Private school vs quality of life

[VeryTiredMummyOf2]

ok so heres the deal. DD has just been accepted at a pre -prep. (State primaries are not v good, have looked around them and was not impressed.)
We can afford it, just, would mean I can't work 2 days a week. however DH is now saying he's unsure about it all:(
His argument is that 10k a year would give us as a family a decent quality of life, if and when DD 2 goes you are looking at 20k a year.
My thoughts are that you are investing in your children's future, I never went to a private school, but worked hard. I just want them to have a better life than i did. This so frustrating.
AIBU? Do I need to get a grip and get on with it.
Help?

You say you can afford it just, is that the 10K for one or the 20K for two. Because if you do it for one, surely you would do it for the other.... If you can't afford or don't think you will be able to afford to send DD2 then I would think twice about sending DD1.

have no experience of private education but loads on here do

personally i would of thought that you would incur more expense,equipment,trips etc etc and from what ive heard can really add up

once you commit you really have to keep this going and then you will have dd2 to consider when shes educated

personally unless you can afford years of fees and fairly comfortabley i wouldnt,but as ive said its never been an option

could you not try for the best primary and pay for extra lessons if needed

good luck

Would it be cheaper in the long run to move to an area that had better schools? What was your issue with the schools in your area? Usually primaries are not too bad.

It depends how bad your local state primaries are. There are some s hooks that are so bad that I would make the sacrifice, but you do have to bear in mind that private school does not guarantee your dc will have a bright future. You have to think about whether you are likely to have more children and you have to think about whether that money would be better spent on supplementing a state education with lots of extra curricular activities and holidays. Or could you move to an area that would let you have a nice state school and some extra money to supplement?

For me, it would come down to how bad the local schools were. Some are worth avoiding like the plague, but most aren't.

I'm sorry, but I'm with your husband on this. Maybe I'm biased as OH is 60 and doesn't have enough time left to make lots of money. We had a difficult decision to make when DD (11) was offered a place at a fee paying school as it would have meant that we would have reaaly scrimped and gone without for the next 7 years. We turned down the place and sent DD to the local comprehensive instead. So far I haven't regretted it and neither has DD.

OH's argument was that he was very poor when he was growing up and he didn't want to be poor again or die in penury.

Also, school fees are higher in secondary school, so think about it very carefully.

I dont really see the point in private for the pre-prep stage. later on is a whiole different ball game...

Complete waste of money private primaries IMO. Put the money towards private tuition if needed later on and start saving for private secondary if there are no good state secondaries near you.

Right. Lots of people will say private is better than state and lots of people will tell you it isn't.

Everyone on here will give you an experience.

10 years ago - absolutely the worst 30K I ever spent. (2 x Pre prep, nursery, Reception and Y1) - I seriously wish I'd set fire to it in the back yard.

You think the state schools aren't good? why do you think that? have you actually looked at them? read the Ofsted reports? Watched the way the children come out? are they happy? Are you caught up in keeping-up-with-the-Joneses?

I work in a state secondary that is surrounded by prep schools. I looked at the intake list for Septembers Y7s - an unprecedented amount of ex-prepers on the list. Why? because even the preps can't get their kids through the 11+ and they are taught for it.

Personally I would seriously consider whether you can maintain 20Kpa for 8 years until they leave prep - then what - it will double for secondary independent. Are your jobs that secure?

DP teaches at a private secondary and always says that by far the most important years ever to spend money on private education are 14-18. He really doesn't rate prep schools as being important, unless they are tailored to help with SN needs or similar. If sending your dc's now mean you have to work most of the week to do it, and the state options are anywhere near decent, I just wouldn't.

Being able to work 2 days will give you such a better work life balance while they are still so small. I work full time at present, with 2 small dc's and it's unbelievably hard. Am in the process of cutting back, as the impact on all of us was significant. Don't underestimate how tough it is to juggle everything, and it will be worse if you're under the financial pressure to keep doing it.

Thanks guys, if I went back to work 4 days a week we could afford DD2 to go aswell. DD2 is only 18mnts old.
APart from the bills, we have no other debts.
DH going on about windows may need replacing, cars in years to come etc.
The primaries are rubbish around here, we won't know about state primaries until April 13th anyway.

We did state primary for DS until he was 8, for DD until she was 11 and she then went to an outstanding cofe secondary with an incredible reputation. We moved ds because he was a very high achiever and his needs were not being met.

We moved dd at 13 when we were very unimpressed with the behaviour and ethos of an outstanding state secondary in the context of a very shy child who spent rafts of her time there scared of what would happen next.

Overall our school fees bill is now £34,000 pa (day schools) from net income.

