Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to have had a complete hissy fit try to get DS1 up and out to uni?

123 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 09:40

I'm shouting at him.

He knows were he is ment to be and he is not there!

I even used the word's 'I don't care , get your ass out of bed , get dressed and go to uni'

AIBU doing that though? Should I just leave him to it?

OP posts:

bettybat · 09/03/2012 12:30

You're ignoring everyone who responded to you asking who moved out/behaved like an adult by age 18. And only responding to the one person who might have innocuously said something that could be read by you as justifying your approach.

You're either a complete masochist who enjoys this, or a complete mug for letting your son and his girlfriend walk all over you. YOU are doing this to yourself, and him.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:33

I agree with bettybat.

The sad thing is, that your DS will suffer for this one day. And you will be in tears wondering where it all went wrong when all you ever did was love him.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:34

Is he your youngest?

AgentProvocateur · 09/03/2012 12:35

I'b be fine with my 18 year old DC still living at home, but we'd be living independent lives. I'd expect dig money, and I'd feed him if he was here at meal times, but NO WAY would I be responsible for getting him to uni on time. Seriously, you aren't doing either him or his GF any favours.

I was at uni living in a shared flat at 17.

Kayzr · 09/03/2012 12:41

I knew this would be Creamola.

Personally I wont chuck my kids out at 18 but there is no way in hell I would let their girlfriends move into my house. Also if they had jobs or were at uni they could easily get an alarm clock. I wouldn't be waking them up.

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2012 12:50

OP - what is your answer to all the points put to you as to why you enable this?
And why you allow his girlfriend to live with you?

halcyondays · 09/03/2012 12:50

It isn't that unusual to live at home at 18 or 19, but most parents wouldn't be having to chase them to get up and out to uni. He's an adult and should be capable of getting himself up and out.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:52

oldest folkgirl

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 09/03/2012 12:55

My brother was a bit of a slacker through school and didn't know what he wanted to do at 18. My parents said that he couldn't stay at home and needed to get out, find a place of his own and a job.

After a couple of years of living in shitty rentals and working dead-end jobs he realised that what he wanted to do wasn't what he was doing, applied for uni and ended up getting a first and now has a very respectable job.

My parents chucking him out was the making of him.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 12:56

I was out in my own flat too at 18 ...but I moved out because I wanted to and could afford to

I wasn't hassled out the door by my mother

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 12:58

Oh, I see. I just wondered because I know someone who had a very similar relationship with his mother but he was the youngest of 3.

He's 40 next year. His elder 2 siblings have both been to university and got post grad qualifications, are both married with children, both have very successful careers and are very well respected in their fields.

Whilst he flits from one rubbishy job and unstable relationship to another, still falls back on his mum and reverts back to that childish role because she never allowed her 'baby' to grow up. He has 2 children (that I know of so maybe more) that he has absolutely no contact with because it's all a bit too grown up and responsible. His life is all getting drunk, going clubbing, going to gigs, casual sex with girls he's picked up... Nothing like anyone else in their, very respectable and successful, family, he's still living like a teenager. But his mum has never made him face up to himself, his actions or the consequences. She just bails him out everytime. He just hasn't grown up. So sad when he had such potential.

I just wouldn't want that for your DS.

lesley33 · 09/03/2012 12:58

creomola - The choice ultimately is yours. Continue treating your dc like a child and him continuing to behave like a child. Or treat him like an adult. But the point is you are making a choice

coraltoes · 09/03/2012 12:58

You are always on here moaning about him and his girlfriend. Just pull your thumb out and bloody do something about your situation. I have a lot of sympathy if someone needs help. But when they do not help themselves I find it a bit tiresome really to watch them then wallow in their self created misery.

Your son will never learn to be an adult if you don't facilitate that transition for him. At present you are treating him like your baby, making life far too easy for him and his girlfriend.

PattiMayor · 09/03/2012 12:59

Every thread you ever start is like this Creamola. People (not just your DS but his gf and that sad excuse for a bloke the other week) walking all over you. I think you need to work on your self-esteem. You can't honestly enjoy living like this

Bellstar · 09/03/2012 13:00

I knew who this would be before I even opened the thread

Posters on here be warned-you are wasting your breath. Op will not listen to one word of advice.

Op-are you still letting the on/off boyfriend rip the piss out of you too?-or did he bring a nice present round....

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 13:03

The thing is Creamola, you don't want to chuck him out. And that's fine, but can you not see what everyone else is saying?

My DH lived at home until he was 28 and my (much younger!) best friend is moving out this year at 25. But since leaving school at 18 and 16 respectively, they have both worked full time and paid their way. They both paid rent, they both did their own shopping and laundry. That sort of thing. So the roof over their heads was owned by their parents, rather than themselves or a landlord, but they lived as fully functioning and independent adults.

I wouldn't kick my DCs out at 18 either, but I would not stand for being treated the way you are. As others have said, they would live under my roof, but we would live independent lives.

If you had rent off him, then you could put that to one side and give it back to him as a lump sum in the future. If you really felt bad taking it.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 13:04

Anyway creamola, in answer to your original question, Yes, YABU.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 13:10

errm I really don't think it is PattiMayor

your comment is a bit below the belt bellstar

OP posts:

PattiMayor · 09/03/2012 13:15

You don't think people walk all over you? Seriously?

I think the responses on this thread and your countless others show you're pretty much on your own in thinking that.

I shall bow out because you never listen and I've gone from wanting to support you to getting annoyed.

roundtable · 09/03/2012 13:16

Yabu Creamola, again

It's time for them to get jobs and move out and for you to stop being a martyr.

Good luck

Bellstar · 09/03/2012 13:17

Really? which bit creamola?-I think you will find it is fatually accurate-you posted about a man who blows hot and cold,lets you down regularly but promises gifts-is that not accurate?

Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong and I will of course apologise...

bettybat · 09/03/2012 13:21

Unfortunately bellstar, Folkgirl and many others are right. You are entirely the agent of your own demise in all of this. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

Your son is taking the royal piss out of you. But worse than that - you are letting him. This is entirely your own doing. You can't see it because you would rather fall back onto defensiveness - oh well I'll just let him claim benefits, shall I? What kind of mature answer is that??

You don't have to kick him out but you are allowing him to do to this to you. I've entirely lost patience with you. Demand he gets a job, or goes to uni, or he leaves. It's not rocket science.

Bellstar · 09/03/2012 13:23

Actually I completely agree with the other poster-I think op is living her life through her kids. It all sounds so immature really...

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/03/2012 13:28

My 23 year old moved back home after graduating from uni. He pays his way, does his own washing etc, has to let me know whether he will be in for dinner, and if he is, he eats what we have or has to buy and make his own. It's up to him to get up and go to work etc, not for me to tell him. At 18 he was managing it on his own in his own student house.

no one is suggesting you hassle your son out of the door, just that you set some ground rules and stop taking responsiblity for him. He will never take responsiblity for himself otherwise. You are actively encouraging him to grow up into a waste of space.

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 13:35

IN cremolas defence my daughter is nearly 19 and living at home It really isnt that unusual however with that living at home comes responsibilities IMO she drives to her college she works and although not perfect she is growing up getting her independence , She isnt a child she is a 19 yr old young woman and i treat her as that ,

Flip

1 2 3 4 5