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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have had a complete hissy fit try to get DS1 up and out to uni?

123 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 09:40

I'm shouting at him.

He knows were he is ment to be and he is not there!

I even used the word's 'I don't care , get your ass out of bed , get dressed and go to uni'

AIBU doing that though? Should I just leave him to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:35

oh no I do like still feeling like mum but I'm sure I'll still feel that way when I'm 90 and my dc's are 73 , 69 and 60

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:41

Yes, creamola we all feel like that about our children, but part of being a parent (and I think one of the most important things) is about teaching our children to be independent in the world.

Mine are only 13 and 5 but I am very conscious all the time that all the skills they are learning are because they won't be living with me forever and I want them to be independent and fulfilled. Not dependent and lazy.

We can love them and support them and still achieve this.

But I'm leaving the thread now. I can see that, once again, you are not interested in what people have to say. Perhaps you think we are all failing our children by forcing them to become independent.

This won't end well. But that's your choice. What's that phrase about making your bed and then lying in it?

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:42

Oh and I mean independent adults not that have advocated 'detachment parenting' or any such nonsense Wink

Proudnscary · 09/03/2012 11:42

Folkgirl you still haven't told me about the cat debacle

lesley33 · 09/03/2012 11:43

If you really want them to move out the obvious thing to do is givethem notice i.e. by this date you will have to move out. This gives them time to sort things out. But you have to mean it and stick to it. And you aren't doing him any favours still treating him like a child. He is an adult.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 09/03/2012 11:48

I know nothing of the back story. If he is adult enough to be living with his girlfriend, which it sounds like he is albeit in your house, then you really really shouldn't be getting him out of bed in the morning. It really is as simple as that.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:50

Oh sorry, proud. There was an issue a few weeks ago where the OP was offended that the girlfriend's mother hadn't wanted her to look after her cats whilst she went on holiday.

She's never met the girlfriend's mother (IIRC) but was put out that the mother was happy for her to house her daughter but didn't trust her to have the cats.

I think it basically boiled down to her being offended that the GF's mother wasn't going to be taking the piss too by asking her, a complete stranger, to look after her cats. A whole thread.

Clearly I spend too long on here Blush

Flisspaps · 09/03/2012 11:53

What Quint said.

hattifattner · 09/03/2012 12:01

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

What you are doing is not leading your son into an independant life. Your mollycoddling and enabling behaviour does not make you a good parent. You need to push him out of the nest and let him fend for himself for a while. If he wants to be in his own place for June, he had better have most of his deposit already and be working out how he will be paying rent. Or will the bank of mum be expected to pay that?

Tell him he is out 1 June, he needs to organise a student loan or something to have something to live on, and he needs to start looking around to see what he will be able to afford and how much money he will need to get in order to live.

She needs to move back in with her mum until they have a plan for moving out in June.

Stop being a doormat or a parental martyr.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:03

well folkgirl I had the same attitude as you once upon a time ....but it is different when it is reality

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 12:04

How is your reality different than everybody elses in this respect?

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:10

so is everyone here who is saying 'chuck him out' independant at age 18 and living in your own home , earning your own wage>

OP posts:
bettybat · 09/03/2012 12:15

I was. I moved to London when I was 18.5 - 200 miles away from home.

If my mother had said - leave, or start behaving like a lodger, an adult with prospects such as uni or a job, I would have.

lesley33 · 09/03/2012 12:16

yes I was

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:18

Yes I was too.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:20

Actually, I was at university at 18, living on a student grant/loan in a student house. When I left university, I found and job and paid my own way until I went back to university. When I still lived independently and paid my own way.

I left home at 18 and have not lived there since.

There isn't anything wrong with adult children living at home, but they need to be living as independent adults, not children.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:21

Exactly bettybat.

Mumsyblouse · 09/03/2012 12:22

Even if it were reasonable for him to live at home (most students don't, they live in halls and shared houses), it still wouldn't be reasonable for you to know his timetable and to be trying to manage his timekeeping and motivation. Next, you'll be ringing up the lecturers explaining why the dog ate his homework like some of the student's mums do at my university

Even if he's living with you, in fact, especially if he's living with you, you need to let go and let him sort out his own life even if that means watching him make a mess of it.

lesley33 · 09/03/2012 12:22

My bf was living alone in a house with a young baby at 18

bronze · 09/03/2012 12:24

I haven't said anything yet but I moved out at around that age, job and paid rent

OP either stop allowing his behaviour and attitude or stop whingeing

CharminglyOdd · 09/03/2012 12:25

Yes. At 19 (I was a year behind at school) I moved out into university accommodation, took out a full loan and had two part time jobs. Didn't touch my overdraft until after I graduated. I also paid for my MA from my savings that I'd built up from working since I was fifteen and through uni.

I moved back home after I graduated the MA (jobless, penniless, height of recession) but still managed to find a job waitressing and pay my DM some form of rent. She didn't want to take it but I made her because I was an adult and should have been paying my own way.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:25

mumsblouse so you wouln't shout at you 18 to get then I take it ?

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 12:27

Yes.

I dont know anybody who still lived at home at the age of 18/19.

All my friends lived in halls or flat-shares. We had student loans, managed all our own bills, cooking, laundry, our studies, and part time jobs.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:28

lol were did half my words go!

mumsyblouse so you wouldn't shout at your 18 year old to get up then I take it?

OP posts:
lesley33 · 09/03/2012 12:29

I do know people who still lived at home at 18/19, but they were all treated and largely behaved like adults. They had jobs or were at college and would have been mortified to be babbied in the way the op is babbying her ds