didn't have work experience. My parents never knew what my uni timetable was - I got myself up and out the house in the morning (as I had been doing since I was 12, actually).

Later, I did a masters in england and stayed with undergrads. These undergrads were, obviously, living out of home and looking after themselves but I was amazed at how they chose to live off their student loans and didn't consider getting part-time jobs, even though they sometimes struggled to get enough food and couldn't afford to go out much. It was lovely in a way, we all sat around chatting in the flat every evening, but it seemed very odd to me. Just different cultures...

PattiMayor · 09/03/2012 20:56

tryingtoleave - well then that's wrong. I did my degree in the long ago misty days when there were still grants but I still worked evenings and during the holidays. As does my niece now (who is doing her undergrad degree) but then she, like me, has worked since she was 15. I suspect it's an awful lot to do with how you've been raised ...

skybluepearl · 09/03/2012 22:06

I think it's quite normal for kids these days to live at home while at UNI. It never used to be this way in my day but it's more common now.

I think you have to treat your kid as you would an adult despite living at home. Sit down and have a meeting. Explain that from now on he will organise himself and maybe also hoover through the house once a week, cook a meal for everyone once a week, clean the loos once a week. I wouldn't expect rent but I would expect help running the household.

Angeleena · 09/03/2012 22:35

Sit down and have a meeting. Explain that from now on he will organise himself and maybe also hoover through the house once a week, cook a meal for everyone once a week, clean the loos once a week. I wouldn't expect rent but I would expect help running the household.

No offence skybluepearl but my response to that is hahahahahahahahahaha.

There is not a chance that (excuse my abrupt tone but I am getting v worked up on Creamola's behalf) the idle little * is going to do any of that, and less chance (only if she believes she is about to be chucked out on her ear) that his gf will.

I would chuck a bucket of water over him to wake him up (seriously- he is behaving like a naughty teenager so treat him like one) but suspect they keep their door bolted. So if that is not possible the next time they go out I would have the locks changed - if you have a locksmith standing by it only takes them minutes to fit proper 5 lever mortice locks. That way you then have time to fill all their belongings into black bin bags and put them outside the front door (chuck them from upstairs window if need be). Tell them they have to look after themselves now. They can then move in with gf's parents whilst they rethink their future together.

If they break in then call the police.

Don't get into discussion with DS over anything for at least 6 months. He will say anything to get back in.

After 6 months he will have got into the halls of residence/found himself a job/ have settled happily with his GF's parents/ split with girlfriend/ gone travelling round the world - whatever - I can't see his situation being worse than it is now.

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