Private school vs quality of life

[VeryTiredMummyOf2]

ok so heres the deal. DD has just been accepted at a pre -prep. (State primaries are not v good, have looked around them and was not impressed.)
We can afford it, just, would mean I can't work 2 days a week. however DH is now saying he's unsure about it all:(
His argument is that 10k a year would give us as a family a decent quality of life, if and when DD 2 goes you are looking at 20k a year.
My thoughts are that you are investing in your children's future, I never went to a private school, but worked hard. I just want them to have a better life than i did. This so frustrating.
AIBU? Do I need to get a grip and get on with it.
Help?

I moved DS from state to private in Y3. Best thing I ever did. The only regret is not having done it earlier. Within a year he has become focussed, proud of his work and very happy. Previously he was lost in between his peers and his lack of interest was palpable.

Just had a blazing row with my little SH1T over my unreasonableness. He went to indy at 8 now 17. Times like this and I feel he needs to learn some hard lessons and start appreciating his amazing and brilliant classical education and the opportunities he has had handed to him on a plate. Needs to sort himself out and realise how lucky he is.

I would put her in state and tutor externally. If she?s bright she will gain a place at Grammar school when she?s older.

If the state primary is really that bad & I could still feed & clothe the family then yes I would but if actually the school is OK but you just feel your DC would be better served in private, I'd at least give state school a go & try & wait until Prep age (8).
Another consideration - is what you're giving your eldest (ie better education) worth the sacrifice for your youngest (ie you'll be at work not at home!!).
It's a tough one and if we had the money would probably be having similar thoughts so good luck.
LCN

Sorry if it's been mentioned as I only read the first couple of pages, but there is an alternative. You could send them to a state primary, and then to Kumon maths/English after school.

DD did it for a time - she went from private primary to state one in year 2, and after she hadn't really learned anything in 2 years, we decided to do it. Costs about £100/month for both subjects.

Married in white, it was your choice to put him there, not his.

I do not think kids need to show eternal grattitude for having had a private education. It is not really the kids' choice, is it?!

I'm with you Chandon the three years that my DD was in prep...I never once told her....she was FIVE and upwards ffs....why would you put that on a child of any age?

I heard parents tellling each other how they expected their child to have an amazing career or they'd be dissapointed....that's when I began to feel like we were in the wrong school.

All I want is for my DDs to follow their hearts and be happy. Incidentally my DD has come on in leaps since we went to our lovely outstanding state....she was behind in maths and english when she arrived from the prep.

My Mum was privately educated and went on to teach in both private and state schools and she always reckoned it was the quality of support the kids got at home that made the difference ...

My brother went to a private school, I went to a grammer and my sister a state comprehensive ( DP's ran out of money after DB! ) We all went to Uni and all got a 2.1 so I think Mum might have a point.

Our's are both in state schools and ticking along nicely so I wouldn't consider going private, but in your shoes OP I think I'd wait and see how you get on in the local school while stashing away cash in case you need to change horses/get a private tutor later on ...

Good luck and remember, some schools might be pretty average on paper but fine in real life! Both our DSs are thriving at bog standard establishments ...

Just a couple of random thoughts to add to the discussion (our dd1 is in Reception at an gdst school and we can just about afford it. We had a very long list of reasons all specific to what would be the best school for dd1))

• I very firmly believe that it makes more sense to give a child a proper foundation to build on, so saving up for secondary seems odd (never mind the problem of getting into a highly selective private secondary without spending a fortune on private tutors)
• It is quite possible to be able to afford private school but not be in a position to move house to get into a better catchment area
• We are taking each year as it comes - no one asked us to sign up until she's 18! We may well move house, move jobs, die, whatever, in which case dd would changes schools. This is not a closed system where one decision has to stand.
• Breakfast club and after school care are an absolute necessity for us because we have no family near. There are very few jobs that let you work school hours only.

I'd say, as someone who was privately educated (apart from the 18 months when I attended a state secondary school) that you should never assume that independent schools will give you what you perceive they will. Especially if you don't come from a family where private education is customary.

There are good independent schools obviously. But often, the ones that are just about affordable are pretty grim and won't offer anything nearly as good as the state alternative. Be aware that smaller class numbers, while lovely, may have to be set against limited facilities. Also, will your child fit in at a private school? Not everyone does especially if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself surrounded by pushy, snobby parents who think they are superior by dint of their ability to pay school fees. .

Can you seriously justify the sort of expenditure necessary to send both your children to private schools from now until they've finished 6th Form? And do you honestly think this is money well spent given the greater quality of life that you'd all benefit from if you saved the money and put them through the state system. Your children have to learn to exist in the real world after school too unless you are expecting to come into the sort of money that will buy them immunity from mixing with the rest of society. So think carefully and don't base your decision on assumptions about all the local state schools and your own inability to be privately educated. It really isn't all it can be cracked up to be!

Having read marriedinwhite's post, thereby lies another danger. Children are not grateful for being given a private education and any parent that makes this assumption is on dangerous ground. My own mother tried this trick and was not thrilled when I reminded her that it was her choice to pay for my education and actually, I wasn't particularly grateful as it happens.

Interesting posts, Pandemonia-I would agree.

"Also, will your child fit in at a private school? Not everyone does especially if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself surrounded by pushy, snobby parents who think they are superior by dint of their ability to pay school fees."

