to not want to be involved with school gate politics

[filledwithdread]

My DS starts school in September. Today I picked up a friends DD from school and experienced parent playground politics first hand. One mother gave me the "check-out-my-clothes-look-down-and-up" look, another mum wouldn't talk to me 'cos I was talking to someone she didn't like.

There's the one upmanship of who's child is doing what after school club, who's going on holiday where, what stage book is your child on? etc etc

I have chosen not to send my DS to this school 'cos of the snobbiness. Please tell me all schools are not like this? Or AIBU to want to remain grounded and not want to be involved in this competitiveness?

There are always cliques, some are more obvious/more closed/nastier etc etc.

Those who say there are no cliques...if you can't see the clique, you're in the clique (taps nose).

Drop n Go.

Ds2 infant school is like this. I was very hurt afew years ago when one of my best friend's dropped me, she would talk to me at a coffee morning group but not at school in front of her new friends as our oldest dc pick up at this school. I couldn't believe it as we are in our 30s! Just recently one of her Mummy Mafia gang invited everyone of the coffee morning gang to her birthday celebration except me, because this woman was going. The birthday girl is in her 40s! Absolutely ridiculous! I cannot believe that adults behave like this. They dress like they are going for an evening out. The willy wagging (boasting about their dcs achievements - like blokes in the boardroom measuring their dicks!) is awful. I cannot understand measuring yourself through your dc. Live your life and be glad you have left school, unlike them!

Wow spanky - your school outshines mine in that respect. But if you ignore the gangs you'll suddenly see the rest of the parents and they who are very normal and busy.

the best things to do are:

1. arrive at the gates at the time when you're allowed to leave your child unattended. Kiss child, smile at child, chunner at child about eating lunch or handing in home work. Kiss child again. Leave.

1. arrive at gates one minute after chucking out time. find child in playground (hopefully before they've started playing) or if younger remove child from teacher's grasp. Nod sympathetically if teacher has found child difficult in some way (ours was always that has slopped yoghurt down her front which personally doesn't bother me). say hello to child. leave.

1. donate some money to the pta at the beginning of term as you'll unfortunately be unable to attend events or meetings. Such a shame. Very busy.

Any time anyone tries to involve you, appear to be mentally somewhere else and just smile vaguely or use non committal words or noises like Umm and Ahh or just plain nodding. Everyone will think you're really elusive and interesting but no one will find out the truth!

I tried to completely avoid the school gates which upset dd2 when someone asked her if her mother was dead.

Good idea. Perish the thought you might actually like to make friends with the mothers of any of your children's friends!

We are talking about ourslves people! We are the school gate mums!

Good idea. Perish the thought you might actually like to make friends with the mothers of any of your children's friends!

No, School Gate Mums are all about making friends with the mothers whose children they would like theirs to be friends of, and freezing those they don't.

The difference is marked and noticeable within minutes.

Whatmeworry that is so true.

The DC's primary was meant to be snobby and cliquey. Personally, never particularly noticed. It was there to educate our children. Went into playground - sometimes people came and talked to me, sometimes they didn't. DS had a few friends whose mothers I didn't particularly like (still don't and he's 17 now), DD had a few completely made mothers in her class but fortunately she wasn't friendly with their dds.

Made my best friend ever the year before ds went to nursery and we did one year together at the same school. When ds transferred to primary we made one of our closest joint family friendships which has been going now for 12 years even though the family have moved overseas.

Whatever you do in life you will meet people you like and people you don't. You have to focus on what and who you like and learn to co-exist in whatever you do and so, actually, do the dc.

home schooling :gavel:

Just don't speak to them! Nod and murmur "hello" for politeness but other than that - why speak to them?

They are just some mums dropping children off at a school, nothing more nothing less. There is no actual requirement to communicate with them if you don't want to. They are not meant to be your friends - I am sure you have those already :)

I think you must be a playground politics sort of a person yourself, just to know that all this was going on.

"So don't get involved. Drop your kid off in the morning, pick him up in the afternoon. Simple."

I think Samandi has put it in a nutshell. DD's school has its cliques - mostly the mums who belong to the PTA who stand around gossiping and ignoring everyone else. If they say hello, then I say hello back, but it doesn't ruin my day if they don't speak to me. I couldn't care less.

Also DD's school PTA has recently set up a secret FB group which you have to email the head of the PTA to apply to join. We were all sent a slip inviting us to join. I put mine straight in the bin.

Duchess Secret clubs . Some people never actually graduate from the school yard, do they? It'd burst her bubble a bit if everyone else binned their slips too.

There is no such thing as school gate politics. People chat to those they know and like, and generally ignore/avoid those they don't. Much like in all other aspects of life.

I have never once felt intimidated or belittled by hearing about what extra-curricular clubs someone else's child might be doing. I rarely ask, and I don't care. Yes, there can be a bit of one-upmanship over reading levels etc, but just don't ask for info and don't offer it - there is no reason to get involved in competitive parenting, just focus on your child and don't allow yourself to get wound up by what others are doing with theirs - their choices are not a direct criticism of yours. As for the holidays comment, how do you even know how this will be if your child is not at school yet?

I think you've made a couple of massively sweeping and slightly paranoid sounding generalisations based on your experience of picking up a this child at a school where the mothers don't know you, and you don't know them.

Duchess - methinks you are a bit of a drama queen. I mean, its a secret fb page BUT everyone got a slip inviting them to join :o

I think this sort of politics varies from class to class within a school, DS1 parents made 2 or 3 lovely friends one of whom will be a friend for life, DS lovely people got some lovely friends in that group, DS3 hardly know anyone tend to keep myself to myself. DD's class now then that one will be intersting I intend to just smile and watch as I suspect it won't end well

God Pusheed, I missed that

Incredibly secret, duchess!

You have to be very careful about face book pages connected to schools. So when PTFAs have them to make it easier to keep people updated about meetings and things they have to go through one group administrator. Otherwise all the paedophile-panickers would be up in arms.

You know, these threads always remind me ofthe conversations I used to have with my dd whine she frost went to secondary school- all "so and so gave me evils" " this girl hates me because I talked to her friend" "that girl told this one that I told this other one she hair was funny and now all ruses girls aren't talking to me" thank heavens she's grown out of it now she's 16.........

Pusheed "Duchess - methinks you are a bit of a drama queen. I mean, its a secret fb page BUT everyone got a slip inviting them to join".

Drama queen o:. Certainly not. By secret I meant that you could not just apply to join via fb, but have to ask if you can be invited, as it can't be found on fb (not a secret society :o - me not getting the words quite right). I'm just not interested in having any further involvement in the school as in PTA. School is a place where my children go to receive an education. I support school fund-raising etc by doing what is asked whenever etc, but I'm just not into politics in any form. The school website informs us of everything that goes on, so I can't see what extra can be gained from fb .

That's what I find strange. Why not just be kind, friendly and pleasant to everyone? There's really no need to ignore/avoid people - it's childish, uncivilised, and if you've got the wrong idea about someone then it could be really hurtful (e.g. if you assume someone is stuck-up but they're actually really shy, or you believe an unfounded rumour about someone).

"People chat to those they know and like, and generally ignore/avoid those they don't."

Dutchess- did you see my explanation of why the Facebook page has to be "secret"?