I would say if money is tight at present send them to the local primary - it is easy to top up primary - all it needs really is lots of reading, development of fine motor skiils, basic maths such as Kumon, and sports activities. Most of that can be purchase for about £1,500 pa per child.

Save your money for later on if it doesn't work out for them. I would add though, that nothing affects the quality of family life more than an unhappy child but if that happens it needs to be dealt with when it does. It sounds as though you are potentially wrapping a huge noose around your necks at a very early stage. It is also far harder, imo, for children to switch from indy to state than vice versa later on.

When looking at costs don't forget to consider childcare, private schools also have 2-3 weeks more holidays. Obviously the more you'd be working (to pay fees) the more care you'd need.

all depends on how tight to the bone things will be, and only you know.
my personal experience is that i was the poor (scholarship) kid at at minor public school for 6th form. Being the poor kid (council house, benefits, no car, no hols, not even camping) amongst people who have no concept of how that must be is, IMVHO, a bit rubbish. and the teaching was less good than at the state grammar where I was prior to that.

I have the juxed oppoed opinion - being an 11+ area with 4 of the outd#standing grammar schools in the top 50 schools in the country - e#anyone with the desire preps their children. All in the hope of an outstanding state funded grammar education.

We have some nice independents, Colfes, Eltham College, Dulwich College - but I looked @ Dulwich College (fervently in the hope I had a distand relative that would leave me 200K) and some super selevtive grammars - St Olavs, Judds etc. Im just glad he's in a decent grammar (top 50) AND I took him out of prep in Reception after he was assaulted by a teacher. AND I didnt have him tutored either.

I have been to 2 local primaries to visit and read ofsted reports. Primary 1- head teacher told me while walking around this school that most of the teachers were young women so there will be a high turn over of staff, due to them having babies! Also he didn't like parents asking how there children are doing at school every week. I have friends whose children go this school, she is frustrated as when she asks her dc what they did today, all she gets is that they rehearsed a play, more about drama than maths and English. Primary 2 even worse, the head teacher, saw a child's coat on the floor in the corridor, instead of picking it up, he kicked it to the side. This was the worse of the two. Aibu?

I'd absolutely prefer to forgo "a decent quality of life" if by that your DH means holidays, unnecessary cars, expensive clothes etc. I'd only draw the line if it meant that I wouldn't be able to feed and house my DC adequately. The problem you face is that there's no compromise, either your DC goes to pre-prep or he doesn't. If you feel as strongly as I do about the DCs education stand your ground.

I agree with GrahamTribe. Everyone will have their thoughts on why one is better than the other but only you will know if you feel comfortable with what you decide. If you send them state, will you constantly be asking yourself if you should have sent them private. As long as it doesn't make sacrificing the essentials I say go for it and if you don't think it is worth it, after the year pull them out. Both my kids are private and I am so happy with their education!

You are right items, I will be constantly asking myself what if? We would still have plenty for food, clothes, holidays if we plan carefully. Someone once told me it's not how much you earn it's what you do with it that counts, to me it's private education.....one way or another we must decide...watch this space....

Good luck. :)

Aww thanks Grahamtribe :) will need it.

I think that for such a major amount both you and your DH should be on board or it will lead to conflict sooner or later. Have you read the offsted reports and checked the leavers destinations in the state school? A fraction of £20000 a year can buy you a couple of hours of one to one extra tuition a week for your DCs and have money over to replace those windows.

Hate to say it but any happy, clever, supported child will thrive wherever they end up. I say this both as a mother and a secondary school teacher in a bog standard comp. My DD1 is studying Medicine at a top university and DS has a very achievable offer to do the same subject at a different university. Both attended/attend a 'satisfactory' comp. Whilst I have taught in both sectors I do feel that certain children will achieve wherever they go and bankrupting yourself for fees wont make much difference. The money we saved on fees ensured my DC lived in a house with swimming pool, had ponies and will leave university debt free. However dd2 is at a private school because she is slightly deaf and the smaller/quieter classes suit her better. My advice is look at your child and decide on their individual requirements.

Good luck VeryTired. I really know how much stress the whole schooling/decisioning can be.

IMVHO you will be wasting your money on private primary. All children come out of school saying they did 'nothing' or whatever. Yet and yet these very same children still manage to get good GCSEs/A levels and degrees.

Sadly, I think you want to delude yourself. However, just remember that if you can barely afford it now then you really wont be able to afford secondary. The risk you run is having to haul your DCs out of private secondary just as it really starts to matter.

This is one of those things that you need to come to an agreement with your DH over or do you really think you will be able to afford private school as a single parent?

Can you qualify what your DH means by quality of life? Are you talking about having a foreign snazzy holiday versus having a more budget one, lots of new designer clothes, new electrical gadgets for the home?