Private school vs quality of life

[VeryTiredMummyOf2]

ok so heres the deal. DD has just been accepted at a pre -prep. (State primaries are not v good, have looked around them and was not impressed.)
We can afford it, just, would mean I can't work 2 days a week. however DH is now saying he's unsure about it all:(
His argument is that 10k a year would give us as a family a decent quality of life, if and when DD 2 goes you are looking at 20k a year.
My thoughts are that you are investing in your children's future, I never went to a private school, but worked hard. I just want them to have a better life than i did. This so frustrating.
AIBU? Do I need to get a grip and get on with it.
Help?

why not start off in the primary and see if it is better than you think. you may find it is ok or even good? and u can supplement their education yourself, on the side, or get tutors if necessary? and if not happy with it there is always the option to transfer to private sector later...
it is a LOT of money for school every yr. if you can afford it easily thats one thing, but when you have another dd coming up at school in a few years too, it seems like it would be really financially draining, and that money would pay for a lot of tutoring, extra stimulating activities or family trips which can be educational and enriching for the dc, and so much more. to me that money would be much better spent on all of that or even just put it in the bank for dc's future! but easy for me to say as im quite happy with our local primaries.. however if your dc has not yet even started the local state primary, then i would say you need to give it a go and see, before making such a big decision and financial commitment elsewhere? so i am with your dh

I've attended state and private schools, taught in state and private schools, and sent my kids to both kinds of schools as well.

I think a lot comes down to the Head Teacher and good leadership. If there is a positive, happy feeling at the school, and a culture of aspiration, then children tend to do well. If the Head Teacher is weak, then children do less well. Ignore buildings, locations, uniforms and bling. Look at how the children and teachers get along, how people engage with the children, how the children behave towards each other, and the progress they make in their work from Reception to Year 7. That tells you what kind of school it is. You can get poor private schools and good state ones - paying for an education is no guarantee of results, as it's a lot more complicated than that.

BTW there's a lot to be said for kids having good local friends at primary level. They seem much happier if they manage that.

My DH has suggested an alternative:

Live your scrimped life but send your DCs to state school then at the end present each with a cheque (it will be roughly £160,000 each in current money). Which do you think your DCs would prefer? 13 years wearing a daft uniform or a big fat cheque?

In your position i would seriously consider moving.

Could it be an option?

Save the money and spend what you can reasonably afford on any necessary extra tuition in the future.

This is all very interesting, maybe it the way I think, I grew up in poverty, so still having money left at the end after paying for school fees, I feel rich- that's my opinion. However I do understand where the majority of comments are coming from, if as a parent you have the time to teach your child right/ wrong etc then they will thrive wherever their are educated.

" he is a bit odd for it really and that's being polite about it"
yes, that was me for a bit too.

I wouldn't in your position. I just can't think what they can be teaching a 5-year old that warrants scrimping and scraping to pay 10k a year. You can support what they learn at a state primary at home, either yourself or via a private tutor. Secondary school is a different matter, even junior school maybe, but nursery to yr2 can definitely be catered for at home. Have you considered home ed? Or moving to an area with better schools?

We started with State school, an only-just-good one.

Yr and y1were fine, good even.

In y2 my oldest son was diagnosed with dyslexia as well as other, related, SEN. He fell behind more and more.

We moved him, and his brother (who s more of an "average"chid who was doing well) to a private school that speialises in SEN and academic children. We knew exactly what we wanted, ie smaller classes, more SEN support and less disrution in class. It is not a "fancy" school as such, no ski trips orvextravagant extras.

It seems to be working out just fab for both f them.

However, it was only when the DC were about 8 that we knew exactly what we wanted, and what they needed. So I do not regret the 3years at State Iyswim.

You can always change your mind, it is in fact quit common to chnge at age 8/9!

So despite being a private school parent, I would say give the local school a chance

Sorry typos as on i-pad

My parents sent me to a private school which they could just afford. They borrowed lots of money to keep up with the ever-increasing fees and ended up in all sorts of financial trouble. They were still paying the debts years later and it almost ruined their marriage.

In addition, they couldn't afford the extra-curricula stuff like music, horse riding, drama, sports etc. And the uniform was very expensive which I had second hand. I was always the 'poor kid'.

I didn't go on any school trips and at one point my parents struggled to provide ingredients for cookery. It was awful.

Your quality of life can be destroyed by that sort of stress. And the money would go a long way towards extra tuition, days out to 'educational' stuff, books, holidays etc.

Only do it if you are certain you can continue to afford it for two children for the next 18 years.

Different people will have differing opinions but I'm with your husband on this one. If I had a spare £20k per annum I would spend it on family trips and save it towards helping them with their uni fees or first home.

