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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be involved with school gate politics

96 replies

filledwithdread · 08/03/2012 23:07

My DS starts school in September. Today I picked up a friends DD from school and experienced parent playground politics first hand. One mother gave me the "check-out-my-clothes-look-down-and-up" look, another mum wouldn't talk to me 'cos I was talking to someone she didn't like.

There's the one upmanship of who's child is doing what after school club, who's going on holiday where, what stage book is your child on? etc etc

I have chosen not to send my DS to this school 'cos of the snobbiness. Please tell me all schools are not like this? Or AIBU to want to remain grounded and not want to be involved in this competitiveness?

OP posts:

Chirpychick2010 · 08/03/2012 23:46

Good luck with finding a school that's not like that! I've have been through this and I hated taking and collecting ect because of theese reasons so I opted out as much as possible. I got in and out as fast as poss and I'm considering home schooling my dd as schools have changed so much and seeing and hearing about friends and family's dc it scares me to death. I hate clicks and even find it hard at the groups I take dd to but I will not let it stop me from getting her involved and enjoying life.

AwkwardMary · 08/03/2012 23:48

You already DID join in with it though....otherwise how do you know why the woman wouldn't talk to you?

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2012 23:55

No matter what school your kids end up going to you'd do well to remember, the only reason you're there at all is to drop them off and pick them up.

The women at the school are not your friends...they're just women who happen to send their kids to the same school yours attend.

If you happen to meet one or two people you quite like/get on with then that's a bonus.

If you don't, it doesn't alter anything. You're still there to take/pick up your kids.

Jajas · 09/03/2012 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chirpychick2010 · 09/03/2012 00:02

Sorry missed the AIBU bit no your not to the extent of not wanting to be like that but yes to thinking that you won't be because we all take a morel stand at some point and unless your totally perfect you will no doubt judge someone at the whichever school you choose and will be not unlike the moms you were referring! but hey that's life!

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 09/03/2012 00:02

There is a lot of this at schools, but you can choose whether you get involved and whether you let it bother you. It's not compulsory.

I generally stay out of it, and my youngest is Y5 so I've been in it for enough years. I am friendly enough with the mothers whose children my dc chose to be friends with and I can pass the time of day with a few others,but generally I don't bother. My social life doesn't revolve around the playground, because I left school 15 years ago, and I feel quite sorry for the people that turn up for school pick up 30 minutes early because they have nothing better to do with their day.

I'm just not interested in people simply because they have children at the same school as my children, so I'm not bothered if they are interested in me or not. School run serves a purpose, and that purpose is my children, that's all.

troisgarcons · 09/03/2012 00:03

They are like it IF you allow yourself to be drawn into it.

Frankly, they are a load of unemployed, coffee morning, bitches usually shagging the David LLoyd tennis coach OR normal harrassed mothers trying to keep all the balls in the air holding down a job, a home and family life - those are the ones you never meet - the normal ones like you!

Smile, wave, say your hellos, and scarper. PDQ!

jinsei · 09/03/2012 00:05

I don't know if it's like this at our school. If it is, then I am blissfully unaware of it. Everyone strikes me as being very friendly.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 09/03/2012 07:46

Have never experienced this - but then I talk to anyone irrespective of which "clique" they belong to.

threeisthemagicnumber · 09/03/2012 08:09

Never really experienced it either TBH. Not sure if that's because DD goes to a city school with a really mixed intake and lots of people move in and out of the area and the kids/parents often change.

There does seem to be a nice school community and the parents, like people everywhere, vary in their degrees of friendliness but I've never really felt like there was a 'clique' of mums who have more influence/are more popular.

Perhaps I'm just ignorant of it but at least I don't feel left out!

Clytaemnestra · 09/03/2012 08:28

Its a really odd attitude to base your school choice on whether you like the mums or not. What about whether your ds will get a good education there?

sue52 · 09/03/2012 08:28

There are always a few people like this in every situation be it neighbours, work or school gate. They are usually easy to identify and best ignored. I'm sure not everyone at this particular school is a pita snob and it would be shame not to send your son to what may be a good school because of a few parents and their silly and bad mannered ways.

Floggingmolly · 09/03/2012 08:32

You'll see the playground mafia for a maximum of 20 minutes per day, does it really matter? Also, you've chosen not to send your DS there, where are you hoping to send him instead? Not that easy to demand a place at your school of choice, I'm afraid.

