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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to DN's Christening so DD can go to a party?

124 replies

reddaisy · 08/03/2012 20:05

Dsis is having DN Christened on the same day that DD has been invited to a party at a soft play. Aibu for wanting DD to go to the party?

I want to help her forge some friendships with the other preschoolers as she is leaving the village preschool soon as she only has a temporary place there.

Ideally I would like to miss the christening myself but I understand that would ruffle some feathers. DP could take her and we could all make the gathering afterwards.

We aren`t religious so Im not sure how this would be viewed.

DD is three by the way.

OP posts:

Original poster

reddaisy · 09/03/2012 11:18

Strangely enough I agree with GoAwayBob

OP posts:

Kerryblue · 09/03/2012 11:19

I'll give you a YANBU!

DH & DD skip the church, let your 3 year old have fun, all meet up together again for a family party.

Everyone gets the best of all worlds.

Chat to your mum and sister and explain it all as it is - I am sure they will understand. YOU are still going at the end of the day.

If, however, your sis seems put out/offended/cross/sad/unbelieving of your awful decision - change your mind and all go. And try not to let DD run around/chat/do whatever 3 year olds do during the ceremony

I seriously can't believe people are making such a big deal about this.

I'm with you all the way OP

GsyPotatoPieEyed · 09/03/2012 11:23

Just ask your sister if she minds if DD isn't at the church, you should be able to tell how she feels from her reaction. If you get a curt "That's fine" you know she's a bit peeved off and would prefer your whole family to be there. If it's more along the lines of "A party, how nice, I hope she has a lovely time" (said without any sarcasm) then she generally isn't too fussed.

Personally I think that you going on your own and your DH, DD meeting you at the after christening party sounds reasonable.

Original poster

reddaisy · 09/03/2012 11:57

KerryBlue - have you got any mnetting friends who could help to sway things my way a little?

OP posts:

Kerryblue · 09/03/2012 12:13

I doubt it reddaisy - everyone always seems to disagree with me!!

Original poster

reddaisy · 09/03/2012 12:30

Me too! Mnet is a strange and wonderful place.

OP posts:

FilterCoffee · 09/03/2012 13:07

Even in the formal churches though, everyone knows what 3 year olds are like. We're not in the dark ages any more and I'm sure no-one will judge (or if they do they'll be a tiny minority). Why not take some toys/books/crayons for her to play with during the service? It really won't seem that long on the day, and it's a tiny amount of time compared to the lifetime family memories everyone will have of this special occasion.

pinkhebe · 09/03/2012 13:12

my son was on scout camp when my dn was christened, I didn't think anything of it. I was Godparent, and got the time wrong so was late. Now that is a faux pas!

Original poster

reddaisy · 09/03/2012 13:27

Pinkhebe, that is truly a disgrace. You could have put in an appearance on this thread earlier

OP posts:

Bunnyjo · 09/03/2012 13:41

OP, YABU in the reasons you have given. You are implying that your 3yo DD will miss out on an opportunity to forge friendships if she was to miss this softplay party . She's 3 and, believe me, much will change between now and the start of school - let alone the 7yrs of primary school!

FWIW, I do believe if you had said something like 'AIBU to not take DD to DN's christening, but to take her to the party after...' and explained your worries about whether your DD will happily sit through a formal service, then the response might have been different...

Dancergirl · 09/03/2012 13:59

Sorry but to miss a family celebration because of a child's birthday party is just plain rude!

There will be a million other parties she will go to and missing ONE party will have NO impact on her friendships.

Yes, you may not be religious. Yes, she may be bored. But you know what - sometimes in life you have to attend things you may not enjoy that much. That's life.