I hear lots of people talk about education for their children being an investment. I don't get it. Your children might decide to join hippy communes or have 20 children by the time they are 30. You don't stand to make a financial gain by sending them to private school therefore it isn't an investment.

I did know a couple (well acquaintances) who stayed in their original 1 bed flat, had a DD, stayed in the 1 bed flat, sent DD private all the way (DD's bedroom was the sofa) and DD did very well academically - married at 22, had her own children and never worked.

Waste of money IMHO for that education.

We did it...until the end of year 3 when we realised that we were VERY stressed. It gets very expensive and the other children have holidays and toys that you just cannot compete with...and I know you think...well we'll deal with all that.

But faced with a child who simply cannot understand why she is not in on every club and activity like her peers...and why we never go skiing or to Disneyland...it gets painful.

We moved her to a very good state and it's atually more relaxed but she is getting a very good education.

I have dc at prep, in the beginning we couldn't really afford it but got a small bursary and stretched ourselves our business has grown and we now have 2 dc at prep and a baby who will also go provided business continues to grow what it has. I have friends on a fixed income who struggle to send their dc and miss out and are racking up quite a bit of debt because of it. I never really thought it through and although dd loves her school and I'm absolutely delighted with it I think I would struggle with all the extra's if our income hadn't improved and would hate to feel like the poor relatives iyswim.

What I would say is you have to remember that other people will have lots of money and so you may miss out for example a bunch of parents from one of the classes are all going skiing at Easter together at a cost of 1700. Another thing you must factor in is learning support dds school it's free but ds's school it costs an extra whopping 1k per term. There are lots of extras out of school such as sports club memberships and extra curricular activities that if your dd didn't do she may feel a bit left out in a small class.

Investigate bursaries, are school trips and learning support available, check out what the yearly Increase is usually, I think for one child it is manageable but more is more difficult.

queribus ht the nail....we can now pay for nice clubs and tuition and DD is with children from families with similar incomes...which DOES matter when it comes to hols and trips etc.

Private education does not guarantee a better start in life for your DCs. Unless the state primaries are total dives I would save the money and spend these golden years as much as possible with your kids and maybe look at private secondary. If it means not working lots and you and DH not stressing about school fees surely both you and your kids would be happier.

I think you would be bonkers to spend money on private education unless you had a lot more money, particularly at infant level where you have little idea of their interests and abilities. Spending more time with your kids (because you're not working), providing them with more interesting experiences (because you have the money), providing them with them with the money to enable them choose what they do as adults should all be higher priorities than an education which will make minimal difference.

Everyone else has said much the same, but it appears you have the wrong idea of what the advantages are that private education bring.

I would and did send ds private for pre-prep and prep as it fitted with my working hours and provided wrap around child care that was not available any other way. For me, primary is the time to invest in education to ensure that the basics are there and are built on securely. As a secondary teacher, I have seen too many kids coming through without a basic grasp of literacy or maths. Ds was doing geography in Year 5 that I was doing with my year 8s in state school.

Using prep meant I could drop ds off for breakfast at 0745, get to my school by 0820, work til 1830, and get ds at 1900 knowing that prep was done and that he had been fed and looked after. No-one was clock watching or charging me extra, and when one looks at child care fees, it was probably about middle for diddle financially.

I think the question is "where is that extra money going?". IMO if it's not for your kids, why bother having them. That doesn't necessarily mean private school (Imo private school is best for high school) but if it's for fast cars and adult toys then I'd nix that.

I wouldn't do it if it meant a serious sacrifice to quality of life. I do it because it enables me to work full time and the cost wasn't dissimilar to using state school and a CM.

Whatmeworry the money I think we will just spend, we will save some, but you buy bigger and more things that you don't actually need. This is a little worry :)

Not every independent school is thronging with children from very rich families - for many, finding that £13k + a year per child means driving an old car and no overseas holidays (please don't flame me, this is just a balancing comment to the 'everyone will be ski-ing in Val d'Isere at Easter and you'll be left out') - but it's how they want to spend their money. This is less true if you are looking at the smartest preps, of course. Another thing: you don't say where you live, but if you are in London, getting into decent secondary schools is competitive - don't assume willingness to pay will secure a place. I know several people who have put their kids through preps, plus tutors, and not secured an offer ANWHERE despite having put their child through several entrance exams. So it MAY not be as easy as some suggest to try out state primaries, then skip over to independent senior schools if it's not working out.
On the other hand, being around to support your children (as opposed to working all the hours sent to pay for school fees), plus having the option to supplement state teaching with extra-curricular activities, a bit of tutoring, holiday schools, will go a long way to balancing out any gaps you think the state system might have. Plus...I'm with those posters who say this is really something where you and your OH have got to be at one: it's a lot of money, over many years, a huge commitment - if you are at odds at this point, imagine how it could be if one of you falls ill, is made redundant, the boiler blows up...