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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have had a complete hissy fit try to get DS1 up and out to uni?

123 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 09:40

I'm shouting at him.

He knows were he is ment to be and he is not there!

I even used the word's 'I don't care , get your ass out of bed , get dressed and go to uni'

AIBU doing that though? Should I just leave him to it?

OP posts:

MortaIWombat · 09/03/2012 10:44

What FolkGirl said. Or you're just way below 100 IQ.

EightiesChick · 09/03/2012 10:49

They'll be doing final assessments and exams soon, so if he's not attending, he will find he's struggling to pass the year. Universities are less keen on continuing to support students who just don't bother now, as they tend to take ages to resit and complete their course and this drags the stats down. Tell him that and let him know if he gets kicked out it's down to him.

I would make sure you are not landed with paying any more fees or effectively doing so by giving him money. If he doesn't have a job he will need to get one like lots of other students.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 10:53

It's probably too late to say you need to nip this in the bud.

But you do need to act or at some point you'll be on here fretting that you've had to give up your bedroom for the nursery and wondering how you're going to earn a living now that you're looking after their baby everyday whilst they lie around in bed doing nothing and contributing nothing.

Seriously, Creamola you need to act.

Proudnscary · 09/03/2012 10:55

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 10:56

Cremola are you scared your son is going to hate you if you stop pandering to him and now her ? he really isnt a little child anymore its time for him to grow up and stop thinking mum is going to clean his behind for him ,

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 10:58

what folk girl just said
i do think this is where its all going to head very soon a baby could you cope with all that

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:03

Ok Squeakytoy say I do that tonight .......where exactly are they going to go

Neither has a wage ...............or should the Great British taxpayer just fund them housing benefit because they are 'taking the piss massively' in my house

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 11:05

It may give them a shake to get out of bed and do something do you not think they are capable to get a job and live on their own pay bills etc , he wont get state benefit anyway because he is a student ,

bettybat · 09/03/2012 11:06

They should get jobs! I know it seems like if they refuse to there's little point in suggesting it. But I get the impression you've never put your money where your mouth is, so he's never been tested. Maybe he might surprise you.

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 11:10

The girl has a mother.

Dont continue make her problems with her own mother YOUR problem.

Seriously grow a back bone. Your son will thank you for it in years to come.

I STILL dont believe how you let this little minx into your home, after she has threatened to kill herself when your son wanted to split up with her.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:13

they aren't going to get pregnant MrsJay , the gf is on major contraception (pills and implant) and using condomns , they at least know how to stop a baby being made

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/03/2012 11:15

Leave him too it, but refuse to fund him in any way. He is (presumably) at least 18. Let go.

I think kids are much better off going to uni miles away from home.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:15

Doesn't your son have a student loan?

Why can't he do what all the other students do? Work, rent you know, that stuff.

If you want them to stay, I would sit them both down and draw up a contract of sorts stating what you expect of them - both financially and practically around the house.

You can kick her out. She is nothing to do with you.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:16

QuintessentialyHollw today it's not her who has mucked up it's him , my DS1

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:17

"They aren't going to get pregnant"

Well you can categorically state that one of them isn't going to get pregnant.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:19

OP, I don't really know what you expect from this.

I certainly feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall, I'm sure other people are too.

What is it exactly you are looking for from these threads? No one is supporting the current state of affairs and everyone has given you advice.

But all I read in response are deflective comments and excuses.

RomeosMother · 09/03/2012 11:20

Creamola - really, really wish you well, but this is just a symptom. It is not going to get better. Keep posting, good luck.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:21

I don't want them to stay folkgirl Neither do they ..he,'ds1' keeps saying I'll defo have my own flat by june , being at home when you reach 19 is just sad

I completely encourage that

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 11:22

I am sorry, but this is going to sound really rude (I guess it is). But are you a really quite dense?

Do you not realize that your setup is highly unusual? Do you not realize that even the fact that your son lives at home rather than in student halls or bedsits, or student flat shares is unusual?

It is NOT unusual to have a part time job, to have student loans. It is however unusual to live with your mum.

YOU are failing your son.
He should be doing what most other students do: Move out, get on with his studies, find part time work, apply for student loans and LIVE HIS LIFE INDEPENDENTLY OF MUM.

I am a landlord. I have 4 students renters. All 4 work. All 4 have student loans. All 4 are graduating this summer. The have been living together for three years, managing life, work, education. Just like I did when I was their age.
This is what you should encourage your son to do.

I just dont understand how you can be such a silly doormat. What are you getting out of it? Mileage for thread after thread of self induced drama?

Stop being daft, stop wailing "but where are they going to go".
Find a solution! Or let him find a solution!

bettybat · 09/03/2012 11:24

Can't you see your the enabler in this situation? Both of them are living the high life as far as they're concerned.

I was the girlfriend in this situation, when I was seventeen. I spent virtually every night at the house. But my boyfriend was a twin and the mother loved having her boys at home all day long. She didn't really care if they went to uni or not, had jobs or not, and would do everything for them. The only thing she didn't do was give them any money. Eventually they worked out for themselves that if they wanted to hang out with their friends, they needed money.

It was a lazy, slovenly existence and I eventually got bored. At first it seemed so nice and cosy, especially as my own mum was so strict. But I didn't want to turn into their mother and she began expecting me to wash and iron his clothes for him. That freaked me out enough to spend less and less time at his house, concentrate on my own studies and get a job, and see less and less of them.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:25

But what is he doing to achieve that by June? Why June?

Unless you can see him working and saving for a bond/deposit, collecting ideas for the things he will need for his own flat, looking round 2nd hand shops/Ikea or whatever, they are just words.

They are very comfy where they are, what is their motivation to leave.

If he can't get himself out of bed to go to university when he has worked hard to get there and, presumably, wanted to go/chose the course himself, what motivation will he have to actually leave?

What happens in July if/when they are still there?

I can understand that he is your son and you want to support him, but everything you've posted recently suggests that they are taking the mickey, just a tad.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 11:25

lol @QuintessentialyHollow living my life through my teens? You kidding me ?

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:27

Ok so, QuintessentialyHollw summed up how I feel more accurately, but I didn't want you to feel 'got at' Creamola.

TroublesomeEx · 09/03/2012 11:30

I think you like the drama.

I think you like feeling needed.

I think you like still feeling like 'mum'.

But Quint is right. You are failing him. He is an adult now, a man. He should be more independent than he is.

Some adult children do still live at home, especially these days, but none of them live the existence you describe. None of the ones I know do anyway. DH lived at home till he moved in with me but he was completely independently and lived like a lodger. The same can be said of a friend of mine who is currently in the process of buying her own place in her mid twenties. But neither of them lived like children.

LittleWhiteWolf · 09/03/2012 11:30

YABU. I've not come across your threads before so I don't have a bigger picture like other posters, but in relation to your OP yes YABU.

Your son needs to get off his arse himself. Of course you want to see him succeed and not let his higher education drain down the toilet but you cannot physically make him go and you cannot guilt trip into going either. I was like this; the more my mum pushed (and she pushed me hard) the more I dug in my heels. I personally wasn't ready for uni at 18, a gap year would have suited me better...perhaps your son isn't ready for that kind of responsibility either? Maybe a stint in the real world without mum there will make up his mind as to whether its worth him sticking with uni. At least he might learn some self respect.

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