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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be involved with school gate politics

96 replies

filledwithdread · 08/03/2012 23:07

My DS starts school in September. Today I picked up a friends DD from school and experienced parent playground politics first hand. One mother gave me the "check-out-my-clothes-look-down-and-up" look, another mum wouldn't talk to me 'cos I was talking to someone she didn't like.

There's the one upmanship of who's child is doing what after school club, who's going on holiday where, what stage book is your child on? etc etc

I have chosen not to send my DS to this school 'cos of the snobbiness. Please tell me all schools are not like this? Or AIBU to want to remain grounded and not want to be involved in this competitiveness?

OP posts:
NoDontLickThat · 09/03/2012 09:51

My DS's school isn't like that, or it could be but I just don't notice Blush as I tend to just keep to myself and just say hi to people when passing, but everyone seems friendly enough and I've never seen any cliques, snobbiness or nastiness from anyone.

CremeEggThief · 09/03/2012 10:09

Sorry, but you sound a bit paranoid to me. I'm not saying there aren't any playground politics, cliques or other associated silliness or nastiness, but you seem to have picked up on stuff it takes some of us years to notice in just a few minutes! Not many of us like or enjoy the school run, but it really is only a small part of your day, even if you're a SAHM. If you really can't stand it, aim to get there a minute before the bell goes and bang on pick-up time. And so what if a bunch of shallow women you don't know and won't have to get to know seem to judge what you wear? Why do people care about this sort of thing when it is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life?

seeker · 09/03/2012 10:15

Generally speaking, if you think people are looking at you funny, they are actually looking at the hanging basket they can see just past your left ear and wondering what that little white flower is. If they ignore you it's because they haven't got their glasses on, or they can't remember your name and think pretending not to see you is a way round the embarrassment or they are so deep in their own thoughts thwt they genuinely don't see you. If they look you up and down they are probably wondering where you got that nice coat from. Or they are trying to look friendly because they are really really shy and hope you'll talk to them. Or they are wondering why you look so unfriendly, forgetting that they look unfriendly too. Be open and friendly. Smile. Chat. Mothers qr people too.

seeker · 09/03/2012 10:16

Oh and another name for a "clique" is "- group of friends"!

RuleBritannia · 09/03/2012 10:17

Has anyone read Diary of a Mummy Misfit by Amanda Egan. The OP is exactly like her. The book describes how the author gets over the cliquiness of the other school mothers and it so amusing. The people described are so like people we know ourselves! Available from Amazon.

LittleJennyRobyn · 09/03/2012 10:18

You will be hard pushed to find a school that doesn't have some kind of playground politics. So choosing not to send your DS to this school based on that fact alone is a bit daft.

The trick is not to get involved, i have seen 5 kids through primary school with the last still having 2 1/2 years to go. Thankfully DD is old enough to meet me at the gate now and i no longer have to enter the playground, But when i did i used to try and time it so i could grab and go.

Other times, i would say a polite hello and keep myself to myself.

I have witnessed nastiness and competitiveness but it's nothing to do with me so just let them get on with it.
I have also been gossiped about and been given dirty looks in the past,
but do you know what??.......i dont really care.

These people are not my friends, they do not know me as a person, and if they haven't got the balls to tell me outright what they think they know about me, then they are not worth my headspace!!!!

As long as my DC's were/are happy in school an progressing well then thats the only thing that matters.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/03/2012 10:21

How on earth did you get all that from just picking up your friends DD once??

M1ssBerta · 09/03/2012 10:25

It's a bit like MN; You get involved in the bits you want to and ignore the divs/attention seekers/those who think everyone loves them! I have to say I'm a pretty friendly type and due to having a gap between my boys I'm doing the playground thing all over again, I'm there to pick my son up, I'm happy to talk/stand on my own because I have the confidence to do that, I'm a grown woman after all.

Eggrules · 09/03/2012 10:26

YANBU - just don't get involved. Wait until there are book levels to obsess over.

timetoask · 09/03/2012 10:33

How strange, my DS goes to a pre-prep and I can honestly say I have not seen this attitude( despite all the stupid huge cars around). This school sounds horrible, is it in a tiny village? I've heard schools in small villages can be very cliquish.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/03/2012 10:33

No they are not all like this. I have only met one competitive parent at my dcs school and she is quietly competitive and still a very nice woman. There is no looking up and down!