Having heard about the other girls at the private school we considered sending DD to I'm glad that we didn't. There is one girl in DD's class at her state high school who is always boasting about how many horses she has, the latest gadget her parents have bought her, how much money her parents have etc, etc. DD hates her. Apparently there are lots like this at the private school.

I had young relatives who had to be removed from their private school due to the bullying behaviour exhibited by their peers. They lived in a normal 3 bed semi, in an OK area, and went on camping holidays...

Apparently this was not uncommon for this school - all girls...

Actually, I disagree, Pandemoniaa with your assertion that those affordable ones are pretty grim. I think this probably only applies to London and the SE. We live on the S coast now but when my children started school we lived in Cheshire and they attended one of the largest independent day schools in the country where the primary aged children benefitted from all the facilities available to the seniors despite being located slightly apart within the 80 odd acres they had so still having their own playgrounds and facilities. I think we were paying about 2.5k per term for each of them which is far less than we're paying now, down here for less facilities.

As for class sizes, they ranged from 18 to 20. I didn't even consider those schools with classes less than 18.

Oh and I would never expect my children either to be grateful that I paid or to follow a certain career path because of that. I pay for their daily enjoyment and the overall experience that they are getting and don't give two hoots about what career they choose. I think many parents try to live out their own failed aspirations through their children and this isn't limited to fee paying parents.

Js, plenty of parents have removed their children from vavrious state schools due to bullying too. You read about it on here regularly. A prevailing culture of bullying happens in all schools where it is allowed to happen in both sectors.

Bullying happens at all schools. I think the type of bullying may be different though. At the private school we considered the girls get picked on for not having the latest designer handbag or the fact that their parents don't drive a Porsche/Merc/Aston Martin.

Also, Pandemoniaa, just re-read your post and the bit about living in the 'real world'. I can see this (possibly) being a problem for children who board or even those in a single-sex environment but not for kids attending a large day school. Yes, the majority of kids are reasonably affluent. Not all, but most. However, if you are living in an affluent area anyway as we were in Surrey and Cheshire then the kids attending the state schools are fairly affluent too.

This 'mixing' argument is the one I just don't get. When we lived in Cheshire, the local primary catchment consisted of houses starting at 400k going well above 1m. Just because those parents chose to use the state sector didn't mean those kids weren't affluent or having 3 or 4 holidays a year or horse riding every week. So, my kids were mixing with similar children regardless. I can see that the 'mixing' argument holds weight in London or other cities but not in places like the home counties or Cheshire.

Bunbaker, I have taught in state secondaries and I can assure you, kids still get bullied for not having 'cool' clothes and trainers.

Sadly, I know you are right loving the coast. Hopefully the "my parents can't afford it" might be sneered at a little less.

I just think 'education, education, education, ' why is this so hard to decide, maybe because there are too many options?

I don't think there are enough options. The paying route is out for 93% of the population and many people are stuck with one option.

Haven't had a chance to read the replies but I'll say my 2 cents worth anyway.

FYI my children are going to a local (ish-short drive) primary which is really really good so I've not had to ponder private for them at primary school.

My friend, however, lives across town in a loveyl house (so she really doesn't want to move, it is their "house for life") but her primary schools are apparently shit, she was a teacher, so has her own reasons for thinking they are shit, and apparently the school is on special measures or something.

So she's paying probably about 10k a year to send her 2 children to a private school, which starts at 2 and a half and builds up to full days by about 3 and a half. She has a terrible school run, due to the traffic situation between her home and where this school is located, there is no parking nearby, its all double yellow lines, so she has to walk for ages and have a general stress depending how late she is running, and you apparently cannot be late, you can be thrown out, so added stress, etc. But she has to do this trip 4 times a day, because she has to drop them both off at half 8, then pick the younger one up at half 12, then go back and pick the older one up at half 3 or something, so its just back and forth all day.

Our group of friends invited her to a little holiday at Centreparcs we are planning for June, its the last year we can do a "holiday" that isn't during half term or school holidays and therefore 3 times the price, and she can't go because she can't get them out of school. We were just saying, look just tell them, don't ask them, they don't legally have to be there yet, and you are the paying customer so tell them you will parent how you see fit thank you very much etc. She said they would probably throw them out (which makes me think they are not acting in the children's best interest if they really would do that!) so she can't go. Its not that she doesn't want to go though, because she was trying to convince us to go in late July during school holidays but we said no flaming way, its treble the price.

They seem to have 2 hours of homework a day as well from age 3!

Thing is though, we have a very good grammar school in this area, one of the best in the country I think, so its all about getting them into that. This school is all about getting them in...I think 14 of the 18 going for it from this year's lot got in, so they get good results.

That aside, I think she's bonkers, kind of...she's a teacher, if she sent them local, saved the money, tutored them herself or got them a tutor, and just nurtured their education a bit, supervised homework and let them learn through play, they might also get in if they are bright enough!

I'm not anti private at all, I went to private grammar schools (different country) but I still think she's bonkers...its so much money for so much hassle and her daughter has been tired and emotional since she went full time, she's half the girl she was, though I expect she'll get used to it eventually. Just make sure its all the right reasons and that you can afford it and that it doesn't impact too badly on family life I guess?

Thanks tattyd it does make sense in what your saying....