YABVU

BoattoBolivia · 09/03/2012 17:56

I'm back again with my YANBU.
For me it would be less about dd being bored but more disruptive. My ds is a year younger, but I doubt he will be any better at 3! The Christening we went to a few weeks ago was in a lovely church, with only the Christening guests (rather than at the end of a normal service with all and sundry), I took snacks, cars and drawing things but he was shouting to get up within 5 mins of the service starting! We had been firmly told by a 'church' lady not to touch the church toys, we had sat on the end of a pew so he could play on the floor in a corner but it just wasn't going to happen. He wanted to run, so I took him out- (leaving dd, 9 and dh to represent us) there was no churchyard, just a rather busy road, so it was all rather awful. Not sure what anyone got from us being there, really. We all went to the party afterwards and did all the family photos etc.
In hindsight, as it was dh's cousin's daughter being christened,
I think dd and dh could have gone alone, but i'm sure they appreciated the effort!

TheIIlusiveShadow · 09/03/2012 18:25

Here's a YANBU, we're atheists.

We took the DDs aged 4 & 2 to a Catholic christening to show support for some good friends. I spent most of my time outside with DD2 who was clearly in a world of her own.

DH spent most of his time telling DD1 to be quiet. Regular church goers will know when it is/is n't OK to make a lot of noise but as strangers and atheists we were trying to show some respect.

If your sister wants you there fair enough but I'd definitely pack DP & children off to 'run off some steam' before family get together. If sis is not bothered then I'd go and chat to a few mums before leaving in good time to go to family party.

The more secure in our atheism we are the more comfortable DH & I are to sit through other peoples important religious stuff but we always feel disconnected like we're watching a, for example Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, documentary.

Floggingmolly · 09/03/2012 18:39

YABU, and in answer to your question up thread - yes, most people do still have their children christened these days. Did you think it was ok to miss it as it was such an outlandish, archaic thing to do anyway??

FilterCoffee · 09/03/2012 19:06

I think people having a child christened do appreciate it if the atheists/agnostics in the family make the effort to support them and their special occasion. Everyone has different things that are important to them, and it's good to support family with whatever they've chosen is right for them, even if it's not what we'd do ourselves.

It would make the world a more insular, segregated place if we only ever turned up to things we would enjoy or believe the most. Dancergirlspeaks sense... "sometimes in life you have to attend things you may not enjoy that much. That's life."

CockyPants · 09/03/2012 19:18

YANBU.
Party invite came first. Your child is under 5. Take child to party, or get other half to, and meet up at post christening bun fight.
OP it's your life your ishoo. End of the day it's up to you.
Having read these posts I can't believe people have nothing else to do than bang on in self righteous tones about stuff that really has nothing to do with them.

FilterCoffee · 09/03/2012 19:27

"stuff that really has nothing to do with them"

Anyone starting a thread on AIBU is inviting other people's opinions CockyPants.

charitygirl · 09/03/2012 19:38

I would probably prioritise the christening but I am loling at people describing it as 'momentous' and 'incredibly special'. It maybe for a religious family, though even then I think 'momentous' is going it some, but OP's family aren't. It's just a family jolly really isn't it?

charitygirl · 09/03/2012 19:38

BTW - I like family jollys.

Floggingmolly · 09/03/2012 19:42

"stuff that really has nothing to do with them"
Really, Cockypants? Well on that basis mind your own effing business, it's nothing to do with you either

Original poster

reddaisy · 09/03/2012 20:01

Flogging - I really dont think most people do have their children Christenend these days actually so it is a very retro thing to do.

OP posts:

ragged · 09/03/2012 20:12

Another yanbu :).
I have to dispute the "inundated with party invites" assertion, too, not been like that for any of my DC. But really comes down to making the christening a nicer experience for the adults, by not having a bored 3yo there.

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/03/2012 20:31

YANBU, a 3 year old would always pick a party over a ceremony in church. If your sis was very religious it may matter more but I never understand having a child christened when you are not religious. Its just an excuse for presents and a buffet.

Destrier · 09/03/2012 20:56

I forgot to put YANBU in my post earlier, so here it is:

YANBU

God would understand... Just like the Toothfairy

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