to not want to be involved with school gate politics

[filledwithdread]

My DS starts school in September. Today I picked up a friends DD from school and experienced parent playground politics first hand. One mother gave me the "check-out-my-clothes-look-down-and-up" look, another mum wouldn't talk to me 'cos I was talking to someone she didn't like.

There's the one upmanship of who's child is doing what after school club, who's going on holiday where, what stage book is your child on? etc etc

I have chosen not to send my DS to this school 'cos of the snobbiness. Please tell me all schools are not like this? Or AIBU to want to remain grounded and not want to be involved in this competitiveness?

Apologies to you seeker for not acknowledging that I had seen and read your explanation. That much is understood. End of.

Sounds like some of you are as bad as the OP portrays.There's the people typing instructions on how to remain as distant as possible from other parents in a tone that suggests you consider your self superior to them and then there is the anti PTA feeling from several posters. Newsflash people - all the parents are there for the same reason to drop off and collect and if they do happen to be involved with the PTA then it is ultimately for the good of your child.

Due to work I only go up to the school a few times a week, I smile and chat in the 3 minutes I am waiting. I don't ask personal questions or get asked them, it is a few minutes FGS. I am always happy to help people out of they are running late or need me to watch their child and know it would be reciprocated. I have even made a few friends over the years and had some nights out. They are just not my scene. I do my bit for the PTA by bringing in whatever they ask and am grateful these people dedicate so much of their time to improve the school.

More importantly, I keep in mind, this is about my children,not me.

Op - Have I Misunderstood but it sounded like you collected your child as a one off.I am amazed you have managed to conclude so much from one visit TBH.

why speak to them?

(Sigh) Because we're human & like to socialise? But practical reasons, too. Perhaps my child is desperate for theirs to come play so I need to make an invite to an adult, or I need to reply to a birthday invite, or to check whether they are going to reply to my child's invite. Maybe I'd like to ask about the PTA or a sports club that parent runs. It isn't possible to completely avoid everybody, and sometimes you don't realise what horrors certain parents (people) are until you try to start a conversation.

I find it useful to have regular chats with school parents, it helps to understand what is going on, especially when the school is crap about communicating things.

I've already clocked two "steer well clear" parents in DC4's yr group, even though he hasn't even started school, yet. Not happy to declare that, but in both cases I spent ages thinking it was me, that I had done something unknown to understandably offend them, only to figure out later that I'd done nothing, they both have reputations for being utter cows.

Od, I hate it when people say "end of". Makes me realise why people might not want to chat to them in the playground......

Filter When I said 'ignore/avoid those they don't' I didn't mean it an unplasant way. It's just that, much like when you are in the supermarket, you are surrounded by a couple of hundred people and you cannot possibly know all of them. If you bump into someone you know you may stop and exchange pleasantries for a moment or two and then move on, but if even if you see the same women in the supermarket week in, ekk out, you won't necessarily strike up a conversation with them, will you? And it's no different at school.

Of course there will always be one or two loudmouths or PITA, and yes, you might avoid those - like you avoid sitting next to the office PITA at the Christmas party. That is how real life is. Don't read too much into my comment! I've always managed to have perfectly friendly, civil, yet non-committal relationships with all of the mums I have met through school (other than those who have gone on to become good friends, and there have been many.)

I think those people who go in with the attitude that they must do whatever they can to discourage and repel contact with other mums are odd - but likewise I think it's odd that some people can get so chippy and defensive and start over-analysing their place in the supposed schoolgate hierarchy because they've clocked that some of the others wear more expensive shoes than them, or whatever. It's bonkers.

The word ' clique' is always used with such nasty intent, and it always whiffs of bitterness and jealousy. FFS - they are just a bunch of women chatting because they all have to stand in roughly the same place at the same time each day. There will always be the Beautiful People, the ahem other crowd, and then the rest - just ordinary, pleasant, anonymous, and generally friendly. It is not a battle zone. You do not need to get mentally psyched up for it!

week in, week out.

I know of the "politics" 'cos I live in the same area as a lot of them, but their kids are a year above my DS. I choose not to take sides, not to get drawn into their arguements or cliques because I have more interesting things to do.

However, I try to be friendly to them all for the sake of my DS who is friends with their kids but it's difficult because the other mums tend to tell me who's doing what or not etc. I just get fed up of listening to people bitching about each other and yes, I know technically this is what I'm doing!

I chose a school of equal Ofsted rating but it seemed to have a less snobby but more friendly headteacher. I don't know about the parents, I've not met them yet but I'm looking forward to not knowing anyone and not having people trying to draw me into their arguements.

They are not a special breed of people! They are just like you-women with a 5 yr old. You will get on with some and not with others. Get involved or merely drop. Just be friendly with all-if there are politics just ignore.

It's a bit of a shame you have made schooling choices for your kids on the basis of what you perceive to be snobbery. I'd have thought the best thing to do is to choose the best school for your son and worry about all that stuff if it comes up later. You may well be totally wrong and jumping to conclusions - and won't they likely be a different set of parents in your year anyway?

No, school choice wasn't just on percieved snobbery. DH and I chose a school with a friendlier headteacher, kids seemed to have more "ownership" of our chosen school and didn't have their learning interrupted by standing to attention everytime the headteacher walked into the room as they do in the school I picked friend's DD up from.

You have chosen a school that you think will suit your DC-that is all that matters. Just be friendly and open minded-don't look for problems, or over analyse things. Presumably you are perfectly normal-as are most parents!

Most people are friendly if you are open to it, if you go in with attitude they probably won't be. I converted an entire nursery from a 'corridor politics' to a 'everybody chats' just by being friendly and bringing people into the conversation. You get out what you put in.

Exactly, undercoverPrincess.

I've made some really good school-gate friends - some are very close and we see each other a lot socially - some I only see at school but they are always happy to help out with pick ups etc, as am I. We take it in turns to ferry children to clubs, go out for coffee once a week while the children are in school. When I had my 3rd child by c-section I had meals made by some of the mums and left on the doorstep for me, some of them clubbed together to buy me 8 hours of a cleaner to use as I wanted. I can honestly say that I really value the relationships I have made in the school playground.

I think it often on AIBU, some people could pick a fight locked alone in a dark room.

Well my DD is starting school this Sept too and I am slightly worried about being drawn in playground politics and competitive parenting too. My plan is to smile and say hello to everyone but not get too deeply involved. I'm going back to work soon after my DD starts so that will probably make this possible.

I like schools where the pupils stand up when an adult enters the room, it shows respect, something that seems to be rather lacking now.