PooPooInMyToes · 09/03/2012 10:35

Good post seeker!

pussycatmum · 09/03/2012 10:43

Drop and run in the AM. Arrive as late as possible for collection. Is lovely when real friendships develop, but I see the other parents as colleagues.

Pusheed · 09/03/2012 10:43

Some "parents at the schoolgate become over involved" because they have nothing else in their lives.

I recently bumped into one of the Queen Bees from DCs old primary school and she was saying how boring life was now that the DCs were at secondary school and how she missed the chats at the school gate.

As for getting dragged into the school gate politics, you nod at the right moment and show signs of empathy. And then have a good laugh about it with DP.

My point is this. You don't have to involve yourself but at the same time there is no need to be obvious about it. Smile, nod, compliment their child, don't reveal too much of yourself and accept that moms are like work colleagues - you don't need to like them but you do need to get along with them.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 09/03/2012 10:50

totally agree with seeker.

If i look you up and down its probably cause I like your coat/jacket/shoes/bag.

If i ask another mum about an afterschool club its because my DS has said he will go if XX is going.

If i ask if you have made cakes for the bakesale (or whatever) its because I've not and want to judge if everyone else is thinking that school bought is ok.

If I don't talk at all its because I'm late/in a bad mood/thinking about something else.

BsshBossh · 09/03/2012 10:50

Hmm Petty politics exist everywhere - at work, in the playground, inside the classroom... You can't avoid it. Just let it slide over you if you dislike it.

Agincourt · 09/03/2012 10:52

get a job :o and enrol them in the after school club/lety them use transport to and from school

cuts out all this kind of nonsense

Pusheed · 09/03/2012 10:54

Re the comments about parents that look away when you approach. That is something I am guilty off. I don't have much small talk in me so I struggle to find things to say to the moms so I stand off to the side and surf on my phone while waiting for DCs to come out.

When I am in a conversation with a mom I give the mom my full attention. It irritates me when I'm chatting to someone and that person is looking around. They probably don't mean anything by it but it looks to me as if they are looking for someone more interesting to talk to so I don't do it. So if you walk past me then it would be very easy to convince yourself that I am rudely blanking you out.

Yes, there are bitchy and snobby moms out there. I'm just trying to make the point that often it only seem that way because of one's perception.

samandi · 09/03/2012 11:03

So don't get involved. Drop your kid off in the morning, pick him up in the afternoon. Simple.

samandi · 09/03/2012 11:05

You sound quite paranoid and not particularly grounded.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/03/2012 11:08

ALL primary schools are like this.... I went through a phase where a group of Mothers would not speak to me because my son fought with theirs in the playground at school. I just went and talkled to some others.

The only way to avoid it is to drop off and pick up and not stand in the playground!

seeker · 09/03/2012 11:11

No they aren't.

MrsClown · 09/03/2012 11:15

No YANBU. My kids are grown up and left school now but I never got involved with most of the mums. They were always bragging about how good their kids were etc. There was always the 'head woman' who had the best clothes and husband great job with lots of money. I didnt have anything in common with them anyhow. I cant stand standing in the street chatting etc, havent got the time. I certainly dont have room in my head for the crap that most of them talked about.

Plonker · 09/03/2012 11:17

Just don't get involved.

Simple.

I go to dds' school. I chat if there's anyone there that I know, I make small talk or stand and wait if there isn't.

I take dds and go home.

That's it really. No nastiness as far as I'm aware, and if there was, I wouldn't get involved. Easy.

giveitago · 09/03/2012 11:30

Just take your child to school, drop them off, smile at everyone and go home or to work. There are cliques but bet your dollar you leave them to it and they'll all fall out anyhow. Do you really want to be part of this?

I sort of felt the same way as you last year and did nothing about it. I'm way too busy to take too much notice but I have noted those little gangs don't seem to like one another. Not my issue. My purpose for taking ds to school is to take him to school, not make more friends. As your dcs grow up they will abandon their parents' friends wish list and make their own friends. It gets easier.

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