Ahhhtetley · 09/03/2012 08:34

Just ignore them.. I talk to the nice ones and if someone either doesn't want to talk to me or I don't like, I simply don't bother talking to them.

Sounds like it's the same everywhere.... I've got one mother who won't talk to me because I chose a childminder who she doesn't like - go figure!

Moomoomie · 09/03/2012 08:36

Goodness, you found out a lot of stuff in just the few minutes it takes to pick a child up from school!......someone else's child at that.
I have never had a problem during drop off/ pick up, and I have my third child going through the primary school now.
I stand in the playground, talk to the people around me. Mostly about the weather.
Give my child a hug and come home.
Quite simple really.

Pagwatch · 09/03/2012 08:52

Blimey, I have got three children who have between them been to six schools including private and state.
I have met one woman who was an arse.

You want to reconsider why this behaviour is happening in such an extreme way around you. Like myBOYSareBONKERS I talk to anyone and ignore whoever the cliques are meant to be.

Most people just turn up at school, look for someone they can exchange a few moments with and go home. I don't think it tends to be much more complicated than that for most of us.

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 08:53

YOu have started doing it yourself, a teensy bit paranoid about the woman looking you up an down ,
these politics you are talking about can take months to kick in and tbh its not all as bad as people make out
, You get out what you put in , who gives a shit if some random woman looks at you , Ignore it pick you child up say hi and at people chat to somebody while you wait and go home it really can be that simple ,

Whatmeworry · 09/03/2012 08:54

It is everywhere, some not so bad, you just have to ignore it. Drop n Go....

merrymonsters · 09/03/2012 09:05

God, I don't know how some you get through the day with this level of paranoia. People talk about where they are going on holiday. It's normal. Are they supposed to pretend they're going to Skegness instead of skiing just to please you? Kids do stuff after school. It's not all a dig at you. In fact, it's not all about you at all.

Pusheed · 09/03/2012 09:05

Kids are in secondary school now so the school gate drop off is a thing of the past but it was as the OP described with SOME of the mums.

I doubt that, out of 30 mums you'll be the only non bitchy, non judgmental one :)

Methe · 09/03/2012 09:11

My schools not like that. Every mum I have met has been lovely and i've made some close friends. We all go out of our way to help each other out with school runs and clubs.. we all look out for each others kids.

Surely that is normal..

Mrsjay · 09/03/2012 09:14

I said it didnt matter and it Doesnt , however there is one mum who seemed to openly hate me and she would snub me if i said hello and she also lived in my street ,
our daughters are in high school now and STILL she will look the other way if she sees me ,
Our dds are not friends but dont hate each other either so no major child fall out , I always wanted to say OIY WHATS YOUR PROBLEM but i dont i just wonder what i did

Pusheed · 09/03/2012 09:18

In Year 1 we noticed DD was a bit behind a friend's prep DD in her literacy so we put DD into Kumon English. I mentioned this to a school gate mom and I was ill prepared for her comments. Her DD was behind mine in literacy so what was I trying to say about HER daughter? Not surprisingly, we spent the remaining years avoiding each other.

No matter where you send your kids you will have cliques which will be determined by income, race etc.

In our case most of the mums were SAHMs who were happy for their kids to be at the national average. Consequently the Tiger Mom clique had a membership of one :)

BigGirlInASmallWorld · 09/03/2012 09:23

Can somebody here give me an example of how one might get dragged into the school gate politics?

I imagine I would just say hello and ignore personal questions. Or would that alienate my child from class mates/party invites?

Is that why parents at the schoolgate become over involved?

Might have all this in future.

Feel for you filledwithdread

BrigitBigKnickers · 09/03/2012 09:35

I really think it depends on the group of parents which can vary from year to year.

DD1s cohort had cliquey parents like you described- little groups of parents who would turn their backs when you approached for a chat and exclude you from their little coffee mornings.

DD2s cohort could not have been more different- friendly- everyone circulated round- no-one was excluded and we went on regular nights out where everyone got on like a house on fire.

DD2s class were absolutely lovely too- all the teachers said they were the nicest class they had ever taught.

DD1s class were quite different-quite a few bossy little princesses and badly behaved boys.

Strange that isn't